Solitude
Title : Solitude
Author :
zeon_avalanthe
Rating : PG-13
Genre : AU ; Angst
Pairing : YamaJima
Disclaimer : Everyone knows that I don't own any of those boys, sadly..
Summary : All I ever wanted was for you to acknowledge my feelings.. For you to know how much you meant for me.. For you to see how much I love you.. And to prove it all, I will do anything, even if I have to dove alone into the depth of solitude..
Author's Note : I'm never one to make a good summary.. Well, the story was inspired by UVERworld's song, The Over.. I just love the mood of the song and how the message was delivered through the lyrics and the melody.. Please listen to the song as you read the story.. Since LJ just won't let me embed the song, please visit this link instead.. Hope you'll like it~
~~Solitude~~
Someone told me once before, that I would regret it, for ever meeting you. Despite knowing that it was right, I found myself thanking your existence in my life instead.
Just as the school bells rang, our homeroom teacher walked inside the class, with another boy behind her in tow. Whispers could be heard immediately as this new guy came into view. This must be the new transfer student people were talking about. From his appearance, I won't be surprised if people mistook him as a girl. I mean, his porcelain white skin, sparkly eyes, and pointy lips are treats usually had by a girl. I would clearly mistook him as a girl if not for him enrolling to our all-boys high school.
"All right class. We are going to have new transfer student from today. Please be nice to him. Yamada-kun, please introduce yourself."
And as soon as the boy nodded his head gracefully and began speaking, I knew I was entranced by his being.
"Good morning. My name is Yamada Ryosuke and I came from Tokyo. Please guide me thoroughly." With his almost expressionless tone, this Yamada Ryosuke boy bowed deeply in front of the class.
"Alright, any of you want to ask something toward Yamada-kun ?" Takeda-sensei scanned the still whispering students inside her class.
Feeling a sudden impulse running through my system, I raised my hand.
"Yes, Nakajima-kun ?"
"Are you single ?" I quickly asked.
And from his disbelieving face looking back at me as if I'm the stupidest living being existed, he spoke coldly, "I believe it was none of your business."
And so the rest of the class went on in silence.
***
I always thought that our meeting was a fated one. Like we were meant to to see each other with the feeling that we've been longing for each other for long. But the more I stayed with you, the more I doubted it that you're feeling the same. Even then, I couldn't bring myself to mind.
"Such a coincidence for us to share room together, don't you think ?"
I watched how Ryosuke just shrugged my comment off before he plopped down onto his bed. I just smiled. Looking at him was enough, I thought. Without saying anything, I just sat on my study chair while staring at him, all giggly. And as I saw him about to dozed off, my eyes went to his belongings stood by the bedside and frowned.
"Yamada-kun ? Aren't you going to unpack ?"
I heard him mumbling something incoherent before he stood and lazily unpack his stuffs.
"Do you need help ?" I offered to help him hesitantly.
"No need. It's not going to take long, anyway." Answered the boy coldly.
I pouted on my chair before turning my body back to the desk. "Fine then." I gruntled unhappily before focusing on my homework instead, which failed. Quite miserably.
"Hey. Come to think of it, we haven't introduced myself properly, don't you think so ?" I turned back at him but received no answer in return. "I'm Nakajima Yuto."
"I know." Ryosuke commented. "Takeda-sensei told me before."
Seriously, can't you play nicer ? I thought in annoyance. But hey, I'm not going to let it stop me. "Anyway, why did you enrolled here from all places, Yamada-kun ?"
As soon as those words slipped out of my mouth, I regretted it. For Ryosuke's expression suddenly turned sour as he lowered his head down, clearly trying to hide it from me.
"I'm sorry ! I didn't mean to offend or anything ! " I shouted frantically, all the while trying to read his expression.
"It was-kinda personal." Ryosuke said at last. "I'd rather not speak about it."
I could only nod my head then, feeling all guilty for bringing up the seemingly sensitive issue.
"Oyasumi, Yamada-kun."
***
You had changed me completely. It's as if I never really existed ever since you came to my life. And now, all I knew is just to run away from everything and anything. It scares me sometimes, on how I have became. But again, it was all done for your sake. Just so I won't lose you.
"Yamada-kun hates it. We should change the menu for our Cafe."
Groans of complaints could be heard when those words slipped from Yuto's lips.
"Again ? Seriously, Yuto. We've changed our Cafe's name for about five times before you finally agreed on it. And we have reconsider about the decorations of our Cafe over and over again until we've came to the best decision which fit us all. Now the menu ? Just admit it, Yuto, if we're going to do everything up to that anti-social boy's taste, we'll be getting nowhere. In case you didn't know, he HATES everything, Yuto !" The Cafe manager finally burst out in frustation. "Just get real, Yuto. We're trying to attract customers here. We're not trying to touch Yamada's heart."
I was taken aback by Keito's outburst. He is usually a calm and collected person and rarely got into his temper. I must have pissed him off real bad.
"I-I'm sorry. As a class leader I was just trying to have everyone involved in this event." I bowed my head apologetically.
"No Yuto. To be precise, you were trying to make Yamada the main actor here."
Keito's retorts once again, had drove me speechless. Because, whether I admit it or not, Keito was right. I was just being too focused on Ryosuke that I forgot about everyone else's point of view.
"I-"
"You've changed, Yuto. A lot. And it was all because of him." Keito cutted me off before I managed to say further. "I'm telling you this as a friend. Keep your distance from him. And don't get me wrong here. I'm not telling you to stay away from him, just, keep it a safe distance."
Smiling, I stood up and left the group to continue their discussion. They certainly won't stop me from going anyway. Maybe it'd better off if I wasn't there. They will be able to decide things more objectively. And beside, I can't dwell on that conversation any longer. Keito was asking the impossible.
Because I think I've crossed that safe line already.
***
I was getting crazy because of you, I knew. But I just couldn't stop myself from being pulled deeper into your maze. Until before I knew it, I've been lost.
"Yamada-kun ? What are you doing here ?"
The student council meeting had just ended thirty minutes ago, and it's almost 9 pm right now. Just a little over half an hour before our curfew. And here I am, feeling more depressed than ever. And no, it was not because of the meeting. Truth to be told, I didn't heard half of the meeting for I was too deep inside my own reverie. And I could be careless about it. In the end, everything was given to the student council's president to decide. So it doesn't really matter whether I agree or not to the idea. And I don't really care about it. It's not like it would change my life in any way.
And it was a surprise, that when I reached the school's rooftop -my secret hiding place, since it's forbidden for students to access- and found Ryosuke standing lifelessly at the edge of the rooftop, with his eyes looking to the vast night sky sadly. And as my sound filled the empty rooftop, he slowly turned his head towards me, looking at me with his infamous expressionless face.
"Nothing." He answered casually. "I was just imagining how it'll feel like to fall from here."
I widened my eyes in surprise, while feet carefully getting closer to where he stood. "Eh ? What are you thinking ? You don't really think of jumping from here and die, right ?" I ask nervously.
A small chuckle came from Ryosuke's mouth, before he stepped back and walked toward my direction. "I said that I was just imagining how it'll feel like to fall from here, right ? I never said anything about jumping on my own or something." He then walked past me and into the rooftop's door. "Though I must say, that the idea of dying wasn't that bad either. Since living doesn't really have a meaning too for me."
As I turned around and about to say something, I've come to realize that Ryosuke was not there anymore. Biting my lower lip, I brought a hand to my chest and grip onto the fabric tight, feeling my heart clench at the melancholic voice Ryosuke was using seconds ago.
***
You, the enigma in my life. You're like the sunshine in my dark times, yet you're also the storm in my sunny days. And for some weird reason, I have this urge in wanting to be the one who could bring a smile back to your face. A smile which I believe would make you even lovelier than you already are.
Feeling all giggly and nervous, I once again take a look on the cake which stood still on my desk, trying to rearrange the strawberries on top of the cheesecake more properly. From time to time, I would turn my gaze to the clock, and then to the door. It's almost 7 am, his usual time to get back to the room after his morning routine, which is jogging around the school area.
At the sound of doorknob being pulled, I jolted up on my two feet while staring at the door expectingly. And I could clearly felt a grin begin to form in my face, as I saw those familiar brown hair came into view. Pulling the cheesecake from the desk, I quickly rushed to his side.
"Happy birthday, Yamada-kun !" I half-shoved the cake to his face, which caught him off for a second, before his surprised face turned sour as he looked at me.
"What the hell are you doing ?" From tone he is using, I know that he's feeling unhappy.
"Uhm, celebrating your birthday ?" I said hesitantly. "I accidentally looked into your data from the student council storage, and I just found out that today is your birthday. So I think, why not celebrating it together ?"
I watched his features carefully as he looked away after I said those words. He seemed to be reminiscing something as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. After some agonizing few seconds, he re-opened his eyes, before staring daggers straight into mine.
"Who ever asked you to do that ?" He asked dangerously.
"W-well, I thought you'll be, uhm, happy..." I trailed off.
"Well, I'm not." He hissed. "I don't need this stupid celebration. I don't need this stupid cake. I don't need your stupid sentiment. All I wanted, is for you to stay away from me." He spoke coldly, venom filled his voice.
I could feel tears accumulating in the corner of my eyes. And as I stared back at his deep and mysterious brown orbs, all I see is sorrow. And longing.
"I can't." I squeaked.
"Huh ?" He frowned at me.
I took a deep breath and stared at him firmer. "I can't stay away from you. Because, because it's just you that I can't seem to let go."
Those statements seemingly had surprised Ryosuke as he moved back a little. His eyes then wandered before he bit his lip, as if trying to suppress his own feelings. He looked like he's about to say something, but as our eyes met, he said nothing as he turned around and slammed the door into my face, leaving me all alone inside our dorm room.
And as soon as his figure disappeared, I fell. The strawberry cheesecake I had bought for him now all scattered on the floor. Pulling my knees up, I round my arms around them and hug myself tight. I laughed ironically at the sound of little birds chirping in the morning sky, as if trying to mock me from my misery. Looking up to the window, I could see the pale blue sky shone brightly, without anything to cover it's blueness. It's almost as if the sky was trying to show the world it's bare self, without feeling any shame on it.
Ah, I think this is my first time ever seeing this kind of pale blue sky. Come to think of it, the night sky was also coloured blue, just it was more into the darker shade of blue.
Chuckling, I leaned back on the chair behind me, all the while closing my eyes in the process. And before I could stop myself, I could feel warm tears flowing down my cheeks. I suddenly remember Ryosuke's eyes before he left minutes ago. Those sorrow and sadness and longing, I think I can understand his feelings now. Those were just unbearable, I feel I could burst anytime. What is it ? This kind of feeling. The feeling as if you're longing for something you could no longer reach. It's-
"Loneliness..."
***
I was hopeless around you, and still am. But even when people told me that I was just wasting my times trying to get along with you, those all fell to deaf ears as I continue to pursue you, giving you those smiles you seemed to have forgotten, in hope that someday, you'll remember them again. Yes, to me, you are an irreplaceable important being.
"What did you just said again ?" Ryosuke raised an eyebrow, ignoring the whispers that could be heard amongst us already.
Taking a deep breath, I repeat those words I told him just seconds ago. "I love you, Yamada Ryosuke."
"Well, I hate you."
Ryosuke tried to brush me off and is about to leave. But I was faster so I blocked his way instead.
"I don't care."
Ryosuke frowned at my insistence as he seemed to thought another way to get away from me.
"You're annoying."
"I'll try to be less disruptful."
"You're noisy."
"I'll be more quiet."
"I don't like seeing your face."
"I'll have a surgery if it will satisfy you."
"I don't like your smell."
"I'll change my bodysoap and perfume and bath every hour if needed."
"I don't like your presence at all."
"I'll die for you as long as you'll accept my feeling." I said firmly.
Those words had brought Ryosuke off guard and made the students around us gasping and whispering even fiercer than before.
"I can't." Ryosuke spoke softly. His eyes looking at me tearfully.
This, by no means, is the very first time I ever saw Ryosuke showed this much emotions in front of me. His tearful, begging eyes clenched my heart tight. Looking around our surroundings, I think this is not the best place for Ryosuke to stay right now. So out of impulse, I took his hand with mine and ran off.
I just let my feet brought us somewhere without curious eyes peeking into us once every few seconds. And before I knew it, we're already standing face to face on the windy rooftop, both panting for breath.
Once our breathing had settled down, I gently reached out and cupped his face. I could see him flinching at the touch, but comment nothing so I thought it's safe to continue. I then lifted his face and forced him to look at me. I stared at him, with all my sincere love I could afford.
"Why can't you accept my feeling ? I'm not asking you to return in. I just, want you to acknowledge my feeling for you." I spoke softly. "Why can't you look at me properly ?"
"I just can't." Ryosuke closed his eyes and moved away, leaving my hand hanging in the air. "You, you reminded me too much to those memories I want to erase. That's why-"
"You don't have to force yourselves to forget your past. It will only hurt you more." I said as I walked closer to him. "You'll have to move on from those past eventually, but that doesn't mean that you have to forget."
"You don't understand." Ryosuke shook his head, as if refusing to listen to my words.
"True enough, I might don't understand your past, and never will be." I sighed deeply. "But one thing I know, that when I'm trying to imagine my future, there's only one scene replaying inside my head, and that is a future where you're there, walking side-by-side with me, enjoying our lives. A future without you, I just can't see it."
Ryosuke said nothing as he kept facing his back to me.
"Please, please give me a chance to show you how much you meant to me." I croaked out, tears ready to fall anytime. "Give me a chance to show you how much I love you."
I could see Ryosuke's figure shook at each words I said. I knew that I'm hurting him, but all I wanted is a chance. Was it so wrong ? Because I believe, that I can make him happy. I can make him smile again. I can make us happy.
"Please, Ryosuke..."
As those two words escaped my mouth, almost immediately Ryosuke turned back to me and punched me in the face, hard.
"Don't call me with such familiarity, you dumbass !" He yelled furiously before taking off, leaving me on the ground, a hand on my bruised cheek.
"I love you, Ryosuke. And I'm not going to let you go, no matter what."
***
And seeing you here with that peaceful smile plastered on your face, I knew I didn't regret that day I fell for you. Or that day I decided to confront you and tell the world how I felt. Or the day I proclaimed you as my official love of the life. Because I just knew, that you're the right one for me. And I'm going to fight for you, until death do us apart.
"Good afternoon, Ryosuke."
I smiled contendedly at the boy sleeping peacefully on the bed. His expression so serene, as if there's nothing which would disturb him from his deep slumber. I then pick the vase on top of the bedside drawer, took it to the sink to throw away the withering white lilies with the fresh ones and change the water on the vase, before put it back to where it was placed before. Satisfied with how it looks, I then proceeded to sit on the chair next to the bed, taking Ryosuke's right hand into mine in the process.
"How are you feeling today ?" I started off. "You see, our Cafe at the school festival was a huge success. We even had to close early because we ran out of supplies. Keito was thrilled, but at the same time panicked by the crowds. Well, it can't be helped, I think. But we all did great. We even intended to have an after-party to celebrate this tonight. But I declined the offer. Well, I couldn't possibly missing a day to visit you, could I ? Not when I've promised to visit you every single day without a miss."
I leaned back on my chair, hands still interlacing with Ryosuke's cold ones.
"Do you know why I'm doing this everyday ? It's because I want to be the first one you see when you open your eyes. It's because I want to be the first one to smile at you when you open your eyes. It's because I want to be the first one to hold your hands when you finally open your eyes. So please-" I closed my eyes, fighting back an urge to cry, again. "Please, open your eyes. Show me those two beautiful brown orbs I love. Show me your smile you never managed to show me before. Tell me, tell me that you'll accept my love for you. Please-"
Droplets of tears finally fell and wetted the white sheet which cover the bed Ryosuke's on. Unconcsiously, my hands wrapped around Ryosuke's pale one tighter, as if searching desperately for a reaction I knew I wouldn't get. But was it wrong to hold onto that one string of hope ?
For the next two hours, I sat there still, holding onto Ryosuke's cold hands and watching his sleeping figure contendedly. And even when one of the nurse came and told me that visiting hour was over since 10 minutes ago, I felt all too reluctant to leave.
"I'll come again tomorrow, Ryosuke. Rest well."
I placed a loving kiss on his forehead, before I grabbed my bag and left. I bowed at the nurse as I walked away, noticing how she looked at me with symphaty. Of course. I was the only one -aside from Ryosuke's families- who would come and visit Ryosuke since he was admitted to the hospital two weeks ago. And in my every visit, I would only spent the times crying. In guilt. Knowing that I was the reason Ryosuke ended this way.
How I wished I could stop Ryosuke from running away that day at the rooftop. Because if I did, then Ryosuke would not slipped on his run and fell from the stairs. Because if I did, then Ryosuke would not ended up in a coma and lied helplessly on the hospital bed. Because if I did, then-
"But if I didn't, I won't be able to convince myself about how I truly felt about Ryosuke." I sighed as I leaned back on the bench while waiting for my bus to arrive. "I might be regretting the fact that I couldn't stop you that day, but I certainly couldn't regret for ever falling in love with you."
All my life, I've always tried so hard to suppress my feelings in order to answer people's expectations. All my life, I could never been true to myself. Only when I met you, I knew what I truly want. Only when you came to my life, I stopped lying to myself. Only when you showed up in front of me, that I realized, the love that I've been searching was you all along.
"I will never leave you alone." I whispered sadly as I stared at the vast deep night sky, a piece of paper hanging loosely between my fingertips. "I love you, so much, Yamada Ryosuke." And then I closed my eyes.
~The End~
How was it ? *excited*
And oh, yeah, the bold and underlined parts were parts of Yuto's letter..
And no, I'm not going to explain anything further.. *evil smirk*
Comments are appreciated~