The Short Second Life Of Bree Tanner: Part 5
ZeldaQueen: Howdy-do everyone! Sorry about how long it's been, I've had some stuff going on. Zyn and Leah are off recovering, so it's just me today. Woot!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 5
ZeldaQueen: Right. *flips through sporking notes* So when we last left Bitch and Ski - erm, Bree and Diego, they had begun to get as logical as folks in a Meyer tale get. Diego just proved that staking does nothing. Bree freaked out a whole lot.
Bree theorizes that the stake thing only works when humans do it. Lady, wake up! You're supposed to be a huge reader, it's not like no one's ever gone beyond vampire canon and played with the idea that "real" vampires aren't like the ones in myths! Anyway, there's already plenty of proof that that you aren't like mythical vampires! Those sorts of vampires have waxy skin and fangs and claws, if I recall. You are marble-ish with no fangs or claws at all.
Diego laughs at that and basically says that there's no way humans have that sort of power. Because humanity sucks. GAH!
Bree says that she didn't make up the stories and Diego suggests for the first time that the various vampire stories were, in fact, made up. No, you think??? Bree asks what of it, if the stories are made up. MAYBE IT MEANS THAT YOU'VE BEEN LIED TO! MAYBE IT MEANS THAT YOU AREN'T NEARLY AS LIMITED AS YOU THOUGHT, SO THERE IS NO REASON WHY YOU CAN'T JUST RUN AWAY TO A SAFER PLACE! DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, YOU PEOPLE HAVE ROCKS FOR BRAINS! HOLLOW ROCKS!!!
Diego says that he just wants to have everything straight in his head and that talking to someone helps. He tells Bree that he's "really glad [she] came out tonight". Hey, wasn't it Diego and Riley who were in the closet? He then proposes that she be his "bestest bud forever", and I really don't think that teenagers from the ghetto talk like that. Heck, I don't think anyone talks like that. Bree gives him a high five and he holds her hand. She starts going on about how this is all so foreign and weird and I hate it for two reasons. The first is that it just reeks of Holly "I'm abused and twitch at physical contact" Potter and the second is this bit.
"because the last three months were my whole life"
ZeldaQueen: I know Meyer was trying to go for the idea that Bree can't remember her human life at all and thus only has her three vampire months. But I don't buy it. Why? Because Bree seems to be able to draw up her human memories whenever she needs to for the plot. That coupled with the fact that Bree just hated her old life and was glad to be shot of it seems to send the usual "humans suck and vampires are so much better!" vibe.
They start fooling around and talking about how they're a private club and need a secret handshake. I'm sure that this again is Meyer trying to have them be casual and silly and I'm also sure that in a better-handled scenario, it would. But right now, it just feels like a light switch. Like Bree suddenly went from "overly hostile" to "silly weirdo". Anyway, they start trying to figure out if Riley is "Clueless? Misinformed? Or lying?" Oh, so they're only worrying about that now? GAH! Anyway, we get another complete Big Lipped Alligator of a comment as Bree notes thus.
"There was no change as he said Riley's name. In that instant, I was sure there was nothing to the stories about Diego and Riley. Diego had just been around more than the others, nothing more. I could trust him"
ZeldaQueen: *COUGH*
I think that speaks quite well for itself. Anyway, shaolina covered it already, quite nicely.
Bree points out that they must figure out Riley's agenda. Again, WHY DIDN'T YOU WONDER ABOUT THIS THREE MONTHS AGO, YOU DOOFUS? I mean, Jesus Christ! She's been talking since the beginning about how Riley doesn't care if they rip each other up or fight just so long as they don't get noticed, so it's pretty damned clear he wasn't just turning them into vampires because he thought it was a favor! Does vampire-ism cause partial lobotomies? Does it make one's brain juice turn to venom and cook the gray matter? What?
Diego agrees with Bree and decides that they need to try another experiment first. He starts digging upward and Bree starts to freak out once again at the thought of going into the sunlight. Lady, you already started to figure out that the myths don't apply! I can understand worrying about one's life, but this is starting to get ridiculous! Bree just keeps panicking though, and asks Diego to please knock it off, even though "he would probably laugh, knowing he wouldn't listen". *Scratches head* Why is Meyer incapable of writing male love interests that aren't condescending asshats? And is it just me, or does it smack of Bella thinking how Edward bought her the armor-proof car and knew he'd laugh about it?
Diego just tells Bree to trust him and at the last minute, reveals that he's only going to let in a little sunlight, because "[he's] not a reckless person". No, just a stupid one. Bree notes that Diego isn't going up in smoke from the secondhand light on him and decides that "maybe" he was telling the truth about hiding under trees before. Um, Bree? Why would he lie? Bree notices that Diego seems to start glowing as he leans closer to the light and oh joy, I was so looking forward to learning about this again. But of course Meyer just can't have him stick his hand in the light and get it over with. No, she pads it out and has Diego slowly move in as Bree freaks out and keeps thinking that he'll go up in smoke any second know. Meyer, dear, please listen. WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR VAMPIRES WHEN THEY GO INTO DIRECT SUNLIGHT! THERE IS NO POINT IN STRETCHING IT OUT! YES, BREE AND DIEGO DON'T KNOW, BUT WE DO! THUS, THERE IS NO TENSION FOR THIS! WE'RE NOT GOING TO THINK "OH GEE, MAYBE THIS ONE TIME THEY'LL ACTUALLY CATCH ON FIRE"! GET ON WITH IT!!!!!
*Sigh* Apparently Meyer is determined to ignore me, as Diego reaches into the sunlight and Bree football-tackles him out of the way. She feels warmth on her leg and sees that a dog is peeing on it it's stuck in the sunlight. AND SHE STILL THINKS SHE'S GOING TO DIE FROM THIS! DEAR GOD, THIS GIRL IS STUPID! And it JUST. WON'T. END!!!! Not even when she feels no pain, nope, she just closes her eyes and yanks her leg out of the light and keeps going on about woe is her, this is so much worse than when a random vampire named Jen ripped her one limb off, because her leg is surely ash and completely gone, even though she felt no pain or anything!!!!! AUGH!
Diego finally gets Bree to see that her leg is fine, and even then, Bree still is skeptical, saying that her leg doesn't hurt "yet". Diego goes to stick his own hand into the light and tells her not to knock him over again, since they now know that sunlight doesn't kill them. Bree still is freaking out! *gnaws on fingers* FINALLY, we get a geyser of prose as Diego shoves his hand into the light beam and it starts sparkling. And SON OF A BITCH, Bree continues to freak out because the sunlight bounces off of Diego like he's a mirror or something and thus she has sunlight all over her. WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF, YOU STUPID TWAT?
Well, we get more gushing over how gorgeous Diego is, glowing like a prism, and how it's like he has mirrors all over his body, but is reflecting the sunlight with twice the intensity of a normal mirror. I'm...pretty sure that's not how it works. Diego suggests that Bree gives it a shot and she wants to, but still is freaked out. She also says that she's moving "slow as a human", and I cannot wait for her to be offed at the end of this.
Bree stands in the light and OH MY GOD, she doesn't burn up either! What an amazing twist! She wonders if Riley was as misinformed as they were about the sunlight thing and wonders why, if he did know about it, he'd care if they knew or not. Excuse me for a minute, dear viewers. *clears throat*
MAYBE HE'S LYING TO YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!!!!! MAYBE HE'S USING IT AS A WAY TO MANIPULATE AND CONTROL YOU! IF YOU DON'T GO OUT IN THE SUNLIGHT, THEN THAT LIMITS HOW FAR OR LONG YOU HAVE TO RUN AWAY! IT'S PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIPULATION!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU SO SUSPICIOUS OF DIEGO, THE GUY WHO WAS PERFECTLY NICE TO YOU AT THE BEGINNING, BUT TOTALLY TRUST THE GUY WHO DOESN'T CARE IF YOU GET KILLED OR RIPPED UP? GOD!!!!!
ZeldaQueen: Sorry about that. Anyway, Diego comments that the sparkling must have been the source of the myth that vampires go up in flames in sunlight, because "[i]magine if you saw this when you were human. Wouldn't you think that the guy over there just burst into flames?" No, no I wouldn't. I would think that he was glowing like a nightlight, perhaps using some sort of special effect or chemical coating to make himself look like that. There is difference between light shining off of a person harmlessly like with mirrors and a person being set on fire. People on fire scream and run around and slowly turn black as their hair and clothes and skin go crispy. Anyone with half a brain could tell the difference, even back in the olden days. On another note, according to this site, it's a *ahem* myth that vampires burn in sunlight, and that most beliefs state that vampires go blind in the sun. My own knowledge of original vampire mythology is rather sketchy, but I do believe that the "burns in sunlight" thing is a Hollywood invention, along with turning into a bat.
I'm still in a bad mood, because Jesus H. Christ, Bree is still scared about going into sunlight! She follows Diego outside so he won't think she's a "total chicken", but keeps freaking out. Even though she knows now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she won't die in sunlight.
HOW STUPID IS THIS BROAD?
Anyway, she tries to hand wave it by saying that she associates the sunlight with the fire she felt when she was turned into a vampire. I still don't buy it.
They get out of the hole and we get to the part of the story that you just know Meyer was itching to write. Bree looks at Diego and thinks "the whole BFF thing was way off the mark. For me, anyway. It was just that fast". You know, given how Bree's been going on about how she has had nobody ever show her any affection before and how she's so suspicious of everyone, if I had someone in that position come on to me after one day of association, I'd assume that they were screwed up from isolation or something and gently try to remind them that they were most likely just crushing or stressed and needed to take more time to think it over. I mean, it just smacks of "we nearly died and could die any day now, so let's have sex!" But no, this is Meyerland, so of course it's True Love, gag me. And of course, Diego starts to stroke Bree's face and says that she's "[s]o pretty" and they really are the poor man's Bella and Edward, just standing there, staring at each other with minimal body contact. Bree also mentions that they're glowing like "glass torches", and because this is so boring, I find myself wondering why no one's noticed them yet. Oh wait, Bree hand waves it by saying that there were no boats, and even the "mud-eyed" humans could see them. Yep, really can't wait for her to die. I think I'll make popcorn for the occasion.
And, just like in Breaking Dawn, the weather miraculously changes at the most convenient moment, just for them. In this case, a cloud covers the sun and mostly dulls their glitter so the silly, weak-eyed humans wouldn't have a prayer of noticing them. Yes, that's pretty much how Bree says it. Meyer's so great at making characters that are easy to empathize with, isn't she?
But seriously, what the hell? They're in love now? After one day? One day? I'm sorry, but is Meyer incapable of writing a character who goes for one fucking day without finding her soul mate? I mean, how utterly convenient that the only male character who gets any development is the one Bree hooks up with! I need a freaking drink
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Onward to: Part 6
Back To: Part 4
Back to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Part 5
ZeldaQueen: Right. *flips through sporking notes* So when we last left Bitch and Ski - erm, Bree and Diego, they had begun to get as logical as folks in a Meyer tale get. Diego just proved that staking does nothing. Bree freaked out a whole lot.
Bree theorizes that the stake thing only works when humans do it. Lady, wake up! You're supposed to be a huge reader, it's not like no one's ever gone beyond vampire canon and played with the idea that "real" vampires aren't like the ones in myths! Anyway, there's already plenty of proof that that you aren't like mythical vampires! Those sorts of vampires have waxy skin and fangs and claws, if I recall. You are marble-ish with no fangs or claws at all.
Diego laughs at that and basically says that there's no way humans have that sort of power. Because humanity sucks. GAH!
Bree says that she didn't make up the stories and Diego suggests for the first time that the various vampire stories were, in fact, made up. No, you think??? Bree asks what of it, if the stories are made up. MAYBE IT MEANS THAT YOU'VE BEEN LIED TO! MAYBE IT MEANS THAT YOU AREN'T NEARLY AS LIMITED AS YOU THOUGHT, SO THERE IS NO REASON WHY YOU CAN'T JUST RUN AWAY TO A SAFER PLACE! DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, YOU PEOPLE HAVE ROCKS FOR BRAINS! HOLLOW ROCKS!!!
Diego says that he just wants to have everything straight in his head and that talking to someone helps. He tells Bree that he's "really glad [she] came out tonight". Hey, wasn't it Diego and Riley who were in the closet? He then proposes that she be his "bestest bud forever", and I really don't think that teenagers from the ghetto talk like that. Heck, I don't think anyone talks like that. Bree gives him a high five and he holds her hand. She starts going on about how this is all so foreign and weird and I hate it for two reasons. The first is that it just reeks of Holly "I'm abused and twitch at physical contact" Potter and the second is this bit.
"because the last three months were my whole life"
ZeldaQueen: I know Meyer was trying to go for the idea that Bree can't remember her human life at all and thus only has her three vampire months. But I don't buy it. Why? Because Bree seems to be able to draw up her human memories whenever she needs to for the plot. That coupled with the fact that Bree just hated her old life and was glad to be shot of it seems to send the usual "humans suck and vampires are so much better!" vibe.
They start fooling around and talking about how they're a private club and need a secret handshake. I'm sure that this again is Meyer trying to have them be casual and silly and I'm also sure that in a better-handled scenario, it would. But right now, it just feels like a light switch. Like Bree suddenly went from "overly hostile" to "silly weirdo". Anyway, they start trying to figure out if Riley is "Clueless? Misinformed? Or lying?" Oh, so they're only worrying about that now? GAH! Anyway, we get another complete Big Lipped Alligator of a comment as Bree notes thus.
"There was no change as he said Riley's name. In that instant, I was sure there was nothing to the stories about Diego and Riley. Diego had just been around more than the others, nothing more. I could trust him"
ZeldaQueen: *COUGH*
I think that speaks quite well for itself. Anyway, shaolina covered it already, quite nicely.
Bree points out that they must figure out Riley's agenda. Again, WHY DIDN'T YOU WONDER ABOUT THIS THREE MONTHS AGO, YOU DOOFUS? I mean, Jesus Christ! She's been talking since the beginning about how Riley doesn't care if they rip each other up or fight just so long as they don't get noticed, so it's pretty damned clear he wasn't just turning them into vampires because he thought it was a favor! Does vampire-ism cause partial lobotomies? Does it make one's brain juice turn to venom and cook the gray matter? What?
Diego agrees with Bree and decides that they need to try another experiment first. He starts digging upward and Bree starts to freak out once again at the thought of going into the sunlight. Lady, you already started to figure out that the myths don't apply! I can understand worrying about one's life, but this is starting to get ridiculous! Bree just keeps panicking though, and asks Diego to please knock it off, even though "he would probably laugh, knowing he wouldn't listen". *Scratches head* Why is Meyer incapable of writing male love interests that aren't condescending asshats? And is it just me, or does it smack of Bella thinking how Edward bought her the armor-proof car and knew he'd laugh about it?
Diego just tells Bree to trust him and at the last minute, reveals that he's only going to let in a little sunlight, because "[he's] not a reckless person". No, just a stupid one. Bree notes that Diego isn't going up in smoke from the secondhand light on him and decides that "maybe" he was telling the truth about hiding under trees before. Um, Bree? Why would he lie? Bree notices that Diego seems to start glowing as he leans closer to the light and oh joy, I was so looking forward to learning about this again. But of course Meyer just can't have him stick his hand in the light and get it over with. No, she pads it out and has Diego slowly move in as Bree freaks out and keeps thinking that he'll go up in smoke any second know. Meyer, dear, please listen. WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR VAMPIRES WHEN THEY GO INTO DIRECT SUNLIGHT! THERE IS NO POINT IN STRETCHING IT OUT! YES, BREE AND DIEGO DON'T KNOW, BUT WE DO! THUS, THERE IS NO TENSION FOR THIS! WE'RE NOT GOING TO THINK "OH GEE, MAYBE THIS ONE TIME THEY'LL ACTUALLY CATCH ON FIRE"! GET ON WITH IT!!!!!
*Sigh* Apparently Meyer is determined to ignore me, as Diego reaches into the sunlight and Bree football-tackles him out of the way. She feels warmth on her leg and sees that a dog is peeing on it it's stuck in the sunlight. AND SHE STILL THINKS SHE'S GOING TO DIE FROM THIS! DEAR GOD, THIS GIRL IS STUPID! And it JUST. WON'T. END!!!! Not even when she feels no pain, nope, she just closes her eyes and yanks her leg out of the light and keeps going on about woe is her, this is so much worse than when a random vampire named Jen ripped her one limb off, because her leg is surely ash and completely gone, even though she felt no pain or anything!!!!! AUGH!
Diego finally gets Bree to see that her leg is fine, and even then, Bree still is skeptical, saying that her leg doesn't hurt "yet". Diego goes to stick his own hand into the light and tells her not to knock him over again, since they now know that sunlight doesn't kill them. Bree still is freaking out! *gnaws on fingers* FINALLY, we get a geyser of prose as Diego shoves his hand into the light beam and it starts sparkling. And SON OF A BITCH, Bree continues to freak out because the sunlight bounces off of Diego like he's a mirror or something and thus she has sunlight all over her. WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF, YOU STUPID TWAT?
Well, we get more gushing over how gorgeous Diego is, glowing like a prism, and how it's like he has mirrors all over his body, but is reflecting the sunlight with twice the intensity of a normal mirror. I'm...pretty sure that's not how it works. Diego suggests that Bree gives it a shot and she wants to, but still is freaked out. She also says that she's moving "slow as a human", and I cannot wait for her to be offed at the end of this.
Bree stands in the light and OH MY GOD, she doesn't burn up either! What an amazing twist! She wonders if Riley was as misinformed as they were about the sunlight thing and wonders why, if he did know about it, he'd care if they knew or not. Excuse me for a minute, dear viewers. *clears throat*
MAYBE HE'S LYING TO YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!!!!! MAYBE HE'S USING IT AS A WAY TO MANIPULATE AND CONTROL YOU! IF YOU DON'T GO OUT IN THE SUNLIGHT, THEN THAT LIMITS HOW FAR OR LONG YOU HAVE TO RUN AWAY! IT'S PSYCHOLOGICAL MANIPULATION!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU SO SUSPICIOUS OF DIEGO, THE GUY WHO WAS PERFECTLY NICE TO YOU AT THE BEGINNING, BUT TOTALLY TRUST THE GUY WHO DOESN'T CARE IF YOU GET KILLED OR RIPPED UP? GOD!!!!!
ZeldaQueen: Sorry about that. Anyway, Diego comments that the sparkling must have been the source of the myth that vampires go up in flames in sunlight, because "[i]magine if you saw this when you were human. Wouldn't you think that the guy over there just burst into flames?" No, no I wouldn't. I would think that he was glowing like a nightlight, perhaps using some sort of special effect or chemical coating to make himself look like that. There is difference between light shining off of a person harmlessly like with mirrors and a person being set on fire. People on fire scream and run around and slowly turn black as their hair and clothes and skin go crispy. Anyone with half a brain could tell the difference, even back in the olden days. On another note, according to this site, it's a *ahem* myth that vampires burn in sunlight, and that most beliefs state that vampires go blind in the sun. My own knowledge of original vampire mythology is rather sketchy, but I do believe that the "burns in sunlight" thing is a Hollywood invention, along with turning into a bat.
I'm still in a bad mood, because Jesus H. Christ, Bree is still scared about going into sunlight! She follows Diego outside so he won't think she's a "total chicken", but keeps freaking out. Even though she knows now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she won't die in sunlight.
HOW STUPID IS THIS BROAD?
Anyway, she tries to hand wave it by saying that she associates the sunlight with the fire she felt when she was turned into a vampire. I still don't buy it.
They get out of the hole and we get to the part of the story that you just know Meyer was itching to write. Bree looks at Diego and thinks "the whole BFF thing was way off the mark. For me, anyway. It was just that fast". You know, given how Bree's been going on about how she has had nobody ever show her any affection before and how she's so suspicious of everyone, if I had someone in that position come on to me after one day of association, I'd assume that they were screwed up from isolation or something and gently try to remind them that they were most likely just crushing or stressed and needed to take more time to think it over. I mean, it just smacks of "we nearly died and could die any day now, so let's have sex!" But no, this is Meyerland, so of course it's True Love, gag me. And of course, Diego starts to stroke Bree's face and says that she's "[s]o pretty" and they really are the poor man's Bella and Edward, just standing there, staring at each other with minimal body contact. Bree also mentions that they're glowing like "glass torches", and because this is so boring, I find myself wondering why no one's noticed them yet. Oh wait, Bree hand waves it by saying that there were no boats, and even the "mud-eyed" humans could see them. Yep, really can't wait for her to die. I think I'll make popcorn for the occasion.
And, just like in Breaking Dawn, the weather miraculously changes at the most convenient moment, just for them. In this case, a cloud covers the sun and mostly dulls their glitter so the silly, weak-eyed humans wouldn't have a prayer of noticing them. Yes, that's pretty much how Bree says it. Meyer's so great at making characters that are easy to empathize with, isn't she?
But seriously, what the hell? They're in love now? After one day? One day? I'm sorry, but is Meyer incapable of writing a character who goes for one fucking day without finding her soul mate? I mean, how utterly convenient that the only male character who gets any development is the one Bree hooks up with! I need a freaking drink
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