Lamentlamentlamentlamentlament
Man, I am in a piss poor mood. My anxiety is starting to get out of hand again. Im starting to worry worse and worse everyday, and starting to do that crappy assuming thing I used to do. Im starting to do that thing when I assume the worst of a person or situation and just take it too far until Im untouchable. My weird nervous habits are coming back.
The good news is that I think Ive found the root of it. I see my children growing up and I know that they are the last Ill have, and want to begin recording them like I should have always done, starting with Gwen. Ive been unprepared- Ive taken phone camera pictures when I should have just had my camera on me all the time. Ive missed out on taking a lot of pics of my precious baby girl and Ill never forgive myself for that. I haven't recorded her on my video camera as much as I should have. I just know that if I get into doing it, Ill get obsessed and it will start to control me, and that kind of thing would kill me if it took me over, especially if I didn't get enough pics one day- Id feel like a bad mother, and I really don't need to feel like that.
Verizon finally merged with Alltel- bye bye, Alltel. You were good to us. Jay got his letter telling him what the fate of his job is- no change. A lot of people would think this is good news. I suppose it is because a lot of people have been let go. Verizon needs him, we just hoped we would end up moving, or SOMETHING. I want to move. Stow is ok, but I need something new. Its a very safe place to be which gives me great comfort, but Im lonely here and there is nothing here that is "me". I want a house. Im sick of living in an apartment and settling for things Id be able to change in my own home. I need a place with a yard for the kids to play in.
Im just in a pissy mood. Bleh.
The good news is that I think Ive found the root of it. I see my children growing up and I know that they are the last Ill have, and want to begin recording them like I should have always done, starting with Gwen. Ive been unprepared- Ive taken phone camera pictures when I should have just had my camera on me all the time. Ive missed out on taking a lot of pics of my precious baby girl and Ill never forgive myself for that. I haven't recorded her on my video camera as much as I should have. I just know that if I get into doing it, Ill get obsessed and it will start to control me, and that kind of thing would kill me if it took me over, especially if I didn't get enough pics one day- Id feel like a bad mother, and I really don't need to feel like that.
Verizon finally merged with Alltel- bye bye, Alltel. You were good to us. Jay got his letter telling him what the fate of his job is- no change. A lot of people would think this is good news. I suppose it is because a lot of people have been let go. Verizon needs him, we just hoped we would end up moving, or SOMETHING. I want to move. Stow is ok, but I need something new. Its a very safe place to be which gives me great comfort, but Im lonely here and there is nothing here that is "me". I want a house. Im sick of living in an apartment and settling for things Id be able to change in my own home. I need a place with a yard for the kids to play in.
Im just in a pissy mood. Bleh.