The Legend Of Rah And The Muggles: Chapter Four - New Life On Aura

May 23, 2010 22:29

ZeldaQueen: Stupidity? Check. Utter pointlessness? Check. Complete filler of a chapter? Oh yeah, check. We're clear for take-off!

Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Four: New Life On Aura

ZeldaQueen: Of course, the Muggles instantly lose their fear because the babies are just so freaking adorable and all. We're reminded of how Pitter and Patter normally never let go of their hands because they love each other and then get smacked upside the head with how significant it is that they finally have let go of each others' hands, just to pick up the babies. Considering that Muggles are supposed to be about three feet tall, fully grown, I personally think it's kind of impressive that a couple of twelve-year-olds are carrying them at all. We get a lot of pointless talk about what the two Muggle children are wearing before everyone finally brings the children back to the village.

We're then introduced to Nona, the unmarried daughter of Yur and Golda. Great, another person randomly introduced. If we actually had to care about these people, this would start to get a tad confusing. Anyway, Nona asks where the babies are from and Golda tells her that there's no identification as to who they are. You know, besides the fact that they had a box full of jewels and a quilted blanket, which surely is some sort of symbol of wealth and status. Oh well. Gold a personally wonders why the babies were sent from their mother and figures that there must have been a good reason. Well, she wanted to boink her butler. Does that count?

Apparently while Nona is unmarried, she has cared for a good many Muggle children and upon hearing that the twins need care, agrees to adopt them. Apparently the fact that they'll tower over her in a few years doesn't specifically occur to her, although she does mention that there'll be "a few problems to solve". Golda handwaves this by saying that they'll "just have to solve each problem as it comes, one by one". Wow, these people are terrible planners, aren't they?

We get fed some nonsense about how the Muggle world was so uncomplicated before the babies showed up, since everyone just assumed that there was no life outside of Aura. So they thought that they were all there was? Wouldn't that ancient book of secrets thing tell them about other nations? How is it that they can remember the concept of "sun" on the dime but not that? Oh, and we get a list of places in the area, which tells us that Stouffer is absolutely terrible when it comes to naming locations. There is the "Mirror Mountain" to the north, the shoreline of Auro to the south, "Lemonade Lake" (which will show up later) and "Fuzzy Forest" to the east, and "Volcano d'rue" and "the Pool of Pyro" to the west. So they're bordered by mountains, a lake, a volcano, and a forest. Apparently they live in Terminia.

Evidently the adopting of foundlings is enough to warrant building Nona a house, since she apparently didn't have one before. It's a tree house, which apparently she's always wanted to have and can finally live in. What? Is it some Muggle rite of passage to build someone a tree house when they adopt babies that wash up on the shore? And given that the Muggles have no idea how big the twins will end up growing, wouldn't it be a good idea to keep them in a safer location, like - oh, say - on the ground?

We're also treated to some of Yur reflecting on how happy he is that his daughter finally has children to take care of. For some inexplicable reason, Stouffer describes him sitting on the porch, watching everything, in first person, again giving the impression that he's still sitting on the porch. He also shouts out to make the roof high enough to somehow keep away "those darn 'Greeblies'". Stouffer kindly informs us that Greeblies are "fat ratlike rodents that live in Sticky Icky Swamp and often hide beneath boulders. They are nocturnal little pests with faces that resemble rabbits, and their large round ears curl slightly forward at the top. Their bodies are covered with coarse hair with black tips that look like they were dipped in ink". And I'm going to be kind and leave off there, because Stouffer goes on for two more paragraphs about the characteristics of Greeblies. And then gives us two more about "Nardles", which are apparently sand dogs that are the only things that scare Greeblies. It seems that Muggles keep Nardles as pets and feed them Greeblies, although the sentences here are so wonky that I first thought Stouffer was saying that the Muggles trap and eat the Nardles.

Seriously, Stouffer, you can't just stop your story for infodumps like this! Especially for such trivial things which don't really impact the story at all! Spoilers folks - Nardles and Greeblies don't really factor into this story at all! If something is important though, slip it in through conversation! Show, don't tell! Don't just have someone say "Oh yeah, what about those dad-blasted whatevers!" and then put the story on hold to tell us everything about whatevers! It just doesn't work!

Not to mention the fact that the names here completely suck. It honestly just sounds like Stouffer was staring at the page, trying to think of what to call the stuff, and just started pulling random words out of midair. Because I've thought of better names when parodying Jim Henson skits.

Not to mention pulling the "Sticky Icky Swamp" out midair like that. So, where exactly is this place on the map? Where does a swamp fit in with the rest of the geography? You don't know, do you Stouffer? You fail geography forever!

Oh gag me, we get more pointless infodumping about "Bluster", who is apparently Golda's nephew and the son of her youngest sister, a lady named Renona. I have no idea why Renona is even named, because we're immediately told that she died when Bluster was seven (he's sixteen now) and her husband died six months later. Stouffer tries to get readers to realize that Bluster identifies with the abandoned twins because of this, but she sort of fails since she outright tells us this instead of showing it. He suggests that they get a Nardle or two to keep the Greeblies away and this starting to sound like a really bad Doctor Seuss parody.

Bluster goes and drags some Nardles back and we get told instead of shown how they're "friendly but hesitant". We're also told...the heck? We're told that the Nardles are "the size of lions". Lions. Freaking lions. THE HECK? Stouffer, you told us that Muggles are three and a half freaking feet tall! Do you know how tall a lion is? Three and a half feet! Which means that this popular pet of theirs? It's exactly as tall as they are! How is that practical? How can they keep multiple ones? How is it that this is the only animal that can catch rat-like animals? Are there no cats or owls on Aura? Stouffer, are you aware of how difficult it is to keep large animals as pets? Gah!

Anywho, the house is built twenty feet in the air (well that's smart, why don't you toss the kids off a cliff while you're at it?) and we get some scenery porn of the house, worthy of My Inner Life. Apparently this is all so historic that Yur writes it down in the Ancient Book of Tales, under the title of "The Year of the S.U.N.". Gah. Oh, and we get mention of Golda's children and grandchildren singing a "Muggle-Bye" to the infants. How cute. *gags* Incidentally, Stouffer gives us the lyrics and score to the thing at the end of the book. As we'll see later, Stouffer kind of sucks when it comes to rhyming. And while it's impressive that she wrote her own songs for the book, I fail to see it as special as she tries to pass it off as (it's generic at best).

Yur decides that they ought to go to bed and that they need to name the babies. But they can't do that this chapter because...Stouffer hit her word limit I guess. Anyway, naming shall come next chapter!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Onward to: Chapter Five: What's In A Name?

Back to: Chapter Three: The Arrival

Back to: Table of Contents

new life on aura, suethor: nancy stouffer, chapter 4, fic: the legend of rah and the muggles

Previous post Next post
Up