Do You Love Me?
Title: Do you Love Me?
Genre: Hurt
Summary: Seungri finds out whether he is loved or no
Seungri P.O.V
“Do you love me?” I ask him as I straddle him.
“I don’t know,” he answers. I sigh this wasn’t the first time I asked him this question, and him replying with the same answer. I look down at him caressing his face against the palm of my hand. I look into his eyes, I wish I could say I saw nothing but love in them, but that was a fool’s wish and I am greatest fool on earth.
Maybe if he just says no to the question for once, I could finally just give up and move on. But I knew that he wouldn’t, he and I both knew what might happen if I do let him go
This relationship from the beginning was never his choice. Coming from a rich background, and running a multimillion dollar company doesn’t help either, mostly when the other was brought into the relationship because of rich company saving his family business. His family business was going under, my father saved it, but in return he was mine.
The ironic part? He was twice as big as me and two times tougher, but here he is under me, laid out like a doll for me to play with. But I don’t want to play with him, I want him to play with me. In a loving way of course To hold me, cuddle me, whisper sweet nothing into my ears that will make me blush and scream at him in embarrassment, but really I love every word he is saying.
I fell in love with him when I first saw him. He came with his family to ask for help from my father. I was still in elementary school when that happened, he was in high school. They personally met with my father at our house. When my father rejected all ideas of assistance from him they ended up on their knees begging, but he merely sighed got up and left. Even when he left they were still there bowed down on their knees hoping he would come back, and he did, but only because I had taken interest in their son. My father made a deal, his help for their son. They quickly agreed, they then went into his office to make up plans and sign paper work, leaving me with him.
He looked at me smiling introducing himself as Seunghyun. I giggled and told him he had the same name as me, he laughed back. Why didn’t I notice how forced those smiles and laughs were back then? I was such an idiot, I actually believed he enjoyed my company all those years. Until one graduation party, where he had stumbled into my room thinking it was his, a girl attached to his waist, confessing all the agony and frustration he went through having to be with me. Going on and on about always saying he cared and loved me but really he only stayed to keep his family afloat, but it would soon end once he had enough money to survive without my help. I believe it was because of their drunken state that they never noticed me or couldn’t remember, but I didn’t care. I never told him I was there, I never told him that I saw him have wild sex with that girl, and more importantly I never told him how hurt I was and that I will let him go. I kept him.
Years later, I was left with running the family business and hyung running his. After finding out his plan I quickly made sure he never left my side. I made his family more in debt to us and made sure he only saw me. We became lovers after I had confessed to him, knowing full well he couldn’t break my heart if he didn’t want to break his family business. He agreed pulling me into a hug and kissed my head, saying he felt the same way. For a second I really thought he was telling the truth, but when I felt him clenching the back of my shirt I mentally slapped myself. He could never love me.
Now we are here, him lying underneath me sweaty from the sex, and me on top of him trying to get any sort of reaction from him. At this this point he has become nothing but a doll, waiting for me to do as I wish. To pull his string whichever way I want. The sex like his care is empty. I quickly roll off of him and head to the shower. Leaving him to do as he please, usually after sex he would go somewhere and won’t come back till morning. My guess, a place to wash my stench away.
I head to the office once I finish showering and eating. My secretary by my side keeping with my pace since I entered, telling me my agenda. I listen to everything attentively all the way up to my office. Once he finishes I shoo him away and proceed to get to work.
In the middle of looking over papers someone knocked on my door. Knowing who it was I didn’t answer, said person barges in, slamming the door behind him and parks himself on the couch in the office waiting to be noticed. I always regret looking up, but today already started off as a bad day, might as well keep it rolling. Looking up at my guest, I see him smiling at me. Sitting causally on the couch, feet propped on my coffee table.
“Hi,” he says in a devilish way, waving me over to him.
I know I shouldn’t but apparently my body doesn’t listen. Soon I am making myself over to him, straddling his lap, his hands explore my back gliding over spine. He pulls me down by my tie, his lips ghosting over mine.
“I missed you,” he whispers licking my lips with his tongue, all I can do is shudder.
“When did you get back jiyong,” I whisper back.
“Does it matter?” He questioned, his hand lowering down to my ass, giving it light squeezes. “I am here now, what do you want to do about it?” He said in a playful manner, and oh does it affect me. Why, why does the words I so badly want to hear come from a man I don’t love.
“Because in reality you really do love me.” I pull back at the statement. He smiles mischievously at me, “You were thinking out loud again Ri.”
I sighed, grabbed his hands pushing them away from my body. “Didn’t realize I was,” I said solemnly.
He watches me get up and walk back towards my desk. “There is a lot of things you don’t realize, but that’s okay I will just tell you so that you realize it. For instance you and Seunh-
“Stop!” I cut him off. I knew where he was going to go with this. It is always like this when we meet up. We flirt, he fucks me till I scream out the wrong name, then we talk but he does most of the talking. “I know what you’re going to say Ji.”
He looks at me hard “Then end it with him. You know what I am going to say? Then end it with him and be with me god dammit!” He rises up from his seat and stomps his way over to me. “Why be with a man you don’t love wh-“
“I love him” I yell, fustrated. He laughs.
“You don’t love him. You own him. You just enjoy the feeling of having the power to own someone, to make them do whatever you want.”
I stare at him, my face emotionless. I turn back to my papers and sit back behind my desk. He scoffs and walks off, heading towards the door. Gripping the doorknob he stops and turns around. “On second thought you don’t enjoy the power, you don’t like owning him. You know what you are Ri? Scared, scared of having the person you care most leaving you the first chance he gets when you ask him the real question. If he is staying for you… or the money.” With that said he left this time slamming the door once again.
Staring at the spot where he once occupied on the couch I sighed and rake my fingers through my hair. This day was all just going to hell wasn’t it.
After hours of paperwork and meetings, I was finally done for the day. Seunghyun called me earlier asking if he needs to be home at a certain time today. Hearing that made my whole body tremble, the fact that he had to ask when to be home or if he needed to be home at a certain time made me want to break out into tears, but I kept it in.
I told him to just not come home at all. I could practically see his confused face when I said that. It was silent between us for a few seconds. He then asked if I was alright. I scoffed, since when did he care for my wellbeing, or was it the fact he was just scared for his family business. Before he could ask anymore questions I hung up the phone.
Before going home I drove to my parents’ house. It’s been a long time since I have seen them. Ever since I took over the company my parents were in their own world, and I wasn’t apart of it.
I entered the house and yelled for my parents. Letting the maids take my bag and jacket. I then saw my mother coming down the stairs, not in any rush to see her son that she practically lost all contact with.
“Seungri honey, what are you doing here? Is something wrong with the company?” Of course she would ask that. There could possibly be no chance of me wanting to just see my own parents.
“No mother, I just wanted to stop by and say hello.” She scrunched up her face in confusion. To her there was no chance in that. She looked to me and just nodded.
“Well then, why don’t we have dinner and maybe talk about how you are doing.” She led me to the dining hall and had me sit at the head of the table while she sat at the other end. I was 5 chairs away from her.
I never knew when the distance between my parents and I had started, but I am guessing it began when I took over the company. The way they see it is, they achieved the goal of their son taking over the company and made it thrive without a hitch, and now they could play and relax all they want knowing full well of their sons’ obedience. All that was left was me to get married have kids and start the process all over again, but that could wait a little longer.
I never hated them for thinking that way they gave me all that I wanted, keeping me happy enough for me to stay on the path of their choosing. It was well planned out, but I bet they weren’t expecting what’s to come.
When the butler came to ask what we would like to eat I simply waved him off. “I am not hungry mother.”
I could tell she was beyond confused. She had told the butler that she had already eaten so she was fine, but she asked for tea for both of us. We sat there in silence till he had brought it out. It’s crazy how we couldn’t even have a normal conversation between mother and son.
“So honey, is there something you need?” She asked while pouring her and me a cup of tea. Instead getting up and giving it to me, or even asking me to come to her and sit next to her, she simply gives the butler the tea set to hand it to me.
I sighed in frustration. I quickly stood up from my chair and sat next to my mother. This surprised her. She watched me as I moved to the seat next to her. She didn’t know what to do, I never acted this way before.
I took her left hand into mine. “Omma, how much do you love me?” This caught her over guard. She looked into my eyes opening and closing her mouth trying to get something out.
“I-I love you a lot honey.” She placed her other hand on top of mine, patting it in reassurance, but it felt far from it.
“So, if I were to give up on the company for some reason you wouldn’t be mad?” I asked her in all seriousness.
She sprung out of her seat, flicking my hands away from her. She stared at me in disbelief. “How could you ask such a thing!” She looked to me in betrayal. “What are you thinking! Haven’t we given you everything?! Toys, games, mansions, trips across the world! And that man!” She gasped, covering her mouth with the palm of her hand. “It’s him who is corrupting your mind isn’t! I should have known that family was no good.”
I shook my head and looked down at the hand that she had not just a minute ago pushed away. Pushed away just because I asked if she would be mad if I wanted to leave the company. I could hear her still ranting about Seunghyun hyung and his family and their “evil deeds” and how they would pay. I got up and held her by the shoulders making her look me in face.
“Omma, I never mentioned Seunghyun hyung, or that I wasn’t greatful for what you and dad has given me, but I just wanted to know if you would still love me if I were to leave the company.” I searched her eyes to see understanding, but still she was confused. All it was, was a simple what if question, and even then she could not tell me straight out that she would still love me. Even if it was a lie, at least she tried.
Just then my father walked it, probably hearing all the yelling and coming down from wherever and investigating. “What is going on?” My mother saw him and bolted straight to him.
“Yeobo, Seungri is talking this nonsense about leaving the company!” She clenched his jacket in her fist and shaking him.
I sighed.
He snaps his head to me and looks at me in anger. “What did you say! Leaving! How dare you be so selfish! Everything we have done for you to be raised up right and give you a good future and you throw it away for what! You tell me right now Seungri what are you throwing away a perfectly good life for!”
I clench my fist and look down, fighting to keep the tears at bay. How could they yell at me like this? Their son who done nothing but follow the path they asked me to. Not even asking if something was wrong with me or if I was unhappy to thin this way. There was no concern for my wellbeing but only theirs and the companies.
I look up composing my face. “Nothing father, I was just teasing mother,” I smiled with trembling lips. “I just haven’t seen her in so long.”
He breathed out a hard breath. He grabbed mother’s hand pushing it away from him and looking at her. Calming her down and telling her that it was okay, and that I was just playing a joke. He walks to me smiling, “You scared your mother and I there boy,” patting me hard on the shoulder.
“Mm, Mianhe.” I shrug off my father’s hand and bow to them. “I will take my leave, I need to get back home and work on some last minute business.”
“Good boy. Get on that, you are the president and you need to show all your employees what hard work and dedication really is.” He smiles at me.
I head to the door with my mother close behind me to bid me goodbye. I turn around to gather my things to leave, which was handed to my mother. Before handing me my possessions she hugs me. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again Seungri. I wouldn’t know what to do if you left the company” Dont you mean you wouldn’t know where the money would go? But I couldn’t tell her that so I just hugged her back, hugging her with all my might.
When we pulled apart I grabbed my stuff and left for home. Driving home my mind was filled with doubts and depression. Maybe everything Jiyong said was right maybe I was scared, to be alone, to know that the love that I thought I was given was just so others could use me.
I arrive home and went into the house. Entering it felt cold, nothing was warm about this place I called a home.
Quickly showering and dressing I head to bed to prepare myself. I decided today was the day I was going to be at peace with everything. There will be no more doubt and no more pain to feel. Everything will just fade.
I grabbed an envelope from my briefcase holding it gently as to no crush it with my overwhelming emotions. I was scared, but who wouldn’t be when you are going to do what I am about to do. I gently lay down the envelope on my bedside table, and pulled out the drawer and grabbed an orange bottle.
I lay down on my bed that was built for two and got myself comfortable. As I was opening the bottle my phone went off. What luck. I debated on whether I should pick it up or not. Grunting I decided to pick up the phone, not even check on who was calling.
“Hello?”
“Seungri? Where are you?” The last person I wanted to hear from said.
“Home jiyong.” I look at the bottle, squeezing it between my hands.
“You don’t sound so good. Should I come over?” Why is it that even when we have arguments and I tell him I won’t leave Seunghyun, he is still comes back to me?
“Because I love you.” I gasped. I searched around me, becoming paranoid thinking he could see me or was somewhere in the room. I hear him chuckle. “You were thinking out loud again Ri.”
That name always got to me. It always had a way of making my heart swell a bit, even on my final day.
“Seungri? What are you talking about?” Jiyong questioned. I could sense his worry so I cut the conversation short.
“Jiyong, sorry but I got to go,” about to hang up I stop myself. This was my final talk to him. My hands shakes in realization, seeing this I grip my hand that was holding my phone and brought it back to the side of my face. “Ji?”
“Yeah I am still here,” and maybe he always will be. “ I didn’t hear the dead tone so I thought you didn’t hang up yet… guess I was right. Ri what’s going on what did you mean final day?”
I choked back a sob trying hard to not break down and tell him everything. “Nothing Ji. Ignore what I just said, but I want to tell you something.” At this point I could feel my tears falling. When did it start forming in the first place? “I… I know I have been selfish keeping you with me, even with Seunghyun hyung still besides me.”
“No, Ri I chose to be with you.”
I shook my head as if he could see me. “No it was still selfish of me. To not have ended it with you so you didn’t fall as deeply as you did for me”
“Pft, someone sounds conceded,” he said amused.
I laughed, even in a serious moment between us; he could still make me laugh and smile. “Jiyong, if I had the power to redo moments in my life, I was start by not letting myself meet Seunghyun hyung. Maybe then I could have been happy.” I looked up to the ceiling trying to stop all the tears from coming down.
“Seungri, you could still be happy now.” I could hear him moving around, probably trying to get his stuff and come to me, like he always does.
“No, my heart was put through too much for there to be anything remaining to give to you.” I clenched chest. “I just wanted you to know… if… If I could have that power, maybe we would have been something.” With those final words said I hung up the phone, hearing his voice calling my name till I ended it.
I opened the bottle and poured the pills into my hand. I should stop hesitating. Looking at them I took a deep breath, forced them down my mouth then sat and wait.
Two second didn’t even pass by before I was breaking down sobbing. Curling myself into a ball, fisting whatever my hand came into contact with and just crying. I was scared. I felt my tears burning my face with it hot and salty sting. I felt my snot running down mixing with my tears onto my lips. I didn’t care at this point, nothing mattered.
Why couldn’t I have been loved? Why couldn’t I be good enough for anyone to just love me with all their heart? Why!
My chest started to hurt more, my breathing started to become more ragged. I knew it was coming. I held myself closer as if trying to meld my body parts into one.
I started to hear a banging sound. I couldn’t tell if it was coming from the front door of the house or my room door, but it didn’t matter I was on my way to peace. The banging got louder and I got dizzier. Soon I couldn’t even hold myself up properly and ended up sprawled on the bed.
The banging stopped after one loud bang, then came noises. Noises I didn’t understand. Where was it coming from? I felt my body float a little bit and warmth on my cheek. It was so warm, was I there already? No, I keep hearing my name being called. I gather what’s left of my strength to focus, and there I saw him.
Seunghyun
The last person I expected. Why was he crying? Did he not read the letter? I left his family mass amounts of money for the damaged I caused, and him with the company, he should be happy. So why, why is he crying.
I forced my hand up, once again caressing his face against my palm. Just like this morning.
“Seunghyun,” I breathed out.
“Seungri!” He cries. His gorgeous face wet with tears. “Why would you do this?!” He held me against his chest his hands rubbing my back, my head resting on his shoulder. He kept yelling about how I was stupid and asking why I would do such a thing.
This was what I wanted all along. This warmth and comfort, too bad it took a situation like this for it to happen.
I looked up at him and smiled. My hand still on his face and I wonder how, till I saw that he was holding it there with his own hand. “Seunghyun,” he looks at me, his tears falling one after another, “Do you love me?”
His eyes widen, his grip tightens and it would have hurt if I still had feeling in my body. His hug tightens.
“Yes! YES! Yes! I love you! I LOVE YOU! So don’t die! Don’t you dare die!” His voice was losing it’s sexy baritone-ness. He was rocking my body back and forth repeating the words “I love you” and “don’t die.” He was begging me to not leave him alone, to come back to him and say it back to him. But I couldn’t.
How long have I waited him to say those three words? The words that would have changed my whole life, made my life bearable. Yet those three words from the start of the relationship to the end still sounded so… empty.
I laughed. This stunned him. He pushed my body away from him, but still holding me in his arms.
“You don’t love me… you never did.” I said in such a weak voice even I was surprised. I didn’t give him a chance to say anything or even to look at his face. I didn’t want to see the pain I have caused him piled on by my death that he had to witness. On the one day I wished him to be disgusted with me and wanting to stay out later to avoid me, he chose to come back early. I didn’t dwell on it I just closed my eyes and let the pills work its dark magic. His voice fades, my body is drained and now, now I am at peace.
Genre: Hurt
Summary: Seungri finds out whether he is loved or no
Seungri P.O.V
“Do you love me?” I ask him as I straddle him.
“I don’t know,” he answers. I sigh this wasn’t the first time I asked him this question, and him replying with the same answer. I look down at him caressing his face against the palm of my hand. I look into his eyes, I wish I could say I saw nothing but love in them, but that was a fool’s wish and I am greatest fool on earth.
Maybe if he just says no to the question for once, I could finally just give up and move on. But I knew that he wouldn’t, he and I both knew what might happen if I do let him go
This relationship from the beginning was never his choice. Coming from a rich background, and running a multimillion dollar company doesn’t help either, mostly when the other was brought into the relationship because of rich company saving his family business. His family business was going under, my father saved it, but in return he was mine.
The ironic part? He was twice as big as me and two times tougher, but here he is under me, laid out like a doll for me to play with. But I don’t want to play with him, I want him to play with me. In a loving way of course To hold me, cuddle me, whisper sweet nothing into my ears that will make me blush and scream at him in embarrassment, but really I love every word he is saying.
I fell in love with him when I first saw him. He came with his family to ask for help from my father. I was still in elementary school when that happened, he was in high school. They personally met with my father at our house. When my father rejected all ideas of assistance from him they ended up on their knees begging, but he merely sighed got up and left. Even when he left they were still there bowed down on their knees hoping he would come back, and he did, but only because I had taken interest in their son. My father made a deal, his help for their son. They quickly agreed, they then went into his office to make up plans and sign paper work, leaving me with him.
He looked at me smiling introducing himself as Seunghyun. I giggled and told him he had the same name as me, he laughed back. Why didn’t I notice how forced those smiles and laughs were back then? I was such an idiot, I actually believed he enjoyed my company all those years. Until one graduation party, where he had stumbled into my room thinking it was his, a girl attached to his waist, confessing all the agony and frustration he went through having to be with me. Going on and on about always saying he cared and loved me but really he only stayed to keep his family afloat, but it would soon end once he had enough money to survive without my help. I believe it was because of their drunken state that they never noticed me or couldn’t remember, but I didn’t care. I never told him I was there, I never told him that I saw him have wild sex with that girl, and more importantly I never told him how hurt I was and that I will let him go. I kept him.
Years later, I was left with running the family business and hyung running his. After finding out his plan I quickly made sure he never left my side. I made his family more in debt to us and made sure he only saw me. We became lovers after I had confessed to him, knowing full well he couldn’t break my heart if he didn’t want to break his family business. He agreed pulling me into a hug and kissed my head, saying he felt the same way. For a second I really thought he was telling the truth, but when I felt him clenching the back of my shirt I mentally slapped myself. He could never love me.
Now we are here, him lying underneath me sweaty from the sex, and me on top of him trying to get any sort of reaction from him. At this this point he has become nothing but a doll, waiting for me to do as I wish. To pull his string whichever way I want. The sex like his care is empty. I quickly roll off of him and head to the shower. Leaving him to do as he please, usually after sex he would go somewhere and won’t come back till morning. My guess, a place to wash my stench away.
I head to the office once I finish showering and eating. My secretary by my side keeping with my pace since I entered, telling me my agenda. I listen to everything attentively all the way up to my office. Once he finishes I shoo him away and proceed to get to work.
In the middle of looking over papers someone knocked on my door. Knowing who it was I didn’t answer, said person barges in, slamming the door behind him and parks himself on the couch in the office waiting to be noticed. I always regret looking up, but today already started off as a bad day, might as well keep it rolling. Looking up at my guest, I see him smiling at me. Sitting causally on the couch, feet propped on my coffee table.
“Hi,” he says in a devilish way, waving me over to him.
I know I shouldn’t but apparently my body doesn’t listen. Soon I am making myself over to him, straddling his lap, his hands explore my back gliding over spine. He pulls me down by my tie, his lips ghosting over mine.
“I missed you,” he whispers licking my lips with his tongue, all I can do is shudder.
“When did you get back jiyong,” I whisper back.
“Does it matter?” He questioned, his hand lowering down to my ass, giving it light squeezes. “I am here now, what do you want to do about it?” He said in a playful manner, and oh does it affect me. Why, why does the words I so badly want to hear come from a man I don’t love.
“Because in reality you really do love me.” I pull back at the statement. He smiles mischievously at me, “You were thinking out loud again Ri.”
I sighed, grabbed his hands pushing them away from my body. “Didn’t realize I was,” I said solemnly.
He watches me get up and walk back towards my desk. “There is a lot of things you don’t realize, but that’s okay I will just tell you so that you realize it. For instance you and Seunh-
“Stop!” I cut him off. I knew where he was going to go with this. It is always like this when we meet up. We flirt, he fucks me till I scream out the wrong name, then we talk but he does most of the talking. “I know what you’re going to say Ji.”
He looks at me hard “Then end it with him. You know what I am going to say? Then end it with him and be with me god dammit!” He rises up from his seat and stomps his way over to me. “Why be with a man you don’t love wh-“
“I love him” I yell, fustrated. He laughs.
“You don’t love him. You own him. You just enjoy the feeling of having the power to own someone, to make them do whatever you want.”
I stare at him, my face emotionless. I turn back to my papers and sit back behind my desk. He scoffs and walks off, heading towards the door. Gripping the doorknob he stops and turns around. “On second thought you don’t enjoy the power, you don’t like owning him. You know what you are Ri? Scared, scared of having the person you care most leaving you the first chance he gets when you ask him the real question. If he is staying for you… or the money.” With that said he left this time slamming the door once again.
Staring at the spot where he once occupied on the couch I sighed and rake my fingers through my hair. This day was all just going to hell wasn’t it.
After hours of paperwork and meetings, I was finally done for the day. Seunghyun called me earlier asking if he needs to be home at a certain time today. Hearing that made my whole body tremble, the fact that he had to ask when to be home or if he needed to be home at a certain time made me want to break out into tears, but I kept it in.
I told him to just not come home at all. I could practically see his confused face when I said that. It was silent between us for a few seconds. He then asked if I was alright. I scoffed, since when did he care for my wellbeing, or was it the fact he was just scared for his family business. Before he could ask anymore questions I hung up the phone.
Before going home I drove to my parents’ house. It’s been a long time since I have seen them. Ever since I took over the company my parents were in their own world, and I wasn’t apart of it.
I entered the house and yelled for my parents. Letting the maids take my bag and jacket. I then saw my mother coming down the stairs, not in any rush to see her son that she practically lost all contact with.
“Seungri honey, what are you doing here? Is something wrong with the company?” Of course she would ask that. There could possibly be no chance of me wanting to just see my own parents.
“No mother, I just wanted to stop by and say hello.” She scrunched up her face in confusion. To her there was no chance in that. She looked to me and just nodded.
“Well then, why don’t we have dinner and maybe talk about how you are doing.” She led me to the dining hall and had me sit at the head of the table while she sat at the other end. I was 5 chairs away from her.
I never knew when the distance between my parents and I had started, but I am guessing it began when I took over the company. The way they see it is, they achieved the goal of their son taking over the company and made it thrive without a hitch, and now they could play and relax all they want knowing full well of their sons’ obedience. All that was left was me to get married have kids and start the process all over again, but that could wait a little longer.
I never hated them for thinking that way they gave me all that I wanted, keeping me happy enough for me to stay on the path of their choosing. It was well planned out, but I bet they weren’t expecting what’s to come.
When the butler came to ask what we would like to eat I simply waved him off. “I am not hungry mother.”
I could tell she was beyond confused. She had told the butler that she had already eaten so she was fine, but she asked for tea for both of us. We sat there in silence till he had brought it out. It’s crazy how we couldn’t even have a normal conversation between mother and son.
“So honey, is there something you need?” She asked while pouring her and me a cup of tea. Instead getting up and giving it to me, or even asking me to come to her and sit next to her, she simply gives the butler the tea set to hand it to me.
I sighed in frustration. I quickly stood up from my chair and sat next to my mother. This surprised her. She watched me as I moved to the seat next to her. She didn’t know what to do, I never acted this way before.
I took her left hand into mine. “Omma, how much do you love me?” This caught her over guard. She looked into my eyes opening and closing her mouth trying to get something out.
“I-I love you a lot honey.” She placed her other hand on top of mine, patting it in reassurance, but it felt far from it.
“So, if I were to give up on the company for some reason you wouldn’t be mad?” I asked her in all seriousness.
She sprung out of her seat, flicking my hands away from her. She stared at me in disbelief. “How could you ask such a thing!” She looked to me in betrayal. “What are you thinking! Haven’t we given you everything?! Toys, games, mansions, trips across the world! And that man!” She gasped, covering her mouth with the palm of her hand. “It’s him who is corrupting your mind isn’t! I should have known that family was no good.”
I shook my head and looked down at the hand that she had not just a minute ago pushed away. Pushed away just because I asked if she would be mad if I wanted to leave the company. I could hear her still ranting about Seunghyun hyung and his family and their “evil deeds” and how they would pay. I got up and held her by the shoulders making her look me in face.
“Omma, I never mentioned Seunghyun hyung, or that I wasn’t greatful for what you and dad has given me, but I just wanted to know if you would still love me if I were to leave the company.” I searched her eyes to see understanding, but still she was confused. All it was, was a simple what if question, and even then she could not tell me straight out that she would still love me. Even if it was a lie, at least she tried.
Just then my father walked it, probably hearing all the yelling and coming down from wherever and investigating. “What is going on?” My mother saw him and bolted straight to him.
“Yeobo, Seungri is talking this nonsense about leaving the company!” She clenched his jacket in her fist and shaking him.
I sighed.
He snaps his head to me and looks at me in anger. “What did you say! Leaving! How dare you be so selfish! Everything we have done for you to be raised up right and give you a good future and you throw it away for what! You tell me right now Seungri what are you throwing away a perfectly good life for!”
I clench my fist and look down, fighting to keep the tears at bay. How could they yell at me like this? Their son who done nothing but follow the path they asked me to. Not even asking if something was wrong with me or if I was unhappy to thin this way. There was no concern for my wellbeing but only theirs and the companies.
I look up composing my face. “Nothing father, I was just teasing mother,” I smiled with trembling lips. “I just haven’t seen her in so long.”
He breathed out a hard breath. He grabbed mother’s hand pushing it away from him and looking at her. Calming her down and telling her that it was okay, and that I was just playing a joke. He walks to me smiling, “You scared your mother and I there boy,” patting me hard on the shoulder.
“Mm, Mianhe.” I shrug off my father’s hand and bow to them. “I will take my leave, I need to get back home and work on some last minute business.”
“Good boy. Get on that, you are the president and you need to show all your employees what hard work and dedication really is.” He smiles at me.
I head to the door with my mother close behind me to bid me goodbye. I turn around to gather my things to leave, which was handed to my mother. Before handing me my possessions she hugs me. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again Seungri. I wouldn’t know what to do if you left the company” Dont you mean you wouldn’t know where the money would go? But I couldn’t tell her that so I just hugged her back, hugging her with all my might.
When we pulled apart I grabbed my stuff and left for home. Driving home my mind was filled with doubts and depression. Maybe everything Jiyong said was right maybe I was scared, to be alone, to know that the love that I thought I was given was just so others could use me.
I arrive home and went into the house. Entering it felt cold, nothing was warm about this place I called a home.
Quickly showering and dressing I head to bed to prepare myself. I decided today was the day I was going to be at peace with everything. There will be no more doubt and no more pain to feel. Everything will just fade.
I grabbed an envelope from my briefcase holding it gently as to no crush it with my overwhelming emotions. I was scared, but who wouldn’t be when you are going to do what I am about to do. I gently lay down the envelope on my bedside table, and pulled out the drawer and grabbed an orange bottle.
I lay down on my bed that was built for two and got myself comfortable. As I was opening the bottle my phone went off. What luck. I debated on whether I should pick it up or not. Grunting I decided to pick up the phone, not even check on who was calling.
“Hello?”
“Seungri? Where are you?” The last person I wanted to hear from said.
“Home jiyong.” I look at the bottle, squeezing it between my hands.
“You don’t sound so good. Should I come over?” Why is it that even when we have arguments and I tell him I won’t leave Seunghyun, he is still comes back to me?
“Because I love you.” I gasped. I searched around me, becoming paranoid thinking he could see me or was somewhere in the room. I hear him chuckle. “You were thinking out loud again Ri.”
That name always got to me. It always had a way of making my heart swell a bit, even on my final day.
“Seungri? What are you talking about?” Jiyong questioned. I could sense his worry so I cut the conversation short.
“Jiyong, sorry but I got to go,” about to hang up I stop myself. This was my final talk to him. My hands shakes in realization, seeing this I grip my hand that was holding my phone and brought it back to the side of my face. “Ji?”
“Yeah I am still here,” and maybe he always will be. “ I didn’t hear the dead tone so I thought you didn’t hang up yet… guess I was right. Ri what’s going on what did you mean final day?”
I choked back a sob trying hard to not break down and tell him everything. “Nothing Ji. Ignore what I just said, but I want to tell you something.” At this point I could feel my tears falling. When did it start forming in the first place? “I… I know I have been selfish keeping you with me, even with Seunghyun hyung still besides me.”
“No, Ri I chose to be with you.”
I shook my head as if he could see me. “No it was still selfish of me. To not have ended it with you so you didn’t fall as deeply as you did for me”
“Pft, someone sounds conceded,” he said amused.
I laughed, even in a serious moment between us; he could still make me laugh and smile. “Jiyong, if I had the power to redo moments in my life, I was start by not letting myself meet Seunghyun hyung. Maybe then I could have been happy.” I looked up to the ceiling trying to stop all the tears from coming down.
“Seungri, you could still be happy now.” I could hear him moving around, probably trying to get his stuff and come to me, like he always does.
“No, my heart was put through too much for there to be anything remaining to give to you.” I clenched chest. “I just wanted you to know… if… If I could have that power, maybe we would have been something.” With those final words said I hung up the phone, hearing his voice calling my name till I ended it.
I opened the bottle and poured the pills into my hand. I should stop hesitating. Looking at them I took a deep breath, forced them down my mouth then sat and wait.
Two second didn’t even pass by before I was breaking down sobbing. Curling myself into a ball, fisting whatever my hand came into contact with and just crying. I was scared. I felt my tears burning my face with it hot and salty sting. I felt my snot running down mixing with my tears onto my lips. I didn’t care at this point, nothing mattered.
Why couldn’t I have been loved? Why couldn’t I be good enough for anyone to just love me with all their heart? Why!
My chest started to hurt more, my breathing started to become more ragged. I knew it was coming. I held myself closer as if trying to meld my body parts into one.
I started to hear a banging sound. I couldn’t tell if it was coming from the front door of the house or my room door, but it didn’t matter I was on my way to peace. The banging got louder and I got dizzier. Soon I couldn’t even hold myself up properly and ended up sprawled on the bed.
The banging stopped after one loud bang, then came noises. Noises I didn’t understand. Where was it coming from? I felt my body float a little bit and warmth on my cheek. It was so warm, was I there already? No, I keep hearing my name being called. I gather what’s left of my strength to focus, and there I saw him.
Seunghyun
The last person I expected. Why was he crying? Did he not read the letter? I left his family mass amounts of money for the damaged I caused, and him with the company, he should be happy. So why, why is he crying.
I forced my hand up, once again caressing his face against my palm. Just like this morning.
“Seunghyun,” I breathed out.
“Seungri!” He cries. His gorgeous face wet with tears. “Why would you do this?!” He held me against his chest his hands rubbing my back, my head resting on his shoulder. He kept yelling about how I was stupid and asking why I would do such a thing.
This was what I wanted all along. This warmth and comfort, too bad it took a situation like this for it to happen.
I looked up at him and smiled. My hand still on his face and I wonder how, till I saw that he was holding it there with his own hand. “Seunghyun,” he looks at me, his tears falling one after another, “Do you love me?”
His eyes widen, his grip tightens and it would have hurt if I still had feeling in my body. His hug tightens.
“Yes! YES! Yes! I love you! I LOVE YOU! So don’t die! Don’t you dare die!” His voice was losing it’s sexy baritone-ness. He was rocking my body back and forth repeating the words “I love you” and “don’t die.” He was begging me to not leave him alone, to come back to him and say it back to him. But I couldn’t.
How long have I waited him to say those three words? The words that would have changed my whole life, made my life bearable. Yet those three words from the start of the relationship to the end still sounded so… empty.
I laughed. This stunned him. He pushed my body away from him, but still holding me in his arms.
“You don’t love me… you never did.” I said in such a weak voice even I was surprised. I didn’t give him a chance to say anything or even to look at his face. I didn’t want to see the pain I have caused him piled on by my death that he had to witness. On the one day I wished him to be disgusted with me and wanting to stay out later to avoid me, he chose to come back early. I didn’t dwell on it I just closed my eyes and let the pills work its dark magic. His voice fades, my body is drained and now, now I am at peace.