"maybe that's all a family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place"
the way i figure it, you only have maybe four people in the world who really give a shit about anything you think, feel, or say. and that's just if you're lucky. i sit around and think about death a lot. not necessarily my own, per say, but just that state of being. i've been wanting to watch american beauty again lately, i love the storytelling involved, the freefloating shot at the beginnning and the beautifully stunning conclusion. still, five years later, my favorite film. sometime shortly after seeing it initially i found the original screenplay online. it was really interesting to read and also what got me wanting to write something like it. not something like american beauty, but something unique and interesting that could captivate someone so wholeheartedly as american beauty had done to me. i think that's what guides any creative person--the desire to give the world the same kind of enjoyment that you have had through whatever medium. i began to write at a relatively young age, my mom likes to tell the stories of how i taught myself to read when i was 3 or 4 by listening to the children's books on tape.. you know, the ones where it comes with the book and a tape that reads along and tells you when to turn the page and all. apparently i just memorized what certain words looked like and took it from there. and my earliest experience in bothering someone with my writing was my 6th grade english teacher. it wasn't english class at that point though, it was still Language Arts, but it's not like it makes a difference anyhow. i wrote stories about alien cow-people that year, once for an assignment and then repeatedly throughout the year because she made the mistake of telling me she liked the first one. that's a character flaw in me, really... once you give me praise, you'll just keep getting more of the same. in tenth grade my english teacher loved my writing as well, or at least she said she did. the only smart person around was katie, during senior year, when she told me after-the-fact about how on our third date, when i showed her a piece i had written, she nearly told me right then that she couldn't see me anymore. i think back on relationships like that, and many others that i've had along the way, and wonder why at that certain point did i act the way i did. but it's useless to relive the past like that without actually doing something about it, and that's typically where i mess the equation up. it's my birthday in a week, i will turn twenty-one. i'm quite sure that it's just a number, just an arbitrary guideline that has been set by the government that creates a society who so looks forward to that day, even though many have had their teenage alcoholism extinguished by the time they reach purchasing age. and so i'm not sure if it's a day i should be excited about. i've been rather numb lately, not really feeling anything worthwhile. i could talk for hours if you'd let me, i could ramble about all sorts of things that you wouldn't find interesting at all. i try not to lie, i try to be a good person with everything i do. i try to lead a nice life, but nice lives tend to lack adventure. i've said before that i think i'm living to about an eighth of my potential, but i think it's probably dipped to about a twelfth now. i look at photographs of better times and reminisce on things as if they'll reappear if thought about enough. i used to have dreams, i used to have goals. my dreams are now all out of reach, i missed one rung on the ladder and now i can't make it to the window. the way i figure it, the artiste inside me will always win and i'll be a nothing forever. i was born to parents with big dreams who had to toss them away when i was born, it makes me want to go out and make my life worth something so that i can say that theirs were not wasted either. but i feel like i've lost so much already, my pitiful attempts at regaining ground will just end up disappointing more people in the end. there's just so much of the day lately that i've been thinking about other ways