Princess of Snow - Part 6
Title: Princess of Snow (6/6)
Part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None really
Notices: AU, female!Kurogane and female!Fai
Summary: Kurogane has one more hurdle to overcome to save Fai's life before time runs out for the princess, and for her as well.
Author's Note: Wow, I'm finally done with this remix fic...which began a year ago. OTL Still, I am really proud of this baby. I might write timestamps for this~
Chapter 6 - Of Ember and Snow
Hear my silent prayer
Heed my quiet call
When the dark and blue surround you
Step into my sigh
Look inside the light
You will know that I have found you
She was burning deliriously, heat tearing away at her very own flesh, smoke choking her lungs, ashes clouding her vision. The pain was excruciating beyond relief, but she ignored it as she made her way to the frozen lake where she had encountered the haunting spirit of the last Queen of Snow. She was no longer there, but there in her place was her daughter, frail body imprisoned in shards of ice. They were laced everywhere, over her chest, frost on the tips of her hair, creeping past up her neck.
She was dying - both of them were: one freezing and the other burning to their death, their souls clawing to be freed and join the ranks of those lurking in the air, screaming, wailing, mourning. But she still resisted caving into the pain of hot needles that were pinpricking on her skin and eating away at her chest as she hurried onward to the snow princess before time ran out. Her head was now completely encased in ice, growing over the outline of her face and spreading inward until they would cover her nose and mouth and cause her to suffocate and freeze to death. Her lips were dark blue, blue eyes fading away into snow white as they addressed those of fiery red.
(You want to know why I’m happy in the snow?)
It was getting harder and harder to breathe for both of them. The ice grew over her nose and by then she could only see cold lips and pleading eyes.
(Because I got to meet you.)
She screamed in pain as she pushed her hand, engulfed in flames and pressed one over her own heart.
(I can’t die, I can’t die.)
The ice spread around the corners of the snow princess’ lips, but she pushed herself to place her other hand over where the princess’ heart laid, buried behind layers of ice.
(I won’t let you die, I won’t let you die.)
Flames erupted deep within her chest, causing her head to spin violently as a wave of warmth spread from her heart, through her fingertips, and onto the frozen barrier killing her equal, melting the ice bit by bit. She could hear the ember spirits along with those of snow still wailing as the connection between the elements were achieved at last.
Bit by bit the din of the spirits died down - and in lieu of dissonance a peaceful chorus echoed forth. All at once, floods of soothing relief overwhelmed her body, and across from her the snow princess was being brought back to life. She saw the same lady with long black hair that could only be her mother and the queen with sweeping golden hair encircling them. They smiled, embraced their daughters, and departed the realm of dreams with the other spirits, leaving the Princess of Ember and the Princess of Snow behind.
All was well.
When we are gone, they will remain
Wind and rock, fire and rain
They will remain, when we return
The wind will blow, and the fire will burn
Kurogane awoke with tears in her eyes. She blinked and let them run over her temples, for she could not wipe them away as her arms were heavy and in pain.
She was still holding onto Fai, and to the general’s relief the princess was no longer blue in the face. Yet Fai was still in a deep sleep, her lips pale and cheeks wet with pools of tears.
Kurogane had seen fragments of Fai’s past in the span of a dream in one night, and no doubt she had been affected by the heartbreaking memories. But those weren’t just echoes of painful events to the princess. They were years of her hardships and moments she had to go through, seeing her people and her homeland wither away. These were her secrets that she refused to share, and she didn’t dare betray her guilt and wretched feelings of loneliness through her body language and tone. And now that Kurogane had revisited Fai’s past in their shared dream, it was irreversible. The general could not feign ignorance on this matter when the princess wake up, and she wasn’t sure how Fai would act. Yet no matter what she would reassure Fai that she did not harbor any spite towards her.
Because through a chain of miracles, through a connection she established between the spirits of ember and snow, they were able to live. To go through that experience of near death, feeling that this sleep would be eternal, but only to wake up again and feel your heart beating and your chest breathing twice was a godsend. And for that, there was nothing that Kurogane would hold against Fai.
Bearing those thoughts in mind, Kurogane exhaled quietly as she kept her eyes lingered on Fai’s sleeping, tearstained face. Seeing the princess’ health slowly returning eased her. As if on instinct, Kurogane ran coarse fingers through Fai’s hair. The strands were stiff and cold, dead from all those years of the princess growing her hair out and exposing them to frost and snow, but they were still soothing, for her and perhaps for Fai as well. She stayed like that for a while, as if it was a meditative process for her to soak in all that had happened in just these past few days.
Although the last fragments of her dream had told her that the ember spirits had been pacified for the moment, she was still unsure if she still had to continue trekking to the ruins of her homeland. For all she knew, the Kingdom of Ember was extremely dangerous, withered down to sunken rocks and molten lava - and if Fai’s health was directly tied to her frail kingdom was any indication, Kurogane would stand no chance if she dared cross feet on her own terrain. Perhaps she couldn’t risk ending her journey there anymore, but she still had time to think it through. For now, the general had to make do with Princess Fai’s outcome in mind.
Finally, she let go of Fai’s hair, letting long strands slip past her fingers before she carefully got out of the bed, making sure that the princess had as much warmth protecting her cold body as much as possible. Sure enough the blonde reacted from the absence of the general’s warmth. She shivered and curled into a fetal position, wrapping herself furthermore with her own cloak on top of the thick quilt. Without second thoughts, Kurogane retrieved her abandoned cloak from the ground and placed it on top of Fai, tucking it so that it hugged her cold body and then replaced the quilt over her. It was the least she could do as she set to prepare a meal.
Keeping the fire warm and high enough for Fai’s cauldron was still exhausting, but not as arduous as the time in the cave yesterday. The large fireplace was well designed to withstand the cold draught left in the shack. Kurogane roasted skewers of rabbit meat that she had caught, cleaned, and prepared a few days ago, while also simmering leftover soup she had found in Fai’s sack. These were all the remaining food supply they had left, much to her dismay, but nevertheless she felt it was important to sustain them with enough energy before their next course, whatever it may be. She remained crouched by the fireside cooking as the snowstorm howled outside of their shelter and as Fai slept, doing all she could to keep her mind focused on the present. After all, it seemed the worst was over for both of them, and she could afford to buy time to let Fai rest some more before feeding her.
She wasn’t entirely sure how much time had passed as it was still dark and dreary outside the frosty windowpanes, but the general kept busy tending to the food and fire. They were safe and that was what mostly mattered. Just as she turned the rabbit meat over once again, Kurogane heard a sound from the bed. And then, she heard a faint croak from Fai.
“Don’t…”
Fetching a spare bowl of warm water she had prepared and heated on the side, Kurogane walked over to the bed and kneeled by the princess side where she was still in a deep sleep, murmuring away. Cold beads of sweat perspired down her temples, which were at the very least a good sign her body was warming up healthily again. Kurogane wiped them away from Fai’s eyelids as gently as she could, just as the blonde whimpered in her dreams again.
“Please, don’t…”
“Shhhhh.”
With one hand she lifted Fai’s head and supported it, and with the other she pressed the bowl of water towards her mouth. Pale lips trembled in response to the touch and parted open, allowing Kurogane to slowly nourish her. Some of it dripped past her mouth, but she managed to swallow some, resulting in a rather loud gulp. Fresh tears poured out of closed eyelids again. Not knowing what else to do, Kurogane crept away from the princess’ bedside.
“Don’t leave me.”
“I’m not,” the general said immediately, rather alarmed.
Somehow, Fai managed to snatch Kurogane’s free wrist.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m not -”
“Don’t leave me…Chii.”
Oh.
Embarrassed, Kurogane freed herself from Fai’s limp grip and left the bedside, flushing. Of course Fai was still dreaming, not actually worrying about Kurogane leaving her for good like the remaining survivors of her kingdom. Not that Kurogane would ever just leave Fai in her state of vulnerability in the first place.
Still, she thought it was better to be safe than sorry. Having nothing else to do, Kurogane helped herself to a portion of the sweet soup Fai had concocted yesterday and dragged the chair next to the bed so she could eat while keeping guard over the snow princess’ health. For the next hour or so, the only sounds were those of Kurogane eating, the hearth cackling, wind howling outside, and the light, soft breathings from Fai. During that time the general continued to assess what will need to happen next when Fai finally woke up. Since she was able to save her, it was clear that it was also her responsibility to preserve the snow native’s life. That destiny was now in her hands, yet ultimately it was still up to Fai to choose.
Kurogane then hoped Fai chose that option, and not the other one.
Just as she helped herself to the last portion of the soup, Fai stirred awake. She set aside the now empty bottle, but simply remained on the tattered chair just in case. With what Kurogane had seen of Fai’s history through their shared dreams, she knew it wouldn’t be easy for Fai to accept her changed fate. Yet even so, she would just have to talk the princess through no matter what, for her life was her very own responsibility. It wasn’t quite the same as her pledged loyalty to protect Princess Tomoyo at all cost, but a promise was a promise.
Pale eyelids fluttered open and familiar crystal blue eyes slowly registered their surroundings. A gasp of pain and surprise followed as Fai struggled to prop herself up from the pillow.
“Don’t move.”
Fai fell back on her elbows and winced just as she acknowledged the general’s watchful presence.
“Lady Kurogane…”
Ignoring the princess’ customary address for her - or perhaps she was far more used to it by now - Kurogane helped Fai propped her head against the pillow.
“I’ll get some soup.”
“Why?” Fai said, puzzled.
“Because you’re still not well.”
Fai shook her head. “I can help myself.” She pushed, but as she tried to sit taller, her body caved in protest, causing her to fall back on the pillow.
“Look here,” Kurogane said, close to a growl.
She remembered blood on the snow, Fai frozen to the spot, turning blue and caving into hypothermia. That was worse than any condition Kurogane had ever been in, even in this dying kingdom, and it was exasperating to see Fai being so stubborn. Furious, Kurogane inched closer towards the bed and stared back at the princess sternly.
“Your body went through a lot yesterday to put up the snow for us. It’s a miracle we’re still alive. So put still while I’ll get soup.”
But instead of reassuring Fai that she would be in charge of helping her recuperate as she had hoped, the princess grimaced in anguish. Realizing what she had just said, rather bluntly, and how that would affect Fai, Kurogane regretted those words. In front of her eyes, Fai was trembling, badly.
“Why, why did you?”
“So sorry,” Kurogane blurted. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
Dropping all harsh pretenses, Kurogane slipped on the bed without preamble and held Fai’s shaking wrist, who surprisingly did not force her away. Fai bit on her lip, desperately looking left and right as if she was distracting herself from giving herself away from Kurogane. But it was too late. The general watched nearly helplessly as for the second time since they met Fai choked on her words.
“Why did you save me?”
She burst into tears, even wailed, as Kurogane stood there frozen, not knowing what to say or do as Fai cried into her chest. Nothing she could say would be mildly comforting, for she was not used to soothing others, like how Princess Tomoyo was for her growing up. So instead, she merely used her free hand and patted Fai’s back, even running her fingers through matted hair occasionally. Either Fai was lost in her grief or she didn’t mind at all, but Kurogane continued doing that, for she felt in a way it would help. But Fai was crying and that was good because she wasn’t holding back any secrets or her pains anymore, so Kurogane let her cry for some more until she caught some breaths and wiped her nose on her dress sleeves.
“After all I did to endanger you,” she said between sobs. “Why?”
“Because…” Kurogane untangled her fingers from long, wispy hair and curled them neatly into a relaxed fist, holding it by her side.
“Because in the end, you still saved my life. And that matters, so don’t you dare say anything otherwise.”
Fai slowly ceased weeping, pulling away so that Kurogane could see her better. Tears still clung to golden eyelashes. Kurogane swiped her thumbs around pale eyelids, wiping them away while her warm hands brought some warmth back to Fai’s cold cheeks. Blue eyes widen at her sudden kind and comforting gesture, to which Kurogane reacted by retreating her hand away, casting her own eyes sideway while flushing.
“Now you’re going to eat, whether you like it or not,” she said, but more so out of embarrassment.
Fai didn’t say anything, which she took it as a good sign. As she slipped off of the bed, Fai pulled the general’s cloak around her, reacting to the lack of Kurogane’s own warmth. The hearth was still going, but it had weakened over the course of time. She quickly regenerated it back to a healthier level to keep the entire shack warm, and then filled a bottle with soup, which she brought it back to Fai. Blowing the steam away, she settled back on the bed and held out the bottle, offering her assistance.
The princess struggled to hold back a small smile, but she succumbed. “So kind of you, like a true lady.”
“Stop it with the ‘lady’ remarks already,” Kurogane retorted. She, however, managed to suppress her own smile in return.
“Just eat.”
And eat Fai did. It still took some time as Kurogane had to judge how much to tip the bottle at a time so as to not flood Fai’s mouth and face with the hot content. As the princess drained the contents she saw warmth slowly returning to her face. Her eyes started welling again, but whether that was because she was still touched by all of Kurogane’s efforts or if it was because the soup was too hot, the general didn’t know. Either way, Fai managed to finish. Settling the bottle aside, Kurogane decided it was time to start getting into the heart of several matters.
“You put something in the soup, didn’t you,” she said.
“Yes,” Fai affirmed. “But it wasn’t what you would expect. It wasn’t a healing spell. I added some herbs then put a spell to enhance them. That’s why you were able to recover fast yesterday.
“You look surprised,” she said, noticing how Kurogane was speechless. “You’re probably wondering about something. Yes, it is true that every time I use my magic under this kingdom’s condition I am approaching closer to my own death. But I suppose I should be good. For now.”
If Fai had brought up this information the moment she was dying outside in the frigid snow, Kurogane would have been upset at the knowledge that the princess had put herself through much harm to help her. It still did bother her to an extent, but if anything, the dreams and the visitations from the spirits last night were assuring. And the thing was, it seemed that Fai understood that her self-deprecation and sacrifices had upset the general, so perhaps the snow native was already well on her way to forgiveness. Even if the road to forgiveness would be hard from what Kurogane imagined.
In a spell of silence, Fai glanced where the door was and fixed her eyes on it, not saying anything else for now. She frowned.
“Chii is gone.”
That surprised Kurogane.
“What happened to her?”
“The spell has been broken,” Fai said. “And I believe you know more than I can ever hope to hide.”
Snippets of the dream, of Fai’s memories resurfaced. In her mind, Kurogane saw young Fai procuring her first creature in the castle’s library, Fai bringing Chii with her to their new home, the princess ignoring her companion while she mourned for her knight, and then Fai crying into Chii’s fur the night she broke down after all those years. Chii - her confidante, her guiding companion, and the vassal of her late mother’s soul, as well as the source of the mysterious voice from last night.
“Your mother called to me.”
“Yes,” Fai’s lips started to tremble. She bit on them. “In my weakened state, I heard Mother’s voice calling out to me, to you. She showed you my past, everything in our dream. I didn’t want her to, but there was nothing I could do to stop her. I never wanted anyone to see the sins I have committed in my youth.”
In a narrow distance she saw Fai fighting to hold back tears, but the princess was still exhausted in her state, and so they fell, highlighting her sorrowful blue eyes.
“I don’t understand,” Fai whispered, choking. “Yesterday was supposed to be my last day of living in the physical world. Death was waiting for me, waiting to finalize the contract I made all those years ago to die with the kingdom. But then you showed up and I had to save you. I didn’t mean to keep you for that long, but before I knew it, I craved for more company. And as a result, I put you in harm’s way again. So I don’t get why…”
“That’s enough.”
Kurogane let out a disgruntled sigh and squeezed Fai’s shoulder.
“Look, I don’t know why she decided to show me all of your past, and I would never asked for it like that. It wasn’t any of my business and it isn’t up to me to judge you. But she did, and I was able to save you anyways.”
There was a catch in the blonde’s breath as the general gave her a stern but sympathetic look.
“But now I understand why you never wanted me or anyone else to find out your past. You were afraid that I wouldn’t ever forgive you and hate you, the way you’d hated yourself for what had happened to your people, and for holding me back and endangering my life and yours, when all this time you did what you did because you were lonely.”
At the affirmation of her true feelings that she had been holding back all those years and all that very long day yesterday, the princess wept violently. But it was healthy, it was cathartic for her, and Fai had no reason to hold back her pain anymore, being so open and vulnerable, trusting the general, so Kurogane let her cry against her chest once more because she knew things could only progress for the better from here. When her crying subsided, Fai spoke once more.
“All this time, I only had one wish. Even though I was bound to remain isolated in my kingdom until our deaths were aligned as a bargain and punishment, I still wanted companionship, more than just from Chii and the snow spirits and the beauty of my homeland. It grieved me beyond words to not be able to spare anyone from the wretched curse this world was put in because of what had happened. So when I was able to save you from death and nursed you back to health, talk to you and even smile as if I wasn’t going to die in a matter of hours, I thought that at the very least I could die feeling so warm and happy at last.”
As Fai let out a weary sigh, Kurogane’s mind wandered back to that harrowing moment when Fai was caving into her severe hypothermia, expressing at last her true feelings of being happy to have met her. At that time the general was at a loss for all that was going on, but moved. And now, after all she had seen, after all she had heard coming from Fai’s words, something soothing stirred deep within her. She couldn’t pinpoint what it really was, but it reminded her of home and comfort, of the late nights in her childhood when Princess Tomoyo calmed her when she had nightmares. Love may be what she was feeling. Not like how she loved her princess as a mother matron and master, nor her past relationships with other guards, but it was there, and as strange as she had known Fai for only two days, she felt it was just as natural as anything else.
“The last thing I dreamed was Mother saying goodbye to me and leaving me for good, saying that it’s time for me to let go and move on because someone will take care of me. And then - I woke up, not realizing that I had lived until you were there, too. You have to understand, Lady Kurogane, that I never would have thought that I would survive. I still - I still don’t know how to react or what to do or even...”
“It’s alright,” Kurogane said. She went to wipe away the tear stains from Fai’s face again, much accustomed to it.
“You told me yesterday that the ember spirits watched over me when I got stranded, and came to my rescue when I fell before blanking out. Perhaps the snow spirits wanted the same for you, too.”
“It can’t be,” Fai protested, faintly shaking her head. “Once I made my word to stay until my very last breath, they put the seal on me.”
“Just listen for a moment,” Kurogane said, in near exasperation. Fai stopped, startled.
“Maybe you weren’t able to remember this part of the dream - if I could even call it a dream. But towards the end, I saw you. You were about to freeze to death, but I managed to free you. And when I did, I heard all of the spirits sighing in relief. You know more about the connections between us humans and the elements more than I could ever know, but I feel like what just happened then, what happened this whole time, was something that ultimately helped set them and us free. So no matter what either of us wanted, the spirits told us something. Something clear to me as soon as I woke up.”
Realization dawned on Fai. Blue eyes widened, letting Kurogane know that she was beginning to accept all of this. One pale hand clutched tighter on the general’s clothing as Kurogane closed their distance at last by wrapping on arm around Fai and embraced her.
“They wanted us to live, Princess.”
“I…see.” Fai rested her head on Kurogane’s shoulder. “That’s why all of the other spirits are no longer here, just like Chii. I don’t hear or feel their presence anymore.”
Kurogane found her fingers resting lightly around Fai’s hair but then stopped. At the very least, she was relieved that Fai was taking all of this as well as she could in spite of all that had happened to her.
“You know, I still don’t get why she attacked me outside of the cave that night.”
“Oh that?” Fai said, breaking into a smile that nearly took Kurogane’s breath away. The general caught herself, however, and simply waited for her answer.
“I guess I should apologize first. When I told you that I was away when Chii attacked you, it was a lie. I was still inside the cavern, upholding my spell in hopes of guiding you to safety.”
Kurogane nodded, remembering the last bit of the dream where Fai struggled to help her out in spite of Chii’s warning. Fai continued.
“Chii isn’t any name I came up with. Chii means ‘mother guardian’ in my people’s ancient tongue. As much as I am the creator of Chii, she hosted my mother’s spirit at times in need. So when you arrived at the cavern’s mouth, bearing your mother’s sacred torch, my mother overtook Chii completely. And before I knew it, she was outside, attacking you, because she only meant to protect me and discover who you really were. Once she and I saw your torch burning sporadically like that, we knew you were the lost heir of the Kingdom of Ember. I never thought about it until now, but I think all along, Mother thought you would be the one to save me, even when I was resigned to my fate all these years.”
By then Fai was choking on tears. She rubbed them away immediately, laughing even.
“I’m sorry. I can’t stop crying. You really have no idea how much all of you have done means to me.”
“Maybe I can’t fully understand,” Kurogane said, feeling her cheeks flare again. “But I mean - I couldn’t just leave you out there.”
“I think I accept that by now, Lady Kurogane,” she said, warmth returning to her voice at last. “I just don’t know how I can ever pay you back.”
“You got to stop thinking like that,” Kurogane admonished, cutting off Fai once again. “Honestly, as long as you’re alive, that’s good enough for me. But there’s something else that I was thinking about.”
Maybe, maybe now was the time to bring this up, what she had in mind the entire time she waited for Fai to wake up.
“Yes?”
“I was wondering - maybe you would come with me back to the Land of the Lotus Blossoms. Princess Tomoyo, who I serve as you know, will welcome you with open arms. Her people will, too. It might be too of a sudden, but staying here would do you no good. But as much as you were able to live because of me and your spirits, it is solely up to you to decide what you want to do.”
There, she had finally said it. All along Kurogane thought it would be best if Fai came with her. The Princess of Snow would have to leave her homeland forever and immerse herself into the greater world, not to mention adopt a new place completely foreign to her as her home. For the first time in many years, Fai would be surrounded by people everywhere, who were safe and were not at the mercy of nature, dying brutally by the numbers. Such a culture shock and exposure to a thriving society of living and breathing people would most likely impose a lot of pain and unease for her. But in Kurogane’s mind, it was the best course for Fai’s fate. And now, it was up to Fai to choose.
“I…”
Words failed to surface for Fai. Her mouth was left hanging open, speechless at the general’s offer. The invitation to go to Kurogane’s homeland was not something to take lightly, and Kurogane understood that Fai wouldn’t take her words as easily. She would be patient to hear what Fai had to say. But regardless, she stood by her offer.
“Do you really want me to stay with you?”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Kurogane said hotly. “I mean - yeah, we could see each other in the province at least, but you know, so long as you come along that would be good enough -”
“There’s really no need to make that much of a fuss, Lady Kurogane,” Fai said rather coolly. However, there was a hint of slyness in her sharp retort, which caused the general to flush even harder than she already was. Kurogane cleared her throat.
“I guess, I mean.” She forced down the funny feeling in her stomach.
“Yeah.”
She counted to ten silently in her head. Within that short amount of time, she expected Fai to laugh and tease her furthermore. Or even worse, feel ashamed and crippled and then withdraw into self-deprecation again, refusing to even consider the notion of going back to the Land of the Lotus Blossoms with her. But instead Kurogane felt a head over her shoulder and arms wrapped tightly around her waist. Touched by the princess’ embrace, the general ran a hand through long hair once more.
“My mother always wanted to protect me no matter what even after she died to hold up the kingdom. She never left me to perish on my own, until today when I was able to survive and let her and all of the snow spirits rest in peace for eternity. Now that I am no longer under the service of anyone, living or dead, I won’t let my life and hopes be thrown away so easily. Not anymore.”
By then, she was sobbing.
“So I want to. I want to go with you. I never want to be alone or abandoned ever again.”
“I understand,” Kurogane said. She was relieved. There were no regrets. All was at ease and everything urgent was settled for the better. “And you won’t be this time.”
Fai then let go of Kurogane, rubbing at her eyes, smiling.
“I don’t know how I - words can’t express just how much I’m feeling right now. So thank you, on behalf of my people and myself, with all of my heart.”
For a brief moment, Kurogane drank in Fai’s words of gratitude and then let go of pale yellow strands.
“Good. Soon as you heal enough and pack up everything you need, we’re heading out of this blizzard. It’s best if we stop by the Land of the Cherry Blossoms first and rest there, then continue further south until we reach my homeland. Think you’ll be fine travelling for at least three months?”
“It will not be easy,” Fai said, still resting among the pillow, “but I will manage. After all, I have been able to survive in this barren land for years.”
“True,” Kurogane affirmed.
Letting the course of their emotional exchange die down, the general went to the fireplace, where the meat jerky was still roasting. The flames had been dying down, owing to her absence from it while tending to Fai. She set to make it roar back to life, the warmth tickling her cold hands and heating the entire shack. Meanwhile she heard Fai slowly getting out. It was miraculous how much energy the princess still had in her. After all, her body caved into the previous day. Perhaps the spirits had lent her more energy over the course of last night, and then there was also the heat that Kurogane fought to transfer as well.
“Hey, don’t push yourself.”
Fai laughed. “I’ll be fine.”
But then she doubled over, clasping at her rib. Kurogane was about to leave the fireside without any second thoughts, but right away the princess supported herself on the table, panting heavily but still beaming.
“See?”
Kurogane shook her head in part disapproval and part amusement. She then busied herself back to finish cooking the meat, which will be substantial for their next meal when they safely leave the borders of this kingdom. Fai went around gathering all of her own supplies that were stashed in the nooks and crannies of the shack. She moved about slowly and in pain, but it eased Kurogane that the princess was in remarkably good spirits.
It was admirable in a way, for someone like Fai who had lived nearly her whole life in resignation to severe loneliness and deep remorse to turn her attitude around and embrace a second chance at life and hope. When she thought about it, it wasn’t just Kurogane’s pursuit to save her that enabled her to live. There was more to it. It was the princess’ own strength, deep within layers of sadness and despair that had ultimately changed her fate.
Once the meat was fully cooked and packed safely among everything else in her sack, Kurogane went to check on Fai, who was also finishing up retrieving her items. There weren’t much left in the shack to begin with, and Kurogane traced it to the fact that Fai had simply known that her days were dwindling now. Of course now that had been altered dramatically. Kurogane hoped Fai’s severe shortage of supplies would not jeopardize her health than it already had been all these years. Spring was coming soon, so food in the greater world should become abundant. Other necessities such as healing supplies and the like would have to be replenished as soon as they arrived in the Land of the Cherry Blossoms.
Just as Kurogane secured on her armor and thick cloak, she saw Fai approaching her. She too had put on her beloved white cloak adorned with blue intricate patterns.
“May I borrow your dagger?”
Kurogane raised her eyebrows. “Why?”
“I need it for something important that I must do before I embark on our journey,” Fai said firmly. There was her serious tone again. As Kurogane assessed her, she noticed nothing but coolness in those crystal blue eyes. She sighed and withdrew her dagger from her belt, pulling it out of the sheath.
“Thank you,” the princess said.
She retreated to the fireplace, where she dropped her large hood. Bit by bit, Fai pulled her long hair out from its hiding place, gathering as much as she could in one hand and holding the dagger towards it with the other. She was going to cut it all off.
In awe and wonder, Kurogane witnessed Fai running the prized dagger through her hair, until the last of the strands were cut through. All at once, bundles of sun silk hair dropped to the floor, revealing the back of her neck. No longer weighed down with it, Fai turned around, her hair now above her shoulder and framing her face. She smiled upon seeing Kurogane’s stunned expression.
“I suppose Lady Kurogane thinks this makes me look livelier?” she said in that old, familiar lilting voice. Kurogane balked, turning pink. Fai laughed.
“You see, it is custom for the ruler who has stepped down from the throne to severe their hair, which they have grown since they inherited it. The heavy weight and length represent all of the spirits that have come before them and how they are chained to uphold our holy element and our people. Once they are no longer bound to our holy element and divine spirits, they must cut off their hair as a symbol of the liberation from their duties.”
She returned to the general’s side and handed back the dagger, which Kurogane sheathed back in her belt.
“So before we leave my beloved homeland, I needed to do this, for I am no longer chained to the spirits and our holy element. And I must say it does feels…nice.”
“And convenient too,” Kurogane added, finally finding something to say. Fai seemed pleased at her remark and proceeded to pull the hood back over her head. She was still smiling slyly at her.
“What?”
“Oh nothing,” Fai said. “Except that you seem positively back to your usual self, Lady Kurogane.”
She scowled, which only confirmed Fai’s observation. “Yeah - well you, too. So stop saying things like that.”
But regardless, Fai was receiving her warmly, truly for the first time. It was a new feeling, something that Kurogane liked. She hoped it would stay like that from now on.
“I guess it’s time to say goodbye to this place,” Fai said. She pulled up her hood. “You may light your torch.”
And Kurogane did. With the fireplace snuffed out, they left the shack. This was it. There was no going back, and this time, Fai had her heart set on a new future just as much as Kurogane.
The blizzard was still fierce, but miraculously not as severe as yesterday when Fai collapsed and Kurogane hurried them both to shelter with the assistance of Chii. Fai stared at the direction where the border lied and concentrated, drawing a circle in the air and reciting the powerful spell one last time. Using the magic overwhelmed her, causing her to tumble. Kurogane caught her promptly, scowling but concerned. The princess assured her she would be alright, which the general relented. With that said, she raised her torch and together they stepped in tandem, following the clear path Fai’s spell had carved for them.
Who knew, Kurogane thought, that two days ago she was on the way to the ruins of the Kingdom of Ember. But after getting lost in the perimeters of the Kingdom of Snow, maneuvering her way to the cavern and nearly freezing to death in the process, and meeting the last survivor of this land, nothing turned out as she had thought it would months ago when she prepared her trip with Princess Tomoyo. Now, she was going to return to home sweet home, with Fai in tow with her. She would introduce her to her princess’ audience and explain to her matron mother in private her desire to welcome Fai to her new home. Surely nothing would ever be quite the same.
And yet, Kurogane felt more at peace than ever since she started having those feverish nightmares.
“Lady Kurogane?”
She could barely hear her new travelling companion in the howling wind.
“Yeah?”
“I am aware that you were planning to visit your place of origin, the neighboring Kingdom of Ember. I know it was really important to you to tend to your mission. However, I’m afraid once we leave this place the route to it will be blocked off. Or we will have to take a more dangerous path, and I’m not sure if it will be safe for either of us. I’m afraid all of it is due to my actions, and I -”
“Didn’t I tell you earlier to stop blaming yourself like that?” Kurogane yelled, against the harsh winds.
“I know,” Fai yelled back, “but I still feel bad that you weren’t able to see your native place.”
“Yeah, I thought about it. But there’s no need to anymore. I used to dream that the ember spirits were at unrest, which was why I had to go there in the first place. But now that they are at peace it’s fine. Besides, we need to take you to the Land of the Cherry Blossoms first. Now, no more talking or else we’ll get defeated by the snow again.”
For the rest of the trek towards the border they were silent. Fai kept the spell at bay the best she could while Kurogane harnessed the power of her torch for them to see well ahead. The walk was not as arduous as the previous days, which they owed it to them being further away from the center of the kingdom, but it was still grueling nonetheless. Both of them were still battling exhaustion from the previous day, and so they leaned against each other for support. Kurogane was glad to get out of this place, but she couldn’t say if it was the same for Fai. Once they got out of there she would have to check on the princess.
Bit by bit, the furious snow started to lessen, and the wind started to quiet down. It even grew lighter the further they went down south. The prospect of seeing some greenery - tufts of grass and new flower buds poking through snow, and the sounds of animals instilled strength in the general. It had felt like an eternity since she last saw life, aside from Fai. She knew how much it would mean for the princess to see the wonders of thriving nature again.
And then finally, they reached the border. Together, they crossed the other side, and stepped out of harm’s way.
Kurogane lowered her torch. She helped Fai over to a large boulder on the ground, where they sat down, both panting for breath. The general then reached for her water pouch, which she helped herself to some before passing it to the princess. It was now past mid-afternoon, judging from the location of the sunlight in the much clearer sky.
“How are you feeling, Princess, now that we have left the Kingdom of Snow for good?”
Fai paused from drinking. “It’s overwhelming.”
She couldn’t hide her somber expression, however.
“It is never easy to leave the land I call my home, the land I love so much. But like I have expressed to you once, Lady Kurogane, I know everything will be alright. Even if my kingdom now lies in ruin for eternity, and my people and I are forever gone, the connection between the element and us will never truly fade away. For as long as there is snow and as long as I am alive, I will always feel that connection. It is everywhere, the same one that bounded my beloved mother to our holy element, and my ancestors before her.”
Just then, dark clouds rolled in. Sheets of snow fell softly from the sky, unlike the harsh and steady onslaught in the kingdom that now lie in ruins behind them. Kurogane watched as Fai held out her hand, letting snowflakes drop and melt in her thick gloves. Some landed on her golden eyelashes, where tears coalesced. Fai blinked them back and stood up. She walked closer to an evergreen tree. It stood tall and firm in their surroundings, green branches peeking out and teemed with life. Fai brushed against the thick bark, feeling it, reveling in its lively majesty. Finally, she dropped her hood and began to explore the rest of the scenery around them while Kurogane remained in her spot on the boulder.
She slowly spun in a circle, admiring the wilderness. Blue eyes widen in awe as she took in the breathtaking view of the ground, the trees, and the expanse of the horizon where peeks of sunlight still filtered through the dark clouds. For the first time in a while, there was true liveliness in her eyes. Kurogane was reminded of that time when they were leaving the cave and Fai was unusually radiant. And now Fai was fully lively. She scanned the perimeters one last time, let out a nice, long breath.
“It’s beautiful,” Fai remarked.
And just like when she was a young girl, happy and warm and loved, the Princess of Snow spread her arms out and twirled under the falling snowflakes, dancing with her beloved element. Snow was not harming anyone anymore - it was there, falling, nourishing the earth with water supply, following a natural cycle. All was not lost for Fai as Kurogane reveled in the joy the scenery brought to the princess.
So enchanting it was that for a moment it seemed like there was no other worries. But then it was getting late, and they had to walk further before Kurogane could locate an abandoned cabin she remembered from her earlier trek where they could camp for the night. It was a shame she had to stop Fai from her moment of peace and happiness, but there really was no way out of it.
She stood up and walked to where Fai was, lost in her state of blissful revelry, and gently placed a hand on her arm.
“Yes, Lady Kurogane?” she said, smiling, cheeks flushed pink from the cold, but never had Kurogane seen Fai look so positively happy and radiating until now.
The general smiled back.
“Let’s go home.”
Part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None really
Notices: AU, female!Kurogane and female!Fai
Summary: Kurogane has one more hurdle to overcome to save Fai's life before time runs out for the princess, and for her as well.
Author's Note: Wow, I'm finally done with this remix fic...which began a year ago. OTL Still, I am really proud of this baby. I might write timestamps for this~
Chapter 6 - Of Ember and Snow
Hear my silent prayer
Heed my quiet call
When the dark and blue surround you
Step into my sigh
Look inside the light
You will know that I have found you
She was burning deliriously, heat tearing away at her very own flesh, smoke choking her lungs, ashes clouding her vision. The pain was excruciating beyond relief, but she ignored it as she made her way to the frozen lake where she had encountered the haunting spirit of the last Queen of Snow. She was no longer there, but there in her place was her daughter, frail body imprisoned in shards of ice. They were laced everywhere, over her chest, frost on the tips of her hair, creeping past up her neck.
She was dying - both of them were: one freezing and the other burning to their death, their souls clawing to be freed and join the ranks of those lurking in the air, screaming, wailing, mourning. But she still resisted caving into the pain of hot needles that were pinpricking on her skin and eating away at her chest as she hurried onward to the snow princess before time ran out. Her head was now completely encased in ice, growing over the outline of her face and spreading inward until they would cover her nose and mouth and cause her to suffocate and freeze to death. Her lips were dark blue, blue eyes fading away into snow white as they addressed those of fiery red.
(You want to know why I’m happy in the snow?)
It was getting harder and harder to breathe for both of them. The ice grew over her nose and by then she could only see cold lips and pleading eyes.
(Because I got to meet you.)
She screamed in pain as she pushed her hand, engulfed in flames and pressed one over her own heart.
(I can’t die, I can’t die.)
The ice spread around the corners of the snow princess’ lips, but she pushed herself to place her other hand over where the princess’ heart laid, buried behind layers of ice.
(I won’t let you die, I won’t let you die.)
Flames erupted deep within her chest, causing her head to spin violently as a wave of warmth spread from her heart, through her fingertips, and onto the frozen barrier killing her equal, melting the ice bit by bit. She could hear the ember spirits along with those of snow still wailing as the connection between the elements were achieved at last.
Bit by bit the din of the spirits died down - and in lieu of dissonance a peaceful chorus echoed forth. All at once, floods of soothing relief overwhelmed her body, and across from her the snow princess was being brought back to life. She saw the same lady with long black hair that could only be her mother and the queen with sweeping golden hair encircling them. They smiled, embraced their daughters, and departed the realm of dreams with the other spirits, leaving the Princess of Ember and the Princess of Snow behind.
All was well.
When we are gone, they will remain
Wind and rock, fire and rain
They will remain, when we return
The wind will blow, and the fire will burn
Kurogane awoke with tears in her eyes. She blinked and let them run over her temples, for she could not wipe them away as her arms were heavy and in pain.
She was still holding onto Fai, and to the general’s relief the princess was no longer blue in the face. Yet Fai was still in a deep sleep, her lips pale and cheeks wet with pools of tears.
Kurogane had seen fragments of Fai’s past in the span of a dream in one night, and no doubt she had been affected by the heartbreaking memories. But those weren’t just echoes of painful events to the princess. They were years of her hardships and moments she had to go through, seeing her people and her homeland wither away. These were her secrets that she refused to share, and she didn’t dare betray her guilt and wretched feelings of loneliness through her body language and tone. And now that Kurogane had revisited Fai’s past in their shared dream, it was irreversible. The general could not feign ignorance on this matter when the princess wake up, and she wasn’t sure how Fai would act. Yet no matter what she would reassure Fai that she did not harbor any spite towards her.
Because through a chain of miracles, through a connection she established between the spirits of ember and snow, they were able to live. To go through that experience of near death, feeling that this sleep would be eternal, but only to wake up again and feel your heart beating and your chest breathing twice was a godsend. And for that, there was nothing that Kurogane would hold against Fai.
Bearing those thoughts in mind, Kurogane exhaled quietly as she kept her eyes lingered on Fai’s sleeping, tearstained face. Seeing the princess’ health slowly returning eased her. As if on instinct, Kurogane ran coarse fingers through Fai’s hair. The strands were stiff and cold, dead from all those years of the princess growing her hair out and exposing them to frost and snow, but they were still soothing, for her and perhaps for Fai as well. She stayed like that for a while, as if it was a meditative process for her to soak in all that had happened in just these past few days.
Although the last fragments of her dream had told her that the ember spirits had been pacified for the moment, she was still unsure if she still had to continue trekking to the ruins of her homeland. For all she knew, the Kingdom of Ember was extremely dangerous, withered down to sunken rocks and molten lava - and if Fai’s health was directly tied to her frail kingdom was any indication, Kurogane would stand no chance if she dared cross feet on her own terrain. Perhaps she couldn’t risk ending her journey there anymore, but she still had time to think it through. For now, the general had to make do with Princess Fai’s outcome in mind.
Finally, she let go of Fai’s hair, letting long strands slip past her fingers before she carefully got out of the bed, making sure that the princess had as much warmth protecting her cold body as much as possible. Sure enough the blonde reacted from the absence of the general’s warmth. She shivered and curled into a fetal position, wrapping herself furthermore with her own cloak on top of the thick quilt. Without second thoughts, Kurogane retrieved her abandoned cloak from the ground and placed it on top of Fai, tucking it so that it hugged her cold body and then replaced the quilt over her. It was the least she could do as she set to prepare a meal.
Keeping the fire warm and high enough for Fai’s cauldron was still exhausting, but not as arduous as the time in the cave yesterday. The large fireplace was well designed to withstand the cold draught left in the shack. Kurogane roasted skewers of rabbit meat that she had caught, cleaned, and prepared a few days ago, while also simmering leftover soup she had found in Fai’s sack. These were all the remaining food supply they had left, much to her dismay, but nevertheless she felt it was important to sustain them with enough energy before their next course, whatever it may be. She remained crouched by the fireside cooking as the snowstorm howled outside of their shelter and as Fai slept, doing all she could to keep her mind focused on the present. After all, it seemed the worst was over for both of them, and she could afford to buy time to let Fai rest some more before feeding her.
She wasn’t entirely sure how much time had passed as it was still dark and dreary outside the frosty windowpanes, but the general kept busy tending to the food and fire. They were safe and that was what mostly mattered. Just as she turned the rabbit meat over once again, Kurogane heard a sound from the bed. And then, she heard a faint croak from Fai.
“Don’t…”
Fetching a spare bowl of warm water she had prepared and heated on the side, Kurogane walked over to the bed and kneeled by the princess side where she was still in a deep sleep, murmuring away. Cold beads of sweat perspired down her temples, which were at the very least a good sign her body was warming up healthily again. Kurogane wiped them away from Fai’s eyelids as gently as she could, just as the blonde whimpered in her dreams again.
“Please, don’t…”
“Shhhhh.”
With one hand she lifted Fai’s head and supported it, and with the other she pressed the bowl of water towards her mouth. Pale lips trembled in response to the touch and parted open, allowing Kurogane to slowly nourish her. Some of it dripped past her mouth, but she managed to swallow some, resulting in a rather loud gulp. Fresh tears poured out of closed eyelids again. Not knowing what else to do, Kurogane crept away from the princess’ bedside.
“Don’t leave me.”
“I’m not,” the general said immediately, rather alarmed.
Somehow, Fai managed to snatch Kurogane’s free wrist.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m not -”
“Don’t leave me…Chii.”
Oh.
Embarrassed, Kurogane freed herself from Fai’s limp grip and left the bedside, flushing. Of course Fai was still dreaming, not actually worrying about Kurogane leaving her for good like the remaining survivors of her kingdom. Not that Kurogane would ever just leave Fai in her state of vulnerability in the first place.
Still, she thought it was better to be safe than sorry. Having nothing else to do, Kurogane helped herself to a portion of the sweet soup Fai had concocted yesterday and dragged the chair next to the bed so she could eat while keeping guard over the snow princess’ health. For the next hour or so, the only sounds were those of Kurogane eating, the hearth cackling, wind howling outside, and the light, soft breathings from Fai. During that time the general continued to assess what will need to happen next when Fai finally woke up. Since she was able to save her, it was clear that it was also her responsibility to preserve the snow native’s life. That destiny was now in her hands, yet ultimately it was still up to Fai to choose.
Kurogane then hoped Fai chose that option, and not the other one.
Just as she helped herself to the last portion of the soup, Fai stirred awake. She set aside the now empty bottle, but simply remained on the tattered chair just in case. With what Kurogane had seen of Fai’s history through their shared dreams, she knew it wouldn’t be easy for Fai to accept her changed fate. Yet even so, she would just have to talk the princess through no matter what, for her life was her very own responsibility. It wasn’t quite the same as her pledged loyalty to protect Princess Tomoyo at all cost, but a promise was a promise.
Pale eyelids fluttered open and familiar crystal blue eyes slowly registered their surroundings. A gasp of pain and surprise followed as Fai struggled to prop herself up from the pillow.
“Don’t move.”
Fai fell back on her elbows and winced just as she acknowledged the general’s watchful presence.
“Lady Kurogane…”
Ignoring the princess’ customary address for her - or perhaps she was far more used to it by now - Kurogane helped Fai propped her head against the pillow.
“I’ll get some soup.”
“Why?” Fai said, puzzled.
“Because you’re still not well.”
Fai shook her head. “I can help myself.” She pushed, but as she tried to sit taller, her body caved in protest, causing her to fall back on the pillow.
“Look here,” Kurogane said, close to a growl.
She remembered blood on the snow, Fai frozen to the spot, turning blue and caving into hypothermia. That was worse than any condition Kurogane had ever been in, even in this dying kingdom, and it was exasperating to see Fai being so stubborn. Furious, Kurogane inched closer towards the bed and stared back at the princess sternly.
“Your body went through a lot yesterday to put up the snow for us. It’s a miracle we’re still alive. So put still while I’ll get soup.”
But instead of reassuring Fai that she would be in charge of helping her recuperate as she had hoped, the princess grimaced in anguish. Realizing what she had just said, rather bluntly, and how that would affect Fai, Kurogane regretted those words. In front of her eyes, Fai was trembling, badly.
“Why, why did you?”
“So sorry,” Kurogane blurted. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
Dropping all harsh pretenses, Kurogane slipped on the bed without preamble and held Fai’s shaking wrist, who surprisingly did not force her away. Fai bit on her lip, desperately looking left and right as if she was distracting herself from giving herself away from Kurogane. But it was too late. The general watched nearly helplessly as for the second time since they met Fai choked on her words.
“Why did you save me?”
She burst into tears, even wailed, as Kurogane stood there frozen, not knowing what to say or do as Fai cried into her chest. Nothing she could say would be mildly comforting, for she was not used to soothing others, like how Princess Tomoyo was for her growing up. So instead, she merely used her free hand and patted Fai’s back, even running her fingers through matted hair occasionally. Either Fai was lost in her grief or she didn’t mind at all, but Kurogane continued doing that, for she felt in a way it would help. But Fai was crying and that was good because she wasn’t holding back any secrets or her pains anymore, so Kurogane let her cry for some more until she caught some breaths and wiped her nose on her dress sleeves.
“After all I did to endanger you,” she said between sobs. “Why?”
“Because…” Kurogane untangled her fingers from long, wispy hair and curled them neatly into a relaxed fist, holding it by her side.
“Because in the end, you still saved my life. And that matters, so don’t you dare say anything otherwise.”
Fai slowly ceased weeping, pulling away so that Kurogane could see her better. Tears still clung to golden eyelashes. Kurogane swiped her thumbs around pale eyelids, wiping them away while her warm hands brought some warmth back to Fai’s cold cheeks. Blue eyes widen at her sudden kind and comforting gesture, to which Kurogane reacted by retreating her hand away, casting her own eyes sideway while flushing.
“Now you’re going to eat, whether you like it or not,” she said, but more so out of embarrassment.
Fai didn’t say anything, which she took it as a good sign. As she slipped off of the bed, Fai pulled the general’s cloak around her, reacting to the lack of Kurogane’s own warmth. The hearth was still going, but it had weakened over the course of time. She quickly regenerated it back to a healthier level to keep the entire shack warm, and then filled a bottle with soup, which she brought it back to Fai. Blowing the steam away, she settled back on the bed and held out the bottle, offering her assistance.
The princess struggled to hold back a small smile, but she succumbed. “So kind of you, like a true lady.”
“Stop it with the ‘lady’ remarks already,” Kurogane retorted. She, however, managed to suppress her own smile in return.
“Just eat.”
And eat Fai did. It still took some time as Kurogane had to judge how much to tip the bottle at a time so as to not flood Fai’s mouth and face with the hot content. As the princess drained the contents she saw warmth slowly returning to her face. Her eyes started welling again, but whether that was because she was still touched by all of Kurogane’s efforts or if it was because the soup was too hot, the general didn’t know. Either way, Fai managed to finish. Settling the bottle aside, Kurogane decided it was time to start getting into the heart of several matters.
“You put something in the soup, didn’t you,” she said.
“Yes,” Fai affirmed. “But it wasn’t what you would expect. It wasn’t a healing spell. I added some herbs then put a spell to enhance them. That’s why you were able to recover fast yesterday.
“You look surprised,” she said, noticing how Kurogane was speechless. “You’re probably wondering about something. Yes, it is true that every time I use my magic under this kingdom’s condition I am approaching closer to my own death. But I suppose I should be good. For now.”
If Fai had brought up this information the moment she was dying outside in the frigid snow, Kurogane would have been upset at the knowledge that the princess had put herself through much harm to help her. It still did bother her to an extent, but if anything, the dreams and the visitations from the spirits last night were assuring. And the thing was, it seemed that Fai understood that her self-deprecation and sacrifices had upset the general, so perhaps the snow native was already well on her way to forgiveness. Even if the road to forgiveness would be hard from what Kurogane imagined.
In a spell of silence, Fai glanced where the door was and fixed her eyes on it, not saying anything else for now. She frowned.
“Chii is gone.”
That surprised Kurogane.
“What happened to her?”
“The spell has been broken,” Fai said. “And I believe you know more than I can ever hope to hide.”
Snippets of the dream, of Fai’s memories resurfaced. In her mind, Kurogane saw young Fai procuring her first creature in the castle’s library, Fai bringing Chii with her to their new home, the princess ignoring her companion while she mourned for her knight, and then Fai crying into Chii’s fur the night she broke down after all those years. Chii - her confidante, her guiding companion, and the vassal of her late mother’s soul, as well as the source of the mysterious voice from last night.
“Your mother called to me.”
“Yes,” Fai’s lips started to tremble. She bit on them. “In my weakened state, I heard Mother’s voice calling out to me, to you. She showed you my past, everything in our dream. I didn’t want her to, but there was nothing I could do to stop her. I never wanted anyone to see the sins I have committed in my youth.”
In a narrow distance she saw Fai fighting to hold back tears, but the princess was still exhausted in her state, and so they fell, highlighting her sorrowful blue eyes.
“I don’t understand,” Fai whispered, choking. “Yesterday was supposed to be my last day of living in the physical world. Death was waiting for me, waiting to finalize the contract I made all those years ago to die with the kingdom. But then you showed up and I had to save you. I didn’t mean to keep you for that long, but before I knew it, I craved for more company. And as a result, I put you in harm’s way again. So I don’t get why…”
“That’s enough.”
Kurogane let out a disgruntled sigh and squeezed Fai’s shoulder.
“Look, I don’t know why she decided to show me all of your past, and I would never asked for it like that. It wasn’t any of my business and it isn’t up to me to judge you. But she did, and I was able to save you anyways.”
There was a catch in the blonde’s breath as the general gave her a stern but sympathetic look.
“But now I understand why you never wanted me or anyone else to find out your past. You were afraid that I wouldn’t ever forgive you and hate you, the way you’d hated yourself for what had happened to your people, and for holding me back and endangering my life and yours, when all this time you did what you did because you were lonely.”
At the affirmation of her true feelings that she had been holding back all those years and all that very long day yesterday, the princess wept violently. But it was healthy, it was cathartic for her, and Fai had no reason to hold back her pain anymore, being so open and vulnerable, trusting the general, so Kurogane let her cry against her chest once more because she knew things could only progress for the better from here. When her crying subsided, Fai spoke once more.
“All this time, I only had one wish. Even though I was bound to remain isolated in my kingdom until our deaths were aligned as a bargain and punishment, I still wanted companionship, more than just from Chii and the snow spirits and the beauty of my homeland. It grieved me beyond words to not be able to spare anyone from the wretched curse this world was put in because of what had happened. So when I was able to save you from death and nursed you back to health, talk to you and even smile as if I wasn’t going to die in a matter of hours, I thought that at the very least I could die feeling so warm and happy at last.”
As Fai let out a weary sigh, Kurogane’s mind wandered back to that harrowing moment when Fai was caving into her severe hypothermia, expressing at last her true feelings of being happy to have met her. At that time the general was at a loss for all that was going on, but moved. And now, after all she had seen, after all she had heard coming from Fai’s words, something soothing stirred deep within her. She couldn’t pinpoint what it really was, but it reminded her of home and comfort, of the late nights in her childhood when Princess Tomoyo calmed her when she had nightmares. Love may be what she was feeling. Not like how she loved her princess as a mother matron and master, nor her past relationships with other guards, but it was there, and as strange as she had known Fai for only two days, she felt it was just as natural as anything else.
“The last thing I dreamed was Mother saying goodbye to me and leaving me for good, saying that it’s time for me to let go and move on because someone will take care of me. And then - I woke up, not realizing that I had lived until you were there, too. You have to understand, Lady Kurogane, that I never would have thought that I would survive. I still - I still don’t know how to react or what to do or even...”
“It’s alright,” Kurogane said. She went to wipe away the tear stains from Fai’s face again, much accustomed to it.
“You told me yesterday that the ember spirits watched over me when I got stranded, and came to my rescue when I fell before blanking out. Perhaps the snow spirits wanted the same for you, too.”
“It can’t be,” Fai protested, faintly shaking her head. “Once I made my word to stay until my very last breath, they put the seal on me.”
“Just listen for a moment,” Kurogane said, in near exasperation. Fai stopped, startled.
“Maybe you weren’t able to remember this part of the dream - if I could even call it a dream. But towards the end, I saw you. You were about to freeze to death, but I managed to free you. And when I did, I heard all of the spirits sighing in relief. You know more about the connections between us humans and the elements more than I could ever know, but I feel like what just happened then, what happened this whole time, was something that ultimately helped set them and us free. So no matter what either of us wanted, the spirits told us something. Something clear to me as soon as I woke up.”
Realization dawned on Fai. Blue eyes widened, letting Kurogane know that she was beginning to accept all of this. One pale hand clutched tighter on the general’s clothing as Kurogane closed their distance at last by wrapping on arm around Fai and embraced her.
“They wanted us to live, Princess.”
“I…see.” Fai rested her head on Kurogane’s shoulder. “That’s why all of the other spirits are no longer here, just like Chii. I don’t hear or feel their presence anymore.”
Kurogane found her fingers resting lightly around Fai’s hair but then stopped. At the very least, she was relieved that Fai was taking all of this as well as she could in spite of all that had happened to her.
“You know, I still don’t get why she attacked me outside of the cave that night.”
“Oh that?” Fai said, breaking into a smile that nearly took Kurogane’s breath away. The general caught herself, however, and simply waited for her answer.
“I guess I should apologize first. When I told you that I was away when Chii attacked you, it was a lie. I was still inside the cavern, upholding my spell in hopes of guiding you to safety.”
Kurogane nodded, remembering the last bit of the dream where Fai struggled to help her out in spite of Chii’s warning. Fai continued.
“Chii isn’t any name I came up with. Chii means ‘mother guardian’ in my people’s ancient tongue. As much as I am the creator of Chii, she hosted my mother’s spirit at times in need. So when you arrived at the cavern’s mouth, bearing your mother’s sacred torch, my mother overtook Chii completely. And before I knew it, she was outside, attacking you, because she only meant to protect me and discover who you really were. Once she and I saw your torch burning sporadically like that, we knew you were the lost heir of the Kingdom of Ember. I never thought about it until now, but I think all along, Mother thought you would be the one to save me, even when I was resigned to my fate all these years.”
By then Fai was choking on tears. She rubbed them away immediately, laughing even.
“I’m sorry. I can’t stop crying. You really have no idea how much all of you have done means to me.”
“Maybe I can’t fully understand,” Kurogane said, feeling her cheeks flare again. “But I mean - I couldn’t just leave you out there.”
“I think I accept that by now, Lady Kurogane,” she said, warmth returning to her voice at last. “I just don’t know how I can ever pay you back.”
“You got to stop thinking like that,” Kurogane admonished, cutting off Fai once again. “Honestly, as long as you’re alive, that’s good enough for me. But there’s something else that I was thinking about.”
Maybe, maybe now was the time to bring this up, what she had in mind the entire time she waited for Fai to wake up.
“Yes?”
“I was wondering - maybe you would come with me back to the Land of the Lotus Blossoms. Princess Tomoyo, who I serve as you know, will welcome you with open arms. Her people will, too. It might be too of a sudden, but staying here would do you no good. But as much as you were able to live because of me and your spirits, it is solely up to you to decide what you want to do.”
There, she had finally said it. All along Kurogane thought it would be best if Fai came with her. The Princess of Snow would have to leave her homeland forever and immerse herself into the greater world, not to mention adopt a new place completely foreign to her as her home. For the first time in many years, Fai would be surrounded by people everywhere, who were safe and were not at the mercy of nature, dying brutally by the numbers. Such a culture shock and exposure to a thriving society of living and breathing people would most likely impose a lot of pain and unease for her. But in Kurogane’s mind, it was the best course for Fai’s fate. And now, it was up to Fai to choose.
“I…”
Words failed to surface for Fai. Her mouth was left hanging open, speechless at the general’s offer. The invitation to go to Kurogane’s homeland was not something to take lightly, and Kurogane understood that Fai wouldn’t take her words as easily. She would be patient to hear what Fai had to say. But regardless, she stood by her offer.
“Do you really want me to stay with you?”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Kurogane said hotly. “I mean - yeah, we could see each other in the province at least, but you know, so long as you come along that would be good enough -”
“There’s really no need to make that much of a fuss, Lady Kurogane,” Fai said rather coolly. However, there was a hint of slyness in her sharp retort, which caused the general to flush even harder than she already was. Kurogane cleared her throat.
“I guess, I mean.” She forced down the funny feeling in her stomach.
“Yeah.”
She counted to ten silently in her head. Within that short amount of time, she expected Fai to laugh and tease her furthermore. Or even worse, feel ashamed and crippled and then withdraw into self-deprecation again, refusing to even consider the notion of going back to the Land of the Lotus Blossoms with her. But instead Kurogane felt a head over her shoulder and arms wrapped tightly around her waist. Touched by the princess’ embrace, the general ran a hand through long hair once more.
“My mother always wanted to protect me no matter what even after she died to hold up the kingdom. She never left me to perish on my own, until today when I was able to survive and let her and all of the snow spirits rest in peace for eternity. Now that I am no longer under the service of anyone, living or dead, I won’t let my life and hopes be thrown away so easily. Not anymore.”
By then, she was sobbing.
“So I want to. I want to go with you. I never want to be alone or abandoned ever again.”
“I understand,” Kurogane said. She was relieved. There were no regrets. All was at ease and everything urgent was settled for the better. “And you won’t be this time.”
Fai then let go of Kurogane, rubbing at her eyes, smiling.
“I don’t know how I - words can’t express just how much I’m feeling right now. So thank you, on behalf of my people and myself, with all of my heart.”
For a brief moment, Kurogane drank in Fai’s words of gratitude and then let go of pale yellow strands.
“Good. Soon as you heal enough and pack up everything you need, we’re heading out of this blizzard. It’s best if we stop by the Land of the Cherry Blossoms first and rest there, then continue further south until we reach my homeland. Think you’ll be fine travelling for at least three months?”
“It will not be easy,” Fai said, still resting among the pillow, “but I will manage. After all, I have been able to survive in this barren land for years.”
“True,” Kurogane affirmed.
Letting the course of their emotional exchange die down, the general went to the fireplace, where the meat jerky was still roasting. The flames had been dying down, owing to her absence from it while tending to Fai. She set to make it roar back to life, the warmth tickling her cold hands and heating the entire shack. Meanwhile she heard Fai slowly getting out. It was miraculous how much energy the princess still had in her. After all, her body caved into the previous day. Perhaps the spirits had lent her more energy over the course of last night, and then there was also the heat that Kurogane fought to transfer as well.
“Hey, don’t push yourself.”
Fai laughed. “I’ll be fine.”
But then she doubled over, clasping at her rib. Kurogane was about to leave the fireside without any second thoughts, but right away the princess supported herself on the table, panting heavily but still beaming.
“See?”
Kurogane shook her head in part disapproval and part amusement. She then busied herself back to finish cooking the meat, which will be substantial for their next meal when they safely leave the borders of this kingdom. Fai went around gathering all of her own supplies that were stashed in the nooks and crannies of the shack. She moved about slowly and in pain, but it eased Kurogane that the princess was in remarkably good spirits.
It was admirable in a way, for someone like Fai who had lived nearly her whole life in resignation to severe loneliness and deep remorse to turn her attitude around and embrace a second chance at life and hope. When she thought about it, it wasn’t just Kurogane’s pursuit to save her that enabled her to live. There was more to it. It was the princess’ own strength, deep within layers of sadness and despair that had ultimately changed her fate.
Once the meat was fully cooked and packed safely among everything else in her sack, Kurogane went to check on Fai, who was also finishing up retrieving her items. There weren’t much left in the shack to begin with, and Kurogane traced it to the fact that Fai had simply known that her days were dwindling now. Of course now that had been altered dramatically. Kurogane hoped Fai’s severe shortage of supplies would not jeopardize her health than it already had been all these years. Spring was coming soon, so food in the greater world should become abundant. Other necessities such as healing supplies and the like would have to be replenished as soon as they arrived in the Land of the Cherry Blossoms.
Just as Kurogane secured on her armor and thick cloak, she saw Fai approaching her. She too had put on her beloved white cloak adorned with blue intricate patterns.
“May I borrow your dagger?”
Kurogane raised her eyebrows. “Why?”
“I need it for something important that I must do before I embark on our journey,” Fai said firmly. There was her serious tone again. As Kurogane assessed her, she noticed nothing but coolness in those crystal blue eyes. She sighed and withdrew her dagger from her belt, pulling it out of the sheath.
“Thank you,” the princess said.
She retreated to the fireplace, where she dropped her large hood. Bit by bit, Fai pulled her long hair out from its hiding place, gathering as much as she could in one hand and holding the dagger towards it with the other. She was going to cut it all off.
In awe and wonder, Kurogane witnessed Fai running the prized dagger through her hair, until the last of the strands were cut through. All at once, bundles of sun silk hair dropped to the floor, revealing the back of her neck. No longer weighed down with it, Fai turned around, her hair now above her shoulder and framing her face. She smiled upon seeing Kurogane’s stunned expression.
“I suppose Lady Kurogane thinks this makes me look livelier?” she said in that old, familiar lilting voice. Kurogane balked, turning pink. Fai laughed.
“You see, it is custom for the ruler who has stepped down from the throne to severe their hair, which they have grown since they inherited it. The heavy weight and length represent all of the spirits that have come before them and how they are chained to uphold our holy element and our people. Once they are no longer bound to our holy element and divine spirits, they must cut off their hair as a symbol of the liberation from their duties.”
She returned to the general’s side and handed back the dagger, which Kurogane sheathed back in her belt.
“So before we leave my beloved homeland, I needed to do this, for I am no longer chained to the spirits and our holy element. And I must say it does feels…nice.”
“And convenient too,” Kurogane added, finally finding something to say. Fai seemed pleased at her remark and proceeded to pull the hood back over her head. She was still smiling slyly at her.
“What?”
“Oh nothing,” Fai said. “Except that you seem positively back to your usual self, Lady Kurogane.”
She scowled, which only confirmed Fai’s observation. “Yeah - well you, too. So stop saying things like that.”
But regardless, Fai was receiving her warmly, truly for the first time. It was a new feeling, something that Kurogane liked. She hoped it would stay like that from now on.
“I guess it’s time to say goodbye to this place,” Fai said. She pulled up her hood. “You may light your torch.”
And Kurogane did. With the fireplace snuffed out, they left the shack. This was it. There was no going back, and this time, Fai had her heart set on a new future just as much as Kurogane.
The blizzard was still fierce, but miraculously not as severe as yesterday when Fai collapsed and Kurogane hurried them both to shelter with the assistance of Chii. Fai stared at the direction where the border lied and concentrated, drawing a circle in the air and reciting the powerful spell one last time. Using the magic overwhelmed her, causing her to tumble. Kurogane caught her promptly, scowling but concerned. The princess assured her she would be alright, which the general relented. With that said, she raised her torch and together they stepped in tandem, following the clear path Fai’s spell had carved for them.
Who knew, Kurogane thought, that two days ago she was on the way to the ruins of the Kingdom of Ember. But after getting lost in the perimeters of the Kingdom of Snow, maneuvering her way to the cavern and nearly freezing to death in the process, and meeting the last survivor of this land, nothing turned out as she had thought it would months ago when she prepared her trip with Princess Tomoyo. Now, she was going to return to home sweet home, with Fai in tow with her. She would introduce her to her princess’ audience and explain to her matron mother in private her desire to welcome Fai to her new home. Surely nothing would ever be quite the same.
And yet, Kurogane felt more at peace than ever since she started having those feverish nightmares.
“Lady Kurogane?”
She could barely hear her new travelling companion in the howling wind.
“Yeah?”
“I am aware that you were planning to visit your place of origin, the neighboring Kingdom of Ember. I know it was really important to you to tend to your mission. However, I’m afraid once we leave this place the route to it will be blocked off. Or we will have to take a more dangerous path, and I’m not sure if it will be safe for either of us. I’m afraid all of it is due to my actions, and I -”
“Didn’t I tell you earlier to stop blaming yourself like that?” Kurogane yelled, against the harsh winds.
“I know,” Fai yelled back, “but I still feel bad that you weren’t able to see your native place.”
“Yeah, I thought about it. But there’s no need to anymore. I used to dream that the ember spirits were at unrest, which was why I had to go there in the first place. But now that they are at peace it’s fine. Besides, we need to take you to the Land of the Cherry Blossoms first. Now, no more talking or else we’ll get defeated by the snow again.”
For the rest of the trek towards the border they were silent. Fai kept the spell at bay the best she could while Kurogane harnessed the power of her torch for them to see well ahead. The walk was not as arduous as the previous days, which they owed it to them being further away from the center of the kingdom, but it was still grueling nonetheless. Both of them were still battling exhaustion from the previous day, and so they leaned against each other for support. Kurogane was glad to get out of this place, but she couldn’t say if it was the same for Fai. Once they got out of there she would have to check on the princess.
Bit by bit, the furious snow started to lessen, and the wind started to quiet down. It even grew lighter the further they went down south. The prospect of seeing some greenery - tufts of grass and new flower buds poking through snow, and the sounds of animals instilled strength in the general. It had felt like an eternity since she last saw life, aside from Fai. She knew how much it would mean for the princess to see the wonders of thriving nature again.
And then finally, they reached the border. Together, they crossed the other side, and stepped out of harm’s way.
Kurogane lowered her torch. She helped Fai over to a large boulder on the ground, where they sat down, both panting for breath. The general then reached for her water pouch, which she helped herself to some before passing it to the princess. It was now past mid-afternoon, judging from the location of the sunlight in the much clearer sky.
“How are you feeling, Princess, now that we have left the Kingdom of Snow for good?”
Fai paused from drinking. “It’s overwhelming.”
She couldn’t hide her somber expression, however.
“It is never easy to leave the land I call my home, the land I love so much. But like I have expressed to you once, Lady Kurogane, I know everything will be alright. Even if my kingdom now lies in ruin for eternity, and my people and I are forever gone, the connection between the element and us will never truly fade away. For as long as there is snow and as long as I am alive, I will always feel that connection. It is everywhere, the same one that bounded my beloved mother to our holy element, and my ancestors before her.”
Just then, dark clouds rolled in. Sheets of snow fell softly from the sky, unlike the harsh and steady onslaught in the kingdom that now lie in ruins behind them. Kurogane watched as Fai held out her hand, letting snowflakes drop and melt in her thick gloves. Some landed on her golden eyelashes, where tears coalesced. Fai blinked them back and stood up. She walked closer to an evergreen tree. It stood tall and firm in their surroundings, green branches peeking out and teemed with life. Fai brushed against the thick bark, feeling it, reveling in its lively majesty. Finally, she dropped her hood and began to explore the rest of the scenery around them while Kurogane remained in her spot on the boulder.
She slowly spun in a circle, admiring the wilderness. Blue eyes widen in awe as she took in the breathtaking view of the ground, the trees, and the expanse of the horizon where peeks of sunlight still filtered through the dark clouds. For the first time in a while, there was true liveliness in her eyes. Kurogane was reminded of that time when they were leaving the cave and Fai was unusually radiant. And now Fai was fully lively. She scanned the perimeters one last time, let out a nice, long breath.
“It’s beautiful,” Fai remarked.
And just like when she was a young girl, happy and warm and loved, the Princess of Snow spread her arms out and twirled under the falling snowflakes, dancing with her beloved element. Snow was not harming anyone anymore - it was there, falling, nourishing the earth with water supply, following a natural cycle. All was not lost for Fai as Kurogane reveled in the joy the scenery brought to the princess.
So enchanting it was that for a moment it seemed like there was no other worries. But then it was getting late, and they had to walk further before Kurogane could locate an abandoned cabin she remembered from her earlier trek where they could camp for the night. It was a shame she had to stop Fai from her moment of peace and happiness, but there really was no way out of it.
She stood up and walked to where Fai was, lost in her state of blissful revelry, and gently placed a hand on her arm.
“Yes, Lady Kurogane?” she said, smiling, cheeks flushed pink from the cold, but never had Kurogane seen Fai look so positively happy and radiating until now.
The general smiled back.
“Let’s go home.”