(no subject)
*This is something I wrote to myself a while back but lacked the courage to let anyone see. Admitting my weakness, I realize, is the first step to conquering them. Already I feel a new sense of inspiration, a new sense of direction and power. But more on that later. Here it is, so that I admit to everyone and myself, so I won't forget. Now I have nothing to hide.*
Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
5:22 am
Private
I can't sleep...this sucks. My body aches with the training I've been putting it through, and I know it's still not enough. Not NEARLY enough. I MUST dedicate myself. I can't make any more excuses, like "oh I have school" or "oh I don't have weights"...I cannot...CANNOT waste any more time. I have wasted so much time already. Training hard, but then slipping up and getting back to day 1. That was it with Wrestling, that was it with running, that was the case with gymnastics even. THAT is NOT progress. True progress is what I live for. Not the illusion of it. I train to be stronger...and become continuously stronger...but only because somewhere alongst the line I got weaker. I train to become faster, and do become faster...only to catch up to my previous speeds. I need to reach NEW heights. I'm almost 20 now, I'm starting to feel my bones ache and creek from all the stress of what I put it through. Injuries now plague me for months, instead of just weeks or days. Falls that I would sometimes shrug off now haunt me into taking caution. I FEAR now. I fear causing damage to myself, so I can't train anymore. I have never had that fear, I always had assumed that somehow, I will never be injured, or never be hurt. Heh...says the man who can't even walk straight right now, nor swing his left shoulder and move his right ankle. Until my body heals, I'm going to train as hard as I can. And this time I WILL NOT stray. I won't "take a break", time is precious...and also, I'm eager to reach new levels, to break this plateau that I'm on. But how? I don't know...
WARNING: This part is morbid, and very introspective. I wrote it for myself and no one else. I'm not trying to impress anyone. If you don't care...then don't read.
Sometimes I'm just caught with this big gigantic, indecisiveness on life. Ricardo said he would want to die in the most painfully gruesome way possible...to be remembered. I see his point in a way...though morbid as it is. I don't think I can wish for that, since despite common misconceptions, pain does in fact hurt me...ALOT. I do want to be remembered as well. But how? Is that the only way I will be remembered? Resort to the most violent death possible? The mere thought of that as the only possibility makes me very disillusioned and afraid. The fact that I'm thinking about this means I'm not satisfied with the person I am now. I want to be MORE. But how do I know what I will become, if I don't know who I WANT to be. I want to die knowing that I had "my shot" and that I did alright. I don't want to die thinking "I never had my shot". That will be the saddest thing in the world for me, it would mean my life was wasted that I lived for nothing. Hence I am not "brave". I wish people would stop calling me fearless. I am only brave because I do not want to be sad. I force myself to be "brave", and in no ways does that mean I don't have fear. Everytime someones says it I am reminded of all the fear and sadness I have in my heart, and think about how the true me would really disappoint everyone if they knew who I really am. Does anyone know? How could they.
I am weak. I have not yet become strong physically, but the strength of character and will is really what is lacking. I always doubt myself, even though sometimes my abilities are well beyond the challenge I am facing. Why can't I face new challenges, whether they be beyond me or not, with a smile on my face? I have fought some, where even when I am beating them...when they do not even stand a chance of evening hitting me, yet...they're smiling. They smile because they found a worthy opponent? Because they now know who they would want to surpass? Why can't I be like them? Where is the thrill of meeting new challenges and pitting yourself against it? Where is the thrill of testing your strength and all your hard work? Why...WHY must I always question myself? "What if I can't lift this?" "What if I can't beat him?". My hesitation holds me back. Sometimes I honestly think about quitting. Sometimes I would think that maybe I'm not the kind of person to handle this kind of thing, that maybe I'm not strong enough. But I always keep going, because I don't want to let everything I worked for be to waste. Yet I fight on because I don't want to be sad...don't want to be disappointed, don't want to be a quitter, don't want to REGRET. Yet, I find myself hard to dedicate all of my heart...and strengthen my body but more importantly...my spirit and resolve.
Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I be happy with all the little things in life, be content with good food, company and hospitality? Why can't I be content like my mother was content, or my father...or the rest of my family and everyone else I know. Why must I trek on this journey, which leaves me hurt, disllusioned and lonely. I am so tired of this...yet I am so afraid to rest. Sometimes even with everyone around me, I feel like the loneliest person in the world. I can have everyone's approval...but I will never have my own... That why I hate being alone sometimes. Why can't I be like everyone else my age...find a girlfriend and be happy together. Instead I am lonely with this great burden on my shoulders...one that only I can hold and no one else. Sometimes it disheartens me to think about my journeys to come, because honestly sometimes I think I will only disappoint myself more and more. It is so sad for me when I think that. Yet it happens.
I NEED to be strong. I need to find my strength somehow. I need to find the strength to not be sad... Everyone, who walks on this planet, all will inevitably look for something. Some look for love, power, wisdom, knowledge, glory/renown or maybe even the prosperity of others. In finding that, they can find themselves, they are made whole and complete, and they can die without any regrets. I need to find my strength. I am weak at heart...but I want so badly to be STRONG. I want to die knowing that no matter what I've achieved, I did all I could...all that my body would allow me to. I want to die knowing I was strong until the end that I DID NOT WAVER...that I DID NOT STRAY from my path.
I always say that..."I will not stray from my path" yet I never really knew what that path was. The simple answer was Bushido, the path of the Warrior. But I think it's a different path, though related. I want to fight and love so fiercely that no one can say I could have done better. I will live on in the hearts on those I love. But even more importantly, I want to be content with myself the moment before I die. I want die knowing I was strong...that I could not have been any stronger. In so, I would die with a smile on my face, knowing that I have faced all my hardships in life and now eagerly awaits challenges in the after-life. That smile would never fade. My soul will be let to rest from this hard journey that I walk...and my fighting spirit will live on...forever...
I walk the path towards immortality.
THIS is the true reason I want to be strong.
Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
5:22 am
Private
I can't sleep...this sucks. My body aches with the training I've been putting it through, and I know it's still not enough. Not NEARLY enough. I MUST dedicate myself. I can't make any more excuses, like "oh I have school" or "oh I don't have weights"...I cannot...CANNOT waste any more time. I have wasted so much time already. Training hard, but then slipping up and getting back to day 1. That was it with Wrestling, that was it with running, that was the case with gymnastics even. THAT is NOT progress. True progress is what I live for. Not the illusion of it. I train to be stronger...and become continuously stronger...but only because somewhere alongst the line I got weaker. I train to become faster, and do become faster...only to catch up to my previous speeds. I need to reach NEW heights. I'm almost 20 now, I'm starting to feel my bones ache and creek from all the stress of what I put it through. Injuries now plague me for months, instead of just weeks or days. Falls that I would sometimes shrug off now haunt me into taking caution. I FEAR now. I fear causing damage to myself, so I can't train anymore. I have never had that fear, I always had assumed that somehow, I will never be injured, or never be hurt. Heh...says the man who can't even walk straight right now, nor swing his left shoulder and move his right ankle. Until my body heals, I'm going to train as hard as I can. And this time I WILL NOT stray. I won't "take a break", time is precious...and also, I'm eager to reach new levels, to break this plateau that I'm on. But how? I don't know...
WARNING: This part is morbid, and very introspective. I wrote it for myself and no one else. I'm not trying to impress anyone. If you don't care...then don't read.
Sometimes I'm just caught with this big gigantic, indecisiveness on life. Ricardo said he would want to die in the most painfully gruesome way possible...to be remembered. I see his point in a way...though morbid as it is. I don't think I can wish for that, since despite common misconceptions, pain does in fact hurt me...ALOT. I do want to be remembered as well. But how? Is that the only way I will be remembered? Resort to the most violent death possible? The mere thought of that as the only possibility makes me very disillusioned and afraid. The fact that I'm thinking about this means I'm not satisfied with the person I am now. I want to be MORE. But how do I know what I will become, if I don't know who I WANT to be. I want to die knowing that I had "my shot" and that I did alright. I don't want to die thinking "I never had my shot". That will be the saddest thing in the world for me, it would mean my life was wasted that I lived for nothing. Hence I am not "brave". I wish people would stop calling me fearless. I am only brave because I do not want to be sad. I force myself to be "brave", and in no ways does that mean I don't have fear. Everytime someones says it I am reminded of all the fear and sadness I have in my heart, and think about how the true me would really disappoint everyone if they knew who I really am. Does anyone know? How could they.
I am weak. I have not yet become strong physically, but the strength of character and will is really what is lacking. I always doubt myself, even though sometimes my abilities are well beyond the challenge I am facing. Why can't I face new challenges, whether they be beyond me or not, with a smile on my face? I have fought some, where even when I am beating them...when they do not even stand a chance of evening hitting me, yet...they're smiling. They smile because they found a worthy opponent? Because they now know who they would want to surpass? Why can't I be like them? Where is the thrill of meeting new challenges and pitting yourself against it? Where is the thrill of testing your strength and all your hard work? Why...WHY must I always question myself? "What if I can't lift this?" "What if I can't beat him?". My hesitation holds me back. Sometimes I honestly think about quitting. Sometimes I would think that maybe I'm not the kind of person to handle this kind of thing, that maybe I'm not strong enough. But I always keep going, because I don't want to let everything I worked for be to waste. Yet I fight on because I don't want to be sad...don't want to be disappointed, don't want to be a quitter, don't want to REGRET. Yet, I find myself hard to dedicate all of my heart...and strengthen my body but more importantly...my spirit and resolve.
Why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I be happy with all the little things in life, be content with good food, company and hospitality? Why can't I be content like my mother was content, or my father...or the rest of my family and everyone else I know. Why must I trek on this journey, which leaves me hurt, disllusioned and lonely. I am so tired of this...yet I am so afraid to rest. Sometimes even with everyone around me, I feel like the loneliest person in the world. I can have everyone's approval...but I will never have my own... That why I hate being alone sometimes. Why can't I be like everyone else my age...find a girlfriend and be happy together. Instead I am lonely with this great burden on my shoulders...one that only I can hold and no one else. Sometimes it disheartens me to think about my journeys to come, because honestly sometimes I think I will only disappoint myself more and more. It is so sad for me when I think that. Yet it happens.
I NEED to be strong. I need to find my strength somehow. I need to find the strength to not be sad... Everyone, who walks on this planet, all will inevitably look for something. Some look for love, power, wisdom, knowledge, glory/renown or maybe even the prosperity of others. In finding that, they can find themselves, they are made whole and complete, and they can die without any regrets. I need to find my strength. I am weak at heart...but I want so badly to be STRONG. I want to die knowing that no matter what I've achieved, I did all I could...all that my body would allow me to. I want to die knowing I was strong until the end that I DID NOT WAVER...that I DID NOT STRAY from my path.
I always say that..."I will not stray from my path" yet I never really knew what that path was. The simple answer was Bushido, the path of the Warrior. But I think it's a different path, though related. I want to fight and love so fiercely that no one can say I could have done better. I will live on in the hearts on those I love. But even more importantly, I want to be content with myself the moment before I die. I want die knowing I was strong...that I could not have been any stronger. In so, I would die with a smile on my face, knowing that I have faced all my hardships in life and now eagerly awaits challenges in the after-life. That smile would never fade. My soul will be let to rest from this hard journey that I walk...and my fighting spirit will live on...forever...
I walk the path towards immortality.
THIS is the true reason I want to be strong.