Take Me Away From Me
You, know, Im kind of feelign the title, but at the smae times other part so f me are screamign at me that escapsim is EVIl..btu those are the parts i want to be taken away from -.- Oh wekll, my problems. i deal; i get stornger; honestly i need to do somethign with all this strength..i swear im goign to save the world some day XD And be prepared this is long idiculpous rantage. i decided this was better than ripping ym sef apart for 10 pages of lonelt y diary ahvign to face my own flaws ion a deep introspectivwe analytical level.
ho ho ho. lots to catch up on. crazy past few days. The mental rolleersoaster is in full swing; geez its not even like a rollercoaster...its like..a rollercoaster x a tilt-a-whirl squared by a tower of terror o_O If Ive spoken to any of you in the past few days you'll know, specially if you're male XD Thats weird. its liek I tell guys my problems more than girls...because with girls i hold back ...o_O like how i never hit them in highschool..or like i'll phrase it a certian way..of course, this doesnt apply to susan, because i see her as a man too, like me XD ...but like..girlier girls. its like how when my father talks on hte pjhone i can iammediabtely tell the sex of who hes talking to. my poor menfolk really have taken the brunt of my angst, including my poor father who i continue to distress ^^ I feel happy in an insane way right now, but thsats only because ive been seeing people lately ^^ it really is nice, neven though my uterus still has it out for me -.- Warrgh.
Got an A+ on my azns in the us midterm...SURPRISE -.- actualyl its not evn because i have azn sksills or anythign..its beacuse i read the feakin TEXT -.- I find that in many of my classes, half the A is just doign the homework, geez -.- In fact, im so used to this, that when i do the homework, and *dont* get A's, i freak out. Hence my freakout with philosophy and seminar 3. In any case, i still tyhink my professor hates me -.- The nerve of some people -.- I know why he hates me too. And its not cuz i'm white, thouhg, i supppoose being one of two *not* asian girls in that class doesnt help -.- its because Im not in cute mode -.- I'm in ironic, "this amuses" mode; which i suppose is a bit imperious, but oh well, im goign to make him like me ANYWAY. I care far too much abotu what my rpoffessors think of me, because I am far too much caring about whether people like; professor especially, because they are smarter than me, and thus, their regard is somethign to be esteemed...so..if they regard me, IM ESTEEMABLE XD And i DESERVE it, which is even better XD~ I cant measure myself so i get others to do it for me XD
...which is BAD. I actually spoke tio Joe about this. I was sooo depressed thurday. And I was talkign to him, and the BASTARD XD made such an apt observation (You may feel alone a lot, and yes, you've been away more than last year or probably any other year we've known you (we being me, John, Andrew, etc.). What might be happening is that in your time alone you're just spending too much time criticizing yourself, or letting things stew because you're not moving enough to let htings brush off of you...I COULD KILL HIM XXDDD~ ~tackles joe~ but i think hes right, damn him. oh well, either way, somethig n that cant be fixed until i get better. Because wow my uterus, she is such a BITCH. but hes right, i takle it far too much to heart..i mean i nbaturally stew over things, and turn them over and im very analytical about certian things, especially my behavior and my thoughts and other peoples thoughts. I mean, Im a Socratic child, partially,m it was Socrates who said "The unexamined life is not worth living"... So I turn it over and over, and i am SO MEAN to myself. i would never be that terrible to any one else. I think tbhis is why i cometimes hold people at an arms distance. i think thats why i'm a bit uncertain abotu finding a "soul mate" or somethign of the very inteense romantic attachment...I'd have to really actually let them in >.< And I havent even let *myself* into me..so..its like..AAARRRGH. the mind boggles.
in any case, take my attachment to persky for example, i think hes bloody BRILLIANT. I swoon in the presence of his knowledge. as a result, I WANT *NEED* his regard, its like a drug; and i supposed, im a little spoiled in this area, because i sort of expect teahcers to fawn over me ^^;;; which i know is wrong, but OH WELL. besides, i dont expect actual fawnage, but somethign positive..liek....last semester he was very shiny at me!!! I want the FUCKING SHINY. -.- In any case, I did a shiny thing in conjunction with another girl in class the other day!! thursdya, actually! I was sitting next to this girl who's like the only other sophmore, adn shes really smart too; and he poitned in our direction when we both had our hands raised. and then we both started talking, and then i was like "No, you go" and she was like "No, you" "No, its alright" "Really its fine", etc...and then we made Persky FACE PALM!!! KAWAIIIIIII~ XDDD ...earlier in class, he "Ho Ho Ho"-ed (in an ohoho manner!!!) for the second time this semester..i am keeping count!!!!! XD~ SO I was very happy after that class, because i kept saygin smart things and this pleased him....and i was SO HAPPY.
and then after class i was talkkgin to someoen and he walked by and totally gave tme the cold shoulder..he like..looked at me...in a not happy manner T_T ...it actually ruined my day. how pathetic is that when one loook from somone destroys the rest of your day? I ..am so pathetic! btu thats okay, I dunno, admittign this to all of you, its okay! Because im not always completely honest abotu my emotions when i talk to a large group of people, so sayign things is okay! Its menaingless! Sayign "im pathetic", its just a phrase, it can be amsuing, because im val, and i make my problems amusing, otherwise id be an even *bigger* burden on everyone XD But...when I admit it to myself, walkiugn hoime alone....f*ck OW. it hurts. and then i tear myself apart further; more of joe's apt observation.
After that cold look T_T, I stalked Mike Shin around for a while...he is so NICE. like..so..*NICE*. And even though i usually conniotate bnegative things wiht nice..here i mena i like....traditionally..still the same potential for how i see it in the negative....but ewhatever, what a nice boy ^^ and then i walked to bookoff, consolation yaoi, you understand ^^ My japanese is gettign better and it pleases me. Walked home, still upset. perhaps even more so, because my mind was in full "riptearshredrend" mode >.>
Sung "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from the little mermaid all the way home...i swear its like onee off my theme songs. I was feelign ratheer bitter..probably over the fact my professor doesnt like me, now that i think about it o_O (Sam: "You are truly far too dependant on others opinions of you.) my mind is so screwed up on so many levels (Jonah:You're a massively fucked up individual, Valerie. Not that that reflects poorly on you, just that it is ) . I reinterpeted. I know shes evil in the movie, but hey, disney likes to make verything right and wrong, so littel american chilren acan run around in their fog -.- So, Ursula...what about them poor unfortunate souls. think about them. those whining patheic weaklings....think about what she helps them with in the song -- she helps one lose weight and one get the girl -.- Why cant they don it on their own? They need other people to solve shit for them, HUH? ( i mean, i understand there are people that need help, but for the purposes of my angry rant, well ignore that...besides, the mermaids seem more like surbaban lazy white people to me moe than the type of poeple who actually need help or have medicalproblems...but i digress)./ Seriously, and then they call her a witch...because she accomplishses what they can because they're weak willed?? WTF? (well...lets also ignore the fact that she actually *is* evil, and pretend disney made that up). It reminds me of medieval jews. MEdeival Europe: Ohh NOES, we've imposed christianity on everyone T_T And now we need monbey but no ones allowed to lend any money to gain a profit, whihc means no one wants to lend any money because they have everythign to lose an dnothing to gain. Medieval Jews: Umm, yeah, we're not dumb, and since we cant have any other jobs, sure we'll lend you money; besides, if we didnt you'd just kill us for it anywya >.> Medieval Europe: yay w have money XD.........ZOMG YOU'RE EVIL. Okay, itsd fdifferent i know, but im rantiong andf just writign whatever pops into my head; it s therapy, you see; my mind is ill. Worse than my uterus, btu i can ast least liev my screwed up head..not so with my uterus.
and then! when Ursuala sings abotu "the men up there" and how they dont like a lot of blather, and all the reasons they liek quiet (and probably STUPID) women, its liek im angry btu explainging it to Ariel -.- I got a lot ogf bittneeress when i san gthat part especially..proabbly because im convinced its true...i'll never forget that part of Northanger Abbey: "To come with a well-informed mind, is to come with an inability of administering to the vanity of others, which a sensible person would always wish to avoid. A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can" (90)... -.- Rrrr. I think feeling angyr is part of my therapy becaus i always try so hard to be acalm and understnadinfg unless its a comedic setting..that.,. i dunnno, getting angry, it feels good! abnd the thing is, im not even angry, my heads alwreayd arguign with me for overreacting -.- In any case, i dont think all guys are liek that now; in fact, i think its more of a fact of the girl being smarted than them...sort of like how, aawesoem4 as athena and odysseus are, they cant be together because athena is MORE AWESOME. and men cant handle that. -.- boohoo. I mena of course thats not a general all encopmpassing statement, but i find it to bec sort of true in many cases, then again i may be heavily biased by my family >.> I think thats why im a perfect wife!!! Because I'll be so concerned with gainign my husbands approval, he wont notice how awesoem i am and feel secure in his manliness -.-
I was talkign to Jack Chen's sister today, who i now absolutely ADORE. ,..she is more aweome than her brother XD~ Im goignn to Florence with her ^^ ..we talked for 2 *hours* straight. we just didnt want to shut up XD we stood out in the cold just..talking XD one of the things we talked abotu, was how..its difficult for awesoem women to get men..she gave me a stat, i forget what it was, but somethign about feemale CEo's and imortnat businesswomen lackign fmailies, children etc. Of course, this could b due to a lack of *time* for such trivialities...or it could be that men dont want women more awesoem -.-
again, this isnt aimed at my nephwews or guy friends, this is just a genral "RAR". I mean, the way i see it, yes, there are physical difference, but the "qualities" given to describe men and women...i feel like what is "male" is just an embodeiment of the active, where female embosdies the passive..so whne you get an agressive female, i guess her.."other half" needs to be passive...why are there no passive MEN?! aoh, but here's the kicker, they dont even always want passive men, because they'rre awesoem, and they want to be viewed by others as awesome, they want an awesoem hudband, but all the awesoem men dont want awesome women, unless they're that much more exceedingkyl awesome that their egos stay in tact! AHHAAH. sort of, yes i know, baseless ranting..but durn it feels good, at least i realize i have no grounds...Hume would be proud.
Annie Chen thinks I should be more evil, and not be soobseessed with being nonthreatign n d likeable. i agree with her...but..but.. I CANT. Freaking streak of good in me -.- RAWR. I told her my theeory about the jews beign the chosen people...now, dont get upset anyone reaidn this, its not actually a religious thing. So I was thinkgn..hmm, if the Jews are supposed to be the chosen people...why do they always get assfucked? Well, the bible explains this partially, they keep gettign awesoem, tand then forgettign God, and then they get screwed..then they recoveer, as always, and then bocme awesoem..adn then get assfucked. And then God didnt want them to have a king, but they kept kvetching, and Saul came about..and we all know how *THAT* turned out...and the temple of jerusalem got PWNED....think abotu, they cant have lasting structures, they keep getign eaten....I think God intended them to be constant nomads, because that entails constant hardship...and hardship makes you awesoem, afterall, absolute poqwer corrupts absolutely, and content people get LAZY. Oh, adn think Jesus agress with me by the way..well, actually i dont, but Im going to do what any person skilled in rhetoric does, adn quote jesus and pretend he's onmy side even if he didnt mena it the way im talking itg ^^;; The part where he says the meek ahakl inherit the earth? I thin I'll take like a Blakian Valerian (ZOMG i invented my own academ,ic category!!! XD) rout...and say the meek win..because they suffer the most hardships, and as a result,m, they will be the most win. Okay, this theory has a lot of holes, buit you sort of get my point, right?? If you dont,l i'll post further and more to the piutn, but right now its a part of my general rant XD
My silly father is so awesome now that he decided to stop making me miserable XD hehe. Its ridicculous how similar he is to me. Its RIDICULOUS. Okay, listenign to him, talk, he too obseessses over what people think of him anbd gloats to me when people give him regard...and i dont thinks its an arrogance thing so much as a pathetic one..i mena hes been lower than DIRT his whole life..so its like..omg people think im AWESIOEM~~ ~sparkle beam~ But at the same time, he doesn twant to be compl;etely arogant, because he sees himself as the funny man, and a large element of comdey is ciutting of the puffed up character..so, he gets to extol himself as much as he wants..because hes going to undercut himself XD...onyl when he getys insecure or neverous, he doesnt underctu himself -.- so it comes across as arrogant,. but lately wiht me, its bee a good rapport ^^ We were talking online the other day:
Dad: he's a guy who I hung with through a lot of bullshit do-nothingness when life was there for the burning.
Dad: But we pissed our pants doing it.
RaspberryLust929 (10:33:57 PM): indeed ^^
Dad: He's kind of astonished at my achievement.
RaspberryLust929 (10:34:55 PM): well, yeah, most people are ^^;;
Dad: He laughed raucously when I told him I was still living in the same small apartment. But after I told him about your accomplishments, coupled with my success, the laugh ebbed to sigh of admiration.
RaspberryLust929 (10:37:01 PM): yay ^^
Dad: Then we promised to smoke crack together and go whore-hunting again.
oh dad ur so funny XD..then again, that may just be me thinkgin hes funny; we have odd sense of humor o_O
Want to see the meeting of generations?
Dad: I went to his office in uniform the day of the drill, Thursday last week. Stunned and stupified the girls, and Chodosch [ed note:my token jewish dentist] loved it.
RaspberryLust929 (10:41:23 PM): thats really cool ^^
Dad: I address him as CPT Chodosch now.
RaspberryLust929 (10:41:44 PM): thats aweseome
Dad: Told him I wanted to see a report on my desk in the morning, and to carry on. Elaine wet herself.
RaspberryLust929 (10:42:21 PM): XD~
Dad: When I left, Elaine said, "I'm in love."
Dad: Alice said you were very nice.
RaspberryLust929 (10:43:26 PM): me?
RaspberryLust929 (10:43:30 PM): oh, thanks ^^
RaspberryLust929 (10:43:32 PM): I try XD
SEE?! we both try to be like, but my father can do it more through comedy, whereas i cant, because there are certain rules of decorum women have to observ that men dont, and my brand of comdey is friedns specific, so it doens workl on people i dont know...which is why im usually quieter wiht people i dont know. Grr. Men are so l;ess rtestricte,d i think thats why women like to get back at them by being pissed and saying they're ill mannered or have no control..i mena..for someone who supposedly sees the world in shades of grey i keep coming back to the dual natures of things. -.- The passive and the active etc, argh. oh want super double points, notice how my gfather is talking and im in a "suipporting", passive role. WHUT.
So i was walking home tonight after helens thing, whaich was cool, and then ensuing dinner afterwards, which was fun as well ^^ ..nbut i was really upset because i started disachragign durign dinner...i dont think anyone noticed, to be honest, which was good, and i wanted to cry, but again, i am a L33T M4HST4H at hidign distress so i was all fine and turned on the OHOHO factor even hjigher. but on the way home form the diner i was upset; because...you can't hold somethign in and not let it out..Ive mastered it..but i can only delay it. in any case, I was walkign hom, and thinking about the nature of my illness. its inescapable. actually. and then i realized why i lost my comic hero origins!!! Because..thiss is inescpabale!! and that is what tragedy is based on! Inescapability!!! I am boxed in by this..NOT my honor code for school, because that is shomehtign i *choose* to do, adn i realize..i really could choose *not* too, btu there's no good reason for me not too....silly me! letting this makle me a tragic hero! AHAHaaa. Im goignn to be so awesome once this is over XD~
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I
I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me
ho ho ho. lots to catch up on. crazy past few days. The mental rolleersoaster is in full swing; geez its not even like a rollercoaster...its like..a rollercoaster x a tilt-a-whirl squared by a tower of terror o_O If Ive spoken to any of you in the past few days you'll know, specially if you're male XD Thats weird. its liek I tell guys my problems more than girls...because with girls i hold back ...o_O like how i never hit them in highschool..or like i'll phrase it a certian way..of course, this doesnt apply to susan, because i see her as a man too, like me XD ...but like..girlier girls. its like how when my father talks on hte pjhone i can iammediabtely tell the sex of who hes talking to. my poor menfolk really have taken the brunt of my angst, including my poor father who i continue to distress ^^ I feel happy in an insane way right now, but thsats only because ive been seeing people lately ^^ it really is nice, neven though my uterus still has it out for me -.- Warrgh.
Got an A+ on my azns in the us midterm...SURPRISE -.- actualyl its not evn because i have azn sksills or anythign..its beacuse i read the feakin TEXT -.- I find that in many of my classes, half the A is just doign the homework, geez -.- In fact, im so used to this, that when i do the homework, and *dont* get A's, i freak out. Hence my freakout with philosophy and seminar 3. In any case, i still tyhink my professor hates me -.- The nerve of some people -.- I know why he hates me too. And its not cuz i'm white, thouhg, i supppoose being one of two *not* asian girls in that class doesnt help -.- its because Im not in cute mode -.- I'm in ironic, "this amuses" mode; which i suppose is a bit imperious, but oh well, im goign to make him like me ANYWAY. I care far too much abotu what my rpoffessors think of me, because I am far too much caring about whether people like; professor especially, because they are smarter than me, and thus, their regard is somethign to be esteemed...so..if they regard me, IM ESTEEMABLE XD And i DESERVE it, which is even better XD~ I cant measure myself so i get others to do it for me XD
...which is BAD. I actually spoke tio Joe about this. I was sooo depressed thurday. And I was talkign to him, and the BASTARD XD made such an apt observation (You may feel alone a lot, and yes, you've been away more than last year or probably any other year we've known you (we being me, John, Andrew, etc.). What might be happening is that in your time alone you're just spending too much time criticizing yourself, or letting things stew because you're not moving enough to let htings brush off of you...I COULD KILL HIM XXDDD~ ~tackles joe~ but i think hes right, damn him. oh well, either way, somethig n that cant be fixed until i get better. Because wow my uterus, she is such a BITCH. but hes right, i takle it far too much to heart..i mean i nbaturally stew over things, and turn them over and im very analytical about certian things, especially my behavior and my thoughts and other peoples thoughts. I mean, Im a Socratic child, partially,m it was Socrates who said "The unexamined life is not worth living"... So I turn it over and over, and i am SO MEAN to myself. i would never be that terrible to any one else. I think tbhis is why i cometimes hold people at an arms distance. i think thats why i'm a bit uncertain abotu finding a "soul mate" or somethign of the very inteense romantic attachment...I'd have to really actually let them in >.< And I havent even let *myself* into me..so..its like..AAARRRGH. the mind boggles.
in any case, take my attachment to persky for example, i think hes bloody BRILLIANT. I swoon in the presence of his knowledge. as a result, I WANT *NEED* his regard, its like a drug; and i supposed, im a little spoiled in this area, because i sort of expect teahcers to fawn over me ^^;;; which i know is wrong, but OH WELL. besides, i dont expect actual fawnage, but somethign positive..liek....last semester he was very shiny at me!!! I want the FUCKING SHINY. -.- In any case, I did a shiny thing in conjunction with another girl in class the other day!! thursdya, actually! I was sitting next to this girl who's like the only other sophmore, adn shes really smart too; and he poitned in our direction when we both had our hands raised. and then we both started talking, and then i was like "No, you go" and she was like "No, you" "No, its alright" "Really its fine", etc...and then we made Persky FACE PALM!!! KAWAIIIIIII~ XDDD ...earlier in class, he "Ho Ho Ho"-ed (in an ohoho manner!!!) for the second time this semester..i am keeping count!!!!! XD~ SO I was very happy after that class, because i kept saygin smart things and this pleased him....and i was SO HAPPY.
and then after class i was talkkgin to someoen and he walked by and totally gave tme the cold shoulder..he like..looked at me...in a not happy manner T_T ...it actually ruined my day. how pathetic is that when one loook from somone destroys the rest of your day? I ..am so pathetic! btu thats okay, I dunno, admittign this to all of you, its okay! Because im not always completely honest abotu my emotions when i talk to a large group of people, so sayign things is okay! Its menaingless! Sayign "im pathetic", its just a phrase, it can be amsuing, because im val, and i make my problems amusing, otherwise id be an even *bigger* burden on everyone XD But...when I admit it to myself, walkiugn hoime alone....f*ck OW. it hurts. and then i tear myself apart further; more of joe's apt observation.
After that cold look T_T, I stalked Mike Shin around for a while...he is so NICE. like..so..*NICE*. And even though i usually conniotate bnegative things wiht nice..here i mena i like....traditionally..still the same potential for how i see it in the negative....but ewhatever, what a nice boy ^^ and then i walked to bookoff, consolation yaoi, you understand ^^ My japanese is gettign better and it pleases me. Walked home, still upset. perhaps even more so, because my mind was in full "riptearshredrend" mode >.>
Sung "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from the little mermaid all the way home...i swear its like onee off my theme songs. I was feelign ratheer bitter..probably over the fact my professor doesnt like me, now that i think about it o_O (Sam: "You are truly far too dependant on others opinions of you.) my mind is so screwed up on so many levels (Jonah:You're a massively fucked up individual, Valerie. Not that that reflects poorly on you, just that it is ) . I reinterpeted. I know shes evil in the movie, but hey, disney likes to make verything right and wrong, so littel american chilren acan run around in their fog -.- So, Ursula...what about them poor unfortunate souls. think about them. those whining patheic weaklings....think about what she helps them with in the song -- she helps one lose weight and one get the girl -.- Why cant they don it on their own? They need other people to solve shit for them, HUH? ( i mean, i understand there are people that need help, but for the purposes of my angry rant, well ignore that...besides, the mermaids seem more like surbaban lazy white people to me moe than the type of poeple who actually need help or have medicalproblems...but i digress)./ Seriously, and then they call her a witch...because she accomplishses what they can because they're weak willed?? WTF? (well...lets also ignore the fact that she actually *is* evil, and pretend disney made that up). It reminds me of medieval jews. MEdeival Europe: Ohh NOES, we've imposed christianity on everyone T_T And now we need monbey but no ones allowed to lend any money to gain a profit, whihc means no one wants to lend any money because they have everythign to lose an dnothing to gain. Medieval Jews: Umm, yeah, we're not dumb, and since we cant have any other jobs, sure we'll lend you money; besides, if we didnt you'd just kill us for it anywya >.> Medieval Europe: yay w have money XD.........ZOMG YOU'RE EVIL. Okay, itsd fdifferent i know, but im rantiong andf just writign whatever pops into my head; it s therapy, you see; my mind is ill. Worse than my uterus, btu i can ast least liev my screwed up head..not so with my uterus.
and then! when Ursuala sings abotu "the men up there" and how they dont like a lot of blather, and all the reasons they liek quiet (and probably STUPID) women, its liek im angry btu explainging it to Ariel -.- I got a lot ogf bittneeress when i san gthat part especially..proabbly because im convinced its true...i'll never forget that part of Northanger Abbey: "To come with a well-informed mind, is to come with an inability of administering to the vanity of others, which a sensible person would always wish to avoid. A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can" (90)... -.- Rrrr. I think feeling angyr is part of my therapy becaus i always try so hard to be acalm and understnadinfg unless its a comedic setting..that.,. i dunnno, getting angry, it feels good! abnd the thing is, im not even angry, my heads alwreayd arguign with me for overreacting -.- In any case, i dont think all guys are liek that now; in fact, i think its more of a fact of the girl being smarted than them...sort of like how, aawesoem4 as athena and odysseus are, they cant be together because athena is MORE AWESOME. and men cant handle that. -.- boohoo. I mena of course thats not a general all encopmpassing statement, but i find it to bec sort of true in many cases, then again i may be heavily biased by my family >.> I think thats why im a perfect wife!!! Because I'll be so concerned with gainign my husbands approval, he wont notice how awesoem i am and feel secure in his manliness -.-
I was talkign to Jack Chen's sister today, who i now absolutely ADORE. ,..she is more aweome than her brother XD~ Im goignn to Florence with her ^^ ..we talked for 2 *hours* straight. we just didnt want to shut up XD we stood out in the cold just..talking XD one of the things we talked abotu, was how..its difficult for awesoem women to get men..she gave me a stat, i forget what it was, but somethign about feemale CEo's and imortnat businesswomen lackign fmailies, children etc. Of course, this could b due to a lack of *time* for such trivialities...or it could be that men dont want women more awesoem -.-
again, this isnt aimed at my nephwews or guy friends, this is just a genral "RAR". I mean, the way i see it, yes, there are physical difference, but the "qualities" given to describe men and women...i feel like what is "male" is just an embodeiment of the active, where female embosdies the passive..so whne you get an agressive female, i guess her.."other half" needs to be passive...why are there no passive MEN?! aoh, but here's the kicker, they dont even always want passive men, because they'rre awesoem, and they want to be viewed by others as awesome, they want an awesoem hudband, but all the awesoem men dont want awesome women, unless they're that much more exceedingkyl awesome that their egos stay in tact! AHHAAH. sort of, yes i know, baseless ranting..but durn it feels good, at least i realize i have no grounds...Hume would be proud.
Annie Chen thinks I should be more evil, and not be soobseessed with being nonthreatign n d likeable. i agree with her...but..but.. I CANT. Freaking streak of good in me -.- RAWR. I told her my theeory about the jews beign the chosen people...now, dont get upset anyone reaidn this, its not actually a religious thing. So I was thinkgn..hmm, if the Jews are supposed to be the chosen people...why do they always get assfucked? Well, the bible explains this partially, they keep gettign awesoem, tand then forgettign God, and then they get screwed..then they recoveer, as always, and then bocme awesoem..adn then get assfucked. And then God didnt want them to have a king, but they kept kvetching, and Saul came about..and we all know how *THAT* turned out...and the temple of jerusalem got PWNED....think abotu, they cant have lasting structures, they keep getign eaten....I think God intended them to be constant nomads, because that entails constant hardship...and hardship makes you awesoem, afterall, absolute poqwer corrupts absolutely, and content people get LAZY. Oh, adn think Jesus agress with me by the way..well, actually i dont, but Im going to do what any person skilled in rhetoric does, adn quote jesus and pretend he's onmy side even if he didnt mena it the way im talking itg ^^;; The part where he says the meek ahakl inherit the earth? I thin I'll take like a Blakian Valerian (ZOMG i invented my own academ,ic category!!! XD) rout...and say the meek win..because they suffer the most hardships, and as a result,m, they will be the most win. Okay, this theory has a lot of holes, buit you sort of get my point, right?? If you dont,l i'll post further and more to the piutn, but right now its a part of my general rant XD
My silly father is so awesome now that he decided to stop making me miserable XD hehe. Its ridicculous how similar he is to me. Its RIDICULOUS. Okay, listenign to him, talk, he too obseessses over what people think of him anbd gloats to me when people give him regard...and i dont thinks its an arrogance thing so much as a pathetic one..i mena hes been lower than DIRT his whole life..so its like..omg people think im AWESIOEM~~ ~sparkle beam~ But at the same time, he doesn twant to be compl;etely arogant, because he sees himself as the funny man, and a large element of comdey is ciutting of the puffed up character..so, he gets to extol himself as much as he wants..because hes going to undercut himself XD...onyl when he getys insecure or neverous, he doesnt underctu himself -.- so it comes across as arrogant,. but lately wiht me, its bee a good rapport ^^ We were talking online the other day:
Dad: he's a guy who I hung with through a lot of bullshit do-nothingness when life was there for the burning.
Dad: But we pissed our pants doing it.
RaspberryLust929 (10:33:57 PM): indeed ^^
Dad: He's kind of astonished at my achievement.
RaspberryLust929 (10:34:55 PM): well, yeah, most people are ^^;;
Dad: He laughed raucously when I told him I was still living in the same small apartment. But after I told him about your accomplishments, coupled with my success, the laugh ebbed to sigh of admiration.
RaspberryLust929 (10:37:01 PM): yay ^^
Dad: Then we promised to smoke crack together and go whore-hunting again.
oh dad ur so funny XD..then again, that may just be me thinkgin hes funny; we have odd sense of humor o_O
Want to see the meeting of generations?
Dad: I went to his office in uniform the day of the drill, Thursday last week. Stunned and stupified the girls, and Chodosch [ed note:my token jewish dentist] loved it.
RaspberryLust929 (10:41:23 PM): thats really cool ^^
Dad: I address him as CPT Chodosch now.
RaspberryLust929 (10:41:44 PM): thats aweseome
Dad: Told him I wanted to see a report on my desk in the morning, and to carry on. Elaine wet herself.
RaspberryLust929 (10:42:21 PM): XD~
Dad: When I left, Elaine said, "I'm in love."
Dad: Alice said you were very nice.
RaspberryLust929 (10:43:26 PM): me?
RaspberryLust929 (10:43:30 PM): oh, thanks ^^
RaspberryLust929 (10:43:32 PM): I try XD
SEE?! we both try to be like, but my father can do it more through comedy, whereas i cant, because there are certain rules of decorum women have to observ that men dont, and my brand of comdey is friedns specific, so it doens workl on people i dont know...which is why im usually quieter wiht people i dont know. Grr. Men are so l;ess rtestricte,d i think thats why women like to get back at them by being pissed and saying they're ill mannered or have no control..i mena..for someone who supposedly sees the world in shades of grey i keep coming back to the dual natures of things. -.- The passive and the active etc, argh. oh want super double points, notice how my gfather is talking and im in a "suipporting", passive role. WHUT.
So i was walking home tonight after helens thing, whaich was cool, and then ensuing dinner afterwards, which was fun as well ^^ ..nbut i was really upset because i started disachragign durign dinner...i dont think anyone noticed, to be honest, which was good, and i wanted to cry, but again, i am a L33T M4HST4H at hidign distress so i was all fine and turned on the OHOHO factor even hjigher. but on the way home form the diner i was upset; because...you can't hold somethign in and not let it out..Ive mastered it..but i can only delay it. in any case, I was walkign hom, and thinking about the nature of my illness. its inescapable. actually. and then i realized why i lost my comic hero origins!!! Because..thiss is inescpabale!! and that is what tragedy is based on! Inescapability!!! I am boxed in by this..NOT my honor code for school, because that is shomehtign i *choose* to do, adn i realize..i really could choose *not* too, btu there's no good reason for me not too....silly me! letting this makle me a tragic hero! AHAHaaa. Im goignn to be so awesome once this is over XD~
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I
I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me