Run Rabbit Run [15/?]
Psych
Explicit
Carlton Lassiter/Shawn Spencer overall with a side of Pierre Despereaux/Shawn Spencer
~39900 words (total so far)
When strange envelopes are delivered to Shawn and Carlton with instructions and threats, they have no choice but to run for their lives. But trusting a stranger to watch their backs is easier said than done.
They rolled up the coast, taking it a day at a time. They had planned on taking a week to reach New York, winding their way slowly and carefully north, keeping their eyes peeled for trouble and trying to recover from the incident in Miami. Juliet was still stuck between comprehension and disbelief, sometimes sobbing quietly and other times staring straight ahead, practically dead to the world.
What they'd been fighting about suddenly seemed petty and childish in comparison. Shawn understood, now, why Carlton had been pushing him away. He had seen it happen and kept replaying it again and again, wondering why he hadn't taken the shot at Yang's shadow. One bullet, and it all could have been over for her. The same way it had for Ewan.
He didn't have much time to feel sorry for himself, which he supposed was for the best. But Shawn knew it would only be a matter of time before he did. When Juliet broke or when Carlton finally accused him of not doing his job... Shawn was sure it was coming. Carlton wouldn't hold back, not when he'd fucked up so royally it had gotten someone killed. But the hammer didn't fall, and they were all kept suspended, waiting, though Shawn wasn't sure for what.
Shawn was there when Pierre called Lightly, though he couldn't hear the other half of the conversation. It was a very formal report, over in seconds, and then Pierre did what he always did to get away and went for a smoke outside.
"Can I try it?"
"Why?"
Shawn shrugged, "Why not?"
"It's a terrible habit," Pierre said disapprovingly. Even as he said it, he handed over his cigarette to Shawn who tried desperately to be cool, pulling it up to his lips and taking a long drag. He coughed for almost a solid minute after, laughing and tasting nicotine as he handed it back.
"Did I look cool?"
"Not in the least," Pierre said with a fond smile. Shawn swallowed nervously and looked away. After the argument with Carlton, he'd allowed himself to have some fun with Pierre. It was nice knowing there was someone he could flirt with who would flirt back without hesitation, but he was getting nervous on that front as well.
He didn't know what he'd do with himself if either Pierre or Carlton were gone as quickly as Ewan was, and he supposed that was what they'd both been warning him of all along. He ran his hand through his hair, smiling grimly when it flopped back down. It was still a few inches from being in his eyes again the way Henry hated it. He couldn't wait. If they'd make it that long.
Shawn tapped restlessly against the wall, fidgeting until he finally found the voice to say what had been plaguing him. "You should leave."
Pierre watched him with a concerned frown. "What?"
"You should take Juliet, get her to someone who can take care of her. Me and Carlton, we'll do all right."
"I'm sure you would for a time. Long enough, I suppose, but not enough to end it. I assure you that I'm invaluable as a guide-"
"-I know," Shawn interrupted. "But she doesn't need to be a part of this."
Pierre paused and considered before speaking again. "Juliet has been a part of this for a long time. It has orphaned her in every possible manner, and if I were to take her away, it would be either to someone in our network who is as involved as Ewan or I, or it would be to a family member who cannot even begin to understand what she's been through and what she expects of the world. I could not do either of those to her. Not now."
"Then you two go to the cabin, and we'll... We'll run."
Pierre raised an eyebrow, "And you don't want to come with us because...?"
"Because they're following me," Shawn said. He shook his head and quickly corrected himself, "Us. Following us." He hung his head and crossed his arms, shivering. "I don't want either of you getting killed for me, okay? I'm- I'm not..." He shook his head again, unable to complete the thought.
"Of all the people there are to die for, I believe you to be one of the most worthy." There was a brief touch of light fingers beneath his chin, pulling him up to meet Pierre's gentle gaze. "I have had many chances to abandon you before now, but I have not. And I will not until I become an added danger to you."
Shawn felt it all rising to the top, all of the things he felt that he couldn't give voice to. It all came out as a single sentence, a simple statement uttered in a weak, forced, upset voice, "It's my fault."
Pierre frowned, his thumb sliding up, caressing Shawn's jaw. But he didn't offer words of encouragement or comfort, and, for some reason, that made Shawn feel more like an adult than going joyriding, standing up to Henry, or sleeping with strangers. "I can't say what should or should not weigh on your conscience as my own seems to be somewhat misaligned." Shawn nodded slightly. "But if you insist on looking behind you, it will be harder to keep moving forward."
"I can't forget," he said, his mind conjuring up the image the moment he let himself think. "It's there. All of it, and I don't know how to shut it off." He laughed somewhat bitterly, "He never taught me that trick."
Pierre's hand slid up, cupping Shawn's face, "I'm afraid my method for doing so wouldn't be welcome at a time like this."
Shawn smiled up at him, waggling his eyebrows, "Don't be so sure."
Pierre patted his cheek, "Noted. And don't think I'm so noble that I won't take you up on that later. But for now?" He leaned forward and brushed a kiss across Shawn's brow. "You've been through too much in the last few days." He drew away and pulled another cigarette out of the carton in his jacket. "My suggestion? Find something else to focus on. Those horrid books of yours or fond memories. Or use your perception, and keep us safe."
Shawn nodded, "All right. I'll do my best."
"I know you will."
Shawn left him shortly thereafter, making his way to the hotel room. He paused in the doorway, unable to keep from smiling at the scene that lay before him. Juliet was curled up next to Carlton, already asleep. Her head was pillowed on his arm, her back curled against his side. Carlton had one of Shawn's trashy books open with his free hand, turning the pages clumsily without moving his other arm. He glanced over after a small shift, making sure that Juliet was still soundly asleep.
Shawn found himself smiling as he sat on the other bed. "This is horrible," Carlton said quietly, though he didn't look away from the book. "You made someone else pay real money for this. Which is both a criminal offense and a crime against humanity."
"And yet you can't get enough of it." Shawn flopped back on the bed, stretching out. He glanced over several minutes later to find Carlton on the same page, obviously preoccupied. Shawn chewed his bottom lip for a moment before he softly said, "I'm sorry I didn't take the shot."
Carlton slowly brought the book down, laying it on the bedside table. "Do you blame me for it?"
"What?" Shawn said too loudly and immediately continued, "No. Of course not. Why... Why would I?"
"I had the same shot you did. Yang behind her cover. She was wide open, and neither of us took it."
Shawn nodded slowly, "Uh-huh?"
"So either both of us are to blame or neither of us are." Carlton met his gaze without even the smallest flinch, though his hand did curl somewhat around Juliet's shoulder. "Don't apologize unless you expect an apology from me. Got it?"
Shawn nodded and sank back down on the bed staring at the ceiling and contemplating a thousand things when a quiet chuckle drew him out of it again. He turned on the bed silently, watching Carlton's amused expression while he read.
-----
Shawn tried to focus on something else, but it was difficult. He woke in the middle of the night, eyes flying wide as he bit back a warning shout. Shawn shivered, trying to push it down, push it away, but nothing worked.
He knew where he felt safest, and, at the moment, that was all he cared about. He pulled himself out of bed, hissing quietly at the stiffness in his leg that there always was when he hadn't moved it for too long. It took him approximately five minutes of limping before he made it to the other bed, slipping in next to Carlton, on the other side from Juliet.
Carlton stiffened, and Shawn silently swore, knowing that he had accidentally woken Carlton up. He shivered and curled up, hoping that Carlton wouldn't mind. It took him a few moments before he turned over - probably making sure he hadn't woken Juliet - but the moment he did, his arm went around Shawn's waist, pulling Shawn against him. "You all right?" Carlton whispered.
"Am now," Shawn murmured. "Thank you."
Carlton said nothing, but his lips brushed softly under Shawn's ear, and his arm tightened just enough to make Shawn feel safe.
In the morning, both Shawn and Juliet were curled up, clinging to Carlton who was helpless to move without disturbing the both of them. Pierre looked at the three of them with an amused smirk but said nothing.
The sleeping arrangements were set from then on.
-----
"Jules?"
Juliet looked up at him, her eyes no less haunted than they had been since several nights ago. She didn't speak much, not even to Carlton, but Shawn was determined to help pull her out of it one way or another. It didn't help that he was antsy and nervous. They were a day or two outside of their projected arrival in New York, and Shawn would only have two days to find his Mom and try and catch a glimpse of her before they began the trek to their winter in Maine.
Shawn had splurged with Gus's credit card again, grabbing several more trashy romance books (they were entertaining in their own way, honestly), and a present for Juliet. He held out a plastic bag to her, smiling gently. He jiggled it when she looked at it curiously. "Go on. You'll like it. Promise."
She raised an eyebrow and glanced up at him with a deadpan look that she had to have picked up from Carlton. Shawn gave the most pitiful look he could, and Juliet rolled her eyes before taking the bag. For the first time in ages, her eyes lit up. She pulled brightly-colored books out of the bag, eight of them spilling into her lap.
Juliet laughed - a startled, quiet sound that made Carlton glance in the rearview mirror and Pierre turn to look from his place in the passenger seat. "How...?" She asked him.
Shawn tapped his temple, "I see all, Jules. I tried to get ones with Poison Ivy in them." He kicked his feet and glanced down at them, admittedly nervous after so long of silence between the two of them. "I thought you'd like Poison Ivy."
"I do," Juliet said, patting his hand before clutching her comics to her chest. "I... Thanks."
"Sure thing," Shawn said, flashing her a wide smile. He fished one of his own books out of the small pile at his feet. He picked one up and smoothed his fingers over the raised letters on the cover. He swallowed down a feeling of helplessness and tapped across them quickly, hoping.
And having hope, he thought, was one of the most important things he could have.
-----
"Shawn," Carlton said his name for possibly the thirtieth time since they'd gotten to their hotel and rode the elevator up for way too long for a suite that was way too high and way too expensive and way better than anything else they'd had a chance to sleep in since their own beds at home, and that was probably for sentimental reasons anyway, and-
"Spencer," Carlton interrupted his thoughts, a firm hand on his shoulder. "Focus."
Shawn nodded sharply, practically bouncing in place as his eyes kept darting from Carlton's serious expression towards the large window that could see the distant horizon where the sun was almost completely gone. "I'm focusing," he lied. "I'm here."
"Shawn," Carlton said again, turning them so Shawn's back was to the window. "You can't talk to her. It'd be best if she didn't see you. Be careful."
Shawn rolled his eyes and turned to see the window again, just to make sure, but Carlton tugged him back, unrelenting. "Promise me."
"I'll be careful. It'll be fine." Shawn didn't know if it would be - the closer they've gotten to this day, this moment, the more anxious he became. He had so much he wanted to say to his Mom, so many things he needed to tell her - that he was safe, that he would be fine, that he had three of the best traveling companions ever, and he wouldn't be home for Christmas, but that it'd be okay in the end - and knowing that he couldn't was killing him. He could hardly imagine what it was doing to Carlton whose family was on the other side of the continent. Part of Shawn thought that it'd be easier, but then he wasn't so sure. Every hotel had a phone, and almost every night offered them a chance to break.
Carlton was glaring at him, too, which wasn't doing anything to make Shawn feel better about his decision to go through with this. Shawn took a steadying breath and met Carlton's eyes, attempting to be as sincere as he could be, "We'll be back by midnight, and I won't leave Pierre's side unless I have to run. I promise."
Carlton sighed somewhat reluctantly, but he patted Shawn's shoulder all the same. "All right. Okay. I'll see you in the morning."
Shawn nodded, both thrilled by and dreading the fact that the suite had enough rooms for them each to have their own for the night. He had no excuse to go slinking off to Carlton's bed, and that frightened him almost as much as the night ahead of him. His Mom's new address was still seared in his mind from the letters she'd written, and he could only hope that nothing had changed between then and now.
Which was funny, he thought, because, for him, everything had.
"Should be safe to get going," Pierre announced as he appeared from the doorway of his room. "Keep her safe."
Carlton nodded, "As best I can. And you take care of him."
Shawn rolled his eyes and shoved Carlton lightly, grinning when Carlton pushed back, childishly playing Shawn's game. He still wasn't smiling, was so obviously extremely worried, but even knowing that couldn't stop Shawn from doing what needed to be done for his own peace of mind if nothing else.
Before he followed Pierre, Shawn grasped Carlton's shoulder, squeezing it firmly, hoping to reassure him before saying, "Goodnight."
"Night," Carlton said, and Shawn left quickly before he could be convinced to stay.
The moment Pierre closed the door behind them, Shawn felt his anxiety and anticipation rush out of him. They were no longer building up to the moment that their own hunt began - it had, and it went along with every brisk step towards the elevator and then the exit into the cool evening. Shawn exhaled heavily just to see his breath puff into the air then turned with a grin to look at Pierre who smiled fondly at him. "Ready?"
"I was born Shawn Spencer," Shawn said seriously, "but I'm changing my name to Ready as of right now."
Pierre raised an eyebrow, "Supposing that means yes?"
"It means I'm nervous as hell, but yeah, I am."
Pierre patted his shoulder. "It's after dark. We aren't going to make contact. The city and night are ours. There's nothing to be nervous about."
"You say these things," Shawn complained as Pierre led the way down the sidewalk, "and I find myself not believing you."
"When have I ever lied to you?"
Shawn considered, "I'm not sure if you have. But I'm not entirely sure you haven't either. You're good at being amphibious."
Pierre laughed, "Ambiguous?"
Shawn huffed a frustrated sigh, "I've heard it both ways." When someone tried to come between them, Shawn instinctively reached for Pierre's hand, lacing their fingers together. Pierre touched him back, holding him close as they weaved along the sidewalk, looking for a good place to hail a cab.
"Won't Carlton be cross?"
"Thought you told me not to care too much about what Carlton thinks."
"I did." Pierre squeezed his hand gently. "But you went and did it anyway." He clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "You're supposed to listen to your guide."
Shawn's heart thudded faster and louder as he took a chance, asking, "Was that from a guide or an interested party?"
"Would it matter if it were the latter?"
"Might," Shawn admitted, flushing warmly, his fingers squirming before settling comfortably in Pierre's grip.
"Might?" Pierre chuckled, "Then it might be a tiny bit of both."
"Only might be?" Shawn pouted.
"I'll give you more if you give it to me first."
Shawn tossed his head, his hair flipping slightly so he could give Pierre an exaggerated wink. "Why, Mr. Despereaux. You only had to ask."
Pierre shook his head but said nothing more until he pulled Shawn into a cab and gave the cab driver the address Shawn had memorized a lifetime ago. Shawn sat next to him and sighed, trying to push down his jitters. "It'll be all right," Pierre said.
Shawn tried to smile and failed. "I don't know when you're lying."
Pierre shrugged. "Trust me that when I lie, it's worth believing."
Shawn wasn't sure if he could manage that much trust or faith in anyone except for his own mother, and if he did, he wasn't sure he'd be able to for Pierre. He thought of Carlton and wished suddenly that it were the two of them in this cab on their way to see Shawn's mother. Only this time, in Shawn's imagination, they were jittery and nervous for other reasons, both smiling too widely, laughing, hand in hand and - Shawn inhaled sharply - in love.
Shawn shook his head and banished that thought back to the shadows it had come from. Carlton had been in love with someone else, married to her, and when this was over, he would go back to her. Shawn knew that. Maybe there was room for whatever they had between them now. It was convenient and it would work. But if he wanted to be able to move on when it was over, he needed to let that foolishly naïve idea go.
The cab stopped. Pierre paid the driver as Shawn stepped out into the street, getting his bearings and trying to figure out which way it was to his mother's apartment. Pierre joined him soon, took his hand, and they set off together. Each step made Shawn more nervous and excited, and he was grateful for Pierre's grounding presence that reminded him that no matter what, he would have someone with common sense to keep him from getting his parents and Gus killed.
Her apartment building wasn't in the best part of town, but it was far from the worst. Pierre leaned closer, and after a few instructions, Shawn found himself looking at her window, the blinds open to the night, the light gleaming. "This way," Pierre said, leading Shawn down a dark alley. He jumped and grabbed at the lowest rung of the fire escape, pulling himself up with surprising strength. "We'll get to the top of the building - should be a good vantage point."
Shawn eyed it warily. "There's no way I can make that."
Pierre leaned down and held out a hand. "Trust me."
Shawn took one last look towards where his mother was, and he jumped. Pierre's hand closed around his wrist, and Shawn grasped back with both hands, breathing heavily out of a mix of fright and exhilaration as Pierre hauled him up. Once he was safely on the ladder, he began climbing up to the platform then up the stairs, running until his lungs burned, the cold making it difficult to breathe in.
He knew he was making too much noise, but he didn't care. He had to see her. He had needed that since she had got on her plane and flown across the country to get away from Henry. His leg hurt, but the hurt on pushed him on. He had been shot to get this far - he had almost died, and he had seen people die, and he was almost there. He ran across the rooftop in long strides. He stumbled, pulled himself up, and almost kept running if not for Pierre suddenly grabbing him, steadying him. "Easy," he hissed warningly, but Shawn squirmed out of his grip and ran towards the other side of the rooftop.
It took him a moment or two to pick out her apartment from his new angle, but the moment he did, he couldn't tear his eyes away. Shawn's eyes honed in, taking in every small detail of her apartment. The thing that struck him was the jade-colored vase on the end table near the window. The flowers in it were fake, too brightly red, but one of the petals had fallen off from where his Mom had tugged on it too much, fidgeting with something nearby as she read the book that sat in her lap.
He could only see the barest hint of her face, most of it hidden by the angle and her hair, but he could see a hint of her expression to fill in the blanks himself. Shawn knew her calm focus like he knew the sound of her voice, like he knew how to notice that she was nervous in the way her shoulders slumped slightly and her fingers toyed with the red petals.
Shawn knew, suddenly, that this had been a horrible idea. He needed more, needed to talk to her, needed to let her know everything that had happened since she had left. He needed to hug her. Maybe cry. Ask her what he was supposed to do when he liked someone so much that it almost hurt. His Mom would know. She always knew everything.
"Was it worth it?"
Shawn shook his head, "No."
"Do you want to leave?"
He shook his head again, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. He needed just a few more minutes. And if he sat down on the rooftop, watching in silence, hoping somehow that she would look at him, would call out to him, smiling, and wave him over... who could blame him?. "She calls me Goose." Pierre said nothing, but he placed a comforting hand on Shawn's shoulder and left it there. And he said nothing when Shawn felt tears roll down his cheeks.
-----
The hotel suite was dark and quiet when they made it in. Shawn didn't have the willpower to even pretend that he was going anywhere but to Carlton's room. He shrugged off Pierre's offer of comfort, as silent as he had been for most of the evening. Shawn didn't want Pierre's comfort. He yielded easily, giving Shawn what he thought he needed.
Carlton wouldn't compromise himself for Shawn's comfort, and that was, in itself, comforting. It was solid and safe and real, and Shawn needed that. He needed Carlton or else he wasn't going to be able to hold it all together.
Carlton's room was dark, but the light from the window revealed him sprawled out on his bed, enjoying the space he didn't often get to have because of Shawn and Juliet. That almost made Shawn pause, but he was selfish and needy, and he knew Carlton wouldn't hold it against him. Shawn kicked off his shoes and pulled off all his clothes but his boxers, too lazy to go fetch anything resembling pajamas.
Carlton's eyes blinked open when the mattress dipped. "Hey. You find her?"
Shawn nodded, but he still didn't feel like speaking. He clambered close, and pushed himself up to Carlton until Carlton pulled him into his arms. Carlton took a hint from him and said nothing. Shawn burrowed against him, clinging to him as tightly as he could manage. Shawn sighed and closed his eyes, not sure if he'd manage to fall asleep, but he knew he'd feel better here than anywhere else. Except for with his Mom.
He shivered and took a shaky breath, but he hid his tears against Carlton's neck, and Carlton's breathing and heartbeat were steady as his thumb rubbed a soothing circle on Shawn's shoulder.
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