About Jack Chick
ZeldaQueen: Right, this section of the M.A.R.Y.S.U.E. archives is dedicated to the sporkings of Jack Chick and his goofy tracts. I realize though that some of you viewers may not know who Jack Chick is, or what he does that is so spork-worthy. Thus, I thought I'd provide you all with a little introduction to the main man before the actual work is tackled.
Jack Chick is a fundamentalist Christian who is so on the fringe that many people believe he is secretly a dedicated satirist. Unfortunately and most strangely, he insists that he is dead serious in everything and thanks to Poe's Law, it's impossible to tell (Poe's Law, for those of you who don't know, states that unless there is some indicator like a smiley, it's impossible to tell online if someone really believes something or if they're joking). Basically, he's like a much more laughable Fred Phelps.
Chick is famous for his "tracts" (comic books akin to Tijuana bibles), little comic book-like works which would be very offensive if they weren't so unintentionally hilarious. In each one, some sort of a scenario is laid out. Through some twist of fate, an angry or unhappy person meets a sweet, smiling, fundamentalist Christian who tells them how Jesus died for their sins. This always comes as news to the non-believers, who will either make the conversions and instantly become hopeful and happy themselves (no matter how bleak their lives still ought to be) or reject the Good Word and storm off while cursing Jesus and the fundamentalist for no reason other than godless people are jerks. Usually these folks die in some sort of an accident not long after and are pitched into Hell by a huge, faceless God. The tracts are also usually devoid of logic, have characters that act extremely unrealistically, contain Bible quotes that are even less relevant than Stephanie Meyer's, and are just overall backwards. One really gets the feeling that Chick has been living in his basement since the 1950s.
He will often include notes in his tracts, giving credit to various "sources". Please keep in mind that most of these people are even more insane than he is and at least several have been proven to be impulsive liars. Among these people are Kent "Dr. Dino" Hovind, who has made laughable claims like all animals used to be herbivores and that eating peach pits cures cancer (keep in mind, dear viewers, that peach pits more or less contain cyanide). All in all, his sources have about as much weight as those of Patricia Pulling.
Addressing the "offensive" note I gave above, Chick really pretty much sees everything he doesn't agree with (and boy howdy is that a long list!) as one big mass of Evil Satan Stuff. Therefore, he tends to just lump it all together without doing anything frivolous like "research". For example, he's shown an ancient Celtic druid carrying an ankh, frequently depicts pagans as witches who stab animals to death, uses "demon" and "spirit guide" synonymously in his anti-Harry Potter tract, and tends to shove pedophilia, transgenderism, rape, and homosexuality all under one umbrella (usually in his Sodom and Gomorrah tracts).
Chick's views on life and salvation are...complicated. Several of his philosophies include:
For more information on Chick, there is Wikipedia (with separate entries for his publication company and tracts). There's also his page on Rational Wiki and TV Tropes.
Back to Jack Chick Dissections
Back to the Other Box
Back to the Spork Chamber
Jack Chick is a fundamentalist Christian who is so on the fringe that many people believe he is secretly a dedicated satirist. Unfortunately and most strangely, he insists that he is dead serious in everything and thanks to Poe's Law, it's impossible to tell (Poe's Law, for those of you who don't know, states that unless there is some indicator like a smiley, it's impossible to tell online if someone really believes something or if they're joking). Basically, he's like a much more laughable Fred Phelps.
Chick is famous for his "tracts" (comic books akin to Tijuana bibles), little comic book-like works which would be very offensive if they weren't so unintentionally hilarious. In each one, some sort of a scenario is laid out. Through some twist of fate, an angry or unhappy person meets a sweet, smiling, fundamentalist Christian who tells them how Jesus died for their sins. This always comes as news to the non-believers, who will either make the conversions and instantly become hopeful and happy themselves (no matter how bleak their lives still ought to be) or reject the Good Word and storm off while cursing Jesus and the fundamentalist for no reason other than godless people are jerks. Usually these folks die in some sort of an accident not long after and are pitched into Hell by a huge, faceless God. The tracts are also usually devoid of logic, have characters that act extremely unrealistically, contain Bible quotes that are even less relevant than Stephanie Meyer's, and are just overall backwards. One really gets the feeling that Chick has been living in his basement since the 1950s.
He will often include notes in his tracts, giving credit to various "sources". Please keep in mind that most of these people are even more insane than he is and at least several have been proven to be impulsive liars. Among these people are Kent "Dr. Dino" Hovind, who has made laughable claims like all animals used to be herbivores and that eating peach pits cures cancer (keep in mind, dear viewers, that peach pits more or less contain cyanide). All in all, his sources have about as much weight as those of Patricia Pulling.
Addressing the "offensive" note I gave above, Chick really pretty much sees everything he doesn't agree with (and boy howdy is that a long list!) as one big mass of Evil Satan Stuff. Therefore, he tends to just lump it all together without doing anything frivolous like "research". For example, he's shown an ancient Celtic druid carrying an ankh, frequently depicts pagans as witches who stab animals to death, uses "demon" and "spirit guide" synonymously in his anti-Harry Potter tract, and tends to shove pedophilia, transgenderism, rape, and homosexuality all under one umbrella (usually in his Sodom and Gomorrah tracts).
Chick's views on life and salvation are...complicated. Several of his philosophies include:
- God loves everyone. That is, unless you dabble in the occult (use an ouiji board, read Harry Potter, watch Bewitched, trick-or-treat, play Dungeons and Dragons, or visit psychics or mediums), are Islamic, are Catholic, are Jewish, are a Jehovah's Witness, are Buddhist, are Hindu, are into Freemasonry, are homosexual, use drugs, support abortion or evolution, or...aren't a fundamental Christian. In which case, God is pitching you into a lake of fire. But that's alright because according to Chick, if you haven't been saved then you're ignorant and ugly and cruel for no reason. Which brings us to...
- Being saved automatically makes you attractive, kind, and successful.
- Good works don't matter. Even if you spend your entire life building hospitals for sick kids in Africa but don't try to actually convert anyone, you'll be sent to Hell. Meanwhile, if you are sent to jail for murder but manage to convert your cellmate, you get to go to Heaven.
- Homosexuality is caused by demonic possession.
- Reading Harry Potter leads to demonic possession. By that logic, reading Harry Potter ought to make you gay, which probably explains a lot of the fanfiction floating around the internet.
- Catholicism is the cause of Communism, Islam, the American Civil War, the Lincoln assassination, and pretty much anything else that Chick doesn't like. Also, the Pope is the anti-Christ and the Roman Catholic Church will be setting up an empire to enslave all Christians in the dystopic pre-rapture future that we'll be having any day now.
- If you're godless, then you are hairy, ugly, nasty for no reason (or at least laughably idiotic), and have never heard anything about Jesus and the Crucifixion or rising from the dead thing before. On the inverse, if you're a fundamentalist Christian, then you're always helpful and ready to spout off some vaguely-relevant Bible piece to some stranger on the sidewalk which will undoubtedly change their life. Or if it doesn't, then they'll storm off and get hit by a bus or something, at which point you'll have done all you could and proceed to lecture any freaked-out onlookers that the newly-deceased is certainly in Hell and they will be too if they don't do what you say.
- People in Chick-land never swear like actual people. Instead, they use cartoon symbols (**#!). Apparently this is usually supposed to represent the Lord's name being used in vain...
- People in Chick-land think their gasps and hiccups. Really.
- People in Chick-land have the most hilarious facial expressions ever.
- Black people apparently can't appreciate the regular tracts, which has led Chick to redo several "for a black audience".
- Condoms don't help at all for AIDS, STDs, and pregnancy.
- Children are always innocent, teenagers are either easily-led sheep or profane berkers.
- The instant you convert, everyone (friends and family included) will hate you, unless they are already converted themselves.
- Absolutely no one has any logic whatsoever. It's infuriating, really.
For more information on Chick, there is Wikipedia (with separate entries for his publication company and tracts). There's also his page on Rational Wiki and TV Tropes.
Back to Jack Chick Dissections
Back to the Other Box
Back to the Spork Chamber