God
I dunno guys, but recently I have been feeling really REALLY down on myself, my life has, for the last 2 years or so, been a complete mess and I refuse to say it is coz im a teenager, because it ISN'T and people just don't get that. My sister was/is mentally ill! I am younger than her! I had to look after her and it completely screwed up all my life plans for going to work and university, all my ideas of travelling over to the US for a year when I am 19, it can't happen now.
Fuck I am meant to be happy! I'm told all the time how happy I make people, and that is great! I really like that, making people happy is one of the only things I am here on earth, but you know what it is not enough sometimes, to see someone laughing at something you said and to know you made them happy for a moment there, it is great but then that person walks away and you think "Here I am" and nobody comes to make you smile at that moment.
I probably sound completely emo, and I probably am a little, in this post that is...but I just wish sometimes there was an easier way.
So many people tell me about these marvellous things that people see in me, on Sunday I was in church, and I don't believe in anything anymore since my grandmother died so it was really hard to go there but these Christians come over to me, and one of them hugged me and went "As a Christian, you shine!" like I was the most beautiful thing in the whole room, and it made me smile for a second, because this person, this believer, come over to me specifically, because she saw me once before and wanted to tell me that I shine, and she knows I don't believe any more.
I really miss my grandmother, if she hadn't been left to die like she was......I would be so happy right now, I think so, anyhow, but by now I think she would have died anyhow, I just wish it could have been in a different way to how it was....That was horrendously scarring for a little 11 year old, enough so that it knocked all belief in God out of me.
I was just over on my friends LJ - Mattio351 - You know what I really love that man, he is so awesome, but I was reading one of his journal entries and it was like "Woah, Matt loves Jesus" and I just felt this tinge of sadness because I used to be able to say I believed. "Too much has happened" is SUCH a cliché but somehow it is so true to me right now, and I hate it, I hate feeling like I could die at any moment, and there is nothing for me, I hate trying to stay pure all this time, and I am but it still sucks being looked at like I am. Religious people look at me like dirt, non-believers look at me like I am a weirdo, and I am stuck in the middle trying to find someone who is anything like me. And I hate that, I just want to sit with someone and chill but I can't because as soon as I get to know someone, they turn out so much different. People can't understand that you don't have to believe to be a good person, not all non-believers are evil. I'm just waiting for someone to see that.
Fuck I am meant to be happy! I'm told all the time how happy I make people, and that is great! I really like that, making people happy is one of the only things I am here on earth, but you know what it is not enough sometimes, to see someone laughing at something you said and to know you made them happy for a moment there, it is great but then that person walks away and you think "Here I am" and nobody comes to make you smile at that moment.
I probably sound completely emo, and I probably am a little, in this post that is...but I just wish sometimes there was an easier way.
So many people tell me about these marvellous things that people see in me, on Sunday I was in church, and I don't believe in anything anymore since my grandmother died so it was really hard to go there but these Christians come over to me, and one of them hugged me and went "As a Christian, you shine!" like I was the most beautiful thing in the whole room, and it made me smile for a second, because this person, this believer, come over to me specifically, because she saw me once before and wanted to tell me that I shine, and she knows I don't believe any more.
I really miss my grandmother, if she hadn't been left to die like she was......I would be so happy right now, I think so, anyhow, but by now I think she would have died anyhow, I just wish it could have been in a different way to how it was....That was horrendously scarring for a little 11 year old, enough so that it knocked all belief in God out of me.
I was just over on my friends LJ - Mattio351 - You know what I really love that man, he is so awesome, but I was reading one of his journal entries and it was like "Woah, Matt loves Jesus" and I just felt this tinge of sadness because I used to be able to say I believed. "Too much has happened" is SUCH a cliché but somehow it is so true to me right now, and I hate it, I hate feeling like I could die at any moment, and there is nothing for me, I hate trying to stay pure all this time, and I am but it still sucks being looked at like I am. Religious people look at me like dirt, non-believers look at me like I am a weirdo, and I am stuck in the middle trying to find someone who is anything like me. And I hate that, I just want to sit with someone and chill but I can't because as soon as I get to know someone, they turn out so much different. People can't understand that you don't have to believe to be a good person, not all non-believers are evil. I'm just waiting for someone to see that.