Not a good day (for once)!
I have been a total jerk today and am puzzled to figure out just why. The worst part is my darling child and I were the only two to witness it. I feel awful about that and now am really down on myself over it. I saw Michael Moore's Sicko today at long last and cried on three separate occasions which has been too long. I am so fed up with this country and long to take my leave. I never got to travel and still don't. I have worked 52 weeks a year for almost 6 years and the most I have had off is five days in a row once back last fall. I love my hometown but am so flippin' over it but am also stuck here raising my child with her mom across town. I work everyday away from her and have both three days a week sparing three afternoons of solitude a week. There's always something to do but it never all gets done and my accounts have been drained for months now with late fees and interest now getting in on the beating. Once again a week till payday and no money and bills to pay and all the while babymama wants to borrow money again so she's urged me to go to HR Block to file taxes and get an advance. Goddammit, I might have some dough if I didn't lose 200+ a month to child support for a half day short of half time. And that goes to the state; BabyMama gets her money from them and the amount isn't affected by how much I give.
I got some shit done (laundry and bottle returns) but needed a nap and fell short of time for that. Pookers and I had fun for about five minutes after school and tried to shoot a video of our clean up time and tent making but it cut out and was not near as sweet as our picnic tea party even though we had the camera properly situated this time. Still, I got grumpy and decided to make dinner. I overate and had to lay down for a nap. Her video put her to sleep too and she got all snippy with me later which is very rare. In general, she's a very well behaved kid and has a cheerful disposition so I am not well practiced in dealing with her outbursts. Her nap has led her to be still unable to fall asleep at 11 PM now, which is three hours after we got ready for beddy which took five books and making the bed three times already for pee stops and other crap I hate getting out of bed for once I get comfortable. I start the work week tomorrow morning and forgot to call HR Block with some questions so BabyMama's going to be fed up. I owe her 1000 from last year and will owe her another grand this time since she "lets" me claim our daughter and we've agreed to give her the child credit but I don't have money like that just laying around so that's why she was on it before the new year. It justs bugs me that I have to deal with that shit now and I just want to disappear but would never do that to my daughter.
I'm so stuck and have been for so long and although people generally like me, damn near none of them ever want to spend time with me or have a relationship. I sit at home alone during a lot of my free time since going out got to be too spendy and risky with early work hours and all. I long for someone to spend those empty hours with and cook for/with and make plans or have adventures with, talk to, care for, be loved by, and most of all, build a better life with. I just go numb to this aching solitude most of the time so I can get by but that is all I can do is just get by and the tension surfaces every now and then. I need to take th'kiddo to the zoo a couple hours north for my next vacation so although that will be a wonderful experience, I won't be getting that time alone that I desparately need. BabyMama gets a free ride and all her time away from the wee one is free time so it drives me crazy that she gets on me for not taking our daughter on vacation. She wants me to so she can get some R&R but I will do it for the child's enrichment, when I can! I need some fucking R&R goddamit!
I don't expect much of any response from all this since I don't know what to ask. Maybe this is just a rant and I've done it for myself. You all are welcome to send your thoughts along though and I'd appreciate it very much. I am sorry to be so unconcise.
On a side note, does anyone know how to format an AVI video for YouTube or other video sharing site? Our tea party is half a gig and 640x480 pixels. An alternative I suppose would be file sharing on a messenger or through G Mail if anyone is interested. It is five minutes of improvised antics from a half decent vantage but the audio is the gem really.
I got some shit done (laundry and bottle returns) but needed a nap and fell short of time for that. Pookers and I had fun for about five minutes after school and tried to shoot a video of our clean up time and tent making but it cut out and was not near as sweet as our picnic tea party even though we had the camera properly situated this time. Still, I got grumpy and decided to make dinner. I overate and had to lay down for a nap. Her video put her to sleep too and she got all snippy with me later which is very rare. In general, she's a very well behaved kid and has a cheerful disposition so I am not well practiced in dealing with her outbursts. Her nap has led her to be still unable to fall asleep at 11 PM now, which is three hours after we got ready for beddy which took five books and making the bed three times already for pee stops and other crap I hate getting out of bed for once I get comfortable. I start the work week tomorrow morning and forgot to call HR Block with some questions so BabyMama's going to be fed up. I owe her 1000 from last year and will owe her another grand this time since she "lets" me claim our daughter and we've agreed to give her the child credit but I don't have money like that just laying around so that's why she was on it before the new year. It justs bugs me that I have to deal with that shit now and I just want to disappear but would never do that to my daughter.
I'm so stuck and have been for so long and although people generally like me, damn near none of them ever want to spend time with me or have a relationship. I sit at home alone during a lot of my free time since going out got to be too spendy and risky with early work hours and all. I long for someone to spend those empty hours with and cook for/with and make plans or have adventures with, talk to, care for, be loved by, and most of all, build a better life with. I just go numb to this aching solitude most of the time so I can get by but that is all I can do is just get by and the tension surfaces every now and then. I need to take th'kiddo to the zoo a couple hours north for my next vacation so although that will be a wonderful experience, I won't be getting that time alone that I desparately need. BabyMama gets a free ride and all her time away from the wee one is free time so it drives me crazy that she gets on me for not taking our daughter on vacation. She wants me to so she can get some R&R but I will do it for the child's enrichment, when I can! I need some fucking R&R goddamit!
I don't expect much of any response from all this since I don't know what to ask. Maybe this is just a rant and I've done it for myself. You all are welcome to send your thoughts along though and I'd appreciate it very much. I am sorry to be so unconcise.
On a side note, does anyone know how to format an AVI video for YouTube or other video sharing site? Our tea party is half a gig and 640x480 pixels. An alternative I suppose would be file sharing on a messenger or through G Mail if anyone is interested. It is five minutes of improvised antics from a half decent vantage but the audio is the gem really.