Health rant

[zayja]

For all of my improvement health-wise, I'm still not better, not by a long shot. I get nausea, and random stomach/chest/abdomen pains, heatburn, what feels like acid reflux, dizziness, small blackouts when standing up, headaches on the right side of my head that sometimes make even my eyes and teeth hurt... I think that's all the major stuff. Of course it's not all at once, or all the time. It's not consistent at all, as far as I can tell, and I've looked for patterns. Yes, I have stopped losing weight. I'm back to a 'healthy' weight, my hips and ribs no longer protrude unnaturally, I eat 3-4 meals a day. It's not enough. I honestly cannot remember what it's like to go a whole week without nausea, stomach pains or a really bad headache. I can't remember! That in itself is disturbing. It's been over a year now since I started having problems. Nick has suggested that my nausea is simply a case of conditioning, that I have connections with food, situations, etc that make me feel sick (through whatever mechamism) Another theory is that my diet is still not healthy enough, resulting in, i don't know, a deficiency in something or other. Personally I'm not sure I have a theory any more. I've given up looking for one. I know my lunch is going to make me feel nauseated afterwards, so I eat at the beginning of my lunch break and read a book to ignore most of it. Tonight I actually ate at a resturant, and I had trouble swallowing my food by the time I got to a certain amount of food. It almost refused to go down. I can stop myself from panicing, but it dosen't make it less emotionally straining or unplesant.
I'm so fucking sick of being sick!
I have gotten all kinds of tests done. I have seen a dietition, which I paid for out of pocket. I have seen a therapist. I'm better, but I'm still not well, and I'm getting really sick of settling for this. I deserve to have the ability to go an entire week without pain and nausea.