Breaking Dawn: Chapter 9 - Sure As Hell Didn't See That One Coming
Projection Room Voices: Beginning Chapter 9 of Breaking Dawn!
ZeldaQueen: Get in here, you!
Link: Make me!
Zant: *tosses him into the Sporking Chamber* What? You asked me to.
ZeldaQueen: Where's Majora?
Zant: He ran and hid. He said he'd be back for Chapter 10 though.
Midna: Just get started.
Projection Room: Playing Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 9 - Sure As Hell Didn't See That One Coming
Link: Seriously, what is with these titles?
ZeldaQueen: I love how they sound so generic-tough, like the one-liners you get in a greaser movie trailer.
Midna: Certainly doesn't seem to fit with the angsty idiot, that's for sure.
ZeldaQueen: Agreed. Let's get started. Well, well, well, we start right off with Jacob being angsty! What do you know? He's thinking about his threat to leave and is trying to plot out how best to go and kill off the Cullens without Sam finding out. He thinks that if Sam finds out, then the other wolves would goad Jacob into into getting angry to trick him into transforming, so that Sam can alpha-order him not to attack Edward. Seriously, these do not sound like regular people. These really do sound like some weird cult. And that plan sounds like something Rose Potter would expect the Ministry to launch at her. Or would try herself. Either or.
Zant: Who, pray tell, is Rose Potter?
ZeldaQueen: Read the sporking. You'll rip out your hair.
Zant: But I'm bald...
ZeldaQueen: Good for you. Anyway, Jake runs into his dad Billy when he gets home and tries to avoid talking to him. Because all of these angsty teenagers have nothing better to do than actually go to their parents for help or advice.
Midna: Hmm, sounds like when Zant his Terrible 'Teens.
Zant: Hey!
Link: Maybe I'm spoiled, but I never went off on angst-ridden binges because I knew my limits and talked things over. With the Great Deku Tree, or Saria. Or Navi. Or even you, Midna.
Midna: I can't say. I was never listening.
ZeldaQueen: Well yeah. Which is the problem with these characters supposedly being so above-average and exemplary. They're acting just like the stereotypical whiny teenagers who think that they know so much better than anyone else and that their parents just don't understand. Except that these guys are whining about True Love and Soulmates and marriage and killing off their romantic rivals to avenge their beloveds. So from there, it looks like Meyer created teenagers who are acting like adults. I mean honestly, what teens go around acting like that in this day and age? In actuality, Jacob would be sad Bella went off with Edward, but he'd get over it and hook up with someone else. He wouldn't be going around looking for an excuse to kill Edward! *sigh* Chalk up another Mary-Sue fic cliche, especially in the vein of Rose "I've Got Boobs At Age Eleven" Potter.
Zant: Now I really want to see this sporking!
Link: You know, I think the key word there is "this day and age". From what I've seen of the series notes, Meyer took themes and stuff from old-fashioned novels like Jane Austen and applied them directly to this pile of idiocy.
ZeldaQueen: Huh, you're right. Sort of like the difference between Ten Things I Hate About You and Romeo + Juliet.
Midna: Yep, I gotcha. It's one thing to lift basic themes that are used in most works and apply them to suit a modern day environment. It's another to directly slap on old-fashioned plot points like arranged marriage or elaborate revenge in a book set in 2005, especially with teenage protagonists.
ZeldaQueen: "Dear Mrs. Meyer, if you start lifting passage directly from Emma to make Bella's dialogue, I will be forced to track you down and smack you with my laptop. Sincerely, ZeldaQueen"
Zant: Don't forget the spork.
ZeldaQueen: I won't. So yeah, Billy asks Jake to help him into the house and Jake very nearly considers not. Keep in mind, ladies and gentlemen, that Billy is confined to a wheelchair. How very touching. Eventually, we get this:
"I gritted my teeth but decided that he'd be more likely to cause trouble with Sam if I didn't lie to him for a few minutes."
Zant: Wha-bah-wah?
Midna: Oh, that's nice!
Link: Could he have said that in a ruder way?
ZeldaQueen: I know! His dad can see he's upset and is trying get Jake to talk to him and all Jake is thinking about is that if he lies for awhile, he can go along with his plan. "Cause trouble" my left - oh sure Jacob, heaven forbid someone keep you from murdering a group of people over a girl who strung you along! *fumes*
Midna: I want to finish sometime today. Billy and Jacob have a bit of conversation which leads them to talking about Rachael being home for the summer despite the Black household being painful because she and her sister Rebbecca were older and can better remember their mother dying in a car crash.
Link: *flips through series notes* Erm, is it just me or do the Native Americans in this story lose a lot of parents?
Midna: *looking over his shoulder* Huh, you're right. Harry Clearwater, Jacob's mom... I wonder what's up with that.
Zant: Oh, on some level I suppose it has to do with Meyer feeling the need to glorify the vampires further - while the werewolves and their families are mostly human and thus succumb to typical human weaknesses like death, vampires are immortal and thus last forever, perhaps meant to symbolize which type of love is better and longer-lasting.
Midna: Zant, that was surprisingly -
Zant: Or she is just making things up for the fun of it. Horray!
Midna: Forget it.
Link: And...what the heck? Billy figures out that Sam ordered them all to leave the Cullens alone and Jacob is upset about it. When Billy insists that Sam is right, Jacob disconnects the phone, takes one of the wires, and rides off on his motorcycle. What a little son of a -
Zant: Vich!
ZeldaQueen: *strained* Again, he's like some video game character only with more stupid. The revenge thing doesn't work when the girl clearly doesn't love him and he's sixteen! And he's acting like an angsty twenty or thirty-year-old guy! Not only that, but doesn't this sort of come across as...diabolical? Like "Oh, I will kill the Cullens and no one will get in the way! Not even my father!" And as he motorcycles off to the Cullens, he keeps thinking of how much time he has before Billy gets to another phone - Billy who is in a wheelchair and almost certainly worried about the safety of his only son - and if Paul would pass along the message or not.
Link: The stupid...
Midna: *peers at the screen* And he takes time to worry about getting broken bones while driving because those would take days to heal and thus slow him down for revenge. Lovely.
ZeldaQueen: So Jacob goes storming up to the Cullens house, thinking about how he'd get proof that Bella was dead and then kill Edward in retribution and thinks "Huh-I wondered if Sam would consider my death provocation. Probably say I got what I deserved. Wouldn't want to offend his bloodsucker BFFs." Once more Meyer, you're doing a rather sucky job with your characters here. Jacob just swung from "angsty, idiotic revenge guy" to "sulky teenager".
Link: And then he starts to complain about how bad the vampires smell to him. What the heck? I went through crypts as a wolf and I didn't whine this much!
Midna: You didn't say anything at all.
Link: Well it was better than this tripe!
Midna: Never said I was complaining.
ZeldaQueen: Carlisle answers the door and Jacob is a bit disarmed by this and remembers how the vampire doctor made a house call to him "last spring when [he] got busted up" and something about that bothers me besides the fact that we once more only get any backstory about the characters when the plot demands it. Link, flip through the series notes. Tell me what was going on in the "last spring".
Link: Well, erm, screw it I'll just use the internet. *quick Google search*. Alrighty, according to this site, the spring before the current date (which seems to be September the 7th) was March 3rd. Apparently this was around the point in New Moon when Bella cliff dives and Jacob saves her. Obviously, he had been a werewolf for some time by this point.
ZeldaQueen: And where were the Cullens.
Link: Flips through *series notes* Um...not in Forks.
ZeldaQueen: So Meyer, answer me this: how the flying frig could Carlisle have made house calls to Jacob then?
Link: Well, the Cullens did come back by the 22nd of March...so...
ZeldaQueen: Well alright, points for that. But still, given how Jacob had basically strapped on and started his "Cullens are teh DEVIL and I'll never touch them with a ten-foot pole!" routine by then, why would he allow Carlisle to treat him? Aren't there any doctors in Forks besides Carlisle? And don't put that timeline away just yet, I have one other question that's been bothering me: when did the Cullens first move to Forks?
Link: 1935, it looks.
ZeldaQueen: So why did the wolves only transform in New Moon? The books describe the transformation as a defense for when vampires are in the area, don't they? Why did they only start transforming in the second book in the series? The Cullens were around for a few good decades there, shouldn't that have triggered it?
Link: *flips through mentioned timeline* There's something here about it being linked to a vampire threat.
ZeldaQueen: How do they know if a vampire's a threat or not? If it's a biological reaction - no mention of how it works, by the way - how does it differentiate between vampires that pose a threat and vampires that don't? I mean, doesn't the series indicate that very few vampires make an effort to co-exist with humans? And even if that were the case, what about the non-vegetarian vampires that the Cullens let stay over every so often? Like Peter and Charlotte from Midnight Sun, which you might recall from the series notes takes place during the events of Twilight. And I know that ought to work because this letter from the future that I got implies that we'll be getting more of it by the end.
Link: The answer is that the fu - um, flipping author can't keep her own stupid continuity straight.
ZeldaQueen: Right! It's clearly a butt pull! And it sucks!
Midna: *pokes Zant* Wake up!
Zant: *awakes with a start while muttering about violets and meteors*
ZeldaQueen: So yeah, Carlisle tries to send him away but Bella calls out that there's no reason to leave him out of the loop - why? You clearly have no problem hiding vampire secrets from him before - and he's let in. Jacob quickly notes that Bella smells human and still has "chocolate brown" eyes (lovely to see Meyer breaking out of cliches there), but quickly figures that something's up. All of the Cullens are huddled to one side of the room, all freaked out, while Rosalie is being unusually protective of Bella, who is confined to the sofa.
Zant: Oh dear.
Midna: Great. Does this mean that the Jerk Sue was "redeemed" to be the Purity/Anti- Sue's fangirl?
ZeldaQueen: Kinda-sorta. You see, Jacob is alarmed by Rosalie's attentiveness to Bella, thinking "I knew how Bella felt about almost everything-her thoughts were so obvious; sometimes it was like they were printed on her forehead."
Link: *bursts out laughing* Meyer's trying to make it look like the wolf kid and Bella have some deep connection, isn't she? She just made it look like her little protagonist pet is terrible at hiding anything.
Midna: Do you suppose that's why Edward can't read her mind? Because she just isn't thinking anything?
ZeldaQueen: That's an old, old, old joke by now, Midna.
Midna: I couldn't resist.
Zant: Did I sleep through the parts when Jacob and Bella talked about how she felt about Rosalie?
ZeldaQueen: That's the thing - I might have missed it, but I don't seem to recall those two talking about the Cullens besides Edward much. Was there ever a time when Bella indicated that she disliked Rosalie? *flips through series notes* I'll have to find out later.
Midna: We're going too slow. I'll take over. Jacob sees that Bella is obviously skinny and ill and immediately wonders what's wrong. There's a lot of bile spewed about how anguished Edward looks, but it appears that this is on par for his relationship with Bella.
Link: Seriously, why does he date the girl if she's always making him run around screaming "OH WOE IS ME, I'M A MONSTER AND CAN'T KEEP YOU SAFE"?
Zant: Perhaps he enjoys doing that?
ZeldaQueen: He's a glutton for angst?
Link: If that's the case, do'ya think that he and Bella will eventually have a little S&M.
ZeldaQueen: Their relationship already is pretty much S&M, after it all went through some bizarre fairy tale/Shakespeare/Austen crossover.
Midna: Anyway, Jacob starts wondering why on earth Rosalie is keeping Edward away from Bella and of course we - that is to say, the intelligent readers - already know that it is because Bella is pregnant with Edward's vile spawn and Rosalie wants babies sooooo much that she feels the need to help Bella have one. And I must say, all three of them come off as rather pathetic when it's put like that.
ZeldaQueen: No kidding! Because Jacob is finally told what's wrong with Bella. Or rather, he's shown, because Lady Sue needs a grand reveal and has Rosalie help her stand up - despite apparently being a walking skeleton - and her wolfy friend sees that her stomach is now huge and she is obviously very pregnant. No mention is given as to the fact that she could have just taken off the blanket covering her and shown him. I mean, I'm pretty sure that a pregantn belly is visible while one is lying down.
Zant: Not if one is two-dimensional. I wrote a paper on it.
Midna: No you didn't.
ZeldaQueen: Actually that might explain a lot. So Jacob quickly figures out that Bella is (A) very pregnant and (B) dying from it, which of course leads him to the conclusion that (C) Edward is an evil monster for causing this and makes him think that (D) Edward needs to die. Such a charming young boy.
Edward can read minds though - remember that? - and asks for Jacob to follow him out back. Jacob's first thought is that they'll be having their death duel and readily agrees. What is with this kid? He takes a minute to note how "[s]mall and distractingly feminine" Esme and Alice were and how he didn't want to kill the womenfolk but figures it won't be necessary since the guys will most likely off him first.
Link: Wow, that's...almost insulting.
Midna: But wait a minute! *flips through series notes* Didn't we get a bit in Twilight when Alice shows that she's surprisingly scary and tough when she needs to be? And the movie showed that she ripped the evil vampire's head off with no effort?
ZeldaQueen: Yep, that's all true. Way to go Meyer, you sexist idiot. And yes, I'm blaming Meyer for this because it's not just Jacob who takes on the "women are weak and small and delicate" mentality. Plus, Meyer is the one who made Jacob that way and I hate it so I'm blaming her anyway. But getting back to the point about how pathetic it is, Bella protests and clutches at Edward's arm, apparently believing that her dearest husband intends to kill her best friend. Again, very nice that she thinks both men are so wonderful and noble and yet doesn't even trust them to go out into the backyard without killing one another over her. *sigh* Edward assures her that they'll just be talking and strokes her face, which really gets Jake upset. "This made the room turn red, made me see fire-that, after all he'd done to her, he was still allowed to touch her that way." Yeah Jake, just like you shouldn't be allowed to touch her after you forcibly kissed her.
Link: Did he forget that Bella and Edward were married?
ZeldaQueen: Yes, but it looks like he thinks that Edward knocked up Bella and thus is reason for Edward to never be allowed near her again.
Link: But that's the thing - they're married! When two people are married, society tends to see nothing wrong with them having a good fu -
Midna: Link!
Link: - n time. What? And pregnancy tends to result from that. Bella made it fairly clear that she desperately wanted it. Edward is looking so extraordinarily anguished over this and Bella is lying on the sofa apparently being kept as comfortable as she pleases. It's not like the Cullens are just letting her writhe in pain while they cackle gleefully. Does Jacob put none of this together?
ZeldaQueen: Not at all. The two guys go out to the garden, after Bella tells Jacob to behave. After she seemed to think that Edward would be the one to attack. So they leave and we get this:
"For a second I was just a kid-a kid who had lived all of his life in the same tiny town. Just a child. Because I knew I would have to live a lot more, suffer a lot more, to ever understand the searing agony in Edward's eyes.
He raised a hand as if to wipe sweat from his forehead, but his fingers scraped against his face like they were going to rip his granite skin right off. His black eyes burned in their sockets, out of focus, or seeing things that weren't there. His mouth opened like he was going to scream, but nothing came out. This was the face a man would have if he were burning at the stake."
ZeldaQueen: Yes, Jake, you are a child. You're sixteen! Act like it! You have no more business being angsty or adult-ish than Rose or Holly Potter!
Link: They're really milking it, aren't they? I've been set on fire several times and didn't even scream.
Midna: You kind of yelped though.
ZeldaQueen: Jacob realizes that Bella is really dying from her pregnancy and gets even more angsty because now he knows she's dying for real, and it isn't his fault, and "...different because she was never really mine to lose"
Zant: *twitches*
Midna: You mean to tell me...
Link: He spent about two and a half books chasing after Bella and trying to get her to leave Edward for him and he up and admits here that she never loved him?
ZeldaQueen: I need a freaking drink. Guys?
Projection Room Voices: Yes?
ZeldaQueen: Make sure that the vending machines are stocked with 2% by the next break, alright?
Projection Room Voices: Sure.
ZeldaQueen: Great. So yeah, both dudes start angsting and Jacob asks why Carlisle doesn't remove the fetus. Edward explains that Bella wants to keep the baby and won't let them. Jake reflects how typical it is of Bella to be so noble and self-sacrificing for "monster spawn" - yeah right- and Edward explains how he assumed that Bella was scared when she was so quiet on their way home. Normally I'd be angry with that assumption, but I actually think that in that case, a little fear would be warranted. Except that Edward realizes that Bella was resolved, not afraid, and immediately sprang into Rosalie's arms and they made out.
Link: *chokes on spit* WHAT?
Projection Room Voices: Sorry about that, we got this mixed up with a Voldemort/Dobby fanfic.
ZeldaQueen: Dang, things might have started to get interesting. *screen is fixed* Bella rushes to Rosalie for protection. And then, we get this priceless bit:
"
'Just back up a second. She won't let you.' The sarcasm was acid on my tongue. 'Did you ever notice that she's exactly as strong as a normal hundred-and-ten-pound human girl? How stupid are you vamps? Hold her down and knock her out with drugs.'
'I wanted to,” he whispered. “Carlisle would have. . . .'
What, too noble were they?
'No. Not noble. Her bodyguard complicated things.'
Oh. His story hadn't made much sense before, but it fit together now. So that's what Blondie was up to. What was in it for her, though? Did the beauty queen want Bella to die so bad?
'Maybe,” he said. “Rosalie doesn't look at it quite that way.'
'So take the blonde out first. Your kind can be put back together, right? Turn her into a jigsaw and take care of Bella.'
'Emmett and Esme are backing her up. Emmett would never let us… and Carlisle won't help me with Esme against it. . . .' He trailed off, his voice disappearing."
Zant: Wow.
ZeldaQueen: I know. Let's review, shall we? First of all, Edward and Jacob want to force Bella to have an abortion. No that they want her to have one or suggest she should, they honestly consider drugging her and removing the fetus. Against her will. Now granted, I know I've said that Bella was being rather stupid about the whole pregnancy thing. But the fact remains that she made her choice. And the two men who supposedly respect her so much are willing to ignore that choice because they don't like it. And this isn't the first time either. Specific example that comes to mind? Eclipse, when Bella didn't want to apply to Dartmouth. What did Edward do? He forged her signature, scrounged up an essay, and submitted an application for her before she could blink. In this case though, it's even worse! Having a baby is much more personal than filling out application forms!
Midna: And of course the Soulmates always side with each other. Seriously, don't these couples ever argue about anything once they're blissfully married vampires?
Zant: Perhaps the vampiring process releases a chemical that lobotomizes them?
ZeldaQueen: Makes about as much sense as anything else here.
Link: Seriously though, they always are in agreement? I find it hard to believe that any couple would be like that. I mean, I don't always agree with -
All: *stare*
Midna: Go on Link!
Link: Oh, shut up and get back to sporking.
ZeldaQueen: Augh! And we were that close to solving one of the greatest Zelda mysteries... gah, I'm all disappointed. Zant! You take over sporking!
Zant: Horray! okay, well, we get Jacob getting angry with Edward some more for all of this - apparently Bella is blameless for not thinking about getting knocked-up - and Edward insists that he had no idea that it was possible because "There's never been anything like Bella and [him] before."
ZeldaQueen: *snorts*
Midna: So in the entire history of vampiring, only Edward and Bella loved each other enough to not kill her on the honeymoon?
Link: She just passed the Mary Sue test, can we order a hit on her?
ZeldaQueen: Link, that hit was called way back in Twilight, the instant the most popular boy in the school started lusting after her for no reason. Oh and *peers forward a bit on the Media* Edward makes mention of the succubi and incubi?
Midna: Correct.
ZeldaQueen: THEY ARE DEMONS! NOT VAMPIRES! THIS SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD!
Link: You'd best finish up quickly, Zant.
Zant: Right. So it seems that Edward is willing to propose a deal with Jacob. He assumes that Bella is desperate for a baby and so he...oh dear...
ZeldaQueen: What? What is it?
Zant: Nothing! Nothing at all!
Midna: *Glances at the screen* Ohhhh...
Link: Son of a monkey -
ZeldaQueen: *dangerously* What happens next?
Zant: Nothing! *tries to cover screen*
*several minute-long shuffle, before Zant is pried from screen*
ZeldaQueen: Let's see now - what quote is next?
"'I don't care about anything but keeping her alive,” he said, suddenly focused now. “If it's a child she wants, she can have it. She can have half a dozen babies. Anything she wants.” He paused for one beat. “She can have puppies, if that's what it takes.'"
ZeldaQueen: . . .
Zant: Erm...
Link: *reaches for Master Sword, only to remember he left it in his room*
ZeldaQueen: They actually...they're considering...
Midna: Could we get a break maybe?
ZeldaQueen: YAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Tosses spork at surveillance camera causing six-minute long black out*
*camera is finally fixed, revealing a highly demolished Sporking Chamber*
ZeldaQueen: Right. Midna, Zant, and Link have left for an early break, so I'll be finishing the sporking alone.
Yes folks, you saw that last quote right. Edward offered to let Jacob sleep with Bella and impregnate her in exchange for convincing her to get an abortion. Do I even have to start on how wrong that is? And again, Bella has no say in this. Edward and Jacob are conspiring behind her back. Edward never says to her "Dear, would you be willing to get an abortion if I allowed you to boink your best friend/alleged other love interest to get another?" How does he think Bella will be alright with this? Jacob at least recognizes that it's screwed up, and he still considers it tempting. And thinks how great the sight of Bella pregnant with his child would be.
Which is another thing: how idiotic is Edward anyway? Does he really think that Bella is like a dog, with any litter of puppies being the same as another, father-wise? Doesn't he realize that there's the danged good probability that Bella would want the child of her husband and not her alleged friend/discarded love interest? I mean, changelings were considered sinister for a reason. Babies aren't really interchangeable, you know. Well, Bella apparently never did tell him her fantasies about her pretty miniature-Edward-baby, so I guess he never realized this. Idiot.
And I'm not even going to touch on the "women should have babies" thing
Jacob, who at least as the brains that God gave a toaster oven, insists that Bella will never agree to it. Edward stands firm, believing that if Jacob talks to her, she'd start to lose resolve and go through with the abortion. He also promises not to back out of the baby deal and also promises Jacob that should Bella die, Jake would get no resistance over killing Edward. *sigh* Edward's 105 years old. It's not good that Jacob sounds like him in that regard. Anyway, they shake hands and I want to lie down.
Projection Room Voices: You...um...you might want to take a double-shift break.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, I think I will. God, what did Meyer do to the werewolves? They're all angsty and not in the understandable way at all! *goes off to drown her sorrows in milk and watch An American Werewolf In London on YouTube*
Onward to: Chapter 10: Why Didn't I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I'm An Idiot.
Back to: Chapter 8: Waiting For The Damn Fight To Start Already (Part 2)
Return to: Table of Contents
ZeldaQueen: Get in here, you!
Link: Make me!
Zant: *tosses him into the Sporking Chamber* What? You asked me to.
ZeldaQueen: Where's Majora?
Zant: He ran and hid. He said he'd be back for Chapter 10 though.
Midna: Just get started.
Projection Room: Playing Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 9 - Sure As Hell Didn't See That One Coming
Link: Seriously, what is with these titles?
ZeldaQueen: I love how they sound so generic-tough, like the one-liners you get in a greaser movie trailer.
Midna: Certainly doesn't seem to fit with the angsty idiot, that's for sure.
ZeldaQueen: Agreed. Let's get started. Well, well, well, we start right off with Jacob being angsty! What do you know? He's thinking about his threat to leave and is trying to plot out how best to go and kill off the Cullens without Sam finding out. He thinks that if Sam finds out, then the other wolves would goad Jacob into into getting angry to trick him into transforming, so that Sam can alpha-order him not to attack Edward. Seriously, these do not sound like regular people. These really do sound like some weird cult. And that plan sounds like something Rose Potter would expect the Ministry to launch at her. Or would try herself. Either or.
Zant: Who, pray tell, is Rose Potter?
ZeldaQueen: Read the sporking. You'll rip out your hair.
Zant: But I'm bald...
ZeldaQueen: Good for you. Anyway, Jake runs into his dad Billy when he gets home and tries to avoid talking to him. Because all of these angsty teenagers have nothing better to do than actually go to their parents for help or advice.
Midna: Hmm, sounds like when Zant his Terrible 'Teens.
Zant: Hey!
Link: Maybe I'm spoiled, but I never went off on angst-ridden binges because I knew my limits and talked things over. With the Great Deku Tree, or Saria. Or Navi. Or even you, Midna.
Midna: I can't say. I was never listening.
ZeldaQueen: Well yeah. Which is the problem with these characters supposedly being so above-average and exemplary. They're acting just like the stereotypical whiny teenagers who think that they know so much better than anyone else and that their parents just don't understand. Except that these guys are whining about True Love and Soulmates and marriage and killing off their romantic rivals to avenge their beloveds. So from there, it looks like Meyer created teenagers who are acting like adults. I mean honestly, what teens go around acting like that in this day and age? In actuality, Jacob would be sad Bella went off with Edward, but he'd get over it and hook up with someone else. He wouldn't be going around looking for an excuse to kill Edward! *sigh* Chalk up another Mary-Sue fic cliche, especially in the vein of Rose "I've Got Boobs At Age Eleven" Potter.
Zant: Now I really want to see this sporking!
Link: You know, I think the key word there is "this day and age". From what I've seen of the series notes, Meyer took themes and stuff from old-fashioned novels like Jane Austen and applied them directly to this pile of idiocy.
ZeldaQueen: Huh, you're right. Sort of like the difference between Ten Things I Hate About You and Romeo + Juliet.
Midna: Yep, I gotcha. It's one thing to lift basic themes that are used in most works and apply them to suit a modern day environment. It's another to directly slap on old-fashioned plot points like arranged marriage or elaborate revenge in a book set in 2005, especially with teenage protagonists.
ZeldaQueen: "Dear Mrs. Meyer, if you start lifting passage directly from Emma to make Bella's dialogue, I will be forced to track you down and smack you with my laptop. Sincerely, ZeldaQueen"
Zant: Don't forget the spork.
ZeldaQueen: I won't. So yeah, Billy asks Jake to help him into the house and Jake very nearly considers not. Keep in mind, ladies and gentlemen, that Billy is confined to a wheelchair. How very touching. Eventually, we get this:
"I gritted my teeth but decided that he'd be more likely to cause trouble with Sam if I didn't lie to him for a few minutes."
Zant: Wha-bah-wah?
Midna: Oh, that's nice!
Link: Could he have said that in a ruder way?
ZeldaQueen: I know! His dad can see he's upset and is trying get Jake to talk to him and all Jake is thinking about is that if he lies for awhile, he can go along with his plan. "Cause trouble" my left - oh sure Jacob, heaven forbid someone keep you from murdering a group of people over a girl who strung you along! *fumes*
Midna: I want to finish sometime today. Billy and Jacob have a bit of conversation which leads them to talking about Rachael being home for the summer despite the Black household being painful because she and her sister Rebbecca were older and can better remember their mother dying in a car crash.
Link: *flips through series notes* Erm, is it just me or do the Native Americans in this story lose a lot of parents?
Midna: *looking over his shoulder* Huh, you're right. Harry Clearwater, Jacob's mom... I wonder what's up with that.
Zant: Oh, on some level I suppose it has to do with Meyer feeling the need to glorify the vampires further - while the werewolves and their families are mostly human and thus succumb to typical human weaknesses like death, vampires are immortal and thus last forever, perhaps meant to symbolize which type of love is better and longer-lasting.
Midna: Zant, that was surprisingly -
Zant: Or she is just making things up for the fun of it. Horray!
Midna: Forget it.
Link: And...what the heck? Billy figures out that Sam ordered them all to leave the Cullens alone and Jacob is upset about it. When Billy insists that Sam is right, Jacob disconnects the phone, takes one of the wires, and rides off on his motorcycle. What a little son of a -
Zant: Vich!
ZeldaQueen: *strained* Again, he's like some video game character only with more stupid. The revenge thing doesn't work when the girl clearly doesn't love him and he's sixteen! And he's acting like an angsty twenty or thirty-year-old guy! Not only that, but doesn't this sort of come across as...diabolical? Like "Oh, I will kill the Cullens and no one will get in the way! Not even my father!" And as he motorcycles off to the Cullens, he keeps thinking of how much time he has before Billy gets to another phone - Billy who is in a wheelchair and almost certainly worried about the safety of his only son - and if Paul would pass along the message or not.
Link: The stupid...
Midna: *peers at the screen* And he takes time to worry about getting broken bones while driving because those would take days to heal and thus slow him down for revenge. Lovely.
ZeldaQueen: So Jacob goes storming up to the Cullens house, thinking about how he'd get proof that Bella was dead and then kill Edward in retribution and thinks "Huh-I wondered if Sam would consider my death provocation. Probably say I got what I deserved. Wouldn't want to offend his bloodsucker BFFs." Once more Meyer, you're doing a rather sucky job with your characters here. Jacob just swung from "angsty, idiotic revenge guy" to "sulky teenager".
Link: And then he starts to complain about how bad the vampires smell to him. What the heck? I went through crypts as a wolf and I didn't whine this much!
Midna: You didn't say anything at all.
Link: Well it was better than this tripe!
Midna: Never said I was complaining.
ZeldaQueen: Carlisle answers the door and Jacob is a bit disarmed by this and remembers how the vampire doctor made a house call to him "last spring when [he] got busted up" and something about that bothers me besides the fact that we once more only get any backstory about the characters when the plot demands it. Link, flip through the series notes. Tell me what was going on in the "last spring".
Link: Well, erm, screw it I'll just use the internet. *quick Google search*. Alrighty, according to this site, the spring before the current date (which seems to be September the 7th) was March 3rd. Apparently this was around the point in New Moon when Bella cliff dives and Jacob saves her. Obviously, he had been a werewolf for some time by this point.
ZeldaQueen: And where were the Cullens.
Link: Flips through *series notes* Um...not in Forks.
ZeldaQueen: So Meyer, answer me this: how the flying frig could Carlisle have made house calls to Jacob then?
Link: Well, the Cullens did come back by the 22nd of March...so...
ZeldaQueen: Well alright, points for that. But still, given how Jacob had basically strapped on and started his "Cullens are teh DEVIL and I'll never touch them with a ten-foot pole!" routine by then, why would he allow Carlisle to treat him? Aren't there any doctors in Forks besides Carlisle? And don't put that timeline away just yet, I have one other question that's been bothering me: when did the Cullens first move to Forks?
Link: 1935, it looks.
ZeldaQueen: So why did the wolves only transform in New Moon? The books describe the transformation as a defense for when vampires are in the area, don't they? Why did they only start transforming in the second book in the series? The Cullens were around for a few good decades there, shouldn't that have triggered it?
Link: *flips through mentioned timeline* There's something here about it being linked to a vampire threat.
ZeldaQueen: How do they know if a vampire's a threat or not? If it's a biological reaction - no mention of how it works, by the way - how does it differentiate between vampires that pose a threat and vampires that don't? I mean, doesn't the series indicate that very few vampires make an effort to co-exist with humans? And even if that were the case, what about the non-vegetarian vampires that the Cullens let stay over every so often? Like Peter and Charlotte from Midnight Sun, which you might recall from the series notes takes place during the events of Twilight. And I know that ought to work because this letter from the future that I got implies that we'll be getting more of it by the end.
Link: The answer is that the fu - um, flipping author can't keep her own stupid continuity straight.
ZeldaQueen: Right! It's clearly a butt pull! And it sucks!
Midna: *pokes Zant* Wake up!
Zant: *awakes with a start while muttering about violets and meteors*
ZeldaQueen: So yeah, Carlisle tries to send him away but Bella calls out that there's no reason to leave him out of the loop - why? You clearly have no problem hiding vampire secrets from him before - and he's let in. Jacob quickly notes that Bella smells human and still has "chocolate brown" eyes (lovely to see Meyer breaking out of cliches there), but quickly figures that something's up. All of the Cullens are huddled to one side of the room, all freaked out, while Rosalie is being unusually protective of Bella, who is confined to the sofa.
Zant: Oh dear.
Midna: Great. Does this mean that the Jerk Sue was "redeemed" to be the Purity/Anti- Sue's fangirl?
ZeldaQueen: Kinda-sorta. You see, Jacob is alarmed by Rosalie's attentiveness to Bella, thinking "I knew how Bella felt about almost everything-her thoughts were so obvious; sometimes it was like they were printed on her forehead."
Link: *bursts out laughing* Meyer's trying to make it look like the wolf kid and Bella have some deep connection, isn't she? She just made it look like her little protagonist pet is terrible at hiding anything.
Midna: Do you suppose that's why Edward can't read her mind? Because she just isn't thinking anything?
ZeldaQueen: That's an old, old, old joke by now, Midna.
Midna: I couldn't resist.
Zant: Did I sleep through the parts when Jacob and Bella talked about how she felt about Rosalie?
ZeldaQueen: That's the thing - I might have missed it, but I don't seem to recall those two talking about the Cullens besides Edward much. Was there ever a time when Bella indicated that she disliked Rosalie? *flips through series notes* I'll have to find out later.
Midna: We're going too slow. I'll take over. Jacob sees that Bella is obviously skinny and ill and immediately wonders what's wrong. There's a lot of bile spewed about how anguished Edward looks, but it appears that this is on par for his relationship with Bella.
Link: Seriously, why does he date the girl if she's always making him run around screaming "OH WOE IS ME, I'M A MONSTER AND CAN'T KEEP YOU SAFE"?
Zant: Perhaps he enjoys doing that?
ZeldaQueen: He's a glutton for angst?
Link: If that's the case, do'ya think that he and Bella will eventually have a little S&M.
ZeldaQueen: Their relationship already is pretty much S&M, after it all went through some bizarre fairy tale/Shakespeare/Austen crossover.
Midna: Anyway, Jacob starts wondering why on earth Rosalie is keeping Edward away from Bella and of course we - that is to say, the intelligent readers - already know that it is because Bella is pregnant with Edward's vile spawn and Rosalie wants babies sooooo much that she feels the need to help Bella have one. And I must say, all three of them come off as rather pathetic when it's put like that.
ZeldaQueen: No kidding! Because Jacob is finally told what's wrong with Bella. Or rather, he's shown, because Lady Sue needs a grand reveal and has Rosalie help her stand up - despite apparently being a walking skeleton - and her wolfy friend sees that her stomach is now huge and she is obviously very pregnant. No mention is given as to the fact that she could have just taken off the blanket covering her and shown him. I mean, I'm pretty sure that a pregantn belly is visible while one is lying down.
Zant: Not if one is two-dimensional. I wrote a paper on it.
Midna: No you didn't.
ZeldaQueen: Actually that might explain a lot. So Jacob quickly figures out that Bella is (A) very pregnant and (B) dying from it, which of course leads him to the conclusion that (C) Edward is an evil monster for causing this and makes him think that (D) Edward needs to die. Such a charming young boy.
Edward can read minds though - remember that? - and asks for Jacob to follow him out back. Jacob's first thought is that they'll be having their death duel and readily agrees. What is with this kid? He takes a minute to note how "[s]mall and distractingly feminine" Esme and Alice were and how he didn't want to kill the womenfolk but figures it won't be necessary since the guys will most likely off him first.
Link: Wow, that's...almost insulting.
Midna: But wait a minute! *flips through series notes* Didn't we get a bit in Twilight when Alice shows that she's surprisingly scary and tough when she needs to be? And the movie showed that she ripped the evil vampire's head off with no effort?
ZeldaQueen: Yep, that's all true. Way to go Meyer, you sexist idiot. And yes, I'm blaming Meyer for this because it's not just Jacob who takes on the "women are weak and small and delicate" mentality. Plus, Meyer is the one who made Jacob that way and I hate it so I'm blaming her anyway. But getting back to the point about how pathetic it is, Bella protests and clutches at Edward's arm, apparently believing that her dearest husband intends to kill her best friend. Again, very nice that she thinks both men are so wonderful and noble and yet doesn't even trust them to go out into the backyard without killing one another over her. *sigh* Edward assures her that they'll just be talking and strokes her face, which really gets Jake upset. "This made the room turn red, made me see fire-that, after all he'd done to her, he was still allowed to touch her that way." Yeah Jake, just like you shouldn't be allowed to touch her after you forcibly kissed her.
Link: Did he forget that Bella and Edward were married?
ZeldaQueen: Yes, but it looks like he thinks that Edward knocked up Bella and thus is reason for Edward to never be allowed near her again.
Link: But that's the thing - they're married! When two people are married, society tends to see nothing wrong with them having a good fu -
Midna: Link!
Link: - n time. What? And pregnancy tends to result from that. Bella made it fairly clear that she desperately wanted it. Edward is looking so extraordinarily anguished over this and Bella is lying on the sofa apparently being kept as comfortable as she pleases. It's not like the Cullens are just letting her writhe in pain while they cackle gleefully. Does Jacob put none of this together?
ZeldaQueen: Not at all. The two guys go out to the garden, after Bella tells Jacob to behave. After she seemed to think that Edward would be the one to attack. So they leave and we get this:
"For a second I was just a kid-a kid who had lived all of his life in the same tiny town. Just a child. Because I knew I would have to live a lot more, suffer a lot more, to ever understand the searing agony in Edward's eyes.
He raised a hand as if to wipe sweat from his forehead, but his fingers scraped against his face like they were going to rip his granite skin right off. His black eyes burned in their sockets, out of focus, or seeing things that weren't there. His mouth opened like he was going to scream, but nothing came out. This was the face a man would have if he were burning at the stake."
ZeldaQueen: Yes, Jake, you are a child. You're sixteen! Act like it! You have no more business being angsty or adult-ish than Rose or Holly Potter!
Link: They're really milking it, aren't they? I've been set on fire several times and didn't even scream.
Midna: You kind of yelped though.
ZeldaQueen: Jacob realizes that Bella is really dying from her pregnancy and gets even more angsty because now he knows she's dying for real, and it isn't his fault, and "...different because she was never really mine to lose"
Zant: *twitches*
Midna: You mean to tell me...
Link: He spent about two and a half books chasing after Bella and trying to get her to leave Edward for him and he up and admits here that she never loved him?
ZeldaQueen: I need a freaking drink. Guys?
Projection Room Voices: Yes?
ZeldaQueen: Make sure that the vending machines are stocked with 2% by the next break, alright?
Projection Room Voices: Sure.
ZeldaQueen: Great. So yeah, both dudes start angsting and Jacob asks why Carlisle doesn't remove the fetus. Edward explains that Bella wants to keep the baby and won't let them. Jake reflects how typical it is of Bella to be so noble and self-sacrificing for "monster spawn" - yeah right- and Edward explains how he assumed that Bella was scared when she was so quiet on their way home. Normally I'd be angry with that assumption, but I actually think that in that case, a little fear would be warranted. Except that Edward realizes that Bella was resolved, not afraid, and immediately sprang into Rosalie's arms and they made out.
Link: *chokes on spit* WHAT?
Projection Room Voices: Sorry about that, we got this mixed up with a Voldemort/Dobby fanfic.
ZeldaQueen: Dang, things might have started to get interesting. *screen is fixed* Bella rushes to Rosalie for protection. And then, we get this priceless bit:
"
'Just back up a second. She won't let you.' The sarcasm was acid on my tongue. 'Did you ever notice that she's exactly as strong as a normal hundred-and-ten-pound human girl? How stupid are you vamps? Hold her down and knock her out with drugs.'
'I wanted to,” he whispered. “Carlisle would have. . . .'
What, too noble were they?
'No. Not noble. Her bodyguard complicated things.'
Oh. His story hadn't made much sense before, but it fit together now. So that's what Blondie was up to. What was in it for her, though? Did the beauty queen want Bella to die so bad?
'Maybe,” he said. “Rosalie doesn't look at it quite that way.'
'So take the blonde out first. Your kind can be put back together, right? Turn her into a jigsaw and take care of Bella.'
'Emmett and Esme are backing her up. Emmett would never let us… and Carlisle won't help me with Esme against it. . . .' He trailed off, his voice disappearing."
Zant: Wow.
ZeldaQueen: I know. Let's review, shall we? First of all, Edward and Jacob want to force Bella to have an abortion. No that they want her to have one or suggest she should, they honestly consider drugging her and removing the fetus. Against her will. Now granted, I know I've said that Bella was being rather stupid about the whole pregnancy thing. But the fact remains that she made her choice. And the two men who supposedly respect her so much are willing to ignore that choice because they don't like it. And this isn't the first time either. Specific example that comes to mind? Eclipse, when Bella didn't want to apply to Dartmouth. What did Edward do? He forged her signature, scrounged up an essay, and submitted an application for her before she could blink. In this case though, it's even worse! Having a baby is much more personal than filling out application forms!
Midna: And of course the Soulmates always side with each other. Seriously, don't these couples ever argue about anything once they're blissfully married vampires?
Zant: Perhaps the vampiring process releases a chemical that lobotomizes them?
ZeldaQueen: Makes about as much sense as anything else here.
Link: Seriously though, they always are in agreement? I find it hard to believe that any couple would be like that. I mean, I don't always agree with -
All: *stare*
Midna: Go on Link!
Link: Oh, shut up and get back to sporking.
ZeldaQueen: Augh! And we were that close to solving one of the greatest Zelda mysteries... gah, I'm all disappointed. Zant! You take over sporking!
Zant: Horray! okay, well, we get Jacob getting angry with Edward some more for all of this - apparently Bella is blameless for not thinking about getting knocked-up - and Edward insists that he had no idea that it was possible because "There's never been anything like Bella and [him] before."
ZeldaQueen: *snorts*
Midna: So in the entire history of vampiring, only Edward and Bella loved each other enough to not kill her on the honeymoon?
Link: She just passed the Mary Sue test, can we order a hit on her?
ZeldaQueen: Link, that hit was called way back in Twilight, the instant the most popular boy in the school started lusting after her for no reason. Oh and *peers forward a bit on the Media* Edward makes mention of the succubi and incubi?
Midna: Correct.
ZeldaQueen: THEY ARE DEMONS! NOT VAMPIRES! THIS SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD!
Link: You'd best finish up quickly, Zant.
Zant: Right. So it seems that Edward is willing to propose a deal with Jacob. He assumes that Bella is desperate for a baby and so he...oh dear...
ZeldaQueen: What? What is it?
Zant: Nothing! Nothing at all!
Midna: *Glances at the screen* Ohhhh...
Link: Son of a monkey -
ZeldaQueen: *dangerously* What happens next?
Zant: Nothing! *tries to cover screen*
*several minute-long shuffle, before Zant is pried from screen*
ZeldaQueen: Let's see now - what quote is next?
"'I don't care about anything but keeping her alive,” he said, suddenly focused now. “If it's a child she wants, she can have it. She can have half a dozen babies. Anything she wants.” He paused for one beat. “She can have puppies, if that's what it takes.'"
ZeldaQueen: . . .
Zant: Erm...
Link: *reaches for Master Sword, only to remember he left it in his room*
ZeldaQueen: They actually...they're considering...
Midna: Could we get a break maybe?
ZeldaQueen: YAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Tosses spork at surveillance camera causing six-minute long black out*
Click to view*camera is finally fixed, revealing a highly demolished Sporking Chamber*
ZeldaQueen: Right. Midna, Zant, and Link have left for an early break, so I'll be finishing the sporking alone.
Yes folks, you saw that last quote right. Edward offered to let Jacob sleep with Bella and impregnate her in exchange for convincing her to get an abortion. Do I even have to start on how wrong that is? And again, Bella has no say in this. Edward and Jacob are conspiring behind her back. Edward never says to her "Dear, would you be willing to get an abortion if I allowed you to boink your best friend/alleged other love interest to get another?" How does he think Bella will be alright with this? Jacob at least recognizes that it's screwed up, and he still considers it tempting. And thinks how great the sight of Bella pregnant with his child would be.
Which is another thing: how idiotic is Edward anyway? Does he really think that Bella is like a dog, with any litter of puppies being the same as another, father-wise? Doesn't he realize that there's the danged good probability that Bella would want the child of her husband and not her alleged friend/discarded love interest? I mean, changelings were considered sinister for a reason. Babies aren't really interchangeable, you know. Well, Bella apparently never did tell him her fantasies about her pretty miniature-Edward-baby, so I guess he never realized this. Idiot.
And I'm not even going to touch on the "women should have babies" thing
Jacob, who at least as the brains that God gave a toaster oven, insists that Bella will never agree to it. Edward stands firm, believing that if Jacob talks to her, she'd start to lose resolve and go through with the abortion. He also promises not to back out of the baby deal and also promises Jacob that should Bella die, Jake would get no resistance over killing Edward. *sigh* Edward's 105 years old. It's not good that Jacob sounds like him in that regard. Anyway, they shake hands and I want to lie down.
Projection Room Voices: You...um...you might want to take a double-shift break.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, I think I will. God, what did Meyer do to the werewolves? They're all angsty and not in the understandable way at all! *goes off to drown her sorrows in milk and watch An American Werewolf In London on YouTube*
Onward to: Chapter 10: Why Didn't I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I'm An Idiot.
Back to: Chapter 8: Waiting For The Damn Fight To Start Already (Part 2)
Return to: Table of Contents