Christmas In The Realm - A Double Feature
ZeldaQueen: Hello to you all, and a very Merry Christmas! I know it's a bit late, but this is a little holiday treat for you - a double feature, starring our two favorite most infamous Mary Sues. Originally I was going to spork something Christmas-related, but I figured hey, that just makes people angry, and who wants to be upset on Christmas? So I went for something which (hopefully) will cheer folks up. Here we go!
LIGHTS DIM AND THE CURTAIN RISES FOR THE TWO ACTS
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Act 1 - Who's on First, starring Rose Potter and Ron Weasley
ROSE POTTER and RON WEASLEY stand on stage. Rose is completely naked, save for her TIME TURNER, MAGIC AMULET, DRUIDIC ARMOR, and WAND HOLSTER. Of course, these things are never used to help her out, and thus we are not sure why they were even brought along.
Ron: Hello, and welcome to the first Christmas special for the Realm of Idio - Literacy. I’m your host, Ron Weasley, and this is my co-host, Rose Potter
Rose: Now Ron, you know that you’re my cohost, because no one could dare measure up to my greatness
Ron: *gritting his teeth* Right. Well then, we might as well announce the first act. Who’s on first?
Rose: Correct
Ron: Who?
Rose: Oh Ron you stupid plebe, this is just a re-enactment of the Abet and Costello routine Who’s on First, first performed in 1938 -
ZELDAQUEEN bursts in on the scene, sending pieces of the fourth wall flying everywhere. She promptly clubs Rose with a lead pipe
ZeldaQueen: SHUT UP! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW! YOU’RE A FUNSUCKER WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR, NOW DIE!
Rose Potter is tossed into the orchestra pit, where a million furious Harry Potter fans impale her with sharpened violin bows and trombone slides. Because her "druidic armor" provides virtually no protection at all, she dies rather quickly. ZeldaQueen then reaches through the hole in the fourth wall and drags out KEIRAN HALCYON.
ZeldaQueen: And you! You think you’re the only one who recognizes stuff like this? How stupid do you think your readers are? Oh, never mind, anyone who likes your dreck has the brains of cauliflower. Oh, and if you’re describing teenagers in high school, don’t use pictures of porn stars as your references - just an FYI, bitch!
Keiran is thrown back through the fourth wall. After this bit of literary...enlightenment, he flees to Poland. His Rose Potter series goes unfinished, after the vast amounts of porn he amassed caused his computer to explode.
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THE WELCOMED DEATH OF HOLLY POTTER
The room was empty, except for a single chair. Tied to that chair was one Holly Potter, former Head Sue of a very screwed-up alternate universe for the Harry Potter world. She was screwing up her face, which was supposed to be her way of trying to telepathically call for help, but instead made it look like she has digestive problems. The lights flickered on, to reveal that she was not alone - she was surrounded by a countless number of men and women of varying ages and backgrounds. And by God, were they all pissed off.
“Right,” said one woman, her voice flavored with a very slight Southern accent. “I’ve been waiting a long time for this. I call first dibs."
“No, I call first dibs,” said another woman, in the same accent.
“Hyde, you didn’t even spork her!”
“I don’t care, I call first dibs anyway, just to spite you.”
“Can we get on with this?” asked a third woman, this one sporting both red hair and a flamethrower. “I went to all the trouble to polish this thing, after all.”
“Who are you?” asked Holly, narrowing her eyes. “How dare you - ack!”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said a twenty-year-old girl with brown hair. “Did that backhand to the face interrupt you? I do apologize, but after reading fifty million times about your narrowed eyes, seeing them in person just made me act on instincts.”
Holly began to smirk. “I don’t care, just as soon as I cont - that hurt!”
“I’m so very, very, sorry,” said the girl. “It’s just that your smirks infuriate me even more than your narrow eyes do. So really, there was no way to keep myself from pistol-whipping you with this whetstone I conveniently had in my pocket. Continue?”
“As I was saying,” said Holly, attempting her Mary Sue Death Glare, “Just as soon as I telepathically contact my Bond Mate Blaise, he’ll surely come to my rescue and kill you all.”
“Right. Blaise,” said the Southern-accented girl. “The guy who offered to burn cities for you, and who you cheerfully told you’d take up on that offer. I’m so going to summon Castiel’s divine wrath on your scrawny ass for that one.”
“As for the contacting,” said the brown-haired girl, “don’t even bother. You can’t reach him.”
“What?!?” shrieked Holly. “Why?”
“Dear lord, you are codependent, aren’t you?” asked the brown-haired girl. “Well for starters, he’s dead. OH, DON’T PULL THAT, YOU BITCH!” she added, as she saw tears well up in Holly’s eyes. “Your Mary Sue tricks won’t work here. We pulled you to the Realm of Literacy, which caused that flimsy make-believe world you created to disappear and everyone in it to vaporize, Blaise included. Now, you’re going to pay for your crimes against the Literary World and the fandom of Harry Potter.”
“Oh, really?” asked Holly, horrible sarcasm riddling her voice. “Such as?”
“Ron? Would you read off of the list?”
Ron Weasley stepped into the light, a list at hand. Holly began to narrow her eyes for another Death Glare, but he cut her off with a look of his own. He glanced back to the list. "Right," he said. "Holly Potter has been captured and sentenced to death for the crimes of impersonating and replacing the main canon character in a cliched fanfiction mold, making extensive use of non-canon powers which were used to overshadow and replace very similar canon ones, claiming foresight by virtue of having read ahead, demonization of characters you don't like, glorifying characters you do like, which includes making flimsy excuses for their inexcusable behavior, sociopathic tendencies, lack of characterization, overuse of purple prose, and general uselessness and idiocy." He rolled up the list and then glanced up at her again. "Oh yeah, on a more personal note, I know you hate me. I don't care. Honestly, I'm used to it by now. But you made my sister into a spineless baby who you laughed at and you were a bitch to Hermione when she was nice to you. So..."
Holly gave a shriek of pain and fury as Ron punched her square in the face. There was a burst of applause from the group of people.
"Damn," whistled a woman in a blond wig and nice dress. "That's going to break her nose worse than Dumbledore's."
“How are we going to finish her off?” asked a guy with a light saber.
"I suggest death by an enraged Ariana Dumbledore," said the blond-wigged girl.
“Okay, okay,” said a twenty-year-old girl with brown hair. “We all know that Sues are ridiculously long-lasting. Everyone can have a shot. Mervin gets a turn first, then Guardian_Song and then Ket. After all, they put up with her first. After that, we can form a nice, orderly line. Lurking Runcible, you get first swing after them and we'll go from there."
A charmingly peculiar fish-like being in a stylish top hat smiled, revealing a set of very charming teeth. It glanced at the Sue and its smile suddenly became far less charming. "It would be my pleasure"
One hour later, everyone had let off their steam and Shaolina was finishing whaling on the Sue with a parasol. "And this is for thinking you could speak Spanish!" she shouted as she gave the final blow.
With that, the spell of the Mary Sue was lifted. As she began to scream, a million cracks began to run down her body. Like an ancient china doll, brittle flakes began to chip off. She attempted to throw herself forward, forgetting that she was still tied to the chair. She quickly overbalanced and fell sideways to the floor. Upon impact with the ground, she broke into a million sparkly little pieces.
There was a moment of silence as the crowd stared at the glittery pile. Finally, "The janitor can take it from here," said the brown-haired girl. "Let's go watch A Christmas Story."
And the crowd dispensed, cheered in the knowledge that the fandom was that much less angsty.
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ZeldaQueen: So yeah, hope you all enjoyed that and I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas!
Return to the Sporking Chamber
LIGHTS DIM AND THE CURTAIN RISES FOR THE TWO ACTS
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Act 1 - Who's on First, starring Rose Potter and Ron Weasley
ROSE POTTER and RON WEASLEY stand on stage. Rose is completely naked, save for her TIME TURNER, MAGIC AMULET, DRUIDIC ARMOR, and WAND HOLSTER. Of course, these things are never used to help her out, and thus we are not sure why they were even brought along.
Ron: Hello, and welcome to the first Christmas special for the Realm of Idio - Literacy. I’m your host, Ron Weasley, and this is my co-host, Rose Potter
Rose: Now Ron, you know that you’re my cohost, because no one could dare measure up to my greatness
Ron: *gritting his teeth* Right. Well then, we might as well announce the first act. Who’s on first?
Rose: Correct
Ron: Who?
Rose: Oh Ron you stupid plebe, this is just a re-enactment of the Abet and Costello routine Who’s on First, first performed in 1938 -
ZELDAQUEEN bursts in on the scene, sending pieces of the fourth wall flying everywhere. She promptly clubs Rose with a lead pipe
ZeldaQueen: SHUT UP! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW! YOU’RE A FUNSUCKER WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR, NOW DIE!
Rose Potter is tossed into the orchestra pit, where a million furious Harry Potter fans impale her with sharpened violin bows and trombone slides. Because her "druidic armor" provides virtually no protection at all, she dies rather quickly. ZeldaQueen then reaches through the hole in the fourth wall and drags out KEIRAN HALCYON.
ZeldaQueen: And you! You think you’re the only one who recognizes stuff like this? How stupid do you think your readers are? Oh, never mind, anyone who likes your dreck has the brains of cauliflower. Oh, and if you’re describing teenagers in high school, don’t use pictures of porn stars as your references - just an FYI, bitch!
Keiran is thrown back through the fourth wall. After this bit of literary...enlightenment, he flees to Poland. His Rose Potter series goes unfinished, after the vast amounts of porn he amassed caused his computer to explode.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE WELCOMED DEATH OF HOLLY POTTER
The room was empty, except for a single chair. Tied to that chair was one Holly Potter, former Head Sue of a very screwed-up alternate universe for the Harry Potter world. She was screwing up her face, which was supposed to be her way of trying to telepathically call for help, but instead made it look like she has digestive problems. The lights flickered on, to reveal that she was not alone - she was surrounded by a countless number of men and women of varying ages and backgrounds. And by God, were they all pissed off.
“Right,” said one woman, her voice flavored with a very slight Southern accent. “I’ve been waiting a long time for this. I call first dibs."
“No, I call first dibs,” said another woman, in the same accent.
“Hyde, you didn’t even spork her!”
“I don’t care, I call first dibs anyway, just to spite you.”
“Can we get on with this?” asked a third woman, this one sporting both red hair and a flamethrower. “I went to all the trouble to polish this thing, after all.”
“Who are you?” asked Holly, narrowing her eyes. “How dare you - ack!”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said a twenty-year-old girl with brown hair. “Did that backhand to the face interrupt you? I do apologize, but after reading fifty million times about your narrowed eyes, seeing them in person just made me act on instincts.”
Holly began to smirk. “I don’t care, just as soon as I cont - that hurt!”
“I’m so very, very, sorry,” said the girl. “It’s just that your smirks infuriate me even more than your narrow eyes do. So really, there was no way to keep myself from pistol-whipping you with this whetstone I conveniently had in my pocket. Continue?”
“As I was saying,” said Holly, attempting her Mary Sue Death Glare, “Just as soon as I telepathically contact my Bond Mate Blaise, he’ll surely come to my rescue and kill you all.”
“Right. Blaise,” said the Southern-accented girl. “The guy who offered to burn cities for you, and who you cheerfully told you’d take up on that offer. I’m so going to summon Castiel’s divine wrath on your scrawny ass for that one.”
“As for the contacting,” said the brown-haired girl, “don’t even bother. You can’t reach him.”
“What?!?” shrieked Holly. “Why?”
“Dear lord, you are codependent, aren’t you?” asked the brown-haired girl. “Well for starters, he’s dead. OH, DON’T PULL THAT, YOU BITCH!” she added, as she saw tears well up in Holly’s eyes. “Your Mary Sue tricks won’t work here. We pulled you to the Realm of Literacy, which caused that flimsy make-believe world you created to disappear and everyone in it to vaporize, Blaise included. Now, you’re going to pay for your crimes against the Literary World and the fandom of Harry Potter.”
“Oh, really?” asked Holly, horrible sarcasm riddling her voice. “Such as?”
“Ron? Would you read off of the list?”
Ron Weasley stepped into the light, a list at hand. Holly began to narrow her eyes for another Death Glare, but he cut her off with a look of his own. He glanced back to the list. "Right," he said. "Holly Potter has been captured and sentenced to death for the crimes of impersonating and replacing the main canon character in a cliched fanfiction mold, making extensive use of non-canon powers which were used to overshadow and replace very similar canon ones, claiming foresight by virtue of having read ahead, demonization of characters you don't like, glorifying characters you do like, which includes making flimsy excuses for their inexcusable behavior, sociopathic tendencies, lack of characterization, overuse of purple prose, and general uselessness and idiocy." He rolled up the list and then glanced up at her again. "Oh yeah, on a more personal note, I know you hate me. I don't care. Honestly, I'm used to it by now. But you made my sister into a spineless baby who you laughed at and you were a bitch to Hermione when she was nice to you. So..."
Holly gave a shriek of pain and fury as Ron punched her square in the face. There was a burst of applause from the group of people.
"Damn," whistled a woman in a blond wig and nice dress. "That's going to break her nose worse than Dumbledore's."
“How are we going to finish her off?” asked a guy with a light saber.
"I suggest death by an enraged Ariana Dumbledore," said the blond-wigged girl.
“Okay, okay,” said a twenty-year-old girl with brown hair. “We all know that Sues are ridiculously long-lasting. Everyone can have a shot. Mervin gets a turn first, then Guardian_Song and then Ket. After all, they put up with her first. After that, we can form a nice, orderly line. Lurking Runcible, you get first swing after them and we'll go from there."
A charmingly peculiar fish-like being in a stylish top hat smiled, revealing a set of very charming teeth. It glanced at the Sue and its smile suddenly became far less charming. "It would be my pleasure"
One hour later, everyone had let off their steam and Shaolina was finishing whaling on the Sue with a parasol. "And this is for thinking you could speak Spanish!" she shouted as she gave the final blow.
With that, the spell of the Mary Sue was lifted. As she began to scream, a million cracks began to run down her body. Like an ancient china doll, brittle flakes began to chip off. She attempted to throw herself forward, forgetting that she was still tied to the chair. She quickly overbalanced and fell sideways to the floor. Upon impact with the ground, she broke into a million sparkly little pieces.
There was a moment of silence as the crowd stared at the glittery pile. Finally, "The janitor can take it from here," said the brown-haired girl. "Let's go watch A Christmas Story."
And the crowd dispensed, cheered in the knowledge that the fandom was that much less angsty.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ZeldaQueen: So yeah, hope you all enjoyed that and I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas!
Return to the Sporking Chamber