Life and death
I don't know that I have left the denial stage with regard to my mother's death. When I think about it all I feel is disbelief, as if my mind can't comprehend that she's gone. I constantly find myself driving home thinking I'd really like to call her and tell her about my day and then realizing I can't.
This process has been made prolonged by the fact that she spent her last years in and out of the hospital where I couldn't call her anyway. It's like I just revert back to "I'll just talk to her later". Her death is obviously different than Josh's since we expected it and it lacked the urgent sense of tragedy.
I still find it tragic and disturbing due to the fact that it was completely preventable. She chose to smoke cigarettes and that's ultimately what killed her. It wasn't heart disease, cancer or a stroke. Her lungs just quit working.
I seem mostly concerned with the fact that she was such a wonderful person and deserved so much better than the hand she was dealt. Sure, her smoking killed her. But she never deserved losing one child due to the stupidity of her other child. She never deserved my arrest because of it. She certainly didn't deserve to become partially paralyzed. She just suffered so much at the end of her life and I can barely stand to think about it. She no doubt felt like a burden to those around her, especially my father - and I know she hated that more than anything. Mom was always super-capable and strong willed. Always willing to do what needed to be done.
I guess it just seems like such a sad story to me. Crippled, forced into retirement only to go in and out of the hospital to eventually just quit breathing early one morning. I just miss her so much and wanted her to be happy.
I feel responsible for so much pain in her life. I obviously didn't have anything to do with the physical stuff, but I did so many other things to cause her grief, including Josh's death. I just hate that I feel like I took something so precious and I didn't have a chance to "make it up to her". Not that I have any idea how you make up for something like that.
Even recently I'd started to apologize for all the things I ever did to make her cry. I even apologized for asking if she was allowed to wear hats to work when she asked Josh and me if we liked her new hair-do. I was 10 years old or something and apparently my mother didn't enjoy our humor. She spent the rest of the evening in her room crying.
I don't know what I think and I'm a clusterfuck of emotions. On one hand I'm so happy she's not suffering and that she's with Josh. On the other hand I'm so sad she's gone and that she had such a hard life recently. Maybe that's just me being selfish. In any case I wasn't really ready to not have her around, but I guess shit happens.
This process has been made prolonged by the fact that she spent her last years in and out of the hospital where I couldn't call her anyway. It's like I just revert back to "I'll just talk to her later". Her death is obviously different than Josh's since we expected it and it lacked the urgent sense of tragedy.
I still find it tragic and disturbing due to the fact that it was completely preventable. She chose to smoke cigarettes and that's ultimately what killed her. It wasn't heart disease, cancer or a stroke. Her lungs just quit working.
I seem mostly concerned with the fact that she was such a wonderful person and deserved so much better than the hand she was dealt. Sure, her smoking killed her. But she never deserved losing one child due to the stupidity of her other child. She never deserved my arrest because of it. She certainly didn't deserve to become partially paralyzed. She just suffered so much at the end of her life and I can barely stand to think about it. She no doubt felt like a burden to those around her, especially my father - and I know she hated that more than anything. Mom was always super-capable and strong willed. Always willing to do what needed to be done.
I guess it just seems like such a sad story to me. Crippled, forced into retirement only to go in and out of the hospital to eventually just quit breathing early one morning. I just miss her so much and wanted her to be happy.
I feel responsible for so much pain in her life. I obviously didn't have anything to do with the physical stuff, but I did so many other things to cause her grief, including Josh's death. I just hate that I feel like I took something so precious and I didn't have a chance to "make it up to her". Not that I have any idea how you make up for something like that.
Even recently I'd started to apologize for all the things I ever did to make her cry. I even apologized for asking if she was allowed to wear hats to work when she asked Josh and me if we liked her new hair-do. I was 10 years old or something and apparently my mother didn't enjoy our humor. She spent the rest of the evening in her room crying.
I don't know what I think and I'm a clusterfuck of emotions. On one hand I'm so happy she's not suffering and that she's with Josh. On the other hand I'm so sad she's gone and that she had such a hard life recently. Maybe that's just me being selfish. In any case I wasn't really ready to not have her around, but I guess shit happens.