health update
Had my MRI done, blood test done, new orthopedist appointment done, new psychiatrist appt done. I feel like I've seen such a slew of doctors!
Good news - I don't think I'll need knee surgery! I'll have to start physical therapy asap though...
Also, I started wellbutrin again today.. need to better manage my anxiety and stressors... they lead me to depression. Its a strange feeling -- I've felt it creep back on me, which is frustrating because I thought that for once I may be rid of it. Not so, but at least I recognize it. It makes time seem like infinity.. like I cant remember what it was like to be out of this fog, but I know very well that is just the depression. Depression is such an ugly black hole, and its not me. Its not a part of me, it is just something that happens to me like it happens to a lot of people. I have to keep myself out of that hole.. and keep on until the medications start making it subside and make it easier for me to breathe again, for me to recognize joy again because I know I will.
Its nice to know that I haven't relapsed into ED yet.... I make sure I eat at least 1000 calories a day, because I know my body is still healing, I can't damage it like this again. Yesterday I probably ate closer to 1600-1800. I've stopped counting, and yet I'm still losing. I'm 125, and I was 130 a few weeks ago. Its nice to know that I'm losing it slowly, and that I'm not totally fucking up my body. And I'm not as stressed about it as I was when I was restricting heavily. That takes such a strong toll on the mind.
In other news, I think I talked a girl out of suicide the other day, and that feels so infinitely good to know that the sadness and despair and fight that I made (am still making) to get out of that rut is worth it. Not just to make me stronger, but to tell it to other people. I hope I don't sound too self centered or full of it when I do, but I think its genuine, because it comes from the deepest part of me. Because that was my life, that was my experience. My life was falling apart, and I was on a train about to crash. I stopped it. I pulled back from it... and its made a world of difference.
It is so nice to know that the pain was worth it. For what it does for me, and what it does for others.