Going out of my way to catch the gay ;)
I will be the first to admit that I have a common tendency to fantasize about the world around me. Those fantasies fill the gaps on things I haven't seen or understand (like why some people decide not to use turning signals or break in a regular fashion or pattern /ReachesForGunInGlovebox). In a very real way its like using my imagination instead of reason to guess at whats going on. A couple of years ago I also realized that this tendency wasn't going away anytime soon and that I might as well embrace it if not have some fun with it. I mean hell, if its going to be a fantasy world why not make it a funny or at least entertaining one.
Well, try as I might to avoid admitting how I feel to myself, this path obviously comes with shitty consequences from time to time. See, when I'm doing physical labor out in the middle of god knows where I have a lot of time on my hands to think. Having been gifted with some particularly overwhelming imaginative power and not taking advantage of this time to reason an emotionally troublesome situation I've chosen to fantasize instead. Again, don't get me wrong, the fantasized world rarely interacts with the real one and keeps me if not entertained at least gives me a chance to exercise that imaginative power ("insert a picture of superman shooting laser beams out of his ass" - here -), but I can't deny to myself that even sometimes the imaginative world has deep roots in the real community and is in some way a pale reflection if not the proverbial "nightmare realm" version of it. I have just begun to realize that it is times like these I use that imagination to avoid dealing with myself.
(Considering that I take pride in being honest with myself and others and that I feel like a colossal twat for avoiding my own thoughts and feelings, I would like to point out that I was not consciously avoiding myself. I guess you could say that it might have been a defense mechanism but I feel much more responsible considering I had a chance to throw it aside and instead embraced its pasty white shut-in ass.)
When the fantasy world works, it's fun and a great way to avoid having nothing to do. It heads towards crappy when its sad, depressing, generally emo, and starts to develop its own problems of which I have likewise to deal with. It hits shitty town once I've officially been spending too much time a) being depressed, b) getting worked up over the imaginary problems, and c) start being afraid of the real world. Its when I start loosing track of the real world that my big red warning light goes off, but that usually only happens after it's been made perfectly clear that the fantasy has gone way beyond its scope and I've already devised solutions, but I digress.
So this time I developed a fantasy of my friends relationship with her current boyfriend. I wouldn't be the all American video game shut-in that I am if I weren't to admit that I once wanted badly to date her my own self, and though I have moved beyond that and into a great respect and deep love for her as a friend (much like my other buddy Abe) I also can't shake the realization that, when the going gets tough, I wish I'd be the one she goes to. These thoughts are rare and suck when they appear but they don't compare to actually being around the couple. This sucks particularly hard because they actually are awesome people and are even more awesome together. What sucks here is not really that I wish I was him (which obviously at least a little I wish I was... though on reflection I don't think that dating her would be a good decision and would probably end in bloodshed or tears) but its that they bring me back to high school and make me wish "I" had an amazing relationship.
It's not enough that I'm striving to have a worthwhile relationship and am having trouble finding someone Id actually want to be around, but now here comes this perfect couple who don't go out of their way to woo each other in public every chance they get which makes me all the more jealous. All I'm asking is that they at least act immature or like they hate each other from time to time (<-- that, leeflower, is a joke), but despite the fact they aren't remotely interested in sabotaging themselves they don't look anywhere emotionally near doing it unintentionally.
This also makes me wonder what kinds of parents they had and why we don't have more of those in calli? But again I digress.
What this leaves me with is a sense of pride in my friends for being cool and having a cool relationship, a sense of respect for her for making the right choice, and a sense of overwhelming depression because I don't have it. Screw being jealous of the guy. I'd gladly take being the girl despite having to forcibly catch the gay.
Though I feel I should take this moment to reflect on baring the cup of depression because I haven't run into many (if any) relationships like this and should turn that frown upside down by drinking glee instead. I can also rummage for hope that their being awesome together wakes the rest of the world up into pushing for awesomeness their own selves and then I can stop dreaming of being a teacher who works aggressively hard at leading his students into fitfully crafting their own demises.