Thoughts from the basement
Class starts at 2p. I sit in Technopolis, in the basement. I find I have an affinity for underground locals. I feel most productive when there are thousands of tons of concrete and steel over my head waiting to come crashing down, or merely sheltering me from the violent rays of society and sun.
I’m lost, extremely. Songs, people, books, etc. all advise to follow your heart in all things and do what is right for yourself. None of them (that I have found) discuss how it is one goes about finding what one’s heart wants and what feels right. I am torn in several different directions right now, and while the end goal is to be a happy healthy individual, I am still at a loss of which direction to move.
I realize that not only am I a claustrophile in the sense of being encased in a small space, but also in the sense of being enclosed with people. This may sound off, as I profess to be an extrovert, but I have seen my circle of friends consistently go through periods of growth, meeting new people and such, only to see it contract back to the 4-5 people that are closest to me. This is entirely of my own making. I have had many good friendships that no longer exist because I didn’t put effort into them, i.e. phonecalls, playdates and such.
Now the two that consume most of my time, Amy and the good Doctor, conflict with my desires in life. Amy and I are fighting right now, and she may be leaving the country. For sometime, I have felt like I needed to walk on eggshells with her, and now I am uncomfortable in my own skin in her presence.
Dr. McHottie continues to roll me on his emotional rollercoaster. A Virgo he may be, but he acts like a Pisces, and we all know Pisces men are not to be trusted. Today I considered (not for the first time, but the most seriously) ending our relationship, whatever label it may have. It might be that we spent too much time together this weekend. He has this frustrating habit of saying something and going back on it in the same sitting. (i.e. ‘I love you,’ followed by, ‘I don’t love you.’) Also, he says very hurtful things, without realizing they are hurtful.
While in normal situations, this would be an instant red flag preceding the break-off of relations, I feel sorry for him for being so conflicted and also genuinely love him and desire his happiness. The test of this would be if I could accept his happiness if it wasn’t with me. I think I would be able to accept/celebrate that. He has no malice in his actions. He’s not a game-player. He merely has no clue what the fuck he wants in life, and I, as his doting lover, roll with whatever he’s feeling at that moment.
The current plan of action? Spend some time apart from each other, allow sand to settle at the bottom of the jar, and then have a discussion about his behavior with specifics included. (‘When you do this, it makes me feel this way.’) Even if such a healthy dialogue were to occur, it doesn’t mean that our needs will be met on both sides. I foresee this coming to a close soon, which would be best for me, as I need a clean break to get over love. Regardless of the outcome, I’ve learned a lot about myself and about dealing with others.
He also asked if he could read my journal here online. I almost gave him access, but then thought twice. I asked him if he would be able to read the past two years of my life and not judge me. I asked if he could tolerate the full disclosure. He told me he would probably look at me different. I don’t handle being judged well. This journal remains locked to his eyes. Unfortunately, there are those that read this journal that are also in contact with the good Doctor. He may inadvertently find my little niche of the Internet without my guidance.
In other news, I am continuing training for Ft. Lauderdale swim meet in October. Hurricane Ivan seems to have swept west of the city and will be hitting the U.S. at the Florida panhandle. I feel sorry for Tallahassee, but fuck yeah, get away from Ft. Lauderdale.
I’m lost, extremely. Songs, people, books, etc. all advise to follow your heart in all things and do what is right for yourself. None of them (that I have found) discuss how it is one goes about finding what one’s heart wants and what feels right. I am torn in several different directions right now, and while the end goal is to be a happy healthy individual, I am still at a loss of which direction to move.
I realize that not only am I a claustrophile in the sense of being encased in a small space, but also in the sense of being enclosed with people. This may sound off, as I profess to be an extrovert, but I have seen my circle of friends consistently go through periods of growth, meeting new people and such, only to see it contract back to the 4-5 people that are closest to me. This is entirely of my own making. I have had many good friendships that no longer exist because I didn’t put effort into them, i.e. phonecalls, playdates and such.
Now the two that consume most of my time, Amy and the good Doctor, conflict with my desires in life. Amy and I are fighting right now, and she may be leaving the country. For sometime, I have felt like I needed to walk on eggshells with her, and now I am uncomfortable in my own skin in her presence.
Dr. McHottie continues to roll me on his emotional rollercoaster. A Virgo he may be, but he acts like a Pisces, and we all know Pisces men are not to be trusted. Today I considered (not for the first time, but the most seriously) ending our relationship, whatever label it may have. It might be that we spent too much time together this weekend. He has this frustrating habit of saying something and going back on it in the same sitting. (i.e. ‘I love you,’ followed by, ‘I don’t love you.’) Also, he says very hurtful things, without realizing they are hurtful.
While in normal situations, this would be an instant red flag preceding the break-off of relations, I feel sorry for him for being so conflicted and also genuinely love him and desire his happiness. The test of this would be if I could accept his happiness if it wasn’t with me. I think I would be able to accept/celebrate that. He has no malice in his actions. He’s not a game-player. He merely has no clue what the fuck he wants in life, and I, as his doting lover, roll with whatever he’s feeling at that moment.
The current plan of action? Spend some time apart from each other, allow sand to settle at the bottom of the jar, and then have a discussion about his behavior with specifics included. (‘When you do this, it makes me feel this way.’) Even if such a healthy dialogue were to occur, it doesn’t mean that our needs will be met on both sides. I foresee this coming to a close soon, which would be best for me, as I need a clean break to get over love. Regardless of the outcome, I’ve learned a lot about myself and about dealing with others.
He also asked if he could read my journal here online. I almost gave him access, but then thought twice. I asked him if he would be able to read the past two years of my life and not judge me. I asked if he could tolerate the full disclosure. He told me he would probably look at me different. I don’t handle being judged well. This journal remains locked to his eyes. Unfortunately, there are those that read this journal that are also in contact with the good Doctor. He may inadvertently find my little niche of the Internet without my guidance.
In other news, I am continuing training for Ft. Lauderdale swim meet in October. Hurricane Ivan seems to have swept west of the city and will be hitting the U.S. at the Florida panhandle. I feel sorry for Tallahassee, but fuck yeah, get away from Ft. Lauderdale.