I'm slipping through the cracks of floors I thought that were strong
today was... i dunno.
i woke up in the middle of the night from a horrible dream that ian was cheating on me and when i found out, he became really mean and the girl he was cheating with was being really bitchy to me, mocking me. and i knew i had to break up with him but i didnt know what to do since id been with him for so long.
when i woke up i woke him up and made him put his arms around me.
the day started off good. i was having fun with joeline and jess and linda at work... laughing and stuff...
around noon or one i started getting in this funk, i kept thinking about my hair, and thinking about how i feel so ugly and that i feel like everyone is lying to me when they say they like it. i keep having these little swings of how i feel about my hair now... i havetimes where i like it, i have times where i hate it, and at those times i remember that i never really hated my hair when it was longer... but i dont know if how i feel now has anything to do with how i feel now (and yes that makes sense to me).
around 4pm i started really getting down... -idont like that word, "down"-... and by 5pm i felt like i was going crazy. it was dark as night outside by then and i had this helpless feeling because i knew i was stuck there for 4 more hours, and it was dragging.
i love joeline, jess, victoria, linda and colleen, but i hate that place. when i go there i feel hopeless, because i dont know where i would go if i quit. i hate getting up in the morning and all day i just have this need to go back to bed and not get up for a loonngg time. i cant stand fred, the way his moods are and the complete bullshit that he feeds everyone every fucking day.
(side story: on sunday i took my mom, aunt and grandpa to the salon so i could cut their hair. i wasnt working so i didnt have to charge them. my mom and grandpa were sitting off to the side while i cut my aunts hair and fred comes in and they all start introducing themselves to him. my grandpa all of a sudden goes "so why cant corey get a raise?" i was shocked, to say the least. and fred was too but he's bursting at the seams with bullshit so he recovered fast and fed my grandpa this "shes so good i cant afford her" line. later i was talking to my mom on the phone and she said fred got a bit flustered when my grandpa said that and i said its because no one talks to fred that way. no one gives him sass or attitude of any kind and im glad my grandpa did.)
around 630 i started to really lose it. every time a person came in to get their hair cut, and it was my turn, i would start getting an anxiety attack. i was cutting a girls hair and having to breathe really deep through my mouth just to feel like i was getting a bit of oxygen. after that hair cut i went and hid in the bathroom for a little bit, even though there were cuts waiting. i ended up crouching down by the wall, really tight because thats the only way i could feel even a little better. i called ian, then my mom, and then tried to call joeline but she didnt answer. i started crying when i was talking to my mom and i really needed to talk to joeline, but like i said, she didnt answer.
at around 745 there werent any people waiting, and i went into the back room and curled up in a chair and called ian again. i was trying to explain every thing to him, how i was feeling. that i needed to come home and the way he was reacting i didnt think he was taking me seriously and i said so and he thought i was trying to start a fight with him.
when i started crying on the phone to him i think thats when he started taking me seriously. he kept telling me to come home, but i couldnt because it was only victoria and i and i cant leave her there by herself. i wouldnt want to be there by myself. he kept asking me if i was going to be ok for another hour. i told him that all i wanted to do was to cut myself, to try and put the pain somewhere else besides my chest and my mind. i dont think he understood that. and i probably would have cut myself i had been able to think of a place where i could do it where no one would see it.
i need a new job, but i dont know where to go or what to do. i dont want to lose contact with the girls, i know that will happen if i quit. and if i tried to just work there part time and work at another job, fred would most likely fire me. he fired another girl when she tried to cut down her hours because she had another job.
ive said this before, every day i go in there i feel like its going to be my last day. and lately, when it comes to fred, ive stopped caring as to what i say and how i react towards him. hes a dick, and if he wants to fire me, he can fire me.
no matter what i do, i feel like im totally fucked.
i woke up in the middle of the night from a horrible dream that ian was cheating on me and when i found out, he became really mean and the girl he was cheating with was being really bitchy to me, mocking me. and i knew i had to break up with him but i didnt know what to do since id been with him for so long.
when i woke up i woke him up and made him put his arms around me.
the day started off good. i was having fun with joeline and jess and linda at work... laughing and stuff...
around noon or one i started getting in this funk, i kept thinking about my hair, and thinking about how i feel so ugly and that i feel like everyone is lying to me when they say they like it. i keep having these little swings of how i feel about my hair now... i havetimes where i like it, i have times where i hate it, and at those times i remember that i never really hated my hair when it was longer... but i dont know if how i feel now has anything to do with how i feel now (and yes that makes sense to me).
around 4pm i started really getting down... -idont like that word, "down"-... and by 5pm i felt like i was going crazy. it was dark as night outside by then and i had this helpless feeling because i knew i was stuck there for 4 more hours, and it was dragging.
i love joeline, jess, victoria, linda and colleen, but i hate that place. when i go there i feel hopeless, because i dont know where i would go if i quit. i hate getting up in the morning and all day i just have this need to go back to bed and not get up for a loonngg time. i cant stand fred, the way his moods are and the complete bullshit that he feeds everyone every fucking day.
(side story: on sunday i took my mom, aunt and grandpa to the salon so i could cut their hair. i wasnt working so i didnt have to charge them. my mom and grandpa were sitting off to the side while i cut my aunts hair and fred comes in and they all start introducing themselves to him. my grandpa all of a sudden goes "so why cant corey get a raise?" i was shocked, to say the least. and fred was too but he's bursting at the seams with bullshit so he recovered fast and fed my grandpa this "shes so good i cant afford her" line. later i was talking to my mom on the phone and she said fred got a bit flustered when my grandpa said that and i said its because no one talks to fred that way. no one gives him sass or attitude of any kind and im glad my grandpa did.)
around 630 i started to really lose it. every time a person came in to get their hair cut, and it was my turn, i would start getting an anxiety attack. i was cutting a girls hair and having to breathe really deep through my mouth just to feel like i was getting a bit of oxygen. after that hair cut i went and hid in the bathroom for a little bit, even though there were cuts waiting. i ended up crouching down by the wall, really tight because thats the only way i could feel even a little better. i called ian, then my mom, and then tried to call joeline but she didnt answer. i started crying when i was talking to my mom and i really needed to talk to joeline, but like i said, she didnt answer.
at around 745 there werent any people waiting, and i went into the back room and curled up in a chair and called ian again. i was trying to explain every thing to him, how i was feeling. that i needed to come home and the way he was reacting i didnt think he was taking me seriously and i said so and he thought i was trying to start a fight with him.
when i started crying on the phone to him i think thats when he started taking me seriously. he kept telling me to come home, but i couldnt because it was only victoria and i and i cant leave her there by herself. i wouldnt want to be there by myself. he kept asking me if i was going to be ok for another hour. i told him that all i wanted to do was to cut myself, to try and put the pain somewhere else besides my chest and my mind. i dont think he understood that. and i probably would have cut myself i had been able to think of a place where i could do it where no one would see it.
i need a new job, but i dont know where to go or what to do. i dont want to lose contact with the girls, i know that will happen if i quit. and if i tried to just work there part time and work at another job, fred would most likely fire me. he fired another girl when she tried to cut down her hours because she had another job.
ive said this before, every day i go in there i feel like its going to be my last day. and lately, when it comes to fred, ive stopped caring as to what i say and how i react towards him. hes a dick, and if he wants to fire me, he can fire me.
no matter what i do, i feel like im totally fucked.