Morbid
Morbid but I'm scared of dying. In never used to until recently. Just when I find so much joy at home, in life..I get sick all the time and I wonder if I'll die soon. If you asked me 3 years ago,I would have been pretty ready to go. Now,there's so much I want to do and look forward to and I just can't have that.
An attack of flu just hits me hard and as I've posted awhile back,I just take it one infection,one day at a time. I've gotten so used to feeling sick and weak,it has started to become normal and I usually don't say anything anymore. I just continue working,cracking jokes,laughing. I just pause once in a while, sit down, breathe deeply and just go on with my day. I go to work like a normal person,go to the mall..I push myself so that I won't be too much of a damper and be the way I used to be then do the same ritual..pause,sit,breathe, smile. Nobody notices anymore. Not even my family. They've stopped asking too.
I don't want my loved ones thinking I'm over acting and being melodramatic. I don't want them thinking I can't take care of them. I don't want them to stop enjoying life because I don't have as much energy.
It sucks to be feeling unwell and you work. You just have to keep going, push yourself to go to work on time. It's your body that's sick,not your brain,I always say. That's the saddest part. Your mind is alive and whirring but your body just feels heavy and in pain. Another sad but liberating part is that climbing the corporate ladder is the least of my concerns now. I do my work well,excellent even but why choose an excellent but sick high performer,right? They don't notice unless I get hit by a bad infection but I can't help but think it. I just can't.
I know it's just in my head but I really am scared. I've stopped going to my hemo-onco for now. I got tired of all the blood extractions and tests. I just tell everyone I'm anemic,it's easier to explain.
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