only one...
I'm pretty sure i am the only one who still uses my LJ and i'm beginning to use it more and more. i think its because everyone i can trust and talk to is gone. Chris is gone. And I can't trust Crystal. Courtney is gone, and busy. Lil Courtney doesn't get it, or care. Courtney doesn't know about it. Well, i feel alone. It is my biggest phobia, being alone. Its my OCD, my PD, but honestly, i feel abandoned. I wish there was something to make the crying stop. Cookie dough and chocolate dont really work. And i am not resorting to a bad habit.
So, i was happy for awhile. Things with the roomies were good, things at school were good, and the personal life was especially good. Then... i practically fail my final, roomies are all at home, and the boy is avoiding any sort of relationship. Why do guys have to be scared of the tiniest commitment...?! And then I find out crystal has told my mom about pretty much everything. And i needed her, i am so worried... late again... this can't be a good sign. I think im sick... or something is wrong(not the right word but you know what i mean).
I wish i was more independent. I really wish i could just rely on my self. Handle all of the stress and drama with no help. I want to just leave, and maybe start over. I might do that, depending on how things turn out. I'll give up some stuff, but i will gain so much more. I am a burden on those around me, having to support me, be strong for me, worry about me. They dont need that. I mean i'm ready to tell my mom everything, but i have to worry too much about how she is going to feel. I don't like that. And thats how shes been my whole life. Worrying about how something is going to affect me. I don't want to be the one causing her or my father pain. I think that leaving is a good idea. Maybe i can go to prague, like i've always planned. If i told them i was leaving, and to just let me go, they might...
Or maybe, i could just find someway to cope...
maybe someone to talk to. i don't know. i have too much going on. I hate not being able to sleep because i am thinking so much. And wanting to fix myself, which just stresses me out more and complicates the problems. i want to get rid of the past. I need to forget about some people and incidents. I need to move on. I can't be afraid to move forward. I am always to scared of change to be progressive. I jump into situations, and then wimp out. I need to forget about sam, yeah, things are going to remind me of him, but he is gone, that part of my life is over. And arizona is in the past, i'm not moving back, and even if i did, it wouldn't be like those last three weeks. those were perfect, but the 14 years before that didn't compare. It wouldn't be like that if i went back, it would be like life here, just with different people. still be alone most of the time. I need to become independent. or at least more confident. more willing to try new things. i can't always be so afraid...
I'm done ranting and complaining... i have to go finish my cookie dough. =/
So, i was happy for awhile. Things with the roomies were good, things at school were good, and the personal life was especially good. Then... i practically fail my final, roomies are all at home, and the boy is avoiding any sort of relationship. Why do guys have to be scared of the tiniest commitment...?! And then I find out crystal has told my mom about pretty much everything. And i needed her, i am so worried... late again... this can't be a good sign. I think im sick... or something is wrong(not the right word but you know what i mean).
I wish i was more independent. I really wish i could just rely on my self. Handle all of the stress and drama with no help. I want to just leave, and maybe start over. I might do that, depending on how things turn out. I'll give up some stuff, but i will gain so much more. I am a burden on those around me, having to support me, be strong for me, worry about me. They dont need that. I mean i'm ready to tell my mom everything, but i have to worry too much about how she is going to feel. I don't like that. And thats how shes been my whole life. Worrying about how something is going to affect me. I don't want to be the one causing her or my father pain. I think that leaving is a good idea. Maybe i can go to prague, like i've always planned. If i told them i was leaving, and to just let me go, they might...
Or maybe, i could just find someway to cope...
maybe someone to talk to. i don't know. i have too much going on. I hate not being able to sleep because i am thinking so much. And wanting to fix myself, which just stresses me out more and complicates the problems. i want to get rid of the past. I need to forget about some people and incidents. I need to move on. I can't be afraid to move forward. I am always to scared of change to be progressive. I jump into situations, and then wimp out. I need to forget about sam, yeah, things are going to remind me of him, but he is gone, that part of my life is over. And arizona is in the past, i'm not moving back, and even if i did, it wouldn't be like those last three weeks. those were perfect, but the 14 years before that didn't compare. It wouldn't be like that if i went back, it would be like life here, just with different people. still be alone most of the time. I need to become independent. or at least more confident. more willing to try new things. i can't always be so afraid...
I'm done ranting and complaining... i have to go finish my cookie dough. =/