heartbroken for no good reason...
okay ima say it again, I CANT STOP FALLING IN LOVE. and truthfully since im so analytical i know its for all the wrong reasons. maybe i havent fully matured yet, in my dreams my love has so much substance and its not about initial attraction. that of course being being attracted to somebody based on looks. im very upset at myself for this problem, i just cant seem to crack it. im not shallow in the least bit, and i give every girl that i happen to meet (not many) a chance. and i know i need a girl thats a lot more mature like i am, not one that looks at life inside the box in other words. as far as the (not many) comment, thats 100% my fault. i get along great with people, im just too shy and fear rejection too much to try and meet new people. its all because ive lived in a box for so long (the box being this damn room)not to make light of my previous "in the box" comment :P. see that joke was lame lmao, i cant help saying stupid things like that lol. oh well, again ive fallen back into the sad times i thought i had escaped from when i liberated my self by drinking. im seeing more and more that there are 2 kinds of sadness, the one that i can embrace when life is simple and not weighing in on me but still im lonely. and the one where i feel crushed and everything has blown simplicity away and im lonely. lonliness is always aquainted with sadness in my experience. the universal emotion of being lonely is my only fear, and the one that makes me phyisically drained and ill. i wont eat, i cant sleep, i cant even think without giving myself a headache. i outta go to the doctor and see if they have ne thing to help me again, its been about a good year to a year and a half since i was in therapy. this time if i go back im going back with an agenda, to get help on fixing my problem. the first time i went i think i was more intrested in seeing what a professional had to say about my problem, and clear up a few misconceptions i had. now i need clensing, i need a clean slate. we shall see what happens, and maybe soon ill have something happy to write on here. the last thing i wanna do is make this damn page an Edgar Allen Poe fan site lol. i hope im not depressing all of u with this either lol, i do appriciate my few friends comments and support. u guys are always there for me and i really am thankful for that :). alrighty ill get going now, got a long day of wasting away online ahead :P.
laterz
laterz