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Funny Army Moment #92/#98 - Scenario - Final field say exercise, total of 5 days, and this is the night of day 4. The FOB (forward operating base) has been being assaulted all night, and people in our company think this would be the perfect time to mess around and get all there pranks on each other all night (mostly 1st platoon). Someone pissed in their buddy's canteen cup, in response, the guy took the pisser's tooth brush and cleaned his anus with it, then we had another kid thinking it would be funny to paint a hitler mustache on them with their face paint, then we had others from first platoon hiding in the bushes and shooting their battle buddies out of boredome. Eventually, Drill Sergeant Dysinger gets word of all this, halts the whole battle, calls a company formation in the middle of the FOB, takes the 3 people involved in the piss/toothbrush/hitler incidents, parades them in front of the company, then proceeds to drop us all into the push-up position to do Mountain Climbers, the whole time giving us the best Drill Sergeant Speech ever...That speech is as follows...
DS Dysinger - (in perfect pre-pubescant DS Dysinger voice)"Alright, D company, shut the FUCK up! Get your fucking knees of the ground!! Tonight, we've had privates PISSING in canteen cups! We've had privated using their buddies toothbrushes the wipe their ASS. We've got PRIVATES painting god damn HITLER mustaches with their damn camo, which personally i find OFFENSIVE, we've got others out here shooting their own battle buddies! That's FRATRICIDE, and is punishable under UCMJ! Well, let me tell you something, D company, this is the WORST company I've EVER seen! And when you all go to Rights of Passage tomorrow, and the Brigade Commander comes up, and tells you how wonderful and smart you all are for joining in a time of war, he's LYING! Because you're all pieces of SHIT! And when you all deploy, because 60% of you are going to deploy to Iraq or Afghanistan, I hope, that you do not come back. Thank god, thank FUCKING god, that you are not combat arms, because if you were, I would be very scared for the future of my army. Get your FUCKING knees of the FUCKING ground, private!..."
The speech continued on for 50 minutes, basically repeating all of the above information. During the next week, I perfected my DS Dysinger impression (which I had been working on for weeks), and at graduation practice, they Drill Sergeants asked us if we had any impressions to do. Well, i got on stage, and did the above speech word for word, in perfect DS Dysinger style. The whole company, including the other Drill Sergeants AND the company commander were ROLLING. Everyone, except DS Dysinger himself, who just sat forward in his seat, stared at me with the most terrifying stare ever. When I finished, he simply looked at me, and said, "Don't stop, private. PREACH ON!"...not smiling at all...yea...funny as hell...
DS Dysinger - (in perfect pre-pubescant DS Dysinger voice)"Alright, D company, shut the FUCK up! Get your fucking knees of the ground!! Tonight, we've had privates PISSING in canteen cups! We've had privated using their buddies toothbrushes the wipe their ASS. We've got PRIVATES painting god damn HITLER mustaches with their damn camo, which personally i find OFFENSIVE, we've got others out here shooting their own battle buddies! That's FRATRICIDE, and is punishable under UCMJ! Well, let me tell you something, D company, this is the WORST company I've EVER seen! And when you all go to Rights of Passage tomorrow, and the Brigade Commander comes up, and tells you how wonderful and smart you all are for joining in a time of war, he's LYING! Because you're all pieces of SHIT! And when you all deploy, because 60% of you are going to deploy to Iraq or Afghanistan, I hope, that you do not come back. Thank god, thank FUCKING god, that you are not combat arms, because if you were, I would be very scared for the future of my army. Get your FUCKING knees of the FUCKING ground, private!..."
The speech continued on for 50 minutes, basically repeating all of the above information. During the next week, I perfected my DS Dysinger impression (which I had been working on for weeks), and at graduation practice, they Drill Sergeants asked us if we had any impressions to do. Well, i got on stage, and did the above speech word for word, in perfect DS Dysinger style. The whole company, including the other Drill Sergeants AND the company commander were ROLLING. Everyone, except DS Dysinger himself, who just sat forward in his seat, stared at me with the most terrifying stare ever. When I finished, he simply looked at me, and said, "Don't stop, private. PREACH ON!"...not smiling at all...yea...funny as hell...