Wake up call
Man, it's funny how things work out sometimes. Not funny "ha ha", but funny like in "hmmm...". I managed to have a couple of realizations this weekend. I went to visit Jill this past weekend. I planned on staying until Sunday.....I ended up coming home Saturday afternoon.
It's amazing how much things can change in as little time as four months. We hadn't seen each other since the end of May, but we've had some contact, mostly via phone or instant message. I knew things had changed, but I had to see for myself exactly how much things had changed. The only way for me to know for sure was through a personal visit.
Wow. You wanna talk about awkward........I can count on one hand the number of times that I've felt as unpleasant as I did over the 24 hours I was in Essexville. It felt like we were complete strangers to each other. We didn't talk much, and the things we did talk about were pretty superficial, like school, old acquaintences, etc. There was really no warmth there at all, it was almost like we never even dated. That's a pretty bitter pill to swallow, to have invested that much of your life into one person only to have nearly all traces of that life erased. But I'm as much to blame for that as she is. I had hoped that maybe things would be different than they were, that maybe there was something worth fighting for. I was blinded by my own ignorance, by my own stubborn ego.
I guess I had to see for myself if there was anything there to go back to. And unfortunately, it seems like there isn't. She's got a new life now, and it seems as though I don't fit into it. I had clung, pretty tenaciously, to the idea that maybe somewhere down the road we'd end up back together. Just based on the overall unpleasantness of this past weekend, I don't think it'll ever happen. She's moved on, she seems happy with her life; now it's time for me to do the same.
I can't say that I'm angry, or shocked, or even saddened by it. I'm disappointed, but I suppose that I always knew this; this just happened to shed some light. It's like a wound that has a splinter worked into it. The wound can heal, the wound can close over, but if that splinter is still wedged in there, the wound will never fully heal. Only until it works its way out can the injury fully recover.
I don't know if we'll speak again anytime soon. I mentioned that I probably wouldn't be seeing her again for a good long time, and the response I got was pretty indifferent. But then again, who knows. Something may change in the future. But then again, maybe not.
I think that the splinter has finally worked its way out. Now I can truly begin the healing process.
And that process begins with beer! Yes! Glorious, succulent, alcohol! Ahhhhh.......
Sorry if this has been a pretty self-indulgent entry, but sometimes you gotta put things into writing to let stuff off your chest. Oh well. It's my journal, and I'll whine if I want to! Ha ha!!
It's amazing how much things can change in as little time as four months. We hadn't seen each other since the end of May, but we've had some contact, mostly via phone or instant message. I knew things had changed, but I had to see for myself exactly how much things had changed. The only way for me to know for sure was through a personal visit.
Wow. You wanna talk about awkward........I can count on one hand the number of times that I've felt as unpleasant as I did over the 24 hours I was in Essexville. It felt like we were complete strangers to each other. We didn't talk much, and the things we did talk about were pretty superficial, like school, old acquaintences, etc. There was really no warmth there at all, it was almost like we never even dated. That's a pretty bitter pill to swallow, to have invested that much of your life into one person only to have nearly all traces of that life erased. But I'm as much to blame for that as she is. I had hoped that maybe things would be different than they were, that maybe there was something worth fighting for. I was blinded by my own ignorance, by my own stubborn ego.
I guess I had to see for myself if there was anything there to go back to. And unfortunately, it seems like there isn't. She's got a new life now, and it seems as though I don't fit into it. I had clung, pretty tenaciously, to the idea that maybe somewhere down the road we'd end up back together. Just based on the overall unpleasantness of this past weekend, I don't think it'll ever happen. She's moved on, she seems happy with her life; now it's time for me to do the same.
I can't say that I'm angry, or shocked, or even saddened by it. I'm disappointed, but I suppose that I always knew this; this just happened to shed some light. It's like a wound that has a splinter worked into it. The wound can heal, the wound can close over, but if that splinter is still wedged in there, the wound will never fully heal. Only until it works its way out can the injury fully recover.
I don't know if we'll speak again anytime soon. I mentioned that I probably wouldn't be seeing her again for a good long time, and the response I got was pretty indifferent. But then again, who knows. Something may change in the future. But then again, maybe not.
I think that the splinter has finally worked its way out. Now I can truly begin the healing process.
And that process begins with beer! Yes! Glorious, succulent, alcohol! Ahhhhh.......
Sorry if this has been a pretty self-indulgent entry, but sometimes you gotta put things into writing to let stuff off your chest. Oh well. It's my journal, and I'll whine if I want to! Ha ha!!