(no subject)
I keep thinking about narrative. And thinking about how we fit into each other's lives. How people with similar narratives become close, how there's an uncertainty, an awkward place when people meet and haven't yet found the places their narratives connect (are you going to become my best friend, my lover, or someone I only talk to once in a while?).
Traveller, back months ago, asked me what I was looking for, and I told him, whatever I find. He took that to mean that I wasn't looking for anything serious... But that's not what I meant.
There is a difference between what you want and what you're looking for. The thing right now, for me, is to allow people to become whatever it is they can best become in my life. Whatever makes both narratives fuller and richer. So what I'm looking for is, quite simply, whatever I find. I'm looking to let things happen without limiting them. After all, the relationship Sim and I have is one that doesn't fit any standard terms or definitions. And limiting that would have been a tragedy.
What I want... I have my own version of happily ever after. My narrative involves publication (both mine and Sim's, together and apart). It involves a home she and I share. It involves a room full of books, a kitchen, an herb garden. It involves cats curled up on couches, a dog sleeping at the foot of my bed (or on my bed, if I'm honest). It involves lovers and beloveds. It involves, at some point, a romantic life partner (or partners) of mine living with us (Sim is, of course, more than welcome to include a romantic partner, too. But that's her narrative, not mine). In involves a network of friends and family within the geek community. In involves children, to be raised by more than two parents. In involves learning new skills on a regular basis (Alexander technique, naturopathy, dancing, massage, etc.). It involves day jobs we enjoy (which may mean trying on different jobs).
Whatever I find will become a part of that narrative. Whatever relationships I develop (romantic or non) will get incorporated. It's easier thinking of it this way. Thinking of it as narratives, as goals and motivations that are different. That removes some of the self doubts I've had. That makes rejection far less personal, and I have always taken it too personally.
I'm fading again. Past my bedtime, by a lot.
Traveller, back months ago, asked me what I was looking for, and I told him, whatever I find. He took that to mean that I wasn't looking for anything serious... But that's not what I meant.
There is a difference between what you want and what you're looking for. The thing right now, for me, is to allow people to become whatever it is they can best become in my life. Whatever makes both narratives fuller and richer. So what I'm looking for is, quite simply, whatever I find. I'm looking to let things happen without limiting them. After all, the relationship Sim and I have is one that doesn't fit any standard terms or definitions. And limiting that would have been a tragedy.
What I want... I have my own version of happily ever after. My narrative involves publication (both mine and Sim's, together and apart). It involves a home she and I share. It involves a room full of books, a kitchen, an herb garden. It involves cats curled up on couches, a dog sleeping at the foot of my bed (or on my bed, if I'm honest). It involves lovers and beloveds. It involves, at some point, a romantic life partner (or partners) of mine living with us (Sim is, of course, more than welcome to include a romantic partner, too. But that's her narrative, not mine). In involves a network of friends and family within the geek community. In involves children, to be raised by more than two parents. In involves learning new skills on a regular basis (Alexander technique, naturopathy, dancing, massage, etc.). It involves day jobs we enjoy (which may mean trying on different jobs).
Whatever I find will become a part of that narrative. Whatever relationships I develop (romantic or non) will get incorporated. It's easier thinking of it this way. Thinking of it as narratives, as goals and motivations that are different. That removes some of the self doubts I've had. That makes rejection far less personal, and I have always taken it too personally.
I'm fading again. Past my bedtime, by a lot.