its more of an entry for myself, dont waste your time reading
after coming back from good ol santee sandiego i went to Inglewood to spend time with my godparents. a nice weekend had by all.
me and charlie had a godfather-goddaughter breakfast, equipped with cruzing and talking about life and death.. i love him so much.. i dont know if he'll ever know, or if i can bring myself to tell him how much hes influenced me.
coming back to eagle rock, my mom asks why i havent visited uncle ty yet. auntie has been dead for almost a month now. and the true reason i guess, is that im scared. and i was scared that if i saw him alone, that i would just break down. i went with melissa today. uncle doesnt pick up the phone, so we decided to just show up. and at first being there, all i could think of was: why am i here, oh my god, he doesnt want us to remind him of her.. and it was hard.. because you can't just ask someone recently widowed how they're doing. im glad melissa was with me. we all went out and had dinner, and talked and talked about auntie. Its sad and its horrible, cause uncle won't do anything differently, he's now doing all the things she used to do, and he's so dedicated to preserving everything and not letting any of it change. even the house, in the last stages to purify the air for her cancer, where uncle bought these purifiers that made the air smell chlorinated, still has them running and it still smells like her. and driving around with uncle, melissa cried in the back, while we listened to him talk about how hes just lost his best friend since junior high, and his only companion. we got there around 5pm and didn't leave till 11, and i know he didnt want us to leave him alone. because even in his bedroom, he has pillows layed out where aunties body used to rest. i came home, not feeling any better or any closure for myself, but worried for uncle, i purposely borrowed movies, as to have another excuse to stop over and see him before i leave.. when i got home i popped in the cd he gave me that they were handing out at the funeral. it was a picture slideshow of auntie, she and uncle, they were so beautiful. and i thnk what got me most, and the reason why im being selfish and writing this entry is that it started with auntie kathy's usual show greeting of "Aloha my name is Kathy tama li'i (more hawaiian) kawalea jones." with a progression of pictures and her dancing and ended with our usual show ending of "from all of us to all of you we'd like to wish a fond ALOHA". and i guess it was then that it dawned on me that would be the last time i would hear her say it.. and then i cried, for the millionth time like a baby, and to my mama..
me and charlie had a godfather-goddaughter breakfast, equipped with cruzing and talking about life and death.. i love him so much.. i dont know if he'll ever know, or if i can bring myself to tell him how much hes influenced me.
coming back to eagle rock, my mom asks why i havent visited uncle ty yet. auntie has been dead for almost a month now. and the true reason i guess, is that im scared. and i was scared that if i saw him alone, that i would just break down. i went with melissa today. uncle doesnt pick up the phone, so we decided to just show up. and at first being there, all i could think of was: why am i here, oh my god, he doesnt want us to remind him of her.. and it was hard.. because you can't just ask someone recently widowed how they're doing. im glad melissa was with me. we all went out and had dinner, and talked and talked about auntie. Its sad and its horrible, cause uncle won't do anything differently, he's now doing all the things she used to do, and he's so dedicated to preserving everything and not letting any of it change. even the house, in the last stages to purify the air for her cancer, where uncle bought these purifiers that made the air smell chlorinated, still has them running and it still smells like her. and driving around with uncle, melissa cried in the back, while we listened to him talk about how hes just lost his best friend since junior high, and his only companion. we got there around 5pm and didn't leave till 11, and i know he didnt want us to leave him alone. because even in his bedroom, he has pillows layed out where aunties body used to rest. i came home, not feeling any better or any closure for myself, but worried for uncle, i purposely borrowed movies, as to have another excuse to stop over and see him before i leave.. when i got home i popped in the cd he gave me that they were handing out at the funeral. it was a picture slideshow of auntie, she and uncle, they were so beautiful. and i thnk what got me most, and the reason why im being selfish and writing this entry is that it started with auntie kathy's usual show greeting of "Aloha my name is Kathy tama li'i (more hawaiian) kawalea jones." with a progression of pictures and her dancing and ended with our usual show ending of "from all of us to all of you we'd like to wish a fond ALOHA". and i guess it was then that it dawned on me that would be the last time i would hear her say it.. and then i cried, for the millionth time like a baby, and to my mama..