My thoughts consume me.
Last night after I got off the phone with Amanda I realized how much I missed talking to her. Like always. I'm slowly letting myself become attached again but a part of me warns that it might be dangerous. To get close to someone again. To some it may appear stupid that I should let one girl change my view on relationships and how to go about approaching them.
I stay inside my head...lock myself away. I feel safe. Secure. Untouchable. I feel I have this pain inside. I feel this leads me not to trust others. I hate being vulnerable,....For some reason I feel I have to show streangth not weakness to the one I truely love. I have grown accustom to this in my past relationships. These have shown me that my vunerability ultimatley will lead to my downfall and back to dispair.
I missed her so much last night. We didn't get to talk much. I hate that.
When I went to visit just recently this summer. I just wanted to be alone with her. Hoping that could repair what we had lost between us. So it could possibly give us ground and bring us closer. She said that she didn't need to be alone with me. But I need it. I get so anxious and I feel threatened by other people.
I think it's because I've been kept inside most of my life....my mother has instilled that fear into me.. She wants me to be independent of others.
Last night I felt that vunerability....love, pain of not being able to be with her. I get that way sometimes. Am I broken I wonder. Should I be feeling the way I do at night. Maybe that's why I like the alchohol. It numbs the pain and knocks me out. Gets me through another night. I like pain. I have many tattoos. But my weakness lies in my heart, where there is alot of pain.
Pretty shitty new entry huh? These are my thoughts that ran through my head the night before.
I miss her so much. I long for love. But pushing my pride aside and letting go of past regrets and pain will be my new test.
I stay inside my head...lock myself away. I feel safe. Secure. Untouchable. I feel I have this pain inside. I feel this leads me not to trust others. I hate being vulnerable,....For some reason I feel I have to show streangth not weakness to the one I truely love. I have grown accustom to this in my past relationships. These have shown me that my vunerability ultimatley will lead to my downfall and back to dispair.
I missed her so much last night. We didn't get to talk much. I hate that.
When I went to visit just recently this summer. I just wanted to be alone with her. Hoping that could repair what we had lost between us. So it could possibly give us ground and bring us closer. She said that she didn't need to be alone with me. But I need it. I get so anxious and I feel threatened by other people.
I think it's because I've been kept inside most of my life....my mother has instilled that fear into me.. She wants me to be independent of others.
Last night I felt that vunerability....love, pain of not being able to be with her. I get that way sometimes. Am I broken I wonder. Should I be feeling the way I do at night. Maybe that's why I like the alchohol. It numbs the pain and knocks me out. Gets me through another night. I like pain. I have many tattoos. But my weakness lies in my heart, where there is alot of pain.
Pretty shitty new entry huh? These are my thoughts that ran through my head the night before.
I miss her so much. I long for love. But pushing my pride aside and letting go of past regrets and pain will be my new test.