Complicated
I've had a pretty good day I guess. Some highs and some lows. Around 9.30am I heard a knock on my door, and it was my brother's girlfriend, Rachel, telling me there was a phone call for me. So I was kinda worried because I'm thinking I'm going to have to hang up on this person *sighs*, because well, when I was 18 or 19, I ran up a $1600 phone bill. Most stupid thing I have ever done. The guy I was ringing at the time was my boyfriend and he dumped me anyway, so I guess I kind of got what I deserved. It's taught me to be careful about who I ring and how much time I spend on the phone for. Like don't get me wrong, even an 4 hour phone call, which I've had a on a few occasions (hey, time gets away from you on there), have been absolutely nothing to pay. But I must've called every single day for about a month or two. It's one of the biggest regrets I have today.
But anyway, back to the phone call. It wasn't a credit company but actually about my seminar that takes place on the 14th, that I'm really not sure if I'm even going to be able to get there. So I said I'd be there, thinking I could somehow drive my car in. Afterward I spent some time with my niece Madison who is super cute. She's so cheeky though, she gets into everything. Fridges, toys, grease traps XD That kid is just a magnet for trouble. And she's only 18-months-old. But she's so adorable. When she smiles her face just lights up. She adores my brother (her dad). She's all like, "Dadee, dadee!" But my brother is a real prat to her. I know he loves her in his own way, but the kid flat out adores him. *Shakes head sadly* I can't understand how my brother turned out the way he did. Being around all the things we saw when we were kids, you'd think he'd appreciate what he has in front of him. But he uses both Rachel and Madison, by staying with them and not paying a cent towards rent nor any other bills. And he doesn't love Rachel. He's only with her now cause he's getting things so easy. And now baby 2 is on the way. Bleah. When Maddy ran into him, she was so excited! Seriously it was like Christmas had come early for one special little girl. But he just shrugged it off and went back to sleep. It was so heartbreaking for me to watch.
After they left I came online for a while, cause Joe was leaving. He apologised for falling asleep on me last night, and we talked for a while before I asked him questions about his girlfriend who he's taking a break from. He still is really into her, but her ex-boyfriend is apparently really untrustworthy in many ways that I won't put here. But I tried telling him that he was dating the girlfriend, not the ex-boyfriend. I don't know if he'll listen to me. He said he'll talk to her adult-to-adult, so hopefully they work it out.
During that, Jay and I had what I thought was going to be the last discussion. I mean, there's no hope for us that I can see at this point. He gets mad at me for talking to my friends when he's online, and then makes me feel like I have to choose. I feel like he doesn't listen to me either. He doesn't, not really. And it frustrates the hell out of me. But I feel like I'm always trying my hardest. I want everyone to be happy, but it's making me totally miserable. I thought maybe if he could just work it out for himself, that I'm not the one, then I wouldn't have to let him down. That I wouldn't have to hurt him. People keep telling me just tell him, but it's really hard. I'm not even sure what to tell him. Cause underneath it all there's a nice guy. But I'm just not out there like he is. I'm reserved, and I don't have a problem with it. I get the questions all the time. "What happens if you die and you never experience it?" What will it matter? I'm dead, I'm not going to spend the whole of eternity thinking, "Damn, why oh why didn't I jump into bed with that guy?" I'm dust, it's over, life for me is non-existent. Besides if I did have a chance to think after death, I'd be more worried about my family (cats and dogs included) than about how I didn't get a chance to lose my virginity.
But after that, the world kept moving. 'Til of course, David decided he felt sorry for Jay because he understood his loneliness. I understand his loneliness too, but I still believe what he did was totally wrong. But with David saying that, then it of course felt like someone had slapped me fair across the face. Like I tell Jay time and time again that I don't like that sort of touching, or that I want to take things slow and he just doesn't listen. I mean I've got four windows open at the time, one's telling me he's in completely and utterly in love me after seven short days (and not even complete ones at that), another is telling me to add him to the convo so he can tell Jay to stop the mindgames, and the other one is feeling sympathy to Jay. It's like I have three different extremes. It's just while all this was going on, I didn't need someone to see the grey areas. I needed someone to be there for me, someone to be BY my side. Because I did something wrong, and the fact that David sat there and told me, "I'm not taking sides," meant that there were sides to consider. When it was as easy as someone acknowledging that someone else did something wrong, and that it just wasn't right. There was no comparison between the two parties, because Jay did something wrong and I can say with absolute conviction that I was the innocent party. Is this really so hard to comprehend? IF it had been a different situation and I had had a guilty hand in it, then yes, I could understand that David wouldn't want to take sides. But it wasn't. It was this situation. I had done nothing to encourage it, everything to dissuade it. You know the funny thing was that I asked Jay the question later on when he finally did talk to me, and he agreed with me. How's that for irony?
Don't get me wrong. I don't dislike Jay in any way. I just want him to respect me as a person and respect my wishes. That's all there is to it. We talked tonight though, an almost complete conversation but it took some time for him to understand that I really didn't want to be touched.
I get the feeling something is going to go bad soon. I won't be surprised if I lose a friend or two in whatever it is I can sense. But it'll be okay because I'm a strong person, and I've dealt with the shit hitting the fan on many an occasion. Only this time I'm older and wiser, so there'll be less of a mess for me to clean up.
Well I think it's time for this 'ol girl to get some shut eye.
<3 Zemphy
But anyway, back to the phone call. It wasn't a credit company but actually about my seminar that takes place on the 14th, that I'm really not sure if I'm even going to be able to get there. So I said I'd be there, thinking I could somehow drive my car in. Afterward I spent some time with my niece Madison who is super cute. She's so cheeky though, she gets into everything. Fridges, toys, grease traps XD That kid is just a magnet for trouble. And she's only 18-months-old. But she's so adorable. When she smiles her face just lights up. She adores my brother (her dad). She's all like, "Dadee, dadee!" But my brother is a real prat to her. I know he loves her in his own way, but the kid flat out adores him. *Shakes head sadly* I can't understand how my brother turned out the way he did. Being around all the things we saw when we were kids, you'd think he'd appreciate what he has in front of him. But he uses both Rachel and Madison, by staying with them and not paying a cent towards rent nor any other bills. And he doesn't love Rachel. He's only with her now cause he's getting things so easy. And now baby 2 is on the way. Bleah. When Maddy ran into him, she was so excited! Seriously it was like Christmas had come early for one special little girl. But he just shrugged it off and went back to sleep. It was so heartbreaking for me to watch.
After they left I came online for a while, cause Joe was leaving. He apologised for falling asleep on me last night, and we talked for a while before I asked him questions about his girlfriend who he's taking a break from. He still is really into her, but her ex-boyfriend is apparently really untrustworthy in many ways that I won't put here. But I tried telling him that he was dating the girlfriend, not the ex-boyfriend. I don't know if he'll listen to me. He said he'll talk to her adult-to-adult, so hopefully they work it out.
During that, Jay and I had what I thought was going to be the last discussion. I mean, there's no hope for us that I can see at this point. He gets mad at me for talking to my friends when he's online, and then makes me feel like I have to choose. I feel like he doesn't listen to me either. He doesn't, not really. And it frustrates the hell out of me. But I feel like I'm always trying my hardest. I want everyone to be happy, but it's making me totally miserable. I thought maybe if he could just work it out for himself, that I'm not the one, then I wouldn't have to let him down. That I wouldn't have to hurt him. People keep telling me just tell him, but it's really hard. I'm not even sure what to tell him. Cause underneath it all there's a nice guy. But I'm just not out there like he is. I'm reserved, and I don't have a problem with it. I get the questions all the time. "What happens if you die and you never experience it?" What will it matter? I'm dead, I'm not going to spend the whole of eternity thinking, "Damn, why oh why didn't I jump into bed with that guy?" I'm dust, it's over, life for me is non-existent. Besides if I did have a chance to think after death, I'd be more worried about my family (cats and dogs included) than about how I didn't get a chance to lose my virginity.
But after that, the world kept moving. 'Til of course, David decided he felt sorry for Jay because he understood his loneliness. I understand his loneliness too, but I still believe what he did was totally wrong. But with David saying that, then it of course felt like someone had slapped me fair across the face. Like I tell Jay time and time again that I don't like that sort of touching, or that I want to take things slow and he just doesn't listen. I mean I've got four windows open at the time, one's telling me he's in completely and utterly in love me after seven short days (and not even complete ones at that), another is telling me to add him to the convo so he can tell Jay to stop the mindgames, and the other one is feeling sympathy to Jay. It's like I have three different extremes. It's just while all this was going on, I didn't need someone to see the grey areas. I needed someone to be there for me, someone to be BY my side. Because I did something wrong, and the fact that David sat there and told me, "I'm not taking sides," meant that there were sides to consider. When it was as easy as someone acknowledging that someone else did something wrong, and that it just wasn't right. There was no comparison between the two parties, because Jay did something wrong and I can say with absolute conviction that I was the innocent party. Is this really so hard to comprehend? IF it had been a different situation and I had had a guilty hand in it, then yes, I could understand that David wouldn't want to take sides. But it wasn't. It was this situation. I had done nothing to encourage it, everything to dissuade it. You know the funny thing was that I asked Jay the question later on when he finally did talk to me, and he agreed with me. How's that for irony?
Don't get me wrong. I don't dislike Jay in any way. I just want him to respect me as a person and respect my wishes. That's all there is to it. We talked tonight though, an almost complete conversation but it took some time for him to understand that I really didn't want to be touched.
I get the feeling something is going to go bad soon. I won't be surprised if I lose a friend or two in whatever it is I can sense. But it'll be okay because I'm a strong person, and I've dealt with the shit hitting the fan on many an occasion. Only this time I'm older and wiser, so there'll be less of a mess for me to clean up.
Well I think it's time for this 'ol girl to get some shut eye.
<3 Zemphy