i made a list of reasons why it would never work
and my bones feel raw on the inside like they've been hollowed out and scraped clean. my head is stuffed full of cotton and knots.
there's workers scheduled to come in the unit to fix my window in a few minutes, maybe it's just the anxiety of having strange men inside my home.
but i know it's not just that. it's the realization i will always be in this holding pattern of getting my hopes up and then crashing when i remember he can't give me what i need.
maybe not even for lack of wanting. but if there is any wanting on his part at all, it's not enough wanting. i'm not special enough to make him want to change enough. i have a feeling if i was really his dream girl i would be enough. but i'm not, so which means i am just an escape fantasy. a silly dream and a pleasant but ultimately unserious distraction. eventually he'll permanently discard me so he can actually commit to his real life.