new fandom horizons??
So, I've had an epiphany, if you will, since I started going to church again recently - I really should stop immersing myself in the darkness of monsters and demons and codependency, and start focusing on the real message of salvation in Supernatural fandom: heaven and the angels. And I just don't know if I can work on such a dark and morally twisted work like Sam/Dean for spn_j2_bigbang. It's going to be really difficult for me to grow closer to God if I'm focusing on something that is like really obviously sinful, right? I think a more fitting pairing for my feelings would be Dean/Castiel. The Righteous Man thing, obviously, is such a big part of Dean's characterization and the fact that Castiel put his hand on his shoulder and marked him for God is a characterization point I've been ignoring for too long. I never wanted to explore their profound bond before, but I'm sort of having a born-again experience, and I really think that means immersing myself in fandom's most profound relationship between the holy and the human.
Since I can't manage to shake Sam as my favorite character, I wanted to get into this pairing the way he might get into it - so I'm trying to work through it in fic. Let me know what you think? I'm kind of new to this.
(set in current canon - post 8.18)
"Castiel," Sam says, as the bartender brings them their beers, "I wanted to talk to you about Dean."
Castiel looks immediately uncomfortable. Even more uncomfortable than he already looked, awkwardly perched upright on a bar stool, glancing occasionally at the other patrons, wrinkling his nose at the bar smells. "I suspected there might be some reason you were without Dean's company. Did you want to berate me for the danger I put your brother in? Do you mean to interrogate me?" He keeps squinting at the crowd.
"Um, no. I really don't, Cas. And thank you for hearing me out."
"Please, be quick. This place is not warded."
"Yeah, of course. Uh." Sam sips his beer, because this is a kind of awkward conversation for him to have. "Sure. I just... Dean doesn't have a lot of friends, or normal things in his life at all... You've been good for him."
Castiel looks at Sam intently, frowning. "Good? I nearly killed your brother, Sam."
Sam chokes a little on his drink, but perseveres. "But you didn't want to, right? You managed to stop! And then you healed him! It must have taken a lot of... love to do that."
Castiel doesn't look surprised, and Sam wishes this guy weren't so hard to read sometimes. He wants it to be a point for his theory. "Love? I suppose... Maybe you could tell me in Greek. It would be more precise."
Sam frowns. "I don't think we have time for that. I just wanted you to know, if I don't end up closing hell, I mean if I die doing these trials, you two should... keep each other company. Enjoy what time you can have together. I want to give you my blessing."
"I don't understand why this is about Dean and me. Or why I should be entertaining your defeatism."
"Not defeatism, Cas, just... you could destroy the angel tablet, even, if you had to. I mean, if I'm dead, I can't really say anything about it. But think about what's important in life. Drive in movies and, uh, little gifts, and star watching, and - I guess you're not that into food... But you should try it. Maybe you both like pie. You probably like pie, and, uh, other stuff." Sam turns red and coughs. "In fact, hell, grab the opportunity as soon as you can - don't wait for me to kick the bucket."
Castiel sighs and closes his eyes. Sam, as often, feels somewhat foolish, but also concerned, because Castiel looks very tired.
"Samuel." Cas stares at Sam and pauses for effect. Sam gulps. "I have no time to coach you or Dean on your low self-worth. I thought that you had come to greater peace than this, after I absorbed your psychic trauma. Are you and Dean unhappy?"
"What? I mean, we're fine as ever, you know us. Except, I mean, Dean won't talk about it - he's really upset about what happened - but I think his feelings are hurt more than anything." Sam sees Castiel's expression shift. He looks like he feels really bad about it. Maybe this isn't going the way Sam wanted it to. "I think you should go talk to him," he says compassionately.
Castiel looks skeptical. "Maybe. I doubt he'd be happy to see me. I think it would strain our friendship."
"Tension - yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Cas, please, just trust me. He'd be really glad to see you."
Cas is still frowning. It is sort of his default expression.
Maybe this will go better with Dean.
--
Sam didn't know why he thought this would go better with Dean.
"You want me and Cas to... spend time together? What, like family bonding time? Bring your angel to work day?"
"I just think you two really deserve to be happy together! You need someone to look out for you."
"Not to give you a big head or anything, but you do a good enough job of that."
"Emotionally, though?"
"Look, Samantha, I realize you want to tenderly coddle my feelings. Hell, maybe this is just you nesting."
"It's not - I'm not nesting! Life's short, Dean. Spend it with the people you love."
Dean rolls his eyes but sam can see he's hurting. Sam knows Dean. "Life's short? Is this about the trials? I'm not in your will, Sam. You know, fuck that."
"Dean - is it too much to hear that you deserve to be happy?" Sam pleads with his eyes as Dean looks over his shoulder on his way storming out the door.
Dean sags. Sam aches. He just wants to hold his brother but knows, he's not the one Dean needs. Dean needs someone who will be there for him, stronger than him. Not someone he needs to be strong for.
"I only deserve what I stick my neck out for, Sam. And since when has that gotten me anything but my head on the chopping block."
Tears spring to Sam's eyes as Dean leaves the room.
-
"Castiel?" Sam prays. "Dean's hurting and I think you can fix it. I know it only kills him to see me in pain like this." He coughs blood into a kleenex. "He needs someone he can be happy around. Someone who doesn't bring him down."
"Sam," Castiel says, appearing by his bed. Sam jumps.
"Cas!"
"I'm surprised you haven't put sigils on this bunker."
"Well, we don't mean to keep you out. While you're still you."
"I am." Castiel sighs. "God's word has allowed me to escape Naomi's control." He still holds the angel tablet. Sam feels nervous just looking at it, knowing how volatile it makes Castiel. He doesn't want Terminator Cas to make a reappearance.
"Wow," Sam says. "And... and Dean too, right?"
Castiel tilts his head. Just like old Cas. "Perhaps." He looks confused, and concerned. "Sam, I don't understand your insistence on the relationship between Dean and -"
"I want you two to kiss and make up, all right?"
Cas freezes. "I am not sure that... that is what Dean wants."
"Don't be afraid, Cas. I can tell he does. I know things have been rough but I still believe in you."
"Have you in fact spoken to Dean about this?"
"No, but I know him better than anyone. Dean would have a hard time admitting to me that he's attracted to men."
"I'm an angel, not a man."
"Well, people with male bodies. Like yours." Sam gestures at Castiel. Castiel looks down at his chest.
"Are you saying Dean is... physically excited by my vessel?"
"It's not your vessel, Cas. It's you." Sam feels gross talking about Jimmy Novak in this context. But he supposes Jimmy's mind and body have been violated in worse ways than some gay sex. "Dean just wants someone to settle down with."
"He seems settled here."
"This isn't... the same. As what he wants from you."
"Hmm." Then Castiel vanishes, before Sam can say anything else.
Sam thinks that went okay.
-
They're washing dishes in the kitchen when Cas pops in right next to Dean. Dean jumps about a mile, yells "Cas!" and then stares at Castiel, eyes wide. Castiel stares back from eight inches away.
They stare at each other in tense silence and Sam thinks, Yes. This is how it should be.
Then, suddenly, without a word, Castiel takes Dean's face in his hands and kisses him on the mouth. Dean raises his arms and makes "mmf!" noises and just as he begins to push Cas away, Cas pulls back. Dean has his hands held up between them and is staring, mouth open.
"These sentiments are from your brother Sam," says Castiel, "who charged me to deliver them. And, Sam." Castiel turns his fierce gaze to Sam. "You should know that Dean reciprocates your concerns. Now," Castiel glares at both of them, "will you stop praying to me all the time? It's extremely distracting and dangerous to the Word. I'm supposed to be in hiding."
Then he vanishes.
Sam and Dean stare at each other.
"F -from you? What the hell was that?" Dean wipes at his mouth and stares at his hand, like he's going to see lipstick or ectoplasm there.
Sam shrugs, hands out to appease. "I told him that you guys should kiss and make up. Look, dude, I'm sorry, I didn't know he was going to - well I hoped - but I woulda given you some space, of course, and time to yourselves. In fact, I can clear out now, if you want him to hide out here, that way you can -"
Dean looks nauseated. "You want Cas and me to shack up and make out? What the hell is wrong with you?"
Sam winces. "You wouldn't have taken me seriously if I told you."
"You're a shitty wingman, Sam. Told me what?"
"That you and Castiel deserve each other!"
"Ouch."
"And you should stop feeling angry and betrayed, and just enjoy each other."
Dean shudders. "Sam. What happened to spending the time you have left with the people you love?"
"That's different. You just have a pathological need to protect me from childhood."
Dean hits Sam upside the head with his open hand.
"Ow!"
Dean hits him up the other side of his head. "You are so -" Thud on his shoulder - "full of shit" - Dean takes Sam's shoulders and shakes him. "Listen, asshole! You think I wanna replace you with Cas? I had, like, fifty chances to ditch your ass and shack up with him, you realize that? You could be living with Amelia right now, except I'm a selfish bastard!"
"No," Sam says gently. "You're not selfish. You don't ask anything for yourself, Dean. But you have Cas. I'm pretty sure your feelings for him are more than brotherly."
"You're pretty sure what?"
"All the signs are there! How close he stands to you!"
"That's hilarious, Sam."
"How you guys stare at each other!"
"You ever try having a conversation with the guy?"
"And I've known for years that all your acting butch was just overcompensating!"
"Whoa now, that's -"
"And you're sexually submissive to assertive women -"
"What the fuck are you talking about?? Jesus, Sam, what got you so goofy?" Dean stares at Sam. Sam is waiting for Dean to let his shoulders go. "Fucking idiot, I'll show YOU signs."
He kisses Sam.
On the mouth.
"There." Dean steps back, looks Sam in the eye. His face is redder than a fire engine.
Sam's jaw is hanging slack, then he closes it, twists his mouth up. "Was that supposed to refute my point?"
Dean gapes. "How does that not refute your point?"
"I kinda figured you'd deny your homosexuality and -"
"Whoa, Sam, no no no," and Dean kisses him again. He's still holding Sam's shoulders.
Sam's letting him. At least it's not hitting. "Is that supposed to gross me out so I want to move out?" His heart is beating really fast and where his stomach was sinking before, now it's kind of full of butterflies.
"Sorry," Dean says. "No. Shit. Just trying to... life's short, yeah? So I'm, uh, taking my chances. Sticking my neck out."
Sam touches his mouth, and considers how that was pretty good. "You wanna run that by me again?"
"What?"
"Lay one on me, just one more. I barely had time to process that."
"You need time to incorporate your new findings into this theory, huh?"
"Yeah, exactly."
The corners of Dean's lips twitch up, and kisses Sam again.
-
Hmmm. This might need a little work.
This entry was originally posted at http://zempasuchil.dreamwidth.org/280055.html.
Since I can't manage to shake Sam as my favorite character, I wanted to get into this pairing the way he might get into it - so I'm trying to work through it in fic. Let me know what you think? I'm kind of new to this.
(set in current canon - post 8.18)
"Castiel," Sam says, as the bartender brings them their beers, "I wanted to talk to you about Dean."
Castiel looks immediately uncomfortable. Even more uncomfortable than he already looked, awkwardly perched upright on a bar stool, glancing occasionally at the other patrons, wrinkling his nose at the bar smells. "I suspected there might be some reason you were without Dean's company. Did you want to berate me for the danger I put your brother in? Do you mean to interrogate me?" He keeps squinting at the crowd.
"Um, no. I really don't, Cas. And thank you for hearing me out."
"Please, be quick. This place is not warded."
"Yeah, of course. Uh." Sam sips his beer, because this is a kind of awkward conversation for him to have. "Sure. I just... Dean doesn't have a lot of friends, or normal things in his life at all... You've been good for him."
Castiel looks at Sam intently, frowning. "Good? I nearly killed your brother, Sam."
Sam chokes a little on his drink, but perseveres. "But you didn't want to, right? You managed to stop! And then you healed him! It must have taken a lot of... love to do that."
Castiel doesn't look surprised, and Sam wishes this guy weren't so hard to read sometimes. He wants it to be a point for his theory. "Love? I suppose... Maybe you could tell me in Greek. It would be more precise."
Sam frowns. "I don't think we have time for that. I just wanted you to know, if I don't end up closing hell, I mean if I die doing these trials, you two should... keep each other company. Enjoy what time you can have together. I want to give you my blessing."
"I don't understand why this is about Dean and me. Or why I should be entertaining your defeatism."
"Not defeatism, Cas, just... you could destroy the angel tablet, even, if you had to. I mean, if I'm dead, I can't really say anything about it. But think about what's important in life. Drive in movies and, uh, little gifts, and star watching, and - I guess you're not that into food... But you should try it. Maybe you both like pie. You probably like pie, and, uh, other stuff." Sam turns red and coughs. "In fact, hell, grab the opportunity as soon as you can - don't wait for me to kick the bucket."
Castiel sighs and closes his eyes. Sam, as often, feels somewhat foolish, but also concerned, because Castiel looks very tired.
"Samuel." Cas stares at Sam and pauses for effect. Sam gulps. "I have no time to coach you or Dean on your low self-worth. I thought that you had come to greater peace than this, after I absorbed your psychic trauma. Are you and Dean unhappy?"
"What? I mean, we're fine as ever, you know us. Except, I mean, Dean won't talk about it - he's really upset about what happened - but I think his feelings are hurt more than anything." Sam sees Castiel's expression shift. He looks like he feels really bad about it. Maybe this isn't going the way Sam wanted it to. "I think you should go talk to him," he says compassionately.
Castiel looks skeptical. "Maybe. I doubt he'd be happy to see me. I think it would strain our friendship."
"Tension - yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Cas, please, just trust me. He'd be really glad to see you."
Cas is still frowning. It is sort of his default expression.
Maybe this will go better with Dean.
--
Sam didn't know why he thought this would go better with Dean.
"You want me and Cas to... spend time together? What, like family bonding time? Bring your angel to work day?"
"I just think you two really deserve to be happy together! You need someone to look out for you."
"Not to give you a big head or anything, but you do a good enough job of that."
"Emotionally, though?"
"Look, Samantha, I realize you want to tenderly coddle my feelings. Hell, maybe this is just you nesting."
"It's not - I'm not nesting! Life's short, Dean. Spend it with the people you love."
Dean rolls his eyes but sam can see he's hurting. Sam knows Dean. "Life's short? Is this about the trials? I'm not in your will, Sam. You know, fuck that."
"Dean - is it too much to hear that you deserve to be happy?" Sam pleads with his eyes as Dean looks over his shoulder on his way storming out the door.
Dean sags. Sam aches. He just wants to hold his brother but knows, he's not the one Dean needs. Dean needs someone who will be there for him, stronger than him. Not someone he needs to be strong for.
"I only deserve what I stick my neck out for, Sam. And since when has that gotten me anything but my head on the chopping block."
Tears spring to Sam's eyes as Dean leaves the room.
-
"Castiel?" Sam prays. "Dean's hurting and I think you can fix it. I know it only kills him to see me in pain like this." He coughs blood into a kleenex. "He needs someone he can be happy around. Someone who doesn't bring him down."
"Sam," Castiel says, appearing by his bed. Sam jumps.
"Cas!"
"I'm surprised you haven't put sigils on this bunker."
"Well, we don't mean to keep you out. While you're still you."
"I am." Castiel sighs. "God's word has allowed me to escape Naomi's control." He still holds the angel tablet. Sam feels nervous just looking at it, knowing how volatile it makes Castiel. He doesn't want Terminator Cas to make a reappearance.
"Wow," Sam says. "And... and Dean too, right?"
Castiel tilts his head. Just like old Cas. "Perhaps." He looks confused, and concerned. "Sam, I don't understand your insistence on the relationship between Dean and -"
"I want you two to kiss and make up, all right?"
Cas freezes. "I am not sure that... that is what Dean wants."
"Don't be afraid, Cas. I can tell he does. I know things have been rough but I still believe in you."
"Have you in fact spoken to Dean about this?"
"No, but I know him better than anyone. Dean would have a hard time admitting to me that he's attracted to men."
"I'm an angel, not a man."
"Well, people with male bodies. Like yours." Sam gestures at Castiel. Castiel looks down at his chest.
"Are you saying Dean is... physically excited by my vessel?"
"It's not your vessel, Cas. It's you." Sam feels gross talking about Jimmy Novak in this context. But he supposes Jimmy's mind and body have been violated in worse ways than some gay sex. "Dean just wants someone to settle down with."
"He seems settled here."
"This isn't... the same. As what he wants from you."
"Hmm." Then Castiel vanishes, before Sam can say anything else.
Sam thinks that went okay.
-
They're washing dishes in the kitchen when Cas pops in right next to Dean. Dean jumps about a mile, yells "Cas!" and then stares at Castiel, eyes wide. Castiel stares back from eight inches away.
They stare at each other in tense silence and Sam thinks, Yes. This is how it should be.
Then, suddenly, without a word, Castiel takes Dean's face in his hands and kisses him on the mouth. Dean raises his arms and makes "mmf!" noises and just as he begins to push Cas away, Cas pulls back. Dean has his hands held up between them and is staring, mouth open.
"These sentiments are from your brother Sam," says Castiel, "who charged me to deliver them. And, Sam." Castiel turns his fierce gaze to Sam. "You should know that Dean reciprocates your concerns. Now," Castiel glares at both of them, "will you stop praying to me all the time? It's extremely distracting and dangerous to the Word. I'm supposed to be in hiding."
Then he vanishes.
Sam and Dean stare at each other.
"F -from you? What the hell was that?" Dean wipes at his mouth and stares at his hand, like he's going to see lipstick or ectoplasm there.
Sam shrugs, hands out to appease. "I told him that you guys should kiss and make up. Look, dude, I'm sorry, I didn't know he was going to - well I hoped - but I woulda given you some space, of course, and time to yourselves. In fact, I can clear out now, if you want him to hide out here, that way you can -"
Dean looks nauseated. "You want Cas and me to shack up and make out? What the hell is wrong with you?"
Sam winces. "You wouldn't have taken me seriously if I told you."
"You're a shitty wingman, Sam. Told me what?"
"That you and Castiel deserve each other!"
"Ouch."
"And you should stop feeling angry and betrayed, and just enjoy each other."
Dean shudders. "Sam. What happened to spending the time you have left with the people you love?"
"That's different. You just have a pathological need to protect me from childhood."
Dean hits Sam upside the head with his open hand.
"Ow!"
Dean hits him up the other side of his head. "You are so -" Thud on his shoulder - "full of shit" - Dean takes Sam's shoulders and shakes him. "Listen, asshole! You think I wanna replace you with Cas? I had, like, fifty chances to ditch your ass and shack up with him, you realize that? You could be living with Amelia right now, except I'm a selfish bastard!"
"No," Sam says gently. "You're not selfish. You don't ask anything for yourself, Dean. But you have Cas. I'm pretty sure your feelings for him are more than brotherly."
"You're pretty sure what?"
"All the signs are there! How close he stands to you!"
"That's hilarious, Sam."
"How you guys stare at each other!"
"You ever try having a conversation with the guy?"
"And I've known for years that all your acting butch was just overcompensating!"
"Whoa now, that's -"
"And you're sexually submissive to assertive women -"
"What the fuck are you talking about?? Jesus, Sam, what got you so goofy?" Dean stares at Sam. Sam is waiting for Dean to let his shoulders go. "Fucking idiot, I'll show YOU signs."
He kisses Sam.
On the mouth.
"There." Dean steps back, looks Sam in the eye. His face is redder than a fire engine.
Sam's jaw is hanging slack, then he closes it, twists his mouth up. "Was that supposed to refute my point?"
Dean gapes. "How does that not refute your point?"
"I kinda figured you'd deny your homosexuality and -"
"Whoa, Sam, no no no," and Dean kisses him again. He's still holding Sam's shoulders.
Sam's letting him. At least it's not hitting. "Is that supposed to gross me out so I want to move out?" His heart is beating really fast and where his stomach was sinking before, now it's kind of full of butterflies.
"Sorry," Dean says. "No. Shit. Just trying to... life's short, yeah? So I'm, uh, taking my chances. Sticking my neck out."
Sam touches his mouth, and considers how that was pretty good. "You wanna run that by me again?"
"What?"
"Lay one on me, just one more. I barely had time to process that."
"You need time to incorporate your new findings into this theory, huh?"
"Yeah, exactly."
The corners of Dean's lips twitch up, and kisses Sam again.
-
Hmmm. This might need a little work.
This entry was originally posted at http://zempasuchil.dreamwidth.org/280055.html.