Snow, snow, snow.
Note to self - it helps to actually look outside before leaving the apartment to determine current weather conditions.
Since it was snowing and ever so gray outside, I am reminded of a song, which I feel is appropriate for this moment in my life.
Il pleure dans mon coeur..............................There is weeping in my heart
Comme il pleut sur la ville...........................like the rain falling on the town.
Quelle est cette langueur.............................What is this languor
Qui pénètre mon coeur?................................that pervades my heart?
O bruit doux de la pluie,.............................Oh the patter of the rain
Par terre et sur les toits!...........................on the ground and the roofs!
Pour un coeur qui s'ennuie,...........................For a heart growing weary
O le bruit de la pluie!...............................oh the song of the rain!
Il pleure sans raison.................................There is weeping without cause
Dans ce coeur qui s'écoeure...........................in this disheartened heart.
Quoi! nulle trahison?.................................What! No betrayal?
Ce deuil est sans raison..............................There's no reason for this grief.
C'est bien la pire peine,.............................Truly the worst pain
De ne savoir pourquoi,................................is not knowing why,
Sans amour et sans haine,.............................without love or hatred,
Mon coeur a tant de peine.............................my heart feels so much pain.
Verlaine knew best, for he of anyone suffered the fate of a broken heart. Why this poem hits me is because I think that there is no reason for my grief. I have no reason to feel broken hearted because I guarded my heart and never let it love. I protected myself, I think. I think I never loved. It is the worst pain, knowing that you have no reason to feel pain or grieve for something that you never had and never gave. There was no betrayal because you were the betrayer. And you still don't know how you did it. You have no clue how you could have ever pulled it off without really knowing or realizing what you were doing. But why do I feel pain? I neither love nor hate, I neither care nor ignore. WHAT IS IT?!?!
Could it be love? Could I have really felt it, just my logic and self deprecation ruined me? Surely, that could be the case. I guess its a feeling of wanting something that I had but no longer have, something that even if I got it back, wouldn't offer me the same concern and care that it once did. I have sabotaged it. I ruined it, and for good reason. I know there is good reason, but like before, I don't understand my actions. I know I want to act a certain way, I want to come out feeling as though I can be an adult and deal with things in a grownup way, but inside, I kick and scream so much that it just comes out. I become this evil, beast-like version of myself that only the privacy of my own home should be privy to. I am not a pretty person, I am not a good person. Inside me lives evil and I beget it not.
Since it was snowing and ever so gray outside, I am reminded of a song, which I feel is appropriate for this moment in my life.
Il pleure dans mon coeur..............................There is weeping in my heart
Comme il pleut sur la ville...........................like the rain falling on the town.
Quelle est cette langueur.............................What is this languor
Qui pénètre mon coeur?................................that pervades my heart?
O bruit doux de la pluie,.............................Oh the patter of the rain
Par terre et sur les toits!...........................on the ground and the roofs!
Pour un coeur qui s'ennuie,...........................For a heart growing weary
O le bruit de la pluie!...............................oh the song of the rain!
Il pleure sans raison.................................There is weeping without cause
Dans ce coeur qui s'écoeure...........................in this disheartened heart.
Quoi! nulle trahison?.................................What! No betrayal?
Ce deuil est sans raison..............................There's no reason for this grief.
C'est bien la pire peine,.............................Truly the worst pain
De ne savoir pourquoi,................................is not knowing why,
Sans amour et sans haine,.............................without love or hatred,
Mon coeur a tant de peine.............................my heart feels so much pain.
Verlaine knew best, for he of anyone suffered the fate of a broken heart. Why this poem hits me is because I think that there is no reason for my grief. I have no reason to feel broken hearted because I guarded my heart and never let it love. I protected myself, I think. I think I never loved. It is the worst pain, knowing that you have no reason to feel pain or grieve for something that you never had and never gave. There was no betrayal because you were the betrayer. And you still don't know how you did it. You have no clue how you could have ever pulled it off without really knowing or realizing what you were doing. But why do I feel pain? I neither love nor hate, I neither care nor ignore. WHAT IS IT?!?!
Could it be love? Could I have really felt it, just my logic and self deprecation ruined me? Surely, that could be the case. I guess its a feeling of wanting something that I had but no longer have, something that even if I got it back, wouldn't offer me the same concern and care that it once did. I have sabotaged it. I ruined it, and for good reason. I know there is good reason, but like before, I don't understand my actions. I know I want to act a certain way, I want to come out feeling as though I can be an adult and deal with things in a grownup way, but inside, I kick and scream so much that it just comes out. I become this evil, beast-like version of myself that only the privacy of my own home should be privy to. I am not a pretty person, I am not a good person. Inside me lives evil and I beget it not.