I'm Not Alright, I Promise
It is amazing how pissed off I have been tonight. Not all night, seeing as I went out with Jackie after I originally got pissed off but I came back to my house and was checking all of the stuff online and just got that much more pissed. 19 messages from one person who claims that they love me but for some reason, delights in pulling me through hell with him.
I talked to Ben last night, again. I laid everything bare, told him about Ryan and that I'm not in love with him anymore. Aparently, this wasn't what I should've done. He says I've stabbed him in the back...betrayed him...lead him on. I guess it makes sense to him. But I thought we were on the same page when I told him two weeks ago that we probably weren't going to get back together. That friendship was all I could guarantee. But I guess I was wrong. I feel horrible that I've hurt him. I told him the truth and the truth hurt. So after he told me that he hopes that I'm happy with Ryan...sarcasticly...he stopped talking to me. Granted this part of the conversation had occured online, but that's beside the point. So I started talking to Michelle...his best friends girlfriend and one of my good friends...we talked and I felt better. Guilty, horrible, and upset were replaced with pissed off at his assumptions that I was "his" and nobody elses...that all of this made sense to him and that I was just...playing him for lack of better terminology. So I had dinner with my family and not half an hour after I'd goten offline, he was at my door waiting to talk to me. Half an hour...where it usually takes about an hour if you're speeding horribly. But nonetheless, he was here. And I went outside and he stood there, fists clenched and looking as if he were ready to snap. It was silent for a while...appropriate I suppose...but then the talking started. I think I prefered the silence. He told me that he had assumed that the reason we weren't together was because I was busy, and that had I had time for a boyfriend it would undoubtedly be him. What a comment. What an ego. He then went on to ask me if I'd done anything with Ryan...pissed off level rising. Then he asked me if I still loved him and I was honest...I told him no. The truth. I don't. And as cruel as that may make me seem, it would've been crueler to tell him that I did. But he left eventually and I went out with Jackie to see Mandy perform at Open Mic Night...something we haven't done in years.
But then I came home and checked my online away messages. 19 from him, all explaining about how when he said goodbye he meant it, and when he said talk to you later he lied because he doesn't ever want to see or talk to me again...and not to contact him because he doesn't want to be hurt a third time (someone explain this, seeing as I asked for a break and he broke up with me) by me. So fine...He's getting what he wants. I won't talk to or attempt to get a hold of him ever again. Seeing as that's what I've been trying to do, no big deal. But he needs to get over it now. That's not my job nor is it my fault. I'm going to enjoy my life at college and the changes that have occured in me. They're for the best and I'm sick of caring about what other people think about me and how I live my life, him included. So, for all intensive purposes, if I don't ask for your opinion on the things I do or say, I don't want it. Especially from him.
And this is the point in the entry where I say that maybe I'm insane and it's just the anger talking. But you know what, anger is like alcohol, it allows you to tell the truth. So that's the truth. I don't give a flying fart in space what he thinks or how he feels right now. If he can't respect the fact that I'm trying to make my life better while he's still hanging on to something and someone that isn't there anymore, then that's his own fault...and I'm not going to take responsibility for his actions.
~Amy
I talked to Ben last night, again. I laid everything bare, told him about Ryan and that I'm not in love with him anymore. Aparently, this wasn't what I should've done. He says I've stabbed him in the back...betrayed him...lead him on. I guess it makes sense to him. But I thought we were on the same page when I told him two weeks ago that we probably weren't going to get back together. That friendship was all I could guarantee. But I guess I was wrong. I feel horrible that I've hurt him. I told him the truth and the truth hurt. So after he told me that he hopes that I'm happy with Ryan...sarcasticly...he stopped talking to me. Granted this part of the conversation had occured online, but that's beside the point. So I started talking to Michelle...his best friends girlfriend and one of my good friends...we talked and I felt better. Guilty, horrible, and upset were replaced with pissed off at his assumptions that I was "his" and nobody elses...that all of this made sense to him and that I was just...playing him for lack of better terminology. So I had dinner with my family and not half an hour after I'd goten offline, he was at my door waiting to talk to me. Half an hour...where it usually takes about an hour if you're speeding horribly. But nonetheless, he was here. And I went outside and he stood there, fists clenched and looking as if he were ready to snap. It was silent for a while...appropriate I suppose...but then the talking started. I think I prefered the silence. He told me that he had assumed that the reason we weren't together was because I was busy, and that had I had time for a boyfriend it would undoubtedly be him. What a comment. What an ego. He then went on to ask me if I'd done anything with Ryan...pissed off level rising. Then he asked me if I still loved him and I was honest...I told him no. The truth. I don't. And as cruel as that may make me seem, it would've been crueler to tell him that I did. But he left eventually and I went out with Jackie to see Mandy perform at Open Mic Night...something we haven't done in years.
But then I came home and checked my online away messages. 19 from him, all explaining about how when he said goodbye he meant it, and when he said talk to you later he lied because he doesn't ever want to see or talk to me again...and not to contact him because he doesn't want to be hurt a third time (someone explain this, seeing as I asked for a break and he broke up with me) by me. So fine...He's getting what he wants. I won't talk to or attempt to get a hold of him ever again. Seeing as that's what I've been trying to do, no big deal. But he needs to get over it now. That's not my job nor is it my fault. I'm going to enjoy my life at college and the changes that have occured in me. They're for the best and I'm sick of caring about what other people think about me and how I live my life, him included. So, for all intensive purposes, if I don't ask for your opinion on the things I do or say, I don't want it. Especially from him.
And this is the point in the entry where I say that maybe I'm insane and it's just the anger talking. But you know what, anger is like alcohol, it allows you to tell the truth. So that's the truth. I don't give a flying fart in space what he thinks or how he feels right now. If he can't respect the fact that I'm trying to make my life better while he's still hanging on to something and someone that isn't there anymore, then that's his own fault...and I'm not going to take responsibility for his actions.
~Amy