(no subject)
It get weird, in the night....really weird.
I can't sleep. All I've done for the past two days is sleep but I'm not sleeping, just passing time with my eyes closed. The dreams are so vivid and I knew to expect it, but still....every night, all the time. Fighting with friends, people I haven't even seen since high school, stuff from when I was a kid, hiding from and fighting with my parents, terrible scenarios and paranoid ideation given life.
But it's not real. I dream that I'm fighting but they're not angry at me in real life when I wake up. Fever's got a bit to do with it, I think...thank gods I'm not drunk tonight.
It's all part of it, what I've come to call the covenant. I rename things and I hope it doesn't alienate me...I call things by different names, give new names to known concepts. It annoys some people, most who know me have learned to live with it.
So, covenant. It's like there's this old, wrinkled, grey-haired priest yelling at me, shouting, outlining all that I'm doing wrong and castigating me for it. He beats me savagely but all I do is kneel on that cold stone floor and take it. I want the pain. I need it. I am strong. The beast I am, the half-animal snarls but doesn't attack him as he yells, then he blesses me with holy water that scalds my flesh. Writhing on the ground in pain, I can only whimper as he reads the litany of my sins, the multitudes I have 'slain', those who I hurt.
I pray. He shouts. He prays. He takes a silver cross and presses it into my forehead where it burns and fills the sacristy with the smell of burning flesh. I scream. I am human again. Shaking and sobbing, I repent. The priest angrily puts forth the host and I make my covenant. I will not harm, I will not return to the beast-form. I take the host and consume it, blue like ice and god....I am human again but I can't sleep.
Covenant to keep the beast at bay, holy promise in the name of all I love. Wolf with the eyes of a tempest, Stormwolf stay in your den tonight...the moors are calm and the people are safe.
I think....I think I need to take some more Tylenol.
I can't sleep. All I've done for the past two days is sleep but I'm not sleeping, just passing time with my eyes closed. The dreams are so vivid and I knew to expect it, but still....every night, all the time. Fighting with friends, people I haven't even seen since high school, stuff from when I was a kid, hiding from and fighting with my parents, terrible scenarios and paranoid ideation given life.
But it's not real. I dream that I'm fighting but they're not angry at me in real life when I wake up. Fever's got a bit to do with it, I think...thank gods I'm not drunk tonight.
It's all part of it, what I've come to call the covenant. I rename things and I hope it doesn't alienate me...I call things by different names, give new names to known concepts. It annoys some people, most who know me have learned to live with it.
So, covenant. It's like there's this old, wrinkled, grey-haired priest yelling at me, shouting, outlining all that I'm doing wrong and castigating me for it. He beats me savagely but all I do is kneel on that cold stone floor and take it. I want the pain. I need it. I am strong. The beast I am, the half-animal snarls but doesn't attack him as he yells, then he blesses me with holy water that scalds my flesh. Writhing on the ground in pain, I can only whimper as he reads the litany of my sins, the multitudes I have 'slain', those who I hurt.
I pray. He shouts. He prays. He takes a silver cross and presses it into my forehead where it burns and fills the sacristy with the smell of burning flesh. I scream. I am human again. Shaking and sobbing, I repent. The priest angrily puts forth the host and I make my covenant. I will not harm, I will not return to the beast-form. I take the host and consume it, blue like ice and god....I am human again but I can't sleep.
Covenant to keep the beast at bay, holy promise in the name of all I love. Wolf with the eyes of a tempest, Stormwolf stay in your den tonight...the moors are calm and the people are safe.
I think....I think I need to take some more Tylenol.