Mad at the Universe
I'm mad at the universe. What lesson does it want me to learn? The signs are all pointing to 'hey, you've got something to learn here!' But I can't figure it out.
Four days before Thanksgiving, I got rear-ended while sitting at a stop light. Now, four days before Valentine's day, the love of my life gets rear-ended while merging onto the highway.
I believe coincidences are signs that we haven't figured out the meaning to yet.
I was doing better! I have been eating right and moving and being active. I've been recognizing my anger and releasing it, allowing myself to decompress and then move on with an enlightened spirit. I'd been in a peaceful place... encouraging others. Getting back to being the person who loves so much.
And then the universe threatens my wife.
And now I'm pissed. I was doing everything right. What more do you need me to be doing? Leave her alone. It's not funny and it's not okay.
You want to play with my life, fine. So be it. Bring it on. But don't dangle hers in front of me. Don't put images into my head. Don't make me worry when there's nothing to worry about.
Universe, if you want me to be healthy and do things for me, you can't make me worry about her. You have to let me be okay knowing that she can take care of herself. Don't remind me that in an instant it could all be gone. It's not okay.
I want to be thankful that She wasn't hurt, and that the car only had some paint scratches. I want to be screaming from mountain tops and thanking the heavens... But I am consumed by anger and fear.
I know I need to calm down and I need to relax and I need to recognize that she is fine. That everything is okay and there's nothing that I need to fix or worry about.
But I can't protect her. Not from everything. And it makes me feel helpless. The Universe just needed to pull that last card, to remind me how weak I really am. How no matter how together I pretend to be, I am not in control of anything.
And that pisses me off. 'Cause I mean, bring it. I need something to fight. I need something to do. To keep this sneaking feeling of helplessness from sinking in.
You want to tell me what love is? This is what love is. This is what it feels like. It's heartbreaking. It's the thought that every time I breathe out into this world, she's breathing in.
I love her.
Is that what you want me to prove? That I love her? In my accident I had to prove to myself what I was thankful for. And here it is valentine's day, and you want me to prove that I love her? That I KNOW. dear god, if I know nothing else, I know that I love that woman.
So what is it that you want me to learn? I'm stronger than you think. This won't get me down. I'm letting this go after today. I'm letting myself be mad at you and then I'm letting it go. Because it takes too much energy to be angry. And that energy should be used for better things.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go eat my banana and prepare for work to end so that I can work out with my friend.
Four days before Thanksgiving, I got rear-ended while sitting at a stop light. Now, four days before Valentine's day, the love of my life gets rear-ended while merging onto the highway.
I believe coincidences are signs that we haven't figured out the meaning to yet.
I was doing better! I have been eating right and moving and being active. I've been recognizing my anger and releasing it, allowing myself to decompress and then move on with an enlightened spirit. I'd been in a peaceful place... encouraging others. Getting back to being the person who loves so much.
And then the universe threatens my wife.
And now I'm pissed. I was doing everything right. What more do you need me to be doing? Leave her alone. It's not funny and it's not okay.
You want to play with my life, fine. So be it. Bring it on. But don't dangle hers in front of me. Don't put images into my head. Don't make me worry when there's nothing to worry about.
Universe, if you want me to be healthy and do things for me, you can't make me worry about her. You have to let me be okay knowing that she can take care of herself. Don't remind me that in an instant it could all be gone. It's not okay.
I want to be thankful that She wasn't hurt, and that the car only had some paint scratches. I want to be screaming from mountain tops and thanking the heavens... But I am consumed by anger and fear.
I know I need to calm down and I need to relax and I need to recognize that she is fine. That everything is okay and there's nothing that I need to fix or worry about.
But I can't protect her. Not from everything. And it makes me feel helpless. The Universe just needed to pull that last card, to remind me how weak I really am. How no matter how together I pretend to be, I am not in control of anything.
And that pisses me off. 'Cause I mean, bring it. I need something to fight. I need something to do. To keep this sneaking feeling of helplessness from sinking in.
You want to tell me what love is? This is what love is. This is what it feels like. It's heartbreaking. It's the thought that every time I breathe out into this world, she's breathing in.
I love her.
Is that what you want me to prove? That I love her? In my accident I had to prove to myself what I was thankful for. And here it is valentine's day, and you want me to prove that I love her? That I KNOW. dear god, if I know nothing else, I know that I love that woman.
So what is it that you want me to learn? I'm stronger than you think. This won't get me down. I'm letting this go after today. I'm letting myself be mad at you and then I'm letting it go. Because it takes too much energy to be angry. And that energy should be used for better things.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go eat my banana and prepare for work to end so that I can work out with my friend.