Wandering farther...
I wondered (or wandered) just now why it was I was brought to this point in my life, finally starting to be happy for happiness sake, only to start second guessing myself as to the real reasoning behind all of this?
You start down this road and it seems like it sucks you in. I just got over my sort of angsty, self-destructive phase only to move into a manic ultra happy phase with worries about being truly happy or just lying to myself so that I'm in a good mood all the time...and to obsess over how long this could last before a meteor or something equally as random struck me dead.
I'm 34, midlife crisis isn't a completely insane concept at this point. Thing is, I don't give a shit about buying a ferrari, or running off to vegas, or finding some 21 year old, cute piece of ass to fuck. It's just not there. I know those are stereotypical but what else could I want? I don't want my family to go away. So, what's the deal?
I suppose sometimes I hope for a total mental breakdown so that everything would kind of be erased from my brain and I could start over again...again without all the ghosts that seem to haunt me. Suicide is kinda stupid in that, well, I'd be dead and I don't care to be dead. If I'm meant to die, so be it, but I'm certainly not going to help it along. I mean I'm happy...or so I'm told...by myself anyway. So, yeah, mental breakdown, reboot the old brain, new OS install, restore the stuff I need from backup...all's cool.
But am I becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy by saying it out-loud? Am I jinxing myself? Why's it so damned hard to be happy? Why do I feel more like me than I have in a long time and yet less like me as well? I accept change willingly...embrace it even. Stagnation is worse than death. So, why has this change ripped me into 3 pieces? Yes, 3. Me then, Me now, Me somewhen else. I mean I feel like I should be committed just for writing this.
But, I'm happy ya know...at least I think so.
You start down this road and it seems like it sucks you in. I just got over my sort of angsty, self-destructive phase only to move into a manic ultra happy phase with worries about being truly happy or just lying to myself so that I'm in a good mood all the time...and to obsess over how long this could last before a meteor or something equally as random struck me dead.
I'm 34, midlife crisis isn't a completely insane concept at this point. Thing is, I don't give a shit about buying a ferrari, or running off to vegas, or finding some 21 year old, cute piece of ass to fuck. It's just not there. I know those are stereotypical but what else could I want? I don't want my family to go away. So, what's the deal?
I suppose sometimes I hope for a total mental breakdown so that everything would kind of be erased from my brain and I could start over again...again without all the ghosts that seem to haunt me. Suicide is kinda stupid in that, well, I'd be dead and I don't care to be dead. If I'm meant to die, so be it, but I'm certainly not going to help it along. I mean I'm happy...or so I'm told...by myself anyway. So, yeah, mental breakdown, reboot the old brain, new OS install, restore the stuff I need from backup...all's cool.
But am I becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy by saying it out-loud? Am I jinxing myself? Why's it so damned hard to be happy? Why do I feel more like me than I have in a long time and yet less like me as well? I accept change willingly...embrace it even. Stagnation is worse than death. So, why has this change ripped me into 3 pieces? Yes, 3. Me then, Me now, Me somewhen else. I mean I feel like I should be committed just for writing this.
But, I'm happy ya know...at least I think so.