Breaking Dawn: Chapter 10 - Why Didn't I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I'm An Idiot.
Projection Room Voices: Ready to start?
ZeldaQueen: One second. MAJORA!
Majora: You bellowed?
ZeldaQueen: Get in here, you have a chapter of sporking to make up. Where were you during our last sporking anyway?
Majora: I was experiencing some technical difficulties with my new body after partaking in the snacks which left me occupied. I believe you humans refer to it as a "bowl movement".
ZeldaQueen: Right, sorry I asked. Anyway, you're helping me spork this chapter before you're off the hook.
Majora: Very well. Proceed.
Projection Room Voices: Playing Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 10 - Why Didn't I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I'm An Idiot.
ZeldaQueen: No arguments there.
Majora: I am still fairly unfamiliar with this thing you call literature, but chapter titles are usually limited to one sentence, are they not?
ZeldaQueen: Indeed they usually are. Meyer's apparently too good for that though. Plus she's trying to make Jacob sound snarky and tough. All right then, let's get started! *cracks knuckles* We left off with Edward angsting to Jake about how Bella was dying from her demon fetus and was being protected by Rosalie so Carlisle couldn't just drug her and force her to have an abortion. Really. Edward also tells Jacob that if he - Jacob - can convince Bella to get an abortion, then Jacob has Edward's blessing to sleep with Bella and get her pregnant with a safer child.
Majora: My, these people have terrible values. Are they really supposed to be the protagonists.
ZeldaQueen: Meyer seems to think that these are the Ultimate Men. She's apparently told her husband that if one of them came to the door, she'd leave with them in a second.
Majora: And her husband has not become fed up with this? How very peculiar the power of human love is...
ZeldaQueen: Probably more the power of money she's raking in.
Majora: Ah, that I can understand.
ZeldaQueen: No, you understand manipulating people for your own amusement. Anyway, Jacob is feeling very embarrassed about the whole thing, "Instead of being the A/V dweeb about to ask the head cheerleader to the prom, I was the finished-second-place werewolf about to ask the vampire's wife to shack up and procreate. Nice."
Majora: That analysis makes no sense. How does asking a girl out on a date equate with asking a married woman for sex?
ZeldaQueen: Well you see in this bizarre universe, what would normally be casual teenage dating is blown into Eternal Love and Fast Marriage That Of Course Lasts. In any case, it's more like a Universal monster movie crossover with a harlequin novel, with a rebel-without-a-clue werewolf greaser trying to steal the useless and overly dramatic wive of an angsty and abusive vampire away. Still, at least Jacob has the sense to realize how sick the deal is and decides to forget about it. And while I hate how idiotic he's been acting for most of this section, he does score a few points for apparently being the only sane person who realizes that the plan is nasty. He still decides to try to talk to Bella about giving up the baby which I'd normally think is pretty sensible too given how taxing on her health it is, but it also annoys me when taking into account that Jake was the one who suggested a forced abortion in the first place.
Majora: I don't see what they're complaining about. When I was worshiped, virgins were regularly impregnated with my spawn and they all turned out fine. Sure there was the issue of the glowing red eyes and speaking in tongues, but still...
ZeldaQueen: Yes, well the tribe that worshiped you also sacrificed chickens while dancing what appeared to be the Hockey Pokey, so no accounting for tastes. Back to the story, Edward has the rest of the family leave the room and Bella freaks out when Edward implies that she's afraid of him and Carlisle.
Majora: It is my experience that one does not require a body guard unless one really is afraid of something.
ZeldaQueen: And we get this priceless quote: "Sickening. He was right-she was beating herself up about hurting his feelings. The girl was a classic martyr. She'd totally been born in the wrong century. She should have lived back when she could have gotten herself fed to some lions for a good cause."
Majora: Well certainly not in the century when I was being worshiped! A whiny child like her wouldn't have been looked at twice as a decent sacrifice. I liked girls who went with a bit of dignity, thank you very much!
ZeldaQueen: Spot on. And yet again, we get an example of the guys seeing Bella as something she's not. Yes Jacob, it's sickening. Sickening that she is so worked up over someone getting the idea that she's afraid of Edward when she clearly is afraid, to some degree. She certainly seemed afraid that he'd force an abortion on her - which is also pretty sensible of her, hard as that is to say - or else she wouldn't be bothering with Rosalie! Plus, I find it just plain arrogant that Meyer is comparing Bella's angsting to classic martyrs, not to mention the fact that apparently martyrs are only in the past centuries. What, don't we get any in this day and age? How disappointing. And Meyer? I believe you're referring to the Roman Gladiator fights - which is the only old fed-to-lions thing I can think of - in which case, that is not a source of martyrdom. Unless you think that all of those fighters wound up getting the Gladiator treatment, "is Rome worth the life of one man" and all of that.
Majora: Hmm, we get some of Jacob talking to Bella about everything.
ZeldaQueen: I have to admit, this little bit is kind of a relief. Given how wolf boy's been nothing but "kill all Cullens!" for the past few chapters, it's nice to see him talking quietly and not angsting so much. And...wait a minute.
“'Did you know that 'I told you so' has a brother, Jacob?' she asked, cutting me off. 'His name is 'Shut the hell up.''
'Good one.'
She grinned at me. Her skin stretched tight over the bones. 'I can't take credit-I got it off a rerun of The Simpsons.'"
ZeldaQueen: *blinks* Really Meyer? Your oh-so-deep and mature heroine is lying on what seems to be her deathbed and you're having her use jokes from The Simpsons? That's just -
Majora: Hey, the Canon Telecommunicator is ringing.
ZeldaQueen: Huh, so it is. *answers it* Hello?
Mr. Burns: Yes, this Mr. Burns.
ZeldaQueen: Oh hey! What can I do for -
Mr. Burns: What is the meaning of this? I just received word that my lines are being quoted by a daft girl in a soppy romance novel! I am insulted! How did this happen?
ZeldaQueen: Well, I can only assume that Stephanie Meyer is a fan...
Mr. Burns: Oh wonderful, our demographic has reached Mormon housewives. Whatever shall we find out next? Hmm? What's that? *voices heard offscreen* No Smithers, I will not calm down! I have every right to be angry about this! *voices offscreen* Yes, well it's very kind of you to worry but my heart condition is of no consequence. I had it removed years ago, the silly thing was always a liability.
ZeldaQueen: Listen, I've got a sporking to get back to so unless you'd care to help out, please bugger off.
Mr. Burns: Bah, what use have I for this "sporking" nonsense? A game for poor lowlives to squander their time with. No, I have more noble pursuits worthy of me, which I must return to. Smithers! Is my solid gold lavatory polished yet?
*Canon Telecommunicator logged off*
ZeldaQueen: Huh. Well anyway, Jacob quickly loses those points he earned because he starts going on to the audience about how talking to Bella is like taking a drug to him and every minute was making it harder to leave. Bella is all goofily cheerful and goes on about how she believes in magic by this point oy and insists that Jacob has some "magic" waiting for him via imprinting which she compares to A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Majora: Imprinting is the brainwashing and forcing of love, correct?
ZeldaQueen: Yes. I've already gone over how sick and wrong it is. Suffice to say though, given how stupid Bella is, it's no wonder she thinks that all of Jake's problems will be solved through imprinting. For his part, he hates the idea of forced love which is fine except that I'm still certain that this good point will be tossed out the window by the book's end. Care to bet on that with me?
Majora: Sorry, I've still got payments due for this body. I can't really afford to gamble and anyway, why should I take a bet I know I'm going to lose?
ZeldaQueen: Good point. Oh, and it seems that Bella has this magnificent plan to survive the birth of her demon baby: she will survive long enough to give birth and then be vampirized. Because of course no one in this book will be having silly things like sacrifices to complicate things. Nope. Oh, and apparently no one can figure out what sex the baby is because there is a membrane that is too hard for an ultrasound to get through. Ignoring the fact that I'm pretty sure that there are no membranes involved with a fetus, is that really how sonograms work? I honestly can't say for certain seeing as I have little experience in childbirth and pregnancy, but it really sounds wrong to me. Anyway, if the "membrane" is so hard that ultrasound can't penetrate it, how the freak does the baby come out? What happens to the super-hard membrane after? Meyer, please stop making up things about human biology!
Majora: Well the baby itself seems to be quite strong. It says here that the baby starts kicking and she gets bruises as a result.
ZeldaQueen: Lovely. Her husband shows abusive signs and now her own baby is beating her up. And we get this infuriating line: "It's me. I'm just weak and human. But I can tough this out, Jake, I can-" WEAK AND HUMAN MEYER? CAN YOU DRIVE THE "HUMANS SUCK" THEME ANY DEEPER IN THERE? NOT ONLY ARE YOU SAYING THAT BELLA'S WEAK, BUT YOU'RE HAVING HER MAKE IT SYNONYMOUS WITH HUMAN. WHAT THE HECK? NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT ONCE MORE, SHE'S ACTING LIKE IT'S HER OWN FAULT THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS HURTING HER!
Majora: Erm...
ZeldaQueen: *pants furiously* You take over reading!
Majora: Right. So we get Jacob starting to actually begin to ease into the topic of her aborting the baby to have a new one, because evidently he gave up on the silly idea that it was twisted and wrong. Bella figures out what he's going for and takes it surprisingly well. If I were in her place, I'd strike him with lighting. Or at least scream a bit at Edward for the idea. She still refuses and Jake goes running off to tell the pack all that he saw.
ZeldaQueen: And we see the pack's reaction.
Majora: Hey, I was reading!
ZeldaQueen: Tough beans. I want to rant for a second:
"At first their anger was undefined, and I thought I was in for it. I was too messed up to care about that. They could do whatever they wanted to me for circumventing orders.
And then the unfocused confusion of thoughts began to move together.
How can this be? What does it mean? What will it be?
Not safe. Not right. Dangerous.
Unnatural. Monstrous. An abomination.
We can't allow it.
...
The treaty does not cover this.
This puts everyone in danger.
...
They fear it, too.
But they won't do anything about it.
Protecting Bella Swan.
We can't let that influence us.
The safety of our families, of everyone here, is more important than one human.
If they won't kill it, we have to.
Protect the tribe.
Protect our families.
We have to kill it before it's too late."
ZeldaQueen: Yet again, I feel the need to point out that these are teenage boys. Some of them just started hunting and most of them haven't even been wolves for a year. Why are they talking like this? They're talking like the Na'vi in Avatar or something! Seriously, do you know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of those bad Harry Potter fanfics where everyone starts acting like they're thirty instead of sixteen. For those of you who remember HP canon, the teenagers didn't act like this, even when they were faced with danger and were hunting down things. They talked casually, they bickered and swore, and they didn't act like a group of elders in a myth or something!
Majora: May I continue?
ZeldaQueen: Proceed.
Majora: Well, Jacob panics at the thought of them attacking the demon baby because of course that would mean killing Bella. So basically the pack is finally doing what he wanted them to do originally, but now he only protests because Bella will be in danger. They instantly begin plotting on how to kill the Cullens to stop the evil fetus. Leah points out that Bella is dying anyway and they will only be helping her go faster. Jacob goes to attack and Sam breaks it up. He then says "You will not be cruel to him, Leah, he commanded her. Bella's sacrifice is a heavy price, and we will all recognize that."
ZeldaQueen: *nastily* Yes of course! Because it's the wonderful Bella Swan, everybody must say a prayer and kiss her toes for all of this. Seriously, did none of them glean that Esme and Rosalie are the only two who actually support Bella's decision? And Sam has balls telling Leah not to be cruel to Jacob of all people, considering how nasty he is to her over losing her fiance. Good God. I'm taking over.
Majora: Suit yourself.
ZeldaQueen: Seth is the only other wolf bothered by all of this and tries to talk Sam out of it. Sam orders him to follow instructions and Seth is literally forced to lie on the ground from the order. Sam then tells which wolf will fight which Cullen: Jacob, Quil, and Embry are assigned to take on Jasper and Emmett - the fighters, Paul, Jared, and Sam will fight Edward and Rosalie, and Brady, Collin, Seth (the three newest and youngest wolves), and Leah will take Carlisle, Esme, and Alice - the three vampires who are seen as the weakest. *screams*
Majora: Perhaps you're reading too far into it?
ZeldaQueen: Read -
"He saw Jasper as the second-greatest opponent, which is why he'd given him to me. He knew that I had the best chance of any of the pack to win that fight. He'd left the easiest targets for the younger wolves and Leah. Little Alice was no danger without her future vision to guide her, and we knew from our time of alliance that Esme was not a fighter. Carlisle would be more of a challenge, but his hatred of violence would hinder him."
Majora: How is it that a female author is so sexist and misogynistic?
ZeldaQueen: Oh ho ho, this is just the beginning for Leah-bashing.
Majora: I believe I will be giving those chapters a skip. As evil as I am, even I dislike gender stereotyping. Equal opportunity of the sexes, that's my motto. Why, male virgins are just as good for sacrifices as female ones!
ZeldaQueen: How very progressive. Jacob starts to realize that he was wrong to want to murder the Cullens gee, you think? Sam tells him to get his act together and get over it, he's going to fight whether he wants to or not. The chapter ends with Sam forcing Jacob to lie on the ground to "perform [his] obligation" while Jacob remembers that "no member of the pack can refuse the Alpha" and if that isn't slash subtext, I don't know what is.
ZeldaQueen: Now was that so bad?
Majora: That was alarmingly boring. Please don't make me do another in this section.
ZeldaQueen: God, you people are wusses. Go off and take a break, I'll think about it.
Majora: Thank you. I believe the sporking has brought upon the urge to - oh what's that word? Vomit, that's it.
Onward to: Chapter 11: The Two Things At The Very Top Of My Things-I-Never-Want-To-Do List
Back to: Chapter 9: Sure As Hell Didn't See That One Coming
Return to: Table of Contents
ZeldaQueen: One second. MAJORA!
Majora: You bellowed?
ZeldaQueen: Get in here, you have a chapter of sporking to make up. Where were you during our last sporking anyway?
Majora: I was experiencing some technical difficulties with my new body after partaking in the snacks which left me occupied. I believe you humans refer to it as a "bowl movement".
ZeldaQueen: Right, sorry I asked. Anyway, you're helping me spork this chapter before you're off the hook.
Majora: Very well. Proceed.
Projection Room Voices: Playing Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 10 - Why Didn't I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I'm An Idiot.
ZeldaQueen: No arguments there.
Majora: I am still fairly unfamiliar with this thing you call literature, but chapter titles are usually limited to one sentence, are they not?
ZeldaQueen: Indeed they usually are. Meyer's apparently too good for that though. Plus she's trying to make Jacob sound snarky and tough. All right then, let's get started! *cracks knuckles* We left off with Edward angsting to Jake about how Bella was dying from her demon fetus and was being protected by Rosalie so Carlisle couldn't just drug her and force her to have an abortion. Really. Edward also tells Jacob that if he - Jacob - can convince Bella to get an abortion, then Jacob has Edward's blessing to sleep with Bella and get her pregnant with a safer child.
Majora: My, these people have terrible values. Are they really supposed to be the protagonists.
ZeldaQueen: Meyer seems to think that these are the Ultimate Men. She's apparently told her husband that if one of them came to the door, she'd leave with them in a second.
Majora: And her husband has not become fed up with this? How very peculiar the power of human love is...
ZeldaQueen: Probably more the power of money she's raking in.
Majora: Ah, that I can understand.
ZeldaQueen: No, you understand manipulating people for your own amusement. Anyway, Jacob is feeling very embarrassed about the whole thing, "Instead of being the A/V dweeb about to ask the head cheerleader to the prom, I was the finished-second-place werewolf about to ask the vampire's wife to shack up and procreate. Nice."
Majora: That analysis makes no sense. How does asking a girl out on a date equate with asking a married woman for sex?
ZeldaQueen: Well you see in this bizarre universe, what would normally be casual teenage dating is blown into Eternal Love and Fast Marriage That Of Course Lasts. In any case, it's more like a Universal monster movie crossover with a harlequin novel, with a rebel-without-a-clue werewolf greaser trying to steal the useless and overly dramatic wive of an angsty and abusive vampire away. Still, at least Jacob has the sense to realize how sick the deal is and decides to forget about it. And while I hate how idiotic he's been acting for most of this section, he does score a few points for apparently being the only sane person who realizes that the plan is nasty. He still decides to try to talk to Bella about giving up the baby which I'd normally think is pretty sensible too given how taxing on her health it is, but it also annoys me when taking into account that Jake was the one who suggested a forced abortion in the first place.
Majora: I don't see what they're complaining about. When I was worshiped, virgins were regularly impregnated with my spawn and they all turned out fine. Sure there was the issue of the glowing red eyes and speaking in tongues, but still...
ZeldaQueen: Yes, well the tribe that worshiped you also sacrificed chickens while dancing what appeared to be the Hockey Pokey, so no accounting for tastes. Back to the story, Edward has the rest of the family leave the room and Bella freaks out when Edward implies that she's afraid of him and Carlisle.
Majora: It is my experience that one does not require a body guard unless one really is afraid of something.
ZeldaQueen: And we get this priceless quote: "Sickening. He was right-she was beating herself up about hurting his feelings. The girl was a classic martyr. She'd totally been born in the wrong century. She should have lived back when she could have gotten herself fed to some lions for a good cause."
Majora: Well certainly not in the century when I was being worshiped! A whiny child like her wouldn't have been looked at twice as a decent sacrifice. I liked girls who went with a bit of dignity, thank you very much!
ZeldaQueen: Spot on. And yet again, we get an example of the guys seeing Bella as something she's not. Yes Jacob, it's sickening. Sickening that she is so worked up over someone getting the idea that she's afraid of Edward when she clearly is afraid, to some degree. She certainly seemed afraid that he'd force an abortion on her - which is also pretty sensible of her, hard as that is to say - or else she wouldn't be bothering with Rosalie! Plus, I find it just plain arrogant that Meyer is comparing Bella's angsting to classic martyrs, not to mention the fact that apparently martyrs are only in the past centuries. What, don't we get any in this day and age? How disappointing. And Meyer? I believe you're referring to the Roman Gladiator fights - which is the only old fed-to-lions thing I can think of - in which case, that is not a source of martyrdom. Unless you think that all of those fighters wound up getting the Gladiator treatment, "is Rome worth the life of one man" and all of that.
Majora: Hmm, we get some of Jacob talking to Bella about everything.
ZeldaQueen: I have to admit, this little bit is kind of a relief. Given how wolf boy's been nothing but "kill all Cullens!" for the past few chapters, it's nice to see him talking quietly and not angsting so much. And...wait a minute.
“'Did you know that 'I told you so' has a brother, Jacob?' she asked, cutting me off. 'His name is 'Shut the hell up.''
'Good one.'
She grinned at me. Her skin stretched tight over the bones. 'I can't take credit-I got it off a rerun of The Simpsons.'"
ZeldaQueen: *blinks* Really Meyer? Your oh-so-deep and mature heroine is lying on what seems to be her deathbed and you're having her use jokes from The Simpsons? That's just -
Majora: Hey, the Canon Telecommunicator is ringing.
ZeldaQueen: Huh, so it is. *answers it* Hello?
Mr. Burns: Yes, this Mr. Burns.
ZeldaQueen: Oh hey! What can I do for -
Mr. Burns: What is the meaning of this? I just received word that my lines are being quoted by a daft girl in a soppy romance novel! I am insulted! How did this happen?
ZeldaQueen: Well, I can only assume that Stephanie Meyer is a fan...
Mr. Burns: Oh wonderful, our demographic has reached Mormon housewives. Whatever shall we find out next? Hmm? What's that? *voices heard offscreen* No Smithers, I will not calm down! I have every right to be angry about this! *voices offscreen* Yes, well it's very kind of you to worry but my heart condition is of no consequence. I had it removed years ago, the silly thing was always a liability.
ZeldaQueen: Listen, I've got a sporking to get back to so unless you'd care to help out, please bugger off.
Mr. Burns: Bah, what use have I for this "sporking" nonsense? A game for poor lowlives to squander their time with. No, I have more noble pursuits worthy of me, which I must return to. Smithers! Is my solid gold lavatory polished yet?
*Canon Telecommunicator logged off*
ZeldaQueen: Huh. Well anyway, Jacob quickly loses those points he earned because he starts going on to the audience about how talking to Bella is like taking a drug to him and every minute was making it harder to leave. Bella is all goofily cheerful and goes on about how she believes in magic by this point oy and insists that Jacob has some "magic" waiting for him via imprinting which she compares to A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Majora: Imprinting is the brainwashing and forcing of love, correct?
ZeldaQueen: Yes. I've already gone over how sick and wrong it is. Suffice to say though, given how stupid Bella is, it's no wonder she thinks that all of Jake's problems will be solved through imprinting. For his part, he hates the idea of forced love which is fine except that I'm still certain that this good point will be tossed out the window by the book's end. Care to bet on that with me?
Majora: Sorry, I've still got payments due for this body. I can't really afford to gamble and anyway, why should I take a bet I know I'm going to lose?
ZeldaQueen: Good point. Oh, and it seems that Bella has this magnificent plan to survive the birth of her demon baby: she will survive long enough to give birth and then be vampirized. Because of course no one in this book will be having silly things like sacrifices to complicate things. Nope. Oh, and apparently no one can figure out what sex the baby is because there is a membrane that is too hard for an ultrasound to get through. Ignoring the fact that I'm pretty sure that there are no membranes involved with a fetus, is that really how sonograms work? I honestly can't say for certain seeing as I have little experience in childbirth and pregnancy, but it really sounds wrong to me. Anyway, if the "membrane" is so hard that ultrasound can't penetrate it, how the freak does the baby come out? What happens to the super-hard membrane after? Meyer, please stop making up things about human biology!
Majora: Well the baby itself seems to be quite strong. It says here that the baby starts kicking and she gets bruises as a result.
ZeldaQueen: Lovely. Her husband shows abusive signs and now her own baby is beating her up. And we get this infuriating line: "It's me. I'm just weak and human. But I can tough this out, Jake, I can-" WEAK AND HUMAN MEYER? CAN YOU DRIVE THE "HUMANS SUCK" THEME ANY DEEPER IN THERE? NOT ONLY ARE YOU SAYING THAT BELLA'S WEAK, BUT YOU'RE HAVING HER MAKE IT SYNONYMOUS WITH HUMAN. WHAT THE HECK? NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT ONCE MORE, SHE'S ACTING LIKE IT'S HER OWN FAULT THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS HURTING HER!
Majora: Erm...
ZeldaQueen: *pants furiously* You take over reading!
Majora: Right. So we get Jacob starting to actually begin to ease into the topic of her aborting the baby to have a new one, because evidently he gave up on the silly idea that it was twisted and wrong. Bella figures out what he's going for and takes it surprisingly well. If I were in her place, I'd strike him with lighting. Or at least scream a bit at Edward for the idea. She still refuses and Jake goes running off to tell the pack all that he saw.
ZeldaQueen: And we see the pack's reaction.
Majora: Hey, I was reading!
ZeldaQueen: Tough beans. I want to rant for a second:
"At first their anger was undefined, and I thought I was in for it. I was too messed up to care about that. They could do whatever they wanted to me for circumventing orders.
And then the unfocused confusion of thoughts began to move together.
How can this be? What does it mean? What will it be?
Not safe. Not right. Dangerous.
Unnatural. Monstrous. An abomination.
We can't allow it.
...
The treaty does not cover this.
This puts everyone in danger.
...
They fear it, too.
But they won't do anything about it.
Protecting Bella Swan.
We can't let that influence us.
The safety of our families, of everyone here, is more important than one human.
If they won't kill it, we have to.
Protect the tribe.
Protect our families.
We have to kill it before it's too late."
ZeldaQueen: Yet again, I feel the need to point out that these are teenage boys. Some of them just started hunting and most of them haven't even been wolves for a year. Why are they talking like this? They're talking like the Na'vi in Avatar or something! Seriously, do you know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of those bad Harry Potter fanfics where everyone starts acting like they're thirty instead of sixteen. For those of you who remember HP canon, the teenagers didn't act like this, even when they were faced with danger and were hunting down things. They talked casually, they bickered and swore, and they didn't act like a group of elders in a myth or something!
Majora: May I continue?
ZeldaQueen: Proceed.
Majora: Well, Jacob panics at the thought of them attacking the demon baby because of course that would mean killing Bella. So basically the pack is finally doing what he wanted them to do originally, but now he only protests because Bella will be in danger. They instantly begin plotting on how to kill the Cullens to stop the evil fetus. Leah points out that Bella is dying anyway and they will only be helping her go faster. Jacob goes to attack and Sam breaks it up. He then says "You will not be cruel to him, Leah, he commanded her. Bella's sacrifice is a heavy price, and we will all recognize that."
ZeldaQueen: *nastily* Yes of course! Because it's the wonderful Bella Swan, everybody must say a prayer and kiss her toes for all of this. Seriously, did none of them glean that Esme and Rosalie are the only two who actually support Bella's decision? And Sam has balls telling Leah not to be cruel to Jacob of all people, considering how nasty he is to her over losing her fiance. Good God. I'm taking over.
Majora: Suit yourself.
ZeldaQueen: Seth is the only other wolf bothered by all of this and tries to talk Sam out of it. Sam orders him to follow instructions and Seth is literally forced to lie on the ground from the order. Sam then tells which wolf will fight which Cullen: Jacob, Quil, and Embry are assigned to take on Jasper and Emmett - the fighters, Paul, Jared, and Sam will fight Edward and Rosalie, and Brady, Collin, Seth (the three newest and youngest wolves), and Leah will take Carlisle, Esme, and Alice - the three vampires who are seen as the weakest. *screams*
Majora: Perhaps you're reading too far into it?
ZeldaQueen: Read -
"He saw Jasper as the second-greatest opponent, which is why he'd given him to me. He knew that I had the best chance of any of the pack to win that fight. He'd left the easiest targets for the younger wolves and Leah. Little Alice was no danger without her future vision to guide her, and we knew from our time of alliance that Esme was not a fighter. Carlisle would be more of a challenge, but his hatred of violence would hinder him."
Majora: How is it that a female author is so sexist and misogynistic?
ZeldaQueen: Oh ho ho, this is just the beginning for Leah-bashing.
Majora: I believe I will be giving those chapters a skip. As evil as I am, even I dislike gender stereotyping. Equal opportunity of the sexes, that's my motto. Why, male virgins are just as good for sacrifices as female ones!
ZeldaQueen: How very progressive. Jacob starts to realize that he was wrong to want to murder the Cullens gee, you think? Sam tells him to get his act together and get over it, he's going to fight whether he wants to or not. The chapter ends with Sam forcing Jacob to lie on the ground to "perform [his] obligation" while Jacob remembers that "no member of the pack can refuse the Alpha" and if that isn't slash subtext, I don't know what is.
ZeldaQueen: Now was that so bad?
Majora: That was alarmingly boring. Please don't make me do another in this section.
ZeldaQueen: God, you people are wusses. Go off and take a break, I'll think about it.
Majora: Thank you. I believe the sporking has brought upon the urge to - oh what's that word? Vomit, that's it.
Onward to: Chapter 11: The Two Things At The Very Top Of My Things-I-Never-Want-To-Do List
Back to: Chapter 9: Sure As Hell Didn't See That One Coming
Return to: Table of Contents