Looking Back
Mentally and emotionally exhausted now, after I spent a few hours working on a timeline of, well, my life. My therapist suggested it a week ago, and I finally did it, and...
Hindsight is perfect, painfully so. Why did I have a mental / emotional collapse back in '06? Because I didn't trust the therapist I had at the time / went off my meds / was almost literally friendless / my internet use was highly limited so my primary way of de-stressing was almost gone / middle of Winter, when everything is worse.
Could I have prevented it? ...Maybe if I were who am I now, but back then - I don't know. I don't think so. Rereading my LJ entries and journal entries from the time show me to be painfully immature. (...likely I'll read this entry in a few years and think the same thing)
It has been worth doing. I remember some of '09 now, and '10, if imperfectly. Not that it's pleasant to go back and remember IRL events during some of the roughest years of my life - that's - it feels like it's an exaggeration, or that I'm getting melodramatic, but...from my POV, I was screwed up, in a bad place, and I'm just glad my thoughts never truly turned to suicide or self-harm - only escapism.
...
As for where I am now - I'm happy. I'm not in a perfect place, I still need to mature and get better at all kinds of things, but - I have the time and space for that, and most of all I'm happy, which is the most important thing.
I can't tell you guys how glad I am I know you. Some of you have literally kept me going, and I - I'm grateful.
(Now how likely is it that this'll go unnoticed, because I put it here instead of on tumblr, or twitter...? Ah well, who cares. It goes here. On DW, on LJ, because this silly thing has done so much for me.)
Hindsight is perfect, painfully so. Why did I have a mental / emotional collapse back in '06? Because I didn't trust the therapist I had at the time / went off my meds / was almost literally friendless / my internet use was highly limited so my primary way of de-stressing was almost gone / middle of Winter, when everything is worse.
Could I have prevented it? ...Maybe if I were who am I now, but back then - I don't know. I don't think so. Rereading my LJ entries and journal entries from the time show me to be painfully immature. (...likely I'll read this entry in a few years and think the same thing)
It has been worth doing. I remember some of '09 now, and '10, if imperfectly. Not that it's pleasant to go back and remember IRL events during some of the roughest years of my life - that's - it feels like it's an exaggeration, or that I'm getting melodramatic, but...from my POV, I was screwed up, in a bad place, and I'm just glad my thoughts never truly turned to suicide or self-harm - only escapism.
...
As for where I am now - I'm happy. I'm not in a perfect place, I still need to mature and get better at all kinds of things, but - I have the time and space for that, and most of all I'm happy, which is the most important thing.
I can't tell you guys how glad I am I know you. Some of you have literally kept me going, and I - I'm grateful.
(Now how likely is it that this'll go unnoticed, because I put it here instead of on tumblr, or twitter...? Ah well, who cares. It goes here. On DW, on LJ, because this silly thing has done so much for me.)