Starting Over, Beginning Again
So, I've been thinking about writing again, and thought about reviving this journal. I can only tell you that this is a big deal, and I hope you'll believe me. I kind of got burned out on writing after my failed attempt at being a grad school student The only thing I dearly wish I could change is my user name. The heart part is just fine. I've plenty of that and I've taken to wearing my heart quite proudly on my sleeve. And the zen part is ok too since I do try my very best to live with compassion and empathy and follow (in my own way) the Buddhist path. But I'm not really Zen any more.
I'm noisier messier more passionate more emotional more colorful more weird more inconvenient more mad more complex more loving more everything all because I've been trying to find my real voice this whole past year. And I'm just feeling more and more rebellious and curious and dangerous and impossible as each day goes by. So my real voice just isn't really Zen any more. Zen is indeed lovely and sweet and quiet, but looking back on my experiences at the Zen monastery, I just feel like I'm no longer that austere. In fact, I don't want to austere any more. It seems so constricting and I've been struggling against those constrictions for quite awhile. I finally feel wild and free, like I could run with wind across the great Western expanse and not stop for a single second. (Who's with me?)
So, I feel like I'm not really Zenheart any more. But I don't know what to call myself and it costs $15 to make the change. That's kind of a lot of pressure and I want to find something that's going to fit. If I do find something, I'll make the change.
P.S. Don't get me wrong. I love quiet. I love hearing all the ambient noises that you normally miss out on in this noisy world of ours. I like hearing the crickets chirp and the sound of the rain on the roof and the breeze shifting the branches. And I really love those quiet moments when you're hanging out with a really, really dear friend and you're comfortable enough with each other to share these quiet moments. But I'm just not that quiet any more now that I've made these good-sized strides in finding my voice.
I'm noisier messier more passionate more emotional more colorful more weird more inconvenient more mad more complex more loving more everything all because I've been trying to find my real voice this whole past year. And I'm just feeling more and more rebellious and curious and dangerous and impossible as each day goes by. So my real voice just isn't really Zen any more. Zen is indeed lovely and sweet and quiet, but looking back on my experiences at the Zen monastery, I just feel like I'm no longer that austere. In fact, I don't want to austere any more. It seems so constricting and I've been struggling against those constrictions for quite awhile. I finally feel wild and free, like I could run with wind across the great Western expanse and not stop for a single second. (Who's with me?)
So, I feel like I'm not really Zenheart any more. But I don't know what to call myself and it costs $15 to make the change. That's kind of a lot of pressure and I want to find something that's going to fit. If I do find something, I'll make the change.
P.S. Don't get me wrong. I love quiet. I love hearing all the ambient noises that you normally miss out on in this noisy world of ours. I like hearing the crickets chirp and the sound of the rain on the roof and the breeze shifting the branches. And I really love those quiet moments when you're hanging out with a really, really dear friend and you're comfortable enough with each other to share these quiet moments. But I'm just not that quiet any more now that I've made these good-sized strides in finding my voice.