Fan Death
I died on Wednesday at 1:32 AM. My master told me that it was due to a fan, but I do not understand how a simple folded piece of fabric could possibly have killed me. To be fair, a wolf did the actual dirty work to finish me off, but my master told me that I would have easily defeated it had it not been for the fan.
Going back to the circumstances of how I happened to be fighting a wolf in the first place, I had been exploring the woods near my town of Hapsburg with my best friend Leroy, my master, and Leroy’s master. We came across a cave, and, of course, since we were curious, we went in. At first we just startled a bunch of bats, but then a few rats decided we were intruding and Leroy and I had to dispatch them, with minimal help from our masters.
We went further and found evidence that this cave was the lair of a wolf family. Bones from smaller animals littered the area and tufts of fur were strewn about. This did not worry us, since we were used to dealing with wolves while hunting in the forest. Usually they just ran away rather than challenge us, but we knew that a cornered wolf could be very dangerous. I pulled out my sword and crept along slowly so as to not run into an ambush. Unfortunately, Leroy has the sneaking skills of an elephant, so as usual, he pulled out his ax, yelled out his name, and ran into the den. I ran to catch up with him, at which point he already had three rather angry wolves snarling at him from all sides.
This is when, as my master likes to say, “it all went to shit.” I could hear swearing and banter back and forth between our masters, as they often did, but in this instance I was completely frozen and could not move as the wolves crept up on me. I was terrified, but that was not why I was petrified. It was as if I could simply not move my arms and legs no matter how hard I tried.
“Dammit, the fan on my gee pee you died,” my master blurted out. “I can’t see a goddamn thing.”
“That’s what the girls say when you drop your pants,” Leroy’s master rebutted.
My master and Leroy’s master often talk of things that I don’t understand, such as gee-pee-yous and mysterious boxes, but Leroy says that is just because they are at a higher plane of existence than us. I am also not sure how insulting each other’s anatomy would help in this instance, but they often traded in such barbs and it did not affect their performance in combat. I hoped that it would fix the problem with my arms and legs because the wolf was now so close I could feel its breath.
“Shut the fuck up, Terrence. As if you would even have a chance of getting a girl near your pants.”
“I had your mom in my pants last night, Bertram.”
They also often insulted each other’s mothers in such ways as would have led to instant blood feuds among most of the men in our realm, but yet they seemed to remain friends. I did not understand this part of their culture at all.
“Fuck you, Terrence. But I’m serious, my screen is frozen and I can see into my box and the fan on my graphics card is making a horrendous noise and not moving.”
I did not know what screen my master was talking about. We were in a cave and there were certainly nothing like what the womenfolk used when they changed their clothing. And while it was cold, it was most definitely not cold enough to freeze anything in here.
“When was the last time you used canned air on the inside of your machine? Or when was the last time your room was actually vacuumed?”
I was not sure what canned air was. Perhaps it was a high-level spell that our masters could perform? I hoped that it was effective on wolves because this one was looking at me as if I were a nice dinner.
“I dunno. I don’t think we have any canned air. My mom said she refuses to come in my room anymore because of the smell, and the last time the housekeeper came in, she discovered my why-foo pillow, made the sign of the cross and fled. I don’t think she’s been in here since and that was a couple of months ago.”
Apparently the canned air spell was out then. Leroy and I were also not sure what why-foos were, but our masters would often talk of them in glowing and tender terms, although they were often vulgar as well. They did also frequently say that their why-foos were much better than three-dee women. There was only one woman in our village named Dee, but perhaps when there are three of them in your village, they teamed up to become witches and cursed you.
“Gross, dude. Your poor why-foo. Well, what do you want to do, can you move your dude out of the way or something and Leroy can take care of the wolves?” Leroy was having enough trouble with the two wolves that he was already fighting, so I doubt he would be able to assist with mine.
“I don’t think so, I can’t see anything like I said. I guess I will just have to take the death and re-spawn penalty.” Death?!? Whose death?!? Surely, not mine?!?
“All your gains on this quest so far will be lost of you re-spawn though, and you’re gonna lose that sweet sword.” I had just found this very strong broadsword that I was currently wielding. They were talking about my death, the bastards!
“Yeah, but what do you want me to do about it? It looks like I will have to shutdown and take apart my box to clean it. I hope I don’t need to get a new gee-pee-you. I just spent all my money on my new Megumin figurine.” My master often spoke of the mysterious Megumin, in hushed reverence. Perhaps Megumin was his deity?
“You stupid weeb. Well, I guess it can’t be helped. I don’t want to lose my gains though, and Leroy’s in bad shape so I am pulling him out.” Leroy did look quite injured, but suddenly he just turned around and ran out of the room. I know he should follow his master’s desires, but I thought we were friends and he just abandoned me. The wolves he was fighting looked confused momentarily, but soon turned towards me with evil grins on their ugly faces.
I don’t remember much after that, just the awful wolf breath and the sound of rending flesh, and I closed my eyes. I woke up the next day much weaker and without all the equipment I had gained over the last several weeks. I was not sure how I was whole at all after the wolf attack, but this had happened before. I attributed the miracles to my faithfulness to my deity and to my master. I just hope that the blasted fan had been banished to hell and could no longer cause any more of my deaths.