Look, The Cherry Blossoms Has Bloomed - Chapter 4
Title : Look, The Cherry Blossoms Has Bloomed
Author :
zeon_avalanthe
Rating : PG-13
Genre : AU ; Fluff ; Angst
Pairing : YutoYama
Disclaimer : Everyone knows that I don't own any of those boys, sadly.. And the Bartender setting I used in this story was shamelessly taken from the drama Bartender which Aiba Masaki starred at.. The drinks mentioned belong to their respective, err, founders..
Summary : He finally find his happiness. But will his happiness last? Or will the nightmare of his past haunt him and ruin his happiness?
Author's Note : This fic was my project for YutoYama Exchange 2015 in AO3, dedicated for butthurtnoona. Many thanks for my beta Joana for helping me out in this project.. Now that the exchange is finally over and the fics have all been revealed, I think it is save for me to cross-post my story here.. :)
I advise you to listen to this song called Futari by Matsushita Yuya as you read this chapter.. It could've been just me, but I think the song has the right 'feels' to this certain chapter.. And since I can't embed the song, you may want to visit the link here to listen to it.. Thank you~
~Chapter 4~
Walking back to Yamada’s apartment seemed like a hard chore for Yuto that day. But Yamada had invited him for dinner and Yuto doesn’t have the heart to cancel. With heavy steps, and a heavier heart, Yuto dragged his feet to the familiar path.
It was drizzling when Yuto arrived at Yamada’s doorstep. Forcing a smile at Yamada’s bright one, the words Matsumoto-san left started echoing inside his head. The two shared a meal that night -a delicious carbonara pasta Yamada learnt from Matsumoto-san. Yamada led most of the conversation, but Yuto was sure he noticed Yuto’s weird mood because he sighed as he drop his fork on the plate.
“What’s wrong, Yuto-kun ? You don’t seem well tonight. Are you feeling sick ?”
Yuto made a small smile to ease Yamada’s worry.
“I’m fine. Just a little tired. Don’t worry.” Yuto tried to convince the younger man but he himself wasn’t convinced by his words.
“But-“
“Say, Ryosuke. If you were to meet the one who had took your parents’ life, what would you do ?”
Yamada looked taken aback by the sudden question. How could he not ? Yuto was suddenly blurting a weird question out of the blue.
“Yuto-kun, what are you--?”
“Can you please just answer my question ?” Yuto cut his words the second time, unable to look at Yamada properly.
A long sigh came from Yamada’s direction and Yuto knew that Yamada is contemplating.
“I don’t know, Yuto-kun. Honestly, I really don’t know. It was all in the past and I really don’t want to be dragged by the past. But- “ Yamada sounded he’s hesitating. “But I’m not sure whether I had forgiven him or not. It’s just, it was so hard for me and I was suddenly left by myself. I didn’t know what to do and I still don’t. I just, I just want to let it go and move on with my life, because clinging onto it hurts, and I’m tired of feeling hurt.”
A cold dreading feeling washed over Yuto the instant Yamada’s eyes looked down in sorrow. He wants to cut this conversation short and forget it forever, but Yuto came back to this town, to the place where he was born, for a reason. And Yuto had made a vow to himself that he won’t back out on it.
Taking a deep breath, Yuto clutched onto his heart tightly, preparing himself for the other man’s reaction.
“Ryosuke, there is, there is something I need to tell you.”
Yuto looked up and saw Ryosuke’s eyes shooting him a look that says he has something to say too, but decided to wait for Yuto first.
“I, I’m not who you think I am.” Yuto said nervously, and when Ryosuke showed confusion, he continued. “I was not always the Nakajima Yuto you came to know. I, I was a bad guy, Ryosuke, a very bad guy.”
“Yuto-kun ? What are you trying to say ?” Ryosuke asked, voice so soft as he looked into Yuto’s eyes gently.
“I had a past I have yet to tell you. A past I’d rather bury deep. A reason as to why I left this town many years ago, and why I decided to come back.” Yuto closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm his racing heart. “I was a murderer.”
Yuto could feel rather than see Yamada’s eyes bulging at his sudden revelation, before Yamada broke out into a nervous laugh.
“What kind of a joke you are saying, Yuto-kun ? You scared me for a moment there.”
Yuto then opened his eyes, carefully looking up and catched Yamada’s gaze with his.
“I’m not joking, Ryosuke. I was once a murderer.”
Yamada fell into silence after that, as if refusing to process the words coming from Yuto. And so Yuto decided to spill the bomb.
“I was the one who killed your parents, Ryosuke.”
When Ryosuke gave him no response, Yuto dared himself to take a side glance and saw Yamada looking back at him, eyes unreadable.
“They told me I had to kill or I would be killed. I knew I shouldn’t have accepted their offer, that I should just let myself be killed rather than having to kill others, but I can’t. I was just a kid, I was too coward to die. And so I said yes.”
Yuto closed his eyes, the sound of the rain echoing inside his head.
“The reason why I returned here was to find the boy whose parents I had murdered, and tell him I was sorry, that if I could, I would turn back the time to undo everything. I, I just never expected that boy to be, to be the exact person I fell in love with. I, Ryosuke, I really am sorry. I know a lifetime won’t be enough to mend the scar I had left you, but I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I really am.”
Yuto couldn’t bear to look into Yamada’s eyes, instead focusing his gaze at the hem of his shirt. Yamada has yet to say a word after Yuto’s story, and he can’t help the building up fear inside him.
“Did you- did you came to me with that intention from the very first time ? To win my heart so I won’t, can’t be mad at you after knowing it all ?”
At Yamada’s words after the long silence, Yuto snapped his head up, shaking it furiously.
“No, no ! I, I never thought like that ! Our first meeting, it was pure coincidence ! I never knew you were that boy until today ! Please trust me ! I, I never thought of using your feelings like that ! And my feelings, my love for you is real !”
But Yuto could only see coldness in Yamada’s eyes. And that’s when he realized that Yamada has given up on him.
“I know I don’t deserve your love. Not anymore, after everything that happened. And, and it’s completely okay if you want to break up with me, I understand. I really do. It’s just, I just want you to know that I truly fell in love with you, and, and I want you to know how much I’m sorry for everything. I, I-“
But Yamada stood up abruptly from his seat without letting Yuto finish his words. And without even sparing him a single look, Yamada left.
“I need some fresh air. When I get back, I want you gone already. Please.”
The last ‘please’ Yamada uttered broke Yuto’s heart. It was not because of the fact that Yamada had just dumped him. It was because Yuto could feel how much Yamada is hurt from that one word, it’s like saying it is tearing himself apart. It was because Yuto could see the tears which fell from his eyes as he passed by Yuto. And Yuto knew he’s the reason why Yamada cried.
“Oh, God.”
***
It looks like the rain from his last encounter with Yamada is continuing inside Yuto’s heart. Despite the blazing sun out there, Yuto felt the damp and gloomy rain never leaving him. He packed his stuff from Yamada’s apartment that night, and left the house with a note of ‘I’m sorry’ stucked carefully on Yamada’s fridge. He stopped coming to Eden Hall too. And he practically stopped smiling ever since.
“You can’t make such a face when teaching the kids, you know.” Inoo let out a tired sigh after his many attempts to cheer Yuto’s mood up. His senior has yet to know the reason, but he had figured out that his relationship with Yamada is over the moment his eyes locked onto Yuto’s lifeless one. “Why don’t you take a leave ? You know, to mend your heart or something.”
But Yuto can’t.
“I’m fine, Inoo-chan. Don’t worry.” It was fake because he was not okay and never will be.
Two weeks had passed since he last saw and heard from Yamada, and he’s still as messed up as he was the day he told the man the truth. He tried to keep his routine as usual though, minus his weekly visit to Eden Hall and the frequent meetings with Yamada. He’s currently scanning through his mails when he found an unusual envelope from the pack. Creasing his forehead, Yuto carefully open the envelope and pulled out a few papers with a neat handwritting he could recognize anywhere.
It’s Yamada’s.
Feeling his heartbeat increasing and droplets of cold sweat rolling down his forehead, Yuto sat himself on the couch before reading the letters carefully.
‘Dear Nakajima Yuto-sama,
I’m sorry for leaving abruptly that day, but the news was too overwhelming I was at lost at what to do. It still felt unreal to me even now, and honestly, I’m still not sure of what I feel towards you now after I had heard your story.
You see, despite the passing years, I still find myself unable to forgive the one who had killed my parents. While true that I decided to let it go, the scar is still too raw and too painful for me. I had willed myself to forget, but I still can’t bring myself to forgive.
That’s why it’s harder for me now. Because I love you, so much that it hurts. And yet, at the same time, after knowing the truth, I can’t see you in the face without feeling my heart break. It hurts all the more, because I want to hate my parents’ killer, yet I can’t, because it’s you.
I just can’t hate you. I had cried myself to sleep every night after that night to force myself to hate you, but I can’t. But I also can’t stay by your side anymore after knowing the truth. Because being with you, it feels like I’m betraying my parents, betraying myself...
That night, I actually had something to tell you as well. A friend of Masaki-kun was hired to be the chief bartender at a prestigious hotel in France. And he offered me to come with him as his apprentice. I told him to give me time, because I wanted to discuss it with you first, because I didn’t want to leave you. But now, now I made my mind. I will take his offer and come with him to France. I need this. My feelings are all over the place and I need the time and space to be alone and re-arrange my heart. I need to be away from you, to mend my heart. Because being here with you, I just keep getting reminded of the past I wanted to bury. And everything is just too confusing. With you, I just don’t know what to do anymore.
That’s why I decided to leave. Please respect my decision and don’t look for me.
I don’t regret our meeting, and what follows after that. If anything, I’m thankful to you. You had taught me so many things, took me to explore a world I have yet to see before. And please, you don’t have to feel guilty anymore. You’ve paid for your sins and you’ve suffered enough. What I do now is just me trying to find an answer for myself. And I’m sorry if I had left you hurting.
Lastly, I believe in you when you said that your love was true. Because I know, that the love I felt is not fake. And I want you to know, that I love you too. Please don’t hold onto me after I leave. Find your own happiness, because you deserve it.
In the future, if fate decided us to meet and be together again, I hope by that time, I’m already prepared to forgive. I hope by that time, I can see you as the you I came to love without complicated feelings involved.
But if we are not meant to be together, I hope both of us could accept it wholeheartedly. Because perhaps, we are not the right one for each other. Because perhaps, this is for the best.
Please take care of yourself, may God blesses our way always.
Yours sincerely,
Yamada Ryosuke’
***
“You can still stop him from leaving, you know.”
Yuto made a smile, and shook his head slowly.
“It’s his decision. I have no right to stop him.”
“But you can still pursue him.”
“I want to…” Yuto bit his lips, trying hard to stop himself from breaking. “But I can’t. I just can’t.”
“You’re just hurting him this way. And yourself.”
Yuto shook his head, a soft chuckle coming from his lips.
“Ryosuke will move on from me. He’s strong, I know he will. And I believe, that he’s better off without me. I will only hurt him more if I stay by his side.” Yuto sighed deeply. “I deserve this. I deserve worse, after what I’ve done.”
“Yuto…”
“Inoo-chan, thank you for everything. For all your support. I, I will never forget you. Never.”
“Yuto, what- ?”
But Yuto left no room for the older man to continue. He left before Inoo could finish his sentence. He had made his mind. Now that he has finished his unfinished business (the reason he came here for), Yuto only have one last place to go to before leaving.
“Good evening.”
Yuto figured that Aiba-san had known already even before Matsumoto-san told him everything, and he wondered as to why the man didn’t say anything to him at all.
“Good evening, Nakajima-sama. May I take your order for the night ?” Aiba-san gave him his usual warm smile as he handed the small hand towel.
“Your recommendation, please.” Yuto said softly, smiling back as his eyes caught a sight of Matsumoto-san on the other side of the counter, eyeing him closely from afar.
“Very well, Sir.”
Aiba-san then started to mix various kind of drinks before pouring his creation to the glass and slide it over to Yuto’s side.
“It’s called XYZ, Sir.”
“XYZ ?”
“Yes. The name consists three last letters in alphabet, meaning that there is no other better creation than this one. In another meaning, this drink also means the end of one’s journey.” Aiba-san explained to him, and Yuto could see how it relates to himself. “But if we try to see it from a different point of view, an end could also mean a new beginning. Without an end, you cannot start another journey.”
An ironic smile rose on Yuto’s lips.
“Yes. It’s just as you said, Aiba-san. The end also means a new beginning. It’s just, the journey I’m about to enter is not like what you might have expected it would be. In another meaning, perhaps, this new beginning is also the end for me.”
Yuto looked up from his glass before taking a sip.
“It’s delicious, Aiba-san. Thank you. For this, and for everything. Even after everything I’ve done, you still, I, thank you. It’s your kindness this world needs. Your kindness must have saved many souls up until now, including mine. Please, keep on saving many souls with your kindness.”
Yuto stood up while placing his bill on the counter. Taking a side glance, he send Matsumoto-san a smile, as a thank you too, for telling him the truth.
“I will take my leave. Goodbye.”
Yuto found himself staring aimlessly at the cherry blossom trees which had started to bloom on the park Ryosuke loves. The exact park he took Yamada with on his birthday, where they walked hand-in-hand under the beautiful pink petals fluttering around the sky. But to Yuto, the beautiful sight can’t match the beauty of Ryosuke’s smile by his side as he whispered a low ‘I love you’ to Yamada’s ear and the man would blush furiously, muttering words Yuto could barely heard but made his heart flutter weirdly.
“Yuto-kun, I love you too.”
And Yuto knew that Yamada is his happiness.
And as he left, so did Yuto’s only happiness.
Pulling the small gun he had kept for years for this exact moment, Yuto smiled.
“Please find your happiness, Ryosuke. The happiness that is not me. Because you deserve something better -someone much better.”
Looking down at the crumbled paper in his clutch, Yuto let out an ironic smile.
“Thank you for your kindness. For the things you made me see. I, I will never forget you. I can’t. And my love for you will never cease. I will always pray for you, for your happiness, no matter where you are and with whom you are. Always.”
And Yuto could only cry.
“Goodbye, Yamada Ryosuke. My love. My life. My everything.”
Yuto lifted the gun to his head. He’s ready for this. He’d been ready the moment he decided to go to this town. He’d planned to do this since long. Prepared this one last bullet for this exact moment. For him to leave for good after finishing all his business in town. His decision which was long forgotten after his encounter with Ryosuke. The decision he remembered after he left. The man whose life he had ruined.
And Yuto pulled the trigger.
“YUTO-KUN !”
Everything was like a blur to Yuto after that.
Yuto remembered pulling the trigger. But he also remembered someone calling his name and pushing his body to the ground, pulling the gun away from him. He felt more than remember, though, the bullet was released from the gun but there was no pain. He only felt an added weight fell on top of him. The strangely familiar weight and warmth he thought he would no longer feel.
“Ryosuke ?”
Yuto was in a daze. Ryosuke was supposed to be at the airport by now, waiting for his flight. Or at least, preparing to leave to the airport for his flight. Or anywhere else. This place was the last place Yuto expected Ryosuke to be.
“Yuto-kun, you stupid--!” The younger man tried to be intimidating, but his voice was clouded with something else, something Yuto remembered faintly from his dark past.
“Ryosuke, wha- ?”
“You’re stupid! Even after everything, I should hate you, but I can’t !” Ryosuke hissed and he seemed to be struggling from something. And that’s when Yuto felt a cold sensation on his stomach. And Yuto looked down to see-
“Ryosuke, what’s wrong ?”
But Yuto knew what happened.
“I don’t know if I forgive you or not. But, but I-“
“Ryosuke, stop talking ! I’ll call for some help right now !” Yuto fished out his phone to call for an ambulance, his hands shaking as he pushed the button.
“I know that I- I love you. B- but I’m sorry. I-“
“I can’t be with you anymore.”
“I…”
“I just want you to know that I never regret our meeting. The moments I spent with you, they are my treasures.”
“I….”
“But I have to leave now. I have to leave now so I-“
“Y-Yu-to…”
”You’re a kind man. And you always deserve happiness.”
“No, Ryosuke, no !” Yuto wailed, tears streaming his face as Ryosuke’s body fell limp in his arms. “No, no, no ! Please hang on, Ryosuke ! Ryosuke !”
Yuto cried as he buried his face deep in Ryosuke’s chest, calling out his name until his voice was hoarse.
“No, Ryosuke ! I love you, I love you, please don’t do this to me ! No !”
And the last thing Yuto remembered was Yamada’s warmth slowly leaving him.
***
It is a work of fate. Though he was never one to believe in such words.
He never wanted this. All of these. When he returned to this town after years, he never expected this to happen. He never expected things to go this way.
Or not.
Perhaps deep inside him, he knew this would have happened sooner or later. Perhaps, that was why he came back. He just never knew he would fall this deep, or that it would feel this painful.
“This is my atonement.”
He whispered to no one. Gripping the piece of paper in his hands tight, he closed his eyes. And so he lets go.
~~~The End~~~
Author :
zeon_avalanthe
Rating : PG-13
Genre : AU ; Fluff ; Angst
Pairing : YutoYama
Disclaimer : Everyone knows that I don't own any of those boys, sadly.. And the Bartender setting I used in this story was shamelessly taken from the drama Bartender which Aiba Masaki starred at.. The drinks mentioned belong to their respective, err, founders..
Summary : He finally find his happiness. But will his happiness last? Or will the nightmare of his past haunt him and ruin his happiness?
Author's Note : This fic was my project for YutoYama Exchange 2015 in AO3, dedicated for butthurtnoona. Many thanks for my beta Joana for helping me out in this project.. Now that the exchange is finally over and the fics have all been revealed, I think it is save for me to cross-post my story here.. :)
I advise you to listen to this song called Futari by Matsushita Yuya as you read this chapter.. It could've been just me, but I think the song has the right 'feels' to this certain chapter.. And since I can't embed the song, you may want to visit the link here to listen to it.. Thank you~
~Chapter 4~
Walking back to Yamada’s apartment seemed like a hard chore for Yuto that day. But Yamada had invited him for dinner and Yuto doesn’t have the heart to cancel. With heavy steps, and a heavier heart, Yuto dragged his feet to the familiar path.
It was drizzling when Yuto arrived at Yamada’s doorstep. Forcing a smile at Yamada’s bright one, the words Matsumoto-san left started echoing inside his head. The two shared a meal that night -a delicious carbonara pasta Yamada learnt from Matsumoto-san. Yamada led most of the conversation, but Yuto was sure he noticed Yuto’s weird mood because he sighed as he drop his fork on the plate.
“What’s wrong, Yuto-kun ? You don’t seem well tonight. Are you feeling sick ?”
Yuto made a small smile to ease Yamada’s worry.
“I’m fine. Just a little tired. Don’t worry.” Yuto tried to convince the younger man but he himself wasn’t convinced by his words.
“But-“
“Say, Ryosuke. If you were to meet the one who had took your parents’ life, what would you do ?”
Yamada looked taken aback by the sudden question. How could he not ? Yuto was suddenly blurting a weird question out of the blue.
“Yuto-kun, what are you--?”
“Can you please just answer my question ?” Yuto cut his words the second time, unable to look at Yamada properly.
A long sigh came from Yamada’s direction and Yuto knew that Yamada is contemplating.
“I don’t know, Yuto-kun. Honestly, I really don’t know. It was all in the past and I really don’t want to be dragged by the past. But- “ Yamada sounded he’s hesitating. “But I’m not sure whether I had forgiven him or not. It’s just, it was so hard for me and I was suddenly left by myself. I didn’t know what to do and I still don’t. I just, I just want to let it go and move on with my life, because clinging onto it hurts, and I’m tired of feeling hurt.”
A cold dreading feeling washed over Yuto the instant Yamada’s eyes looked down in sorrow. He wants to cut this conversation short and forget it forever, but Yuto came back to this town, to the place where he was born, for a reason. And Yuto had made a vow to himself that he won’t back out on it.
Taking a deep breath, Yuto clutched onto his heart tightly, preparing himself for the other man’s reaction.
“Ryosuke, there is, there is something I need to tell you.”
Yuto looked up and saw Ryosuke’s eyes shooting him a look that says he has something to say too, but decided to wait for Yuto first.
“I, I’m not who you think I am.” Yuto said nervously, and when Ryosuke showed confusion, he continued. “I was not always the Nakajima Yuto you came to know. I, I was a bad guy, Ryosuke, a very bad guy.”
“Yuto-kun ? What are you trying to say ?” Ryosuke asked, voice so soft as he looked into Yuto’s eyes gently.
“I had a past I have yet to tell you. A past I’d rather bury deep. A reason as to why I left this town many years ago, and why I decided to come back.” Yuto closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm his racing heart. “I was a murderer.”
Yuto could feel rather than see Yamada’s eyes bulging at his sudden revelation, before Yamada broke out into a nervous laugh.
“What kind of a joke you are saying, Yuto-kun ? You scared me for a moment there.”
Yuto then opened his eyes, carefully looking up and catched Yamada’s gaze with his.
“I’m not joking, Ryosuke. I was once a murderer.”
Yamada fell into silence after that, as if refusing to process the words coming from Yuto. And so Yuto decided to spill the bomb.
“I was the one who killed your parents, Ryosuke.”
When Ryosuke gave him no response, Yuto dared himself to take a side glance and saw Yamada looking back at him, eyes unreadable.
“They told me I had to kill or I would be killed. I knew I shouldn’t have accepted their offer, that I should just let myself be killed rather than having to kill others, but I can’t. I was just a kid, I was too coward to die. And so I said yes.”
Yuto closed his eyes, the sound of the rain echoing inside his head.
“The reason why I returned here was to find the boy whose parents I had murdered, and tell him I was sorry, that if I could, I would turn back the time to undo everything. I, I just never expected that boy to be, to be the exact person I fell in love with. I, Ryosuke, I really am sorry. I know a lifetime won’t be enough to mend the scar I had left you, but I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I really am.”
Yuto couldn’t bear to look into Yamada’s eyes, instead focusing his gaze at the hem of his shirt. Yamada has yet to say a word after Yuto’s story, and he can’t help the building up fear inside him.
“Did you- did you came to me with that intention from the very first time ? To win my heart so I won’t, can’t be mad at you after knowing it all ?”
At Yamada’s words after the long silence, Yuto snapped his head up, shaking it furiously.
“No, no ! I, I never thought like that ! Our first meeting, it was pure coincidence ! I never knew you were that boy until today ! Please trust me ! I, I never thought of using your feelings like that ! And my feelings, my love for you is real !”
But Yuto could only see coldness in Yamada’s eyes. And that’s when he realized that Yamada has given up on him.
“I know I don’t deserve your love. Not anymore, after everything that happened. And, and it’s completely okay if you want to break up with me, I understand. I really do. It’s just, I just want you to know that I truly fell in love with you, and, and I want you to know how much I’m sorry for everything. I, I-“
But Yamada stood up abruptly from his seat without letting Yuto finish his words. And without even sparing him a single look, Yamada left.
“I need some fresh air. When I get back, I want you gone already. Please.”
The last ‘please’ Yamada uttered broke Yuto’s heart. It was not because of the fact that Yamada had just dumped him. It was because Yuto could feel how much Yamada is hurt from that one word, it’s like saying it is tearing himself apart. It was because Yuto could see the tears which fell from his eyes as he passed by Yuto. And Yuto knew he’s the reason why Yamada cried.
“Oh, God.”
***
It looks like the rain from his last encounter with Yamada is continuing inside Yuto’s heart. Despite the blazing sun out there, Yuto felt the damp and gloomy rain never leaving him. He packed his stuff from Yamada’s apartment that night, and left the house with a note of ‘I’m sorry’ stucked carefully on Yamada’s fridge. He stopped coming to Eden Hall too. And he practically stopped smiling ever since.
“You can’t make such a face when teaching the kids, you know.” Inoo let out a tired sigh after his many attempts to cheer Yuto’s mood up. His senior has yet to know the reason, but he had figured out that his relationship with Yamada is over the moment his eyes locked onto Yuto’s lifeless one. “Why don’t you take a leave ? You know, to mend your heart or something.”
But Yuto can’t.
“I’m fine, Inoo-chan. Don’t worry.” It was fake because he was not okay and never will be.
Two weeks had passed since he last saw and heard from Yamada, and he’s still as messed up as he was the day he told the man the truth. He tried to keep his routine as usual though, minus his weekly visit to Eden Hall and the frequent meetings with Yamada. He’s currently scanning through his mails when he found an unusual envelope from the pack. Creasing his forehead, Yuto carefully open the envelope and pulled out a few papers with a neat handwritting he could recognize anywhere.
It’s Yamada’s.
Feeling his heartbeat increasing and droplets of cold sweat rolling down his forehead, Yuto sat himself on the couch before reading the letters carefully.
‘Dear Nakajima Yuto-sama,
I’m sorry for leaving abruptly that day, but the news was too overwhelming I was at lost at what to do. It still felt unreal to me even now, and honestly, I’m still not sure of what I feel towards you now after I had heard your story.
You see, despite the passing years, I still find myself unable to forgive the one who had killed my parents. While true that I decided to let it go, the scar is still too raw and too painful for me. I had willed myself to forget, but I still can’t bring myself to forgive.
That’s why it’s harder for me now. Because I love you, so much that it hurts. And yet, at the same time, after knowing the truth, I can’t see you in the face without feeling my heart break. It hurts all the more, because I want to hate my parents’ killer, yet I can’t, because it’s you.
I just can’t hate you. I had cried myself to sleep every night after that night to force myself to hate you, but I can’t. But I also can’t stay by your side anymore after knowing the truth. Because being with you, it feels like I’m betraying my parents, betraying myself...
That night, I actually had something to tell you as well. A friend of Masaki-kun was hired to be the chief bartender at a prestigious hotel in France. And he offered me to come with him as his apprentice. I told him to give me time, because I wanted to discuss it with you first, because I didn’t want to leave you. But now, now I made my mind. I will take his offer and come with him to France. I need this. My feelings are all over the place and I need the time and space to be alone and re-arrange my heart. I need to be away from you, to mend my heart. Because being here with you, I just keep getting reminded of the past I wanted to bury. And everything is just too confusing. With you, I just don’t know what to do anymore.
That’s why I decided to leave. Please respect my decision and don’t look for me.
I don’t regret our meeting, and what follows after that. If anything, I’m thankful to you. You had taught me so many things, took me to explore a world I have yet to see before. And please, you don’t have to feel guilty anymore. You’ve paid for your sins and you’ve suffered enough. What I do now is just me trying to find an answer for myself. And I’m sorry if I had left you hurting.
Lastly, I believe in you when you said that your love was true. Because I know, that the love I felt is not fake. And I want you to know, that I love you too. Please don’t hold onto me after I leave. Find your own happiness, because you deserve it.
In the future, if fate decided us to meet and be together again, I hope by that time, I’m already prepared to forgive. I hope by that time, I can see you as the you I came to love without complicated feelings involved.
But if we are not meant to be together, I hope both of us could accept it wholeheartedly. Because perhaps, we are not the right one for each other. Because perhaps, this is for the best.
Please take care of yourself, may God blesses our way always.
Yours sincerely,
Yamada Ryosuke’
***
“You can still stop him from leaving, you know.”
Yuto made a smile, and shook his head slowly.
“It’s his decision. I have no right to stop him.”
“But you can still pursue him.”
“I want to…” Yuto bit his lips, trying hard to stop himself from breaking. “But I can’t. I just can’t.”
“You’re just hurting him this way. And yourself.”
Yuto shook his head, a soft chuckle coming from his lips.
“Ryosuke will move on from me. He’s strong, I know he will. And I believe, that he’s better off without me. I will only hurt him more if I stay by his side.” Yuto sighed deeply. “I deserve this. I deserve worse, after what I’ve done.”
“Yuto…”
“Inoo-chan, thank you for everything. For all your support. I, I will never forget you. Never.”
“Yuto, what- ?”
But Yuto left no room for the older man to continue. He left before Inoo could finish his sentence. He had made his mind. Now that he has finished his unfinished business (the reason he came here for), Yuto only have one last place to go to before leaving.
“Good evening.”
Yuto figured that Aiba-san had known already even before Matsumoto-san told him everything, and he wondered as to why the man didn’t say anything to him at all.
“Good evening, Nakajima-sama. May I take your order for the night ?” Aiba-san gave him his usual warm smile as he handed the small hand towel.
“Your recommendation, please.” Yuto said softly, smiling back as his eyes caught a sight of Matsumoto-san on the other side of the counter, eyeing him closely from afar.
“Very well, Sir.”
Aiba-san then started to mix various kind of drinks before pouring his creation to the glass and slide it over to Yuto’s side.
“It’s called XYZ, Sir.”
“XYZ ?”
“Yes. The name consists three last letters in alphabet, meaning that there is no other better creation than this one. In another meaning, this drink also means the end of one’s journey.” Aiba-san explained to him, and Yuto could see how it relates to himself. “But if we try to see it from a different point of view, an end could also mean a new beginning. Without an end, you cannot start another journey.”
An ironic smile rose on Yuto’s lips.
“Yes. It’s just as you said, Aiba-san. The end also means a new beginning. It’s just, the journey I’m about to enter is not like what you might have expected it would be. In another meaning, perhaps, this new beginning is also the end for me.”
Yuto looked up from his glass before taking a sip.
“It’s delicious, Aiba-san. Thank you. For this, and for everything. Even after everything I’ve done, you still, I, thank you. It’s your kindness this world needs. Your kindness must have saved many souls up until now, including mine. Please, keep on saving many souls with your kindness.”
Yuto stood up while placing his bill on the counter. Taking a side glance, he send Matsumoto-san a smile, as a thank you too, for telling him the truth.
“I will take my leave. Goodbye.”
Yuto found himself staring aimlessly at the cherry blossom trees which had started to bloom on the park Ryosuke loves. The exact park he took Yamada with on his birthday, where they walked hand-in-hand under the beautiful pink petals fluttering around the sky. But to Yuto, the beautiful sight can’t match the beauty of Ryosuke’s smile by his side as he whispered a low ‘I love you’ to Yamada’s ear and the man would blush furiously, muttering words Yuto could barely heard but made his heart flutter weirdly.
“Yuto-kun, I love you too.”
And Yuto knew that Yamada is his happiness.
And as he left, so did Yuto’s only happiness.
Pulling the small gun he had kept for years for this exact moment, Yuto smiled.
“Please find your happiness, Ryosuke. The happiness that is not me. Because you deserve something better -someone much better.”
Looking down at the crumbled paper in his clutch, Yuto let out an ironic smile.
“Thank you for your kindness. For the things you made me see. I, I will never forget you. I can’t. And my love for you will never cease. I will always pray for you, for your happiness, no matter where you are and with whom you are. Always.”
And Yuto could only cry.
“Goodbye, Yamada Ryosuke. My love. My life. My everything.”
Yuto lifted the gun to his head. He’s ready for this. He’d been ready the moment he decided to go to this town. He’d planned to do this since long. Prepared this one last bullet for this exact moment. For him to leave for good after finishing all his business in town. His decision which was long forgotten after his encounter with Ryosuke. The decision he remembered after he left. The man whose life he had ruined.
And Yuto pulled the trigger.
“YUTO-KUN !”
Everything was like a blur to Yuto after that.
Yuto remembered pulling the trigger. But he also remembered someone calling his name and pushing his body to the ground, pulling the gun away from him. He felt more than remember, though, the bullet was released from the gun but there was no pain. He only felt an added weight fell on top of him. The strangely familiar weight and warmth he thought he would no longer feel.
“Ryosuke ?”
Yuto was in a daze. Ryosuke was supposed to be at the airport by now, waiting for his flight. Or at least, preparing to leave to the airport for his flight. Or anywhere else. This place was the last place Yuto expected Ryosuke to be.
“Yuto-kun, you stupid--!” The younger man tried to be intimidating, but his voice was clouded with something else, something Yuto remembered faintly from his dark past.
“Ryosuke, wha- ?”
“You’re stupid! Even after everything, I should hate you, but I can’t !” Ryosuke hissed and he seemed to be struggling from something. And that’s when Yuto felt a cold sensation on his stomach. And Yuto looked down to see-
“Ryosuke, what’s wrong ?”
But Yuto knew what happened.
“I don’t know if I forgive you or not. But, but I-“
“Ryosuke, stop talking ! I’ll call for some help right now !” Yuto fished out his phone to call for an ambulance, his hands shaking as he pushed the button.
“I know that I- I love you. B- but I’m sorry. I-“
“I can’t be with you anymore.”
“I…”
“I just want you to know that I never regret our meeting. The moments I spent with you, they are my treasures.”
“I….”
“But I have to leave now. I have to leave now so I-“
“Y-Yu-to…”
”You’re a kind man. And you always deserve happiness.”
“No, Ryosuke, no !” Yuto wailed, tears streaming his face as Ryosuke’s body fell limp in his arms. “No, no, no ! Please hang on, Ryosuke ! Ryosuke !”
Yuto cried as he buried his face deep in Ryosuke’s chest, calling out his name until his voice was hoarse.
“No, Ryosuke ! I love you, I love you, please don’t do this to me ! No !”
And the last thing Yuto remembered was Yamada’s warmth slowly leaving him.
***
It is a work of fate. Though he was never one to believe in such words.
He never wanted this. All of these. When he returned to this town after years, he never expected this to happen. He never expected things to go this way.
Or not.
Perhaps deep inside him, he knew this would have happened sooner or later. Perhaps, that was why he came back. He just never knew he would fall this deep, or that it would feel this painful.
“This is my atonement.”
He whispered to no one. Gripping the piece of paper in his hands tight, he closed his eyes. And so he lets go.
~~~The End~~~