My American Journey
Ahh, my wonderful trip. I’m not going to yak much about the trip, instead, I’ve prepared a ranking of the states with each gaining its own awards.
Most Boring State: Illinois
Imagine something flat. And then make it flatter somehow. And suck all the life out of it. How the early settlers survived the journey across this state is beyond me, and I salute them.
Worst Roads: Wisconsin/Illinois
I couldn’t tell which was worse. Seriously, the lack of road funding in Wisconsin combined by a naming scheme for their roads that was likely invented by a crack whore hopped up on some good dust means that driving on these roads is a daring proposition. And then take into account all the state troopers just waiting to catch you speeding…Not a fun state. 65mph the whole way.
Illinois wasn’t too much better, however, it was a little bit. Just a little, though. Less cops, faster speed, more construction and absolutely no improvement. I guess the state taxes all go towards Chicago. I’d not be surprised.
Best Roads: Kentucky
This was a left-fielder. I never expected this state to have roads as good as it did; some of the best I’ve ever driven on. And the road construction, albeit present, was little issue to navigate.
Most Empty Threats Within A Short Distance: West Virginia
There were signs everywhere saying that the speed limit was enforced by everything ranging from aircraft to midgets hiding in trees with radar guns. I saw nary a patrol car, much less a midget. Very disappointing.
Short & Sweet: Ohio
I hate Cincinnati with a passion, yet it was little issue to drive. A major plus in it’s favor. Of course, its still as negative as it can get.
Most Disturbing Bumper Sticker: Indiana
I never expected to see this in this state, but, the truck it was on fit the whole idea. It was nasty, wrong, and frightening. “My mother gave me crabs”
…Just, wrong.
Most Disturbing Vehicle Occupant: West Virginia
Picture an SUV covered in stickers ranging from “Bad Girls need ____” to “2HOT4U” all the way to a BADGRL license plate. Now, picture pulling alongside this vehicle and looking inside to see the occupants: In the passenger seat, a very scrawny, pale man. And filling the driver’s seat, a woman. One who looks like the Ugly Tree might disown her. And when I say filled the driver’s seat, I mean filled. Errrrghhh.
Dumbest Town Name: Kentucky
Sharky Farmers. WTF?
Most Unexpected Convenience Store Merchandise: Indiana
“Save The South” license plates, bumper stickers, confederate flag stuff…I’m sorry, what state am I in? I’m still above that Mason-Dixon line thingy, ain’t I?
Most Harrowing Drive: Virginia
Coming down out of the smokey mountains shouldn’t be too bad, one would think. I mean, yeah, its mountains and all, but, hey, I’ve driven mountains before. And I’ve driven through tunnels through mountains before.
Well…you haven’t driven until you’ve done it at 90 miles an hour while you’ve got an 18-wheeler chasing you and gaining.
For the entire distance through the state.
And that was my trip, in a nutshell. I've come to the conclusion that Americans are Crazy
Most Boring State: Illinois
Imagine something flat. And then make it flatter somehow. And suck all the life out of it. How the early settlers survived the journey across this state is beyond me, and I salute them.
Worst Roads: Wisconsin/Illinois
I couldn’t tell which was worse. Seriously, the lack of road funding in Wisconsin combined by a naming scheme for their roads that was likely invented by a crack whore hopped up on some good dust means that driving on these roads is a daring proposition. And then take into account all the state troopers just waiting to catch you speeding…Not a fun state. 65mph the whole way.
Illinois wasn’t too much better, however, it was a little bit. Just a little, though. Less cops, faster speed, more construction and absolutely no improvement. I guess the state taxes all go towards Chicago. I’d not be surprised.
Best Roads: Kentucky
This was a left-fielder. I never expected this state to have roads as good as it did; some of the best I’ve ever driven on. And the road construction, albeit present, was little issue to navigate.
Most Empty Threats Within A Short Distance: West Virginia
There were signs everywhere saying that the speed limit was enforced by everything ranging from aircraft to midgets hiding in trees with radar guns. I saw nary a patrol car, much less a midget. Very disappointing.
Short & Sweet: Ohio
I hate Cincinnati with a passion, yet it was little issue to drive. A major plus in it’s favor. Of course, its still as negative as it can get.
Most Disturbing Bumper Sticker: Indiana
I never expected to see this in this state, but, the truck it was on fit the whole idea. It was nasty, wrong, and frightening. “My mother gave me crabs”
…Just, wrong.
Most Disturbing Vehicle Occupant: West Virginia
Picture an SUV covered in stickers ranging from “Bad Girls need ____” to “2HOT4U” all the way to a BADGRL license plate. Now, picture pulling alongside this vehicle and looking inside to see the occupants: In the passenger seat, a very scrawny, pale man. And filling the driver’s seat, a woman. One who looks like the Ugly Tree might disown her. And when I say filled the driver’s seat, I mean filled. Errrrghhh.
Dumbest Town Name: Kentucky
Sharky Farmers. WTF?
Most Unexpected Convenience Store Merchandise: Indiana
“Save The South” license plates, bumper stickers, confederate flag stuff…I’m sorry, what state am I in? I’m still above that Mason-Dixon line thingy, ain’t I?
Most Harrowing Drive: Virginia
Coming down out of the smokey mountains shouldn’t be too bad, one would think. I mean, yeah, its mountains and all, but, hey, I’ve driven mountains before. And I’ve driven through tunnels through mountains before.
Well…you haven’t driven until you’ve done it at 90 miles an hour while you’ve got an 18-wheeler chasing you and gaining.
For the entire distance through the state.
And that was my trip, in a nutshell. I've come to the conclusion that Americans are Crazy