Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Okay, so, I'm in this relationship, right? And I was all like, "Yay! Relationship!". Ever since we got together, it's mostly been cuddling and holding hands and other mushy stuff, except no kissing, etc.. I thought I was going to die if he didn't and like hell I'm instigating anything, I have no idea what I'm doing!! So I resolved to break up with him if he hadn't done anything by the end of summer. (I know, it sounds mean, but I don't see the point in being in a relationship if we're just acting like cuddly friends.)
Now, before I continue, I have to put down that I'm naturally a very touchy-feely person and I love to hug/cuddle/lay on top of pretty much anyone and anything, as long as it's not uncomfortable. I do this with Friends, Family, Just Friends, Pets, and pretty much anyone else that I feel comfortable around. It's just in my nature.
But today, something happened that turned my entire world inside out.
He kissed me.
...
In the first paragraph, up there? See it? Where I said: 'So I resolved to break up with him if he hadn't done anything by the end of summer'? Y'know, that little bit? Well, let's just say, him actually kissing me grabbed my resolve, bent it, stepped on it, unloaded an entire clip into it, reloaded, unloaded another clip, ran it over with a cement truck, burned it, and turned it into a pile of useless, cough-inducing ashes. Suffice to say that he completely and utterly destroyed it.
I've been having this feeling in my chest and slowly, as the months go on, the feeling has only been increasing. And before you start spouting off about love and righteousness, allow me to burst your balloon and say that, no, this feeling is most certainly NOT love or anything remotely even CLOSE to it.
The feeling is that of awkwardness and anxiety. It's this painful pressure on my chest that tells me to get the fuck out of there before anything else happens. This rising feeling of panic and discomfort that consumes my entire being.
I've thought long and hard about this, and I've decided that I am just not ready for a relationship; for the commitment, the intimacy, the sharing of life secrets. ANY OF THAT. I think I jumped into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. He is a close friend, we flirt, we're genuinely happy around each other, but there is always that pain pressing against my chest cavity. A feeling that tells me that I don't like this, that I'm not ready.
I'm only 16, for crying out loud!!! Okay, fine, 17 in a week-- but still, I'm just not READY for that kind of COMMITMENT! When he was away in Hawaii, I was GLAD that I didn't have to feel the obligation to spend time with him everyday. To have to face the mind-numbing AWKARDNESS of being alone in the same room as him. I used to look forward to spending time alone with him, but now I'm terrified if there isn't someone else there. I'm not READY to take it to the next level. At least not any time in the near future. But he's ready and I don't know if he wants to stop. And even if he does, I don't think I want to be with him in that way.
At first, I didn't know WHAT I wanted. I was confused. I was ready to just grow up and experience stuff already, but now? I miss being single, I miss not having to turn my phone off because I don't want to talk to him.
All these feelings and more lead to only one solution: breaking up.
Except he's my best friend and he's happy.
God, Lizzy, you are SUCH an IDIOT.
I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to make it awkward between us, but I don't want to deal with this nauseous feeling anymore.
I just don't know what to do at this point ;_;
I really wish my mom wasn't in Louisiana right now, I need her.
Now, before I continue, I have to put down that I'm naturally a very touchy-feely person and I love to hug/cuddle/lay on top of pretty much anyone and anything, as long as it's not uncomfortable. I do this with Friends, Family, Just Friends, Pets, and pretty much anyone else that I feel comfortable around. It's just in my nature.
But today, something happened that turned my entire world inside out.
He kissed me.
...
In the first paragraph, up there? See it? Where I said: 'So I resolved to break up with him if he hadn't done anything by the end of summer'? Y'know, that little bit? Well, let's just say, him actually kissing me grabbed my resolve, bent it, stepped on it, unloaded an entire clip into it, reloaded, unloaded another clip, ran it over with a cement truck, burned it, and turned it into a pile of useless, cough-inducing ashes. Suffice to say that he completely and utterly destroyed it.
I've been having this feeling in my chest and slowly, as the months go on, the feeling has only been increasing. And before you start spouting off about love and righteousness, allow me to burst your balloon and say that, no, this feeling is most certainly NOT love or anything remotely even CLOSE to it.
The feeling is that of awkwardness and anxiety. It's this painful pressure on my chest that tells me to get the fuck out of there before anything else happens. This rising feeling of panic and discomfort that consumes my entire being.
I've thought long and hard about this, and I've decided that I am just not ready for a relationship; for the commitment, the intimacy, the sharing of life secrets. ANY OF THAT. I think I jumped into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. He is a close friend, we flirt, we're genuinely happy around each other, but there is always that pain pressing against my chest cavity. A feeling that tells me that I don't like this, that I'm not ready.
I'm only 16, for crying out loud!!! Okay, fine, 17 in a week-- but still, I'm just not READY for that kind of COMMITMENT! When he was away in Hawaii, I was GLAD that I didn't have to feel the obligation to spend time with him everyday. To have to face the mind-numbing AWKARDNESS of being alone in the same room as him. I used to look forward to spending time alone with him, but now I'm terrified if there isn't someone else there. I'm not READY to take it to the next level. At least not any time in the near future. But he's ready and I don't know if he wants to stop. And even if he does, I don't think I want to be with him in that way.
At first, I didn't know WHAT I wanted. I was confused. I was ready to just grow up and experience stuff already, but now? I miss being single, I miss not having to turn my phone off because I don't want to talk to him.
All these feelings and more lead to only one solution: breaking up.
Except he's my best friend and he's happy.
God, Lizzy, you are SUCH an IDIOT.
I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to make it awkward between us, but I don't want to deal with this nauseous feeling anymore.
I just don't know what to do at this point ;_;
I really wish my mom wasn't in Louisiana right now, I need her.