Self-analysis, or, why do I have to be such an overachieving ass?
It's been getting to me a lot more recently, something that Larkin mentioned in passing to me a few days back. She said that I never rest and never relax, and everything I do is stress and pressure. I didn't think it was true, I mean, I do a lot of stuff for fun, but man do words sink in way after they're heard sometimes.
Yes, I do well in school. I've got an independent project to work on in my laboratory, I'm already a successful scientist on top of that, and I'm looking at applying to grad school at very top-tier institutions, but I mean, I'm not only an academic overachiever. I have a life outside of school too, right?
Yup, absolutely. But am I an overachiever nonetheless? Ugh, that's the part that gets me.
Yep, I play and love video games, but I play them solely, entirely for the sake of winning: hyperanalyzing every move I make, thinking about my opponents, their state of mind, anticipating the future and focusing utterly on how to destroy them. If I'm losing in a game (and I can't remember the last time that happened to me), I will play it and think about it and analyze it until I out-think and out-play everyone else. TF2, getting to the top of the scoreboard is trivial for me now. CoD4, if I'm not pulling a consistent 2.5 kills per death and top or 2nd place on the scoreboard I feel disappointed.
And hey, poker. Video games to the extreme, win-at-all-costs cutthroat mentality to the extreme, and it's got the bills paid for the rest of the semester.
Yep, I picked up dancing to have fun out clubbing, but I decided to pick it up because I decided that I wanted to be good at dancing; I wanted to be the center of the club and have people looking at me wishing they could do that too. And how do I dance? In front of a video camera, in front of a mirror, analyzing every motion, trying out ideas, experimenting, working to make things smoother, flashier, better.
Other hobbies? Card tricks? The delight of baffling and confusing people.
Peripheral interest in body language and hyperawareness (and analysis) of other people's nonverbal communication and conscious manipulation of my own? Understanding people better than they understand themselves.
Rubik's cubes? Can do them in a minute thirty. Learned them because I was frustrated by one on a 24 hour plane trip to China, and by the time I got off the plane I had figured it out, and from there was a couple month-long trip from being able to solve them to being able to solve them with nothing more than casual, bored detachment, because just solving one, struggling and thinking and puzzling for fifteen minutes or so wasn't enough.
Out having fun with close friends? Do I do that, really, anymore?
Out socializing with people, on dates, with acquaintances I don't know totally well, or just with new people in general? A whirlwind of charm, wit, humor, intelligence, confidence, vulnerability, cuteness, expressing interest, body language-leading and reading, and genuine friendliness that makes me friends and ramps up my points in other peoples' psychological scorebooks. Coming off as smart, attractive, intelligent, open, honest, approachable, sexy.
It sometimes feels like everything I do, with people, for people, by myself, has something to do with wanting to be the best, wanting to win, wanting control. Crushing self-proclaimed masters at a game with casual detachment, solving a cube, tracking someone's state of mind as I chat with them, being the center of a group, being looked up to, being liked, is all stuff that's important to me. And it's never enough. Top of the scoreboard on a game? Business as usual. But if I'm not there? End of the world. Top 5% score on the GREs puts me at the very bottom of the 5% of test-takers that matter. Credentials good enough to think about applying to Harvard means I'm just hoi-polloi in the pool of people good enough to apply.
I don't know why, but now that I realized this it really, really bothers me.
Yes, I do well in school. I've got an independent project to work on in my laboratory, I'm already a successful scientist on top of that, and I'm looking at applying to grad school at very top-tier institutions, but I mean, I'm not only an academic overachiever. I have a life outside of school too, right?
Yup, absolutely. But am I an overachiever nonetheless? Ugh, that's the part that gets me.
Yep, I play and love video games, but I play them solely, entirely for the sake of winning: hyperanalyzing every move I make, thinking about my opponents, their state of mind, anticipating the future and focusing utterly on how to destroy them. If I'm losing in a game (and I can't remember the last time that happened to me), I will play it and think about it and analyze it until I out-think and out-play everyone else. TF2, getting to the top of the scoreboard is trivial for me now. CoD4, if I'm not pulling a consistent 2.5 kills per death and top or 2nd place on the scoreboard I feel disappointed.
And hey, poker. Video games to the extreme, win-at-all-costs cutthroat mentality to the extreme, and it's got the bills paid for the rest of the semester.
Yep, I picked up dancing to have fun out clubbing, but I decided to pick it up because I decided that I wanted to be good at dancing; I wanted to be the center of the club and have people looking at me wishing they could do that too. And how do I dance? In front of a video camera, in front of a mirror, analyzing every motion, trying out ideas, experimenting, working to make things smoother, flashier, better.
Other hobbies? Card tricks? The delight of baffling and confusing people.
Peripheral interest in body language and hyperawareness (and analysis) of other people's nonverbal communication and conscious manipulation of my own? Understanding people better than they understand themselves.
Rubik's cubes? Can do them in a minute thirty. Learned them because I was frustrated by one on a 24 hour plane trip to China, and by the time I got off the plane I had figured it out, and from there was a couple month-long trip from being able to solve them to being able to solve them with nothing more than casual, bored detachment, because just solving one, struggling and thinking and puzzling for fifteen minutes or so wasn't enough.
Out having fun with close friends? Do I do that, really, anymore?
Out socializing with people, on dates, with acquaintances I don't know totally well, or just with new people in general? A whirlwind of charm, wit, humor, intelligence, confidence, vulnerability, cuteness, expressing interest, body language-leading and reading, and genuine friendliness that makes me friends and ramps up my points in other peoples' psychological scorebooks. Coming off as smart, attractive, intelligent, open, honest, approachable, sexy.
It sometimes feels like everything I do, with people, for people, by myself, has something to do with wanting to be the best, wanting to win, wanting control. Crushing self-proclaimed masters at a game with casual detachment, solving a cube, tracking someone's state of mind as I chat with them, being the center of a group, being looked up to, being liked, is all stuff that's important to me. And it's never enough. Top of the scoreboard on a game? Business as usual. But if I'm not there? End of the world. Top 5% score on the GREs puts me at the very bottom of the 5% of test-takers that matter. Credentials good enough to think about applying to Harvard means I'm just hoi-polloi in the pool of people good enough to apply.
I don't know why, but now that I realized this it really, really bothers me.