Stopping Cold Turkey
When I got sick last year, I stopped doing things I loved doing. I was either too sick, will get too sick or was just plain depressed. I wanted to keep working at the community in Laguna but for my safety and health, I had to stop. I miss the community, I miss the kids, I miss working with them and seeing improvement in their lives every week. I shared their joy as well as their tears. I got sicker and sicker every week and eventually disappeared. I turned over my work to the Salesians and just worked on recovering. I felt like I failed them. I dream about them a lot. This haunted me the whole year.
I stopped painting. Being sick drained me. I was too sad to paint and just felt discombobulated. I basically just didn’t want to do anything productive because I had too many physical limitations. I was scared I couldn’t finish it, I was scared it would turn out bad, I was scared I would bring bad vibes to my work.
I stopped assisting NGO’s, I stopped writing gigs, hosting, singing, dancing, even writing on my blog.
It has been an off year. I did nothing but work on my “day job”. I would just rest on weekends and spend time with my loved ones. I guess you could say I lived a normal life this year. I just recuperated and went from one doctor to another and rested. I would try to find temporary sources of joy like shopping and make-up to make me smile. I would go to another doctor and get depressed. I found solace in Mark, Bea and our little poodle Vader. Then I felt depressed because I felt useless and unproductive. I guess you can’t change the way you really are. You can’t deny yourself of your core being.
“ You used to be a happy person”
“You’re so bitter”
It hurts to hear that. It hurts because it was the truth. It hurt because that for me is the worst thing I could be. I have never been that way, not even when my life was in shambles in 2008. Those words felt like a slap on the face. I couldn't help but cry and sob. I let my being sick get to me. I let it win. Hearing those words woke me up.
I’m not a hundred percent better. I still get sick once in a while. I get very sick when I’m not careful. At times, I just pretend I’m perfectly fine even if my legs feel like noodles but I just want my life and myself back. I can’t be this way. I’ll start with painting and drawing this weekend. I’ll start with running and meditating. I’ll start with laughing.
Thank you for waking me up. I needed that.
Click to viewI stopped painting. Being sick drained me. I was too sad to paint and just felt discombobulated. I basically just didn’t want to do anything productive because I had too many physical limitations. I was scared I couldn’t finish it, I was scared it would turn out bad, I was scared I would bring bad vibes to my work.
I stopped assisting NGO’s, I stopped writing gigs, hosting, singing, dancing, even writing on my blog.
It has been an off year. I did nothing but work on my “day job”. I would just rest on weekends and spend time with my loved ones. I guess you could say I lived a normal life this year. I just recuperated and went from one doctor to another and rested. I would try to find temporary sources of joy like shopping and make-up to make me smile. I would go to another doctor and get depressed. I found solace in Mark, Bea and our little poodle Vader. Then I felt depressed because I felt useless and unproductive. I guess you can’t change the way you really are. You can’t deny yourself of your core being.
“ You used to be a happy person”
“You’re so bitter”
It hurts to hear that. It hurts because it was the truth. It hurt because that for me is the worst thing I could be. I have never been that way, not even when my life was in shambles in 2008. Those words felt like a slap on the face. I couldn't help but cry and sob. I let my being sick get to me. I let it win. Hearing those words woke me up.
I’m not a hundred percent better. I still get sick once in a while. I get very sick when I’m not careful. At times, I just pretend I’m perfectly fine even if my legs feel like noodles but I just want my life and myself back. I can’t be this way. I’ll start with painting and drawing this weekend. I’ll start with running and meditating. I’ll start with laughing.
Thank you for waking me up. I needed that.