betreff:deutsche
ereignis:
in switzerland, morbio...
last night was a dinner party (fondue chinoise or sumthin)for ennis mother genie who is 55 today... all the brothers, all the brothers' girlfriends (of which club i am 4th member), the mothers mother, the 'boyfriend' of said grandmother: the herr professor (fritz), of course emmanuele, enni's dad, and another swedish-german couple who've known enni since he was yaaaaay high. lotsa wine then lotsa whiskey. lotsa raw red meat for the fondue: veal and stuff. raw times... a long speech in german by the herr professor: i couldn't understand more than a few words but the emotion was high as spoke to genie and then from son to son... a real philosopher, speaking in this high german (as related by enni) like shakespeare. of enni he said that art is eternal, and thus enni is in service to the eternal, or lives with the eternal, or something... and as inspired by me (the zephyr)it was the spiritual flow of that eternal that he was calling to-called by. lotsa laughing too, though i didn't understand all the jokes...
there was some drama before dinner (as soon as we arrived from 9 hoûrs traveling) when enni changed into a suit (if you know enni you know how rare this is...) and i realized i had nothing nicer to wear than a 3 quid scottish charity shop skirt, holey tights and no matching sweater... to a bloody dinner at home nonetheless. ensuing angsty ruminations on class (and my lack thereof) which is a not-uncommon-enough theme when i am here... i love this family and i know how real and loving they -all- are as well, but still can't help but cringe when i walk into the grapevine-lined courtyard of the 7-bedroom house just out from student life in london and realize everyone's in pearls and italian suits waiting for us to change from our travel gear into some nicely conservative but properly opulent designer dress... no... its all in my head... or just enough of it is beyond my santa cruz sweatshirt (or even art student london) frame of reference to make me flip somersaults in insecurity. all that assuaged by the wine then poured upon me.... still... the weird thing is feeling resentment towards enni in those moments, like its his fault for getting me into these situations unprepared. like he should buy me nice clothes and shoes. its fucked... cuz enni's so oblivious to it, in a way... he's not like his brothers in nice cars and smart clothes but any time he sees something he wants he can have it (a nice printer, new speakers, 2 tickets to switzerland for a 3 day holiday) and because part of his gig with his family is rejecting their (father's, mainly) idea of what he should do with his life its like... i'm a part of that, his so-called class-free life and ... so i get no warning about fancy dress or what.. am i talking about... it's lame, this part of me that feels like if he wants me to be a part of this life here, he should kit me out to fit the bill, so to speak.
whats that all about.
money makes me uncomfortable.
it's not like i take this for granted or think i deserve differently.. or even that i'm honored on the other side, by their money or status... i am honored, but by the love of-from enni and the family that follows, i just wish i didn't trip so and i wish enni acknowledged my tripping, in whatever form. surely mostly it is just discomfort from not understanding-always being understood and still acting the newcomer, 2 years tho its been.
i'm gonna stop here.
in switzerland, morbio...
last night was a dinner party (fondue chinoise or sumthin)for ennis mother genie who is 55 today... all the brothers, all the brothers' girlfriends (of which club i am 4th member), the mothers mother, the 'boyfriend' of said grandmother: the herr professor (fritz), of course emmanuele, enni's dad, and another swedish-german couple who've known enni since he was yaaaaay high. lotsa wine then lotsa whiskey. lotsa raw red meat for the fondue: veal and stuff. raw times... a long speech in german by the herr professor: i couldn't understand more than a few words but the emotion was high as spoke to genie and then from son to son... a real philosopher, speaking in this high german (as related by enni) like shakespeare. of enni he said that art is eternal, and thus enni is in service to the eternal, or lives with the eternal, or something... and as inspired by me (the zephyr)it was the spiritual flow of that eternal that he was calling to-called by. lotsa laughing too, though i didn't understand all the jokes...
there was some drama before dinner (as soon as we arrived from 9 hoûrs traveling) when enni changed into a suit (if you know enni you know how rare this is...) and i realized i had nothing nicer to wear than a 3 quid scottish charity shop skirt, holey tights and no matching sweater... to a bloody dinner at home nonetheless. ensuing angsty ruminations on class (and my lack thereof) which is a not-uncommon-enough theme when i am here... i love this family and i know how real and loving they -all- are as well, but still can't help but cringe when i walk into the grapevine-lined courtyard of the 7-bedroom house just out from student life in london and realize everyone's in pearls and italian suits waiting for us to change from our travel gear into some nicely conservative but properly opulent designer dress... no... its all in my head... or just enough of it is beyond my santa cruz sweatshirt (or even art student london) frame of reference to make me flip somersaults in insecurity. all that assuaged by the wine then poured upon me.... still... the weird thing is feeling resentment towards enni in those moments, like its his fault for getting me into these situations unprepared. like he should buy me nice clothes and shoes. its fucked... cuz enni's so oblivious to it, in a way... he's not like his brothers in nice cars and smart clothes but any time he sees something he wants he can have it (a nice printer, new speakers, 2 tickets to switzerland for a 3 day holiday) and because part of his gig with his family is rejecting their (father's, mainly) idea of what he should do with his life its like... i'm a part of that, his so-called class-free life and ... so i get no warning about fancy dress or what.. am i talking about... it's lame, this part of me that feels like if he wants me to be a part of this life here, he should kit me out to fit the bill, so to speak.
whats that all about.
money makes me uncomfortable.
it's not like i take this for granted or think i deserve differently.. or even that i'm honored on the other side, by their money or status... i am honored, but by the love of-from enni and the family that follows, i just wish i didn't trip so and i wish enni acknowledged my tripping, in whatever form. surely mostly it is just discomfort from not understanding-always being understood and still acting the newcomer, 2 years tho its been.
i'm gonna stop here.