Authentic Apprehension
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
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Do you even listen to what I say? Is it worth listening to? If you listen to what I say and it's worth listening to then why do I always feel like I'm fucking repeating myself? I like to believe I have great stories, excellent advice, and plenty of humor. Am I the only one who feels like that? Do I build myself up in my own fucking head? I give everything I can every chance I can... but do I ever get anything back? Does it say anything about me that the lack of reciprocation does not affect my generosity? Am I bigotous to want a little recognition once in a while? By all means- keep the fucking media away, but a simple, "Thank you," would be more than enough to keep me going for weeks. Why the fucking greed? Do you listen? When I reach the bottom of the bottle and speak at random, do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? Does it even fucking matter? Does no one care that I've reached the end of my rope and I'm just dangling, not sure whether to climb back up to the only mildly sufficient (and rarely supplemental) life I've known or irrevocably plummet into a whole new meaning of existence?
I always *ALWAYS* err on the safe side. That's why there was no good night kiss tonight. That's why there was no one last shot. That's why there was no V8. That's why a lot of things have and have not happened. However, there is no denying that a change is taking place. Where is this change taking me? I have no idea. All I know is I'm hanging on with all I have left and I'm running out of energy.
I made a lot of changes in my life. The two biggest so far were to free myself (not from Clayton- he is an absolute force in my life and therefore is not even considered as material for potential change from my part- he grows as his own person and I guide whenever possible/necessary) and to quit smoking. I hauled off one and a half tons (literally) of car parts. Next is to finish the Town Car and sell it. Sell it for whatever I can get for it. I need to free myself of it. Perhaps this is an effect of my studies on the Buddhist way of life. Perhaps this is just another phase. I don't know... but I do believe I'm moving forward. At what rate I have no clue, but I do believe most of what is happening is a positive thing.
The drinking has been in slight excess of late and I'm still debating the source, whether it be simple enjoyment of friendships or a masking of subconscious troubles. I do believe it is the former but how does one truly know? I know that I am currently lost within myself and have not quite found a way out. I've met some amazing people recently and I have placed complete faith in some friends both old and new. I do pray that the new friends will prove their value and the old will remain true. One thing I know is that my friends (again, both old and new) will be a strong factor on how hastily and how smoothly I pull through.
This may have made no sense whatsoever, but lots of people have asked what's been going on lately. I don't know what else to say. These are the random thoughts that were going through my mind as my fingers followed my heart. I don't know what more to say.
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
-------------------------------------
Do you even listen to what I say? Is it worth listening to? If you listen to what I say and it's worth listening to then why do I always feel like I'm fucking repeating myself? I like to believe I have great stories, excellent advice, and plenty of humor. Am I the only one who feels like that? Do I build myself up in my own fucking head? I give everything I can every chance I can... but do I ever get anything back? Does it say anything about me that the lack of reciprocation does not affect my generosity? Am I bigotous to want a little recognition once in a while? By all means- keep the fucking media away, but a simple, "Thank you," would be more than enough to keep me going for weeks. Why the fucking greed? Do you listen? When I reach the bottom of the bottle and speak at random, do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? Does it even fucking matter? Does no one care that I've reached the end of my rope and I'm just dangling, not sure whether to climb back up to the only mildly sufficient (and rarely supplemental) life I've known or irrevocably plummet into a whole new meaning of existence?
I always *ALWAYS* err on the safe side. That's why there was no good night kiss tonight. That's why there was no one last shot. That's why there was no V8. That's why a lot of things have and have not happened. However, there is no denying that a change is taking place. Where is this change taking me? I have no idea. All I know is I'm hanging on with all I have left and I'm running out of energy.
I made a lot of changes in my life. The two biggest so far were to free myself (not from Clayton- he is an absolute force in my life and therefore is not even considered as material for potential change from my part- he grows as his own person and I guide whenever possible/necessary) and to quit smoking. I hauled off one and a half tons (literally) of car parts. Next is to finish the Town Car and sell it. Sell it for whatever I can get for it. I need to free myself of it. Perhaps this is an effect of my studies on the Buddhist way of life. Perhaps this is just another phase. I don't know... but I do believe I'm moving forward. At what rate I have no clue, but I do believe most of what is happening is a positive thing.
The drinking has been in slight excess of late and I'm still debating the source, whether it be simple enjoyment of friendships or a masking of subconscious troubles. I do believe it is the former but how does one truly know? I know that I am currently lost within myself and have not quite found a way out. I've met some amazing people recently and I have placed complete faith in some friends both old and new. I do pray that the new friends will prove their value and the old will remain true. One thing I know is that my friends (again, both old and new) will be a strong factor on how hastily and how smoothly I pull through.
This may have made no sense whatsoever, but lots of people have asked what's been going on lately. I don't know what else to say. These are the random thoughts that were going through my mind as my fingers followed my heart. I don't know what more to say.