(no subject)
waking up early morning this time can't go back to sleep fever face hot could be jet lag compounded by the all too many thoughts and worries capering around my head
what am i so scared of?
the sky is purple
i'm back in london
we spent all day yesterday looking for a flat
then went to a party
on the victoria line to brixton i just couldn't keep it in, i had to say something
about how fucked up in the head i am lately over long-termness and projection into the impossible-to-know-future
and he like 'its all moment to moment
i love you today, i can't tell you about tomorrow
i live in the present, nothing is stable but change'
and me just 'i know but
that leaves me feeling like
i'm always on trial, like i could do something in the next moment
and you could lose love for me in an instant
like everything i do is evaluated
it makes me scared to do
anything'
and he 'well i feel that way too
yout too can change'
and then we went to a party and quickly got drunk
and i played that game of not caring
and i was jealous of the girls he talked to
and i was talky and gregarious and ignorant
throwing myself in the other direction like that would give balance
and i cried when we got home
because i just want peace
to be together when we are together
not wonder about forever
be at a party together, wake up together,
not wake up hot-faced and sleepless at 10 til 6 in the morning to lie awake til 7 just to get up and hit the computer
til his alarm goes off at 8
craving the realease that a hard cry brings but
i don't want that need, i'm addicted to that already aren't i
i want grounded
i want centered
i want belief in myself and my beauty and my strength and my path
so that london can't sway me
i want to be busy
have conviction
stretch
breathe
trust
prayer
generosity and gratitude
i don't want that jealousy that stems direct from fear, that makes me ugly, that puts walls around and pushes away and isolates
i cannot isolate
i cannot ask of enni what he cannot give
and i know it and i know his limitations and
i know his honesty
that i can believe in that if i just let me
if i don't just keep on coming back to fear because its easy, familiar and consuming
work on opening my heart again
feeling my heart center (thanks christy)
and working on it alone, my heart,
my center,
my work,
this first
the rest is evolution
evolves, revolves
seek
balance
what am i so scared of?
the sky is purple
i'm back in london
we spent all day yesterday looking for a flat
then went to a party
on the victoria line to brixton i just couldn't keep it in, i had to say something
about how fucked up in the head i am lately over long-termness and projection into the impossible-to-know-future
and he like 'its all moment to moment
i love you today, i can't tell you about tomorrow
i live in the present, nothing is stable but change'
and me just 'i know but
that leaves me feeling like
i'm always on trial, like i could do something in the next moment
and you could lose love for me in an instant
like everything i do is evaluated
it makes me scared to do
anything'
and he 'well i feel that way too
yout too can change'
and then we went to a party and quickly got drunk
and i played that game of not caring
and i was jealous of the girls he talked to
and i was talky and gregarious and ignorant
throwing myself in the other direction like that would give balance
and i cried when we got home
because i just want peace
to be together when we are together
not wonder about forever
be at a party together, wake up together,
not wake up hot-faced and sleepless at 10 til 6 in the morning to lie awake til 7 just to get up and hit the computer
til his alarm goes off at 8
craving the realease that a hard cry brings but
i don't want that need, i'm addicted to that already aren't i
i want grounded
i want centered
i want belief in myself and my beauty and my strength and my path
so that london can't sway me
i want to be busy
have conviction
stretch
breathe
trust
prayer
generosity and gratitude
i don't want that jealousy that stems direct from fear, that makes me ugly, that puts walls around and pushes away and isolates
i cannot isolate
i cannot ask of enni what he cannot give
and i know it and i know his limitations and
i know his honesty
that i can believe in that if i just let me
if i don't just keep on coming back to fear because its easy, familiar and consuming
work on opening my heart again
feeling my heart center (thanks christy)
and working on it alone, my heart,
my center,
my work,
this first
the rest is evolution
evolves, revolves
seek
balance