I don't guarantee anything right now
I came back home Tuesday morning. My room mates, being the amazing and lovely people that they are, have been unbelievably supportive and even drove me to the train station at 5:15 a.m. on Tuesday. I got in at 10 and spent the day and night surrounded by so many people from my senior class. We had nearly 20 people at this coffee shop/restaurant just talking...sharing stories...talking about Abby and laughing...keeping each other company so that nobody has to go through any of this alone. I think it helped. There were no tears, just good times and good stories with good company. Jenny stayed the night after we (Jenny, Kate, Katie, Jackie and I) all went to get some ice cream. Jenny and I both took the week off of classes to come back home for Abby's wake and funeral and everything else that's going on. It's amazing how together we're all being. Nice really.
Jenny and I went shopping today. I guess it was just to take our minds off of Abby. We shopped like it was keeping us alive. From 9:30 this morning until 2:40 this afternoon...we bought shoes and clothes and purses and jewelry and everything else. Spent money we probably shouldn't have spent in order to keep ourselves surviving. Neither of us is dealing really well right now. While others are complaining about missing one final or having to take an hour from their time to go to a wake/funeral and, my personal favorite, complaining about having to wear black, Jenny and I are sitting back in tears praying to God that we're strong enough to get through this. We went to the wake tonight. Katie didn't come claiming that she couldn't take an hour away from writing a paper to pay her last respects to Abby. That irritated me to the core. Stacey spent the entire time whining about how bad her feet hurt. Meanwhile, my mom was supporting me more than anybody else. I was fine when we walked in the door. I saw friends I hadn't seen since graduation. Jessie, a girl that I used to be great friends with, walked up to me and hugged me and I just lost it. My composure was gone and I could no longer hold back my tears....and I didn't want or need to. Then Hiedi came up to me and that only caused me to bawl even more. My friend Barbie was there. Barbie and I have been kindred spirits since we were in kindergarten...she knows so much about me and my past. More than anybody should ever have to...probably more than she wants to, as do I of her. I saw her choking back tears, wearing her uniform that she's so proud of, her military fatigues and her metals...neither of us were holding back anymore. We stood there hugging each other for what seemed like forever and we didn't say a word. We didn't have to. We got in line to go up to Abby's casket...one that was open with her body laying it it. We signed the guest book, made our donations and prepared ourselves for the inevitable breakdowns to come. My mom stood behind me, hand on my back, helping me through it. Jackie was there too. She stood next to me for a long time and we both cried. Abby's brother in law talked to us and I don't know how he did it. Both he and Abby's mother were welcoming people. I don't know how they were even standing. It's hard for me, it must be impossible for them.
She didn't look like herself. I guess they never really do. The body just lies there, masquerading as the person you once knew and loved and shared amazing times with...no smile on their face, eyes closed, as if they were sleeping. You know they're dead but every now and then you could swear you saw them breathe...their chest move. Wishful thinking. We looked at pictures after that. Sat down, cried, talked, cried some more. After we'd all composed ourselves, we said goodbye and left. When I was dropping Jenny off at her mom's work (the hospital), there was a newspaper stand out front. The frontpage news was Abby's death...and the only thing I saw was her senior picture and it got me. I broke down then and there, gave Jenny money to buy some of them and left for home, bawling the entire way. I sat outside in the driveway just crying in the car for a while. When I came in, I must've been a mess. My mom helped me out and comforted me...let me know that it was okay. That I was allowed to cry...and cry I did. And I still feel like doing now. I'm just a little numb.
For now though, I need to sleep. Her funeral is tomorrow morning and I have to get my mom to work before 7:45 a.m. Yet another tear stained day awaits me. I wonder if there's a point when tears stop flowing...
~Amy
Jenny and I went shopping today. I guess it was just to take our minds off of Abby. We shopped like it was keeping us alive. From 9:30 this morning until 2:40 this afternoon...we bought shoes and clothes and purses and jewelry and everything else. Spent money we probably shouldn't have spent in order to keep ourselves surviving. Neither of us is dealing really well right now. While others are complaining about missing one final or having to take an hour from their time to go to a wake/funeral and, my personal favorite, complaining about having to wear black, Jenny and I are sitting back in tears praying to God that we're strong enough to get through this. We went to the wake tonight. Katie didn't come claiming that she couldn't take an hour away from writing a paper to pay her last respects to Abby. That irritated me to the core. Stacey spent the entire time whining about how bad her feet hurt. Meanwhile, my mom was supporting me more than anybody else. I was fine when we walked in the door. I saw friends I hadn't seen since graduation. Jessie, a girl that I used to be great friends with, walked up to me and hugged me and I just lost it. My composure was gone and I could no longer hold back my tears....and I didn't want or need to. Then Hiedi came up to me and that only caused me to bawl even more. My friend Barbie was there. Barbie and I have been kindred spirits since we were in kindergarten...she knows so much about me and my past. More than anybody should ever have to...probably more than she wants to, as do I of her. I saw her choking back tears, wearing her uniform that she's so proud of, her military fatigues and her metals...neither of us were holding back anymore. We stood there hugging each other for what seemed like forever and we didn't say a word. We didn't have to. We got in line to go up to Abby's casket...one that was open with her body laying it it. We signed the guest book, made our donations and prepared ourselves for the inevitable breakdowns to come. My mom stood behind me, hand on my back, helping me through it. Jackie was there too. She stood next to me for a long time and we both cried. Abby's brother in law talked to us and I don't know how he did it. Both he and Abby's mother were welcoming people. I don't know how they were even standing. It's hard for me, it must be impossible for them.
She didn't look like herself. I guess they never really do. The body just lies there, masquerading as the person you once knew and loved and shared amazing times with...no smile on their face, eyes closed, as if they were sleeping. You know they're dead but every now and then you could swear you saw them breathe...their chest move. Wishful thinking. We looked at pictures after that. Sat down, cried, talked, cried some more. After we'd all composed ourselves, we said goodbye and left. When I was dropping Jenny off at her mom's work (the hospital), there was a newspaper stand out front. The frontpage news was Abby's death...and the only thing I saw was her senior picture and it got me. I broke down then and there, gave Jenny money to buy some of them and left for home, bawling the entire way. I sat outside in the driveway just crying in the car for a while. When I came in, I must've been a mess. My mom helped me out and comforted me...let me know that it was okay. That I was allowed to cry...and cry I did. And I still feel like doing now. I'm just a little numb.
For now though, I need to sleep. Her funeral is tomorrow morning and I have to get my mom to work before 7:45 a.m. Yet another tear stained day awaits me. I wonder if there's a point when tears stop flowing...
~Amy